"leagues" of attractiveness - who's out of your league?!

[DraenorQueen]

So, I'm fat. Size 22, 5 foot 7. Huge boobs but undeniably fat. I'm sociable though... genuine, intelligent (i like to think!!) and have an acceptably pleasant face. I've slept with many men, some of whom were EXTREMELY good looking, and when I think back to these I always think "god, they were out of my league." And that got me thinking. Does anyone else have these "leagues?" Do you put yourself into a league and do you do it with others?

I'm stewing it over tonight as I REALLY fancy a (single) bloke from work, and we flirt and get on a treat. But because I'm fat and he's incredibly fit and attractive, I automatically write off the possibility of anything because he's "out of my league."

I hate that I do myself down and apparently don't regard myself as a "catch." But... I can't help feeling this "leagues" thing is real. Would welcome any thoughts.

foxinthedesert, I've learnt reading this thread that even the posters vehemently claiming there are no leagues clearly have leagues. they say they like intelligent men. well they wouldn't date the viewers of the jeremy kyle show then, those men wouldn't be in their league. although we could go round in circles for days describing it in different ways that's what it amounts to.

i like men who are clever, good humoured, decent, averagely attractive, independent, have interests... but those men have a lot going for them and are in demand so therefore even though I can offer the same, they are out of my league because they have more options than I do.

I listened to a freakonomics podcast about dating a while ago and it was interesting. Harsh but hey, as somebody said to me on another thread, nature is cruel and you aren't a fertile woman any more.

people are a damn sight more open to these attractions developing with people who have roughly the same to offer as they do

That's a completely separate issue to leagues. Of course people gravitate to similarity - similar job, education, interests, background, values etc. At the same time some people gravitate away from similarity to people with contrasting nationality, job, background etc, and they're attracted to the difference.

no twinklestein, it is not different to leagues. It's central to leagues.

You are usually so sharp but you're having a right blind spot here.

With respect, I think you're so brainwashed by the valley of the dolls that you can't really hear what I'm saying. Or you can but you don't believe it.

You see a person choosing someone similar to themselves as proof of leagues, when really it's a kind of commonality.

Um, Im not sure whats being argued here.

I do have a basic set of wants for a partner, does that really mean I have my own private league going on?

I think we should all go out on the beers together and see what we can pull.

I was in a bar with a friend a few weeks ago looked at a guy and said to my friend "oooh...he's nice" and she said "he's way out of your league"

ha ha, I honestly don't take the leagues thing personally or get offended by it. I just think like attracts like.

Thank you Helmet, you nailed it.

It's a bout having preferences, not leagues. A league means that you are in a box deserving or not deserving of someone from another box. Bit like the Indian caste system.

I'd like to think I'm a league of my own though. Or am I contradicting myself now

brainwashed by the valley of the dolls!? that sounds good but I've no idea what it means or how it applies to my life.

I'm looking for a connection, compatibility, attraction, chemistry and time and time again the person with whom I think I've found it keeps me at a distance because frankly, sadly, he believes rightly or wrongly he can do better or deserves better.

twinklestein leagues and awareness of them is so innate and it's something that you perhaps have got right. Internally. Who you're naturally attracted to is the group of people who are naturally predisposed to be attracted to you and for that reason you can't see the wood for the trees.

Perhaps I'm the one who can see it because I'm getting it wrong. Clearly I am. Brainwashed? No. But relentless declined. I wouldn't say rejected but definitely, what I have to offer is not wanted by the people I want to offer it to. So I'm going to have to think about going down a league, if I can face that, if it'd be worth it. Many questions to ponder. I only wish I were happily married and could believe that there were no leagues. What a beautiful world view.

foxinadesert yes, I do believe I'm exempt from classification but perhaps this is a delusion which contributes to my relentless singledom.

Look at the end of the day, if there was no leagues and looks did not matter it would be the norm to see mismatched people - as it is - seeing that is the exception.

Most couples are in loose terms matched looks wise, and if they are not the less physically attractive partner has something else special which elevates their league - money, power, supreme intellect.

yes, somebody who is unattractive has very little chance with somebody who is more attractive than is usual. I'm surprised that there are people who'd spend an hour arguing with that.

Donatella, drinks sounds good! I need more single friends :-p

now, to be bold, and wind up twinklestein, you and I better hope that we're in different leagues so that we're not competing for the same men

But Donatella who decides who is mis-matched and who isn't? There is no benchmark or standard. It is all down to preference, 2 happy people in a good relationship are obviously NOT mis-matched. Regardless of looks, profession, income, intellectual capacity.

This society just has this urge to put people in categories.

I'm going to pass on drinks. I don't do alcohol and live way too far away.

I honestly don't know and FWIW I do see that certain characteristics make people more "sexy".

I think Stefi Graf and Meryl Streep are incredible sexy and attractive phsyically whilst not being conventionally beautiful and a large part of that is charisma, talent, gravitas etc.

All I am saying is that there are leagues, because they are walking down the street in front of me holding hands in pairs all day.

I don't see women who look like Susan boyle matched up with men who look like George Clooney on a regular basis. That is all I am saying.

I think leagues are also subconsciously assigned. I also think we assign ourselves to said leagues without actually thinking about it.

With the bet will in the world there is no way I would approach Kylie Minogue, I'd die in a puddle of horny sweat, I'm a 36 year old penniless SAHD, what in earth would she see in me? I've automatically assigned myself a league much lower than her. but then she's a goddess and I'm a little dickhead

I'd also not approach someone I found average looking that worked in the city because there's nothing I could 'bring to the table' besides my emotionally dull and very misanthropic personality.

Anyone that is ever been in a relationship has placed themselves in a league in relation to their partner, whether they feel equal or lesser.

I'll come for drinks. But not the curly fried.

I'd pass on 'pulling'. I just CBA nowadays. If DH died, I couldn't be bothered. Already get hit on by tubby old pervs who are way out of my league as it is.

MN drinks does sound fun. Imagine all the dick head stories we'd have.

It sounds to me like you're going for the wrong people Guna. Perhaps you're not good at reading signs of who's interested.

Nothing to do with leagues. If someone doesn't want to go out with you it doesn't mean they think they're in a higher league or deserve better, but simply that you don't suit them.

When I've fancied someone who didn't fancy me it didn't occur to me that I wasnt in their league - just that I wasn't their type.

For you I think the answer is to be more fussy rather than less.

You don't have to worry about 'competing' me though I've been married for 15 years.

"It seems that for some posters a woman's worth is only in her beauty.

Doesn't matter if you are a doctor for medicin sans frontiers, a Pulitzer Prize winner, the greatest scientist of our time whatever. It's all about having conventional good looks."

It's not us posters who think that, it's based on how we see men behaving. A male friend of mine (who has an accomplished wife btw) said to me that his sister couldn't understand why she was single when she had such a good job and he said something like 'that's just not what men care about'.

To be honest, I don't see why it's better to judge people on what job they have over anything else. Is every cleaner supposed to be single because only professionally successful people should be seen as attractive?

"but no-one can agree on who is good looking. I previously gave the examples of Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and Bradley Cooper - I don't find these men attractive at all."

There have been plenty of studies on this kind of thing. Photos can be shown to thousands of people and what emerges is a kind of consensus. It doesn't matter if you personally don't find Johnny Depp attractive.

Yes people can definitely tell who is good looking regardless of whether they are attracted to them or not. Sure there isn't any fixed level everyone would ascribe to a person but there will be a general idea.

And honestly you really don't see mismatchs in looks between couples often. You do know that people can be good looking and also be intelligent have a good job be kind etc etc they are not mutually exclusive.

So a man who is handsome who likes women who are intelligent, certain kind of humour etc will date a woman that has all these things it's just that she will most likely be attractive as well.

Another thing to bear in mind is that you might live somewhere with more women than men. There are often more women in big cities, plus there are more men in prison and possibly more gay men than gay women so the available pool of men is smaller.

For me, it's a mish mash. I've dated some conventionally good-looking, some not so much.

It's a balance of things which just add up.

For e.g., a confident, powerful, successful minger, with a large bank balance, could be as attractive to me as a stunningly beautiful airhead with a penchant for cocklodging. Equally, an average Joe, with a brilliant sense of humour could tickle my fancy.

I'm in a league of my own I think lol.

So gwen, you think a woman's worth is only in her beauty?

Sometimes women really are their own worst enemies.
95% of women aren't beautiful, but still manage to have happy/fulfilling lives and relationships, sometimes with handsome men. Funny that.