Asperger's and relationships (again)

[MrsMiss]

I've been married for 10 years, and have four children, the youngest of whom is 3. Last year my husband was diagnosed with Asperger's. The psychiatrist said it was 'mild asperger's'. We'd waited a year for the diagnosis, and my dh refused to go for couples counselling until the diagnosis was made. In that time my mental health spiralled and I have had many points where I've felt at the end of my tether. I've been on anti-anxiety meds, and had counselling myself, and manage to drag myself to a place where I am now supposedly looking after myself.

I have good friends (none of whom know about the ASD), and have time away from the children (once a week I meet my friends for our 'sewing night' ) which is a big improvement on a couple of years ago where my life seemed to revolve around the young children, and I didn't have any time for myself.

We started seeing a relate counsellor in the Summer, but it wasn't great. We got lots of practical advice like maybe we could go on a weekend away, or ask for help blah blah blah… but nothing really addressing the issues within the relationship which are numerous.

Dh seems to think that the main problem is that we argue, and I shout and get angry. He would like to think we can compromise and have a rational discussion, but in truth, it is his way or nothing. He won't go out at all with other families or friends. He won't help out e.g. at the kids school, or cubs/beavers etc. It is hard to put across what it is like without it sounding like I'm being extremely unreasonable, wanting to have a certain life and having unrealistic expectations of him.

For me, I feel like I'm a single parent. He won't be part of a 'team'. He'll go out and buy presents for the children on his own, and arrange to do things with them on his own, for example when I'm out, but will have no part of 'sharing' anything as a family. He spends more time with our oldest daughter chatting and cooking etc than he does with me. I feel completely isolated, like a lodger in the house who has to serve all the people who live in the house, but otherwise keep out of the way and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself.

We've been on the same holiday for the last 10 years, we see one couple (his school friend and his wife) socially… I've carved out a new life with friends I've made through having the children, but dh won't have anything to do with them. He is rude to them - one husband of a friend asked if he'd like to join them (the other husbands) at a local pub quiz, and his flat response was 'no'.

When we initially got together he was very attentive and kind, and we were 'in love' and had the children in quick succession. Being pregnant 4 times has 'protected' me from the worst emotional problems if you like, because he has been 'on his best behaviour'. He did actually say that he couldn't cope if I was pregnant again. Now, he just doesn't speak to me. I feel that we job-share. Our responsibility is to look after the children, and we speak to share arrangements for the children. In the evening he can spend ours looking at videos and clips etc on his phone, and then will come to bed late. I try to carry on as normal, but am beyond lonely. I hate the constant atmosphere that he is oblivious to. He thinks if I'm not shouting, we're happy. I only shout out of complete exasperation, when I am completely worn down with his arguments, which are always logical and evidence-based and always right. Anything I say is just a waste of time.

We've been seeing a psychodynamic couples counsellor for a few months now, and it has been enlightening in some respects, but I'm just not sure she understands this asperger's thing. She sees it as a label, an unhelpful label, and thinks dh is no different from anyone else. That may be the case but he thinks he is different, and since he had the diagnosis it is as if all kindness and willingness to work together has evaporated, and I'm now supposed to accommodate what he calls his 'disability'. I've obviously tried the usual things - to communicate clearly, to be direct, to not expect him to want to be 'life and soul' of the party etc, but I can't cope with a life that is completely dictated by one person. I am trying to do my best for the children. I have supported them to join different groups and activities, to spend time with friends and other families even if I have to do it all on my own. Their friendships matter a lot to me, whereas I know dh wouldn't care if they never saw their friends.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, and I know that some people are going to tell me to leave him, and some people are going to say that I sound like a demanding monster. I wish I could get an objective view on whether I should continue to try to navigate through my emotions and the bleak loneliness and distress, and try to ignore every hope and dream I had of being a family and doing things together, or whether it would be a waste of my energy. I can't talk to people in real life about it all (he doesn't want them to know) and I worry that they wouldn't really understand anyway. I have times when I'd just like to walk away from it all. The children all show signs of similarity with dh, which makes it unbearable at times. I'm on egg-shells, dealing with tantrum after tantrum… just so lonely.

I would also imagine there are books out there.

Coco people with even severe autism also develop and gain new skills as they grow up

Also people can grow out of aspergers. I know somebody who was diagnosed as a child and as an adult they are considerate of feelings

Personally I wouldn't take advice from someone who clearly knows nothing about Aspergers. Sorry coco.

Glad you have got some great advice here from others and the "different together" forum also sounds great

Finally yes I agree the AS doesn't preclude hum being an arse sometimes and doesn't excuse that

Coco you can have no idea how insulting and patronising your posts are.

OP that sounds really hard, I hope some more knowledgable comes along but you do need to look after yourself. You are an equal partner in your marriage and as important as your dh.
Coco your lack of understanding is so immense it's scary. This is the first time I have ever wanted to post something that will get deleted. (I won't)

Am also bemused that Coco has decided she knows more than "so-called" experts and that this is based on some basic neurological reading, and an undiagnosed 4 year old! Chew,

Why would someone have a problem accepting themselves if they have a 'label' ( which to me implies you think of it as negative, and tbh, slightly 'freak-showish')? For many of us it helps explain how we are as we are. Why anxiety is a common feature for example, as it might be due to the constant struggle trying to fit in and possibly repeatedly failing. It's not just a label. Once one grasps this sort of thing it might help the person better 'accept' themselves as they are.
For the op however, if the relationship is causing her harm, emotionally at least, perhaps she might be happier out of it.

I meant to add, both myself and partner would be on the spectrum. But we can discuss things and try to see things from the others perspective. I need plenty of breaks from our children, and dh tries to help out when he sees I'm on the edge. Likewise I try to be supportive when he gets engrossed in something I find unnecessary (such as diy/vanity projects).
It took a while to get to this stage and really only started to happen when our dc was diagnosed and we started to understand asd/asc.

I'm going to ignore Coco's post because it's clearly a total lack of understanding and I don't think it's helpful to get into an argument about it. Just, OP, that's clearly not the case so ignore it.

You need a counsellor who understands aspergers and how aspergers affects relationships. Unfortunately I suspect this might prove difficult or impossible to find. The problem is where an issue such as ASD exists, normal advice isn't going to work because your problems don't stem from the normal causes. Normal solutions to the problems aren't going to work because a person with ASD is not going to react or interpret things in the same way as a neurotypical person would.

The best thing, I think, would be to seek a therapist, not a couple's therapist, but an ordinary therapist, who is knowledgeable about ASD and happy to see you as a couple and discuss potential strategies or help you understand why issues are occurring in the hope that it helps you come to a solution. You also need to learn everything you can about ASD. How a person with ASD thinks and feels (obviously noting that it's not one size fits all.) Good communication strategies. How a person with ASD typically feels about and shows love.

Look online for discussion forums which welcome spouses - not all of them do, be aware. If you don't want to or can't post, you can always read. Wrong Planet is one such forum - I don't know if they welcome posts from spouses. There is also the subreddit www.reddit.com/r/aspergers - they specify that they do welcome posts from spouses. There are several blogs. I don't know as much about the online landscape for ASD as I do for ADHD but it might be the case that there are talks on youtube and books written about ASD and relationships. Look at what's controversial, as well. The popular view might not necessarily be the most accurate. Baron-Cohen, for example, is extremely popular but has some odd views which don't really stack up.

Ultimately if you don't feel that you can be in a relationship with your DH, then don't force it, aspergers or no aspergers. It's still your life that you have to live. If you can't cope with it, that isn't a case of being unfair or discriminatory, it's just an unfortunate fact. It's okay to step back and say actually, I can't. But this is the kind of path that you're looking at (research and understanding) if you want the best shot at making things work.

From the looks of Wrong Planet they have a fair few articles at the moment about ASD relationships.

This article (see link below) in the Telegraph recently is about a woman diagnosed with Aspergers. At the end it says she was offered "specialist therapy" - I would love to know what form that took, she clearly rates it; it seems to me, OP, that your dh was given a diagnosis but no guidance about what to do with that information, unlike the woman in the article:

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/health/why-i-love-knowing-i-have-high-functioning-autism/

Thank you - I will look at this info, have had a rough week and not had time to pop back, so just checking in now. I'm not really sure about the 'boxes' and 'labels' argument. I work in psychology myself, so know how helpful receiving a diagnosis can be for some people across a wide range of disorders, but in this case for me specifically, it was as if receiving the diagnosis switched a switch and suddenly the person who I'd known and been married to for 9 years became very different. Some differences were obviously already ready there, and it was me who encouraged him to seek the diagnosis to confirm what we both suspected, I just hadn't expected his behaviour to become more stubborn and belligerent as a result. I expected it to get easier rather than harder…

Hi OP - I am also married to somebody with "mild" aspergers.

I am lucky in that DH recognises his social shortcomings and tries very very hard to address them, at least where I'm concerned. Just because someone is on the spectrum it really doesn't give them free rein to be a bit of a of an arse.

In our relationship I know that I need to be tolerant, to spend the time and help/join in/listen with whatever current obsession he has (and they last a long time), and that if I am feeling cross/upset I need to calmly tell him by saying "I am feeling upset because you did X" and he knows that he has to pay attention to facial expressions, make time to do his share of housework as well as his hobbies and communicate properly when he is feeling frustrated/cross.

Obviously I have not been married anywhere near as long as you, OP, and I hope that our relationship will last as long as yours has.

I personally think that your DH needs to step up a bit.

Pffffft. The people posting here are fools and gullible.

If this was down to his Asperger's, how in the WORLD would he be able to be on some sort of "best behavior" for FOUR pregnancies? How would his behavior have grown worse since the diagnosis? Someone with autism can't magically clean up their behavior for nine months at a time, be reasonably emotionally giving and loving, and then POOF it's all gone!

What you've got here is a man using a diagnosis as a reason to not work on his problematic behaviors. It's emotional abuse, and it's not going to stop until you stop believing the crap spewed here that it's just an autism issue.

The fact that your husband didn't take his diagnosis to mean that he needs to work HARDER on social skills, but instead took it to mean that he can just pull out the "Whoops, can't help you, too autistic" card whenever he doesn't want to perform emotional labor, is a sign to me that he's taking advantage rather than dealing in an honest and forthright way with his diagnosis.

What I don't get is this: there must be some kind of after-care available when people do get a diagnosis, so that precisely what has happened here, to the OP's dh, does not happen. I speak as someone whose dh has been told by his GP not to pursue a diagnosis, even though he fully acknowledges that he has extensive traits. So that's where we are. With nothing on offer to help him with his AS. Or is it all up to the person themselves to seek out Wrong Planet, etc? And what if they're too much in denial to be proactive like that?

One thing that has helped me, OP, is to tell friends what my situation is. It is sometimes met with disbelief, but sometimes not. I know you are not supposed to be open about it, according to your dh, but I think you will find it enormously helpful to challenge him on that, for the sake of your own mental health.

My Dh was diagnosed about a month ago. He's been offered lots of aftercare help and been put in touch with the local Autistic resource center. He has accesses to councillors support groups and a support worker. I think it really depends on area to what's on offer. All this has been done though the local Autistic resource center including his diagnosis as our local NHS doesn't have any thing to help or diagnose adults with aspergers or Autism.

That's fantastic for your dh, Meme. And the lifting of a burden for you, I'd guess. Surely that's what ought to happen, but via the NHS as well?

Coco I understand to an extent what you are saying.

I myself have many friends and would probably be described as quite friendly and chatty by work colleagues, but it is actually a mixture of behaviours, phrases and cues that I have copied from others that I deem 'good' at social situations over the years.

OP I think it sounds like a mixture of your DH's personality and his Asperger.

I agree that's what should happen and on the NHS. We only knew about this way due to ds1 being autistic and put in contact with the Autistic resource center. I agree it helps but I didn't have a burden to begin with and we still personally have to deal with all the issues ourselves.

As parents we were warned that our child's behaviour might worsen once they knew about the diagnosis. It's pretty common, in children at least, to use it as a sort of 'get out of jail free' card.
I personally try to consider things from the child's perspective, but also pull them up on it each time it's used inappropriately.
I'm not sure how I would deal with an adult using the same tactic.

yup, my daughter's ASD behaviour certainly worsened, it was almost as if all the behaviour that she had struggled to 'keep in' was given free rein to come out.
My partner also changed, although not in respect to me. His acknowledgement allowed him to put a few boundaries in place where people had taken advantage of him, and for him to have the confidence to make demands about how he was, or was not, able to work (ie - give me lists to do, in the order of importance, but allow me to work through them without being interupted, or chopped and changed between projects)

Following a diagnosis it's common for there to be a regression.
Would your dh consider some counselling for himself?
Depending on where you are there's a charity called Action for Asperger's who offer counselling specific to asperger's, whether it is for the person themselves or for a spouse.
They are based in Northampton but also have some outreach surgeries (one in Wales, one in North Yorkshire and another one somewhere, but I can't remember!)
Even if you're not close enough, it might be worth ringing to have a chat with someone who may be able to give you some advice.

And now I've read the last few replies and see that others have said the same!
This happened to me, and I have to say it's not a deliberate "get out of jail free" card, it's a genuine increase in difficulties. All the things that have been repressed and held in for years all come to the surface and it's impossible to put them all back to how they were before.
It's a matter of finding strategies to make things easier, not expecting someone to revert to how they were.