What do you think about men in their 40's?

[WhiteSwan1]

I'm just asking myself, what is it with men in their 40's or is it just me? I've just come back from my BF's (I'm 39, he's mid 40's) and really have a feeling of him not being sure of what he wants in the future (apart from seeing me as someone fairly interesting and attractive to spend some time with) after seeing me for 18 months.

I recently had a message from ExH (mid 40's) reminding me of how long ago we met and I wonderfully came in to his life (he is now seeing someone else from 5 months after we split up and is still with her).
I have another friend (mid 40's) who has admitted he is cheating on his DW.
I have another male friend (mid 40's) who can't commit to a relationship with any woman and is acting like he's 20 going out with multiple women.
I guess it's just my age and who I know but I just wondered if some men in their 40's go through a stage when they just don't know what they're doing? Any male responses are also appreciated.

I agree about the "looking inward" thing. And it's so so true that it's harder for men to accept the inevitable closing of doors as they hit middle age because they have had more of an assumption of doors being open to them.
And I also know women whose long term partners prevaricated over having children, when when it was too late, left and ended up with a younger woman who still had time to procreate. That's is the ultimate in selfish acts isn't it?
It seems at both ends of the spectrum-weather a man was married at 24 or 39, or wether he has never married at all-something happens to them in their 40s to make them go "is this it?".
Women get that feeling too, but tend to be more realistic and pragmatic.
Ideally i would want to date a man with children because I can't have more, and a man with no children is probably going to want them at some point . There is this idea that men can procreate whenever. This is not always realistic though as old sperm can present problems too. Plus you have to be able to actually get it up.. maybe Viagra is to blame !
I certainly don't feel like I am worthless to men as I get older though. I am older, fatter and wrinklier, but also good looking, funny and great in bed. I don't give a shit about their money, I am independent and capable. I'd date me.
Im probably deluded, but I don't really care!

My DH at 42 has set up a makeshift gym in the garage. Ladders lent up against the wall for pull-ups a chest for press ups etc. He goes in there at all hours and I hear him thrashing around. . At least I know where he is!

TBF I am having a mini one at 42 I go running and try to beat my 5k time every time I run - tis exhausting. I have no idea why I and doing it! It does feel like time is running out sometimes...

I didn't know about men cycling being a thing till I joined MN

also, IfNot, you mention "closing of doors" - I see them as opening but that's probably do with money and work experience and understanding what's important. I think I had a false idea of what was important at a younger age - I even had people try to say to me not to prioritise money but thank goodness I didn't listen to that.

I suppose doors are closing in terms of who I can be bothered to let in to my life - if you are out there dating then other people closing their doors is problematic I guess.

Kingfisher - I would love o have a gym at home!! I've said that since I was about 17 though

"I think bikes give guys a good excuse to tick all the MLC boxes...
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Dressing like a twat? Check"
LOL!

yes before viagra, (and I've never been in a relationship with anybody who needed it, not yet ) I guess older men would have been self conscious about any ED and mightn't have felt emboldened enough to approach younger women who'd obviously be accustomed to ahem a higher level of performance.... but now they have a blue pill.

I have no interest in having a Man at all. It may be my past experience has put me off. I can't say I am happy and fulfilled as I am not, I am content without a Man and don't miss them in my life or bed.

"I think most women have their MLCs at 30. Which is odd, considering we live longer than men as a rule."

That's when I had mine. I think what fueled it was this belief that I'd be married, or at least cohabiting in a long term relationship, by 30 and because I wasn't that I was "left on the shelf". Also the belief that society starts devaluing women at that age. At 30 I thought I was past it (I felt old!) and that I'd wasted so much time in bad relationships. Weirdly I ended up dating a man 9 years youger than me and became more interested in music, got body piercings and a (long desired) tattoo. I was nonplussed when I hit 40 and am convinced I'm going to be fabulous aged 50

"Men have all the power. It's so shit."

I see it as women have a lot of power though. We can say no to dating them and no to having sex with them. When I was online dating there was a huge percentage of over 40s men who were only looking for women younger than them, often by up to 15years. They wouldn't even consider women one year older than them. On a couple of occassions I was contacted by these twats men and I took great delight in telling them that unfortunately I was outside of their specified age range (at 1 year older), which was a shame. Then I blocked them. If they hadn't been so anti women their own age I would've given them a chance to get to know an interesting, witty, fit, over 40s woman, who's good in bed and is 7/10 looks...hell, we have to practice positive self-talk don't we ladies! but I found their attitudes a huge turn off. Thankfully I met a pleasant mid 40s man on there (whose age range was up to 10 years younger and 10 years older than himself) and we've been dating 2 years (which is exactly what I want at the moment).

I don't care if a MAMIL has a thighbrow where the short meets his leg or muffin top. I don't find the fabric so tight around the meat and two veg in any way sexy, it's gross and I want to divert children's eyes.

mammals ha ha, I was driving along behind a mamil recenlty, and his shorts were for a much smaller leaner mamil!! It was a real fright show! My children were traumatised too! I couldn't drive with my eyes shut unfortunately.

whataloadofbollocks yes, I guess, I have used that very limited bit of power recently, when a man I really liked couldn't offer more than fwb "but I really like you and we're both adults so why don't we sleep together anyway". I said no thank you. So I have the power to protect myself from something that would have hurt me. It would have made me more lonely not less lonely for sure. And there was another guy, older than me, 50! but he had no children and he wanted them. I'm 6 years younger than he is but he was not careful enough disguising his real intentions and revealed inadvertently that he would tread water with me until he could meet and impregnate a woman in her 30s. I thought he was nice. We got on. He was still asking, so are we going to that pub quiz then?! (we'd said we would go as we both love them). I guess I had the power to say no to being somebody else's raft til they reach water. But I still feel quite powerless at the moment!!

Unfortunately for me dh is not a fattie he now has the figure of a 25 year old athlete - bloody nightmare. The clothes he wore in his early twenties are too big. The same sadly cannot be said for me.

As of yesterday he has a personal cycle coach who it transpires is one of my sisters mental ex boyfriends so it's ramping up...

Firstly I think your boyfriend us trying to let you know that he is not sure you are the one he wants to be with. Sounds like he is trying to let you down slowly.
Secondly men going through mid life crises have similarly come to a crossroads in their lives. Sometimes their wives have stopped seeing their husbands as desirable men and put them on the back burner putting children and home first. Some men then become unhappy and want their wife back and they lose each other. They then become ripe for an affair. Rightly or wrongly, this is how many affairs happen.

No affairs happen because someone is willing to lie to their loved ones, in order to shag someone when they have committed to someone else.

Meet

No, affairs happen generally because the primary relationship is not meting the needs of either the woman or the man. Most men or women don't just decide to have an affair. They feel unhappy and often try to express their unhappiness but it doesn't get addressed. Relationships need to be cultivated and nourished in order to keep strong.

lol Kerala1 you're funny. But seriously, your humour and insouciance would be more noticeable served up in a size ten body. I'm joking, of course. I'm 70% joking.

So instead of cultivating and communicating they lie and cheat, then justify bad behaviour by blaming the partner they cheated on.

In my experience it happens long before an affair begins. Men/Women feel that their relationship is not working and they try to change things and address the problems. Often nothing changes. People don't feel the attachment to the relationship anymore and then you are on dangerous ground. Affairs seem to be a symptom of relationship problems rather than the initial cause

Fascinating thread

I think subsidised childcare and more fathers taking paternity leave will put women in a stronger position. Women won't get so bogged down in motherhood. They'll be less financially dependent on the family unit.

It would be good for mothers to feel that if their children's father decided to leave that that wouldn't ruin them. That they'd still have their freedom too, their job, time to socialise.

But do men want that?! Do men want "their taxes" going towards a more egalitatian society!? Je ne crois pas. The average man would object to that. Mr Average wants women to bear the brunt of the sacrifice for parenthood and then he wants to be able to walk away from the mother of his children and bitch about having to give her a proportion of his pension and maintenance.

Disclaimer, this view comes not from my own experience but from the thousands of really sad stories I've read here.

So in the future, when women are free half of the week, and have childcare in place and careers that they haven't left, they will be in a stronger position. I hope.

I don't want my daughter's generation to go through the same tedious shit that my friends and I have all experienced.

Relationship problems be it dissatisfaction or boredom etc. Someone attractive comes along who shows reciprocated interest. May take a strong will to turn them down. Affair.

I just really wish that men would be more honest. So many men fall into "serious"relationships, often because they feel it is the right time, and stay in relationships for years with women they don't love. Why?? It's so hurtful for a woman to discover that a man was just, what was the phrase? Using her as a raft ? It's just such massive sense of entitlement that allows them to do this to another human.
And it hasn't really happened to me, but I see my male friends do it over and over.

yes, imo women tend not to let things drift on so long if they know it's not right. the man I mentioned up thread, the one who was ten years younger, i ended it sooner than he was ready for me to end it but it was out of common decency although he couldn't acknowledge that at the time. It would have been easier to drift. But i didn't want him to be somebody else's down time half time part time some time, even though it suited me, because I knew that exact same thing had happened to him once before. I couldn't let it happen to him AGAIN