So, I'm fat. Size 22, 5 foot 7. Huge boobs but undeniably fat. I'm sociable though... genuine, intelligent (i like to think!!) and have an acceptably pleasant face. I've slept with many men, some of whom were EXTREMELY good looking, and when I think back to these I always think "god, they were out of my league." And that got me thinking. Does anyone else have these "leagues?" Do you put yourself into a league and do you do it with others?
I'm stewing it over tonight as I REALLY fancy a (single) bloke from work, and we flirt and get on a treat. But because I'm fat and he's incredibly fit and attractive, I automatically write off the possibility of anything because he's "out of my league."
I hate that I do myself down and apparently don't regard myself as a "catch." But... I can't help feeling this "leagues" thing is real. Would welcome any thoughts.
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"leagues" of attractiveness - who's out of your league?!
DraenorQueen · 26/11/2015 19:56
I think that's a good point gwenhyfar about fewer men, more women. In a town, or workplace. There was an article on psychology today recently about how men were less likely to be in a relationship if their sex comprised less than half of the class. so, although it would have been easier for them, they didn't form relationships. They were more likely to form relationships with class mates if their sex was in the majority.
That post of Donatella's that others found so depressing, I'm afraid I think that it is pretty much true. Intelligent men will of course value humour and intelligence and compatibility and they won't start a relationship with just any random attractive woman, they will be smart enough to choose one that they do genuinely get on with, but they wouldn't have noticed the compatibility etc if she weren't attractive.
I'm not attracted to extreme versions of this type of man, but I think all men have this to a degree.
Twinklestein every time I've experience that 'click!' feeling with a man, I've had such optimism, I forget the previous fifty five times that a man has liked my company, told me his life story, asked my advice, laughed at my jokes etc etc etc and then been unable to commit to just me in case a younger version of me walks up behind me. Ok, it hasn't happened 55 times but in the last few years, post psychotherapy, since I've got my priorities right, it's happened a good few times, that's for sure. That's what's so depressing. The men don't seem to value what I feel is a valuable connection. So, that brings me back to leagues. And options and choices. if I can be sitting across from a man and he is very happy to be in my company in that moment but keeping his options open then I guess he feels a connection and yet doesn't value it particularly, plenty more connections like that out there. So, it's dawning on me, I need to either accept being single forever, or start trying to feel chemistry 
with men I don't find quite attractive enough 
utterly I think it really must be them and not us.
I think that when men date someone like me, they're always keeping an eye out for someone like you (at least that's been my experience).
But it seems that, when they date someone like you, maybe you're still only worth what you look like to them. what is it they actually want?
It can't be that a short, curvy, intelligent, redhead who is 40 but often gets mistaken for 32 and a tall, slim, toned, intelligent, young blonde are not attractive to anyone on a meaningful level!
Actually, I think intelligence counts against us at times. It means we don't just smile and accept what they say. It means we can see through their lies and we won't tolerate them. Maybe intelligence isn't the asset we presume it is! My mother certainly warned me it wasn't!
I'm not sure about all this leagues of attractiveness stuff .. I've studied social relationships in psychology and the theories do point to men being attracted to the ideal. However my own personal experience says different, I'm 5 ft5 size 8 brunette and I've been described as stunning looks wise, yet the only men who approach me aren't that attractive or even attractive at all looks wise. They don't have good jobs or prosperity either. I was involved with a man who was a lot older was fairly good looking less than average salary, renting etc and he told me he preferred very very ordinary women who were size 14 
but hey he wasn't complaining when he said he couldn't stop looking at me during sex and complimenting my body
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