"leagues" of attractiveness - who's out of your league?!

[DraenorQueen]

So, I'm fat. Size 22, 5 foot 7. Huge boobs but undeniably fat. I'm sociable though... genuine, intelligent (i like to think!!) and have an acceptably pleasant face. I've slept with many men, some of whom were EXTREMELY good looking, and when I think back to these I always think "god, they were out of my league." And that got me thinking. Does anyone else have these "leagues?" Do you put yourself into a league and do you do it with others?

I'm stewing it over tonight as I REALLY fancy a (single) bloke from work, and we flirt and get on a treat. But because I'm fat and he's incredibly fit and attractive, I automatically write off the possibility of anything because he's "out of my league."

I hate that I do myself down and apparently don't regard myself as a "catch." But... I can't help feeling this "leagues" thing is real. Would welcome any thoughts.

[aWowChristmasGuna]

Had to put down my phone and go on my lap top for this thread. This isn't talked about enough. It's something I've been thinking about lately, I visited a friend recently and she's very similar to me, physically and in her personality. She has a lot of exes but they're all ancient or overweight drinkers.... i think she sets the bar very low but she's always with somebody.

I wonder if I'm delusional about my league. My female friends love me and I think I'm slim, attractive, well-dressed, independent, solvent, funny, etc.... but my attractions are never reciprocated. The most recent man I liked, I thought we really connected, but in the end, he wanted to have sex but not to have a relationship. Some times they are very happy to be my friend but are hoping to have sex with / meet somebody younger prettier etc... I think this league stuff needs to be discussed more not less. There is some huge disconnect between the men who are actually in my league and the men I want to be with....

Have wondered about this lately.

[itsmeohlord]

No one is out of my league.

[DownstairsMixUp]

A lot of men are. I've slept with enough but not once have I ever chatted a man up.

[coyotejo]

I have never considered "leagues". Most of my boyfriends have been scientists, doctors or supergeeks.

[DraenorQueen]

aWow I get you. My catalogue of exes (relationships not shags) is really poor. Mostly alcoholics, wasters, etc. Which I find really depressing. I've moved location a LOT in the last ten years - all round the country - and I always find men to drink with, laugh with, sleep with, but rarely have a relationship with.

Spoke to a gay male friend tonight who's met the crush on a night out. I mentioned the "league" theory and he said "he's really NOT out of your league. He's a nice guy with a bit about him but not out of your league."

But then....he's my best friend and loves me for me, has seen me in every possible terrible state, doesn't see the fat etc.

[aWowChristmasGuna]

marzipan I agree that believing you're a catch is a state of mind, and I do! but I'm a relentlessly single catch!!

I am confident and time after time, this happens and I think, this man, this time?! maybe? and then he either doesn't want a romantic relationship, or he just wants sex,or he just wants friendship. I don't get it. I want both!

Not sure why I can't find it. But I do think I'm a 'catch'. It's not lack of confidence that's my problem.

I have to confront the possibility now that the men who are in my league are the dull overweight dishevelled fifty somethings who have messaged me on line dating . I check out their profiles to give them the benefit of the doubt and I'm underwhelmed by their personalities too! or at least their ability to inject some personality in to a profile.

I am messaging somebody in his fifties now but he seems to have a very good personality. I can be won over.

[FanjoFandango]

I have no idea what league I'd put myself in, but definitely not the same high one as my DH. He's typically good looking, fit, toned, has a great personality and sense of humour (and yes has his faults - I'm not blind to them). I don't think I'm ugly, and I think my personality is good, and I'm generally positive and quite confident (in my manner that is - not necessarily internally), but I became a wheelchair user 8 years ago and I find it so difficult to see how he can still find me attractive physically. We have been together 18 years, so were together for 10 before the wheelchair thing happened.

I know not everything is about how you look, but it's surely an important factor? To me personality is everything, but I have to be physically attracted to someone too.

[aWowChristmasGuna]

DraenorQueen, I get that reassurance too! maybe they're perpetuating my delusions, but it's nice to hear. my friends, and funnily enough, a really good gay male friend telling me that my last x (only dated him for four months) was "lucky to have dated you............." so that was nice of him (gay friend). In situations where a relationship is not on the agenda, ie, partnered up men at work, friends' husbands etc. I seem popular and well-liked. But in a situation where I'm single and he's single and I believe we are compatible, I can't think of an occasion where that had lift off and turned in to a relationship.

The bf I just mentioned, he was a compromise too, I knew he didn't have a healthy self-esteem and I knew he was broke and penniless and yet, I was tired of being single, i needed a break from being single. He gave me that.

[DraenorQueen]

In situations where a relationship is not on the agenda, ie, partnered up men at work, friends' husbands etc. I seem popular and well-liked. But in a situation where I'm single and he's single and I believe we are compatible, I can't think of an occasion where that had lift off and turned in to a relationship.
Um - exactly this!! I wonder, do we act more relaxed, normal (and therefore awesome!) around men with whom there's no sexual interest? Whereas with the Potentials, we aren't truly ourselves? I know with mr Beautiful from work, I'm just not me at the moment. I get on well with him, but there's always a small voice in my head screaming "THINK HOW YOU'RE COMING ACROSS!!!"

[expatinscotland]

I'm not fat, but I'm old (44). So young hotties are definitely out of my league. I'm also married . Lately, though, fat, older men (think 60s) in the area or whom I've met through a hobby seem to think I would actually go with them. WTAF? There's confidence and there's being delusional.

[aWowChristmasGuna]

I don't know! A bit, no doubt.

For a long time there was no shame greater (in my head) for a man to know that I liked him like that. I'm over that now though. I can send out just enough clues. I have risked rejection. Rejection was indeed the outcome, but I went in to it like there was every chance of success. Licked my wounds. Carried on with a stiff upper lip!

And I'm coming across clingy or desperate because I'm too used to be single at this point. I come across as independent. But that wouldn't put off the type of man I'd want to be with.

[aWowChristmasGuna]

I mean I'm not coming across as desperate.

[Openup41]

Interesting thread.

I was horrendously bullied at school mostly by boys who said the most mean things to me. As a result I was flattered by anyone who glanced at me. I recall feeling grateful when a guy was interested enough to sleep with me. Most then backed off stating they were not interested in a relationship. I stuck around as the "friend with benefits" and was left feeling dirty. I did not see myself as settling down material at all. I put up with a lot of crap and cringe when I look back. I had no respect for myself at all.

My dh is more attractive than me. He looks great whereas I need make up to look as good as him. I can live with that. I am healthy, slim with a nice figure - I pass.

[aWowChristmasGuna]

expat, you'd be surprised. Young men message me on pof suggesting that i@d like to have sex with them. Then I meet a man my own age and I think we have a compatibility, an attractive, a chemisty!! and he suggests that although he doesn't want a relationship, because "we're both adults" I wouuld like to sleep with him. I said no thank you. I wish I'd pointed out to him that if I wanted ''just sex'' I'd have taken the 25 year old up on his offer even though the 25 year old was clearly a nob, messaging women two decades older offering to service them basically

[expatinscotland]

Yeah, these old pervs shocked me. I was like, 'If I were going to cheat on my husband (which isn't going to happen), it sure as fuck wouldn't be with YOU!' GAG.

[BabyGanoush]

I am 40s

And get chatted up in the gym mainly by 60yr old men with enormous bellies!

So what does that say?!

[expatinscotland]

'And get chatted up in the gym mainly by 60yr old men with enormous bellies!'

Yep! And I am in there with my wedding ring on. My husband is also nearly 7 years younger than I am and thin as a whippet.

[aWowChristmasGuna]

It says they think that they're in your league!!!!!!! How depressing is that.

Recently at work I helped this old man with his pension. He'd lived in another country for a long time (eu) and I downloaded the forms he needed and so on. He told me that when his pension came through he'd take me out for a drink. I said ''thank you but no, keep your money and treat your friends''. He was about 25 years older than me, stank of fags, had terrible teeth, couldn't down load a form (my dad could do that!) omg. If these guys think that WE are their league........... no wonder nobody I like likes me back, like that. No wonder I'm relentlessly single. Here I am waiting for an attractive intelligent man within about .... 8 (?) years of my own age.

Am I the delusional one??

[Holowiwi]

I think some of you are proving the 'league' thing whilst trying to disprove it

From what i see most couples tend to be around the same level of physical attractiveness they may have a lot more going for them but I obviously can't know that. However you will be surprised people like different things and whilst you may not consider yourself a catch another person might consider those attributes you hate as attractive.

[expatinscotland]

'It says they think that they're in your league!!!!!!!'

It says they are fucking delusional. This one guy didn't even want to buy me a drink, he said pints were too expensive. As if! I said, 'I don't think my husband would like that. He's only just turned 38, too.'

[TwoSmellyDogs]

My DH has women of all ages swooning over him - some men too - I've got a body like a sack full of spanners and a face for radio, as they say! But he's with me and I endeavour to always make him believe he's very bloody fortunate in that!

[mewkins]

My friend has a theory that all men think they in a higher league than they actually are....and all women think they are in a lower league than they are.
Which would explain why I am constantly surprised when I meet people's partners!!

[expatinscotland]

Oh, these guys definitely think they are in a higher league.

[Seeyounearertime]

My friend has a theory that all men think they in a higher league than they actually are.

I think I have a theory that says the lower the league a man is actually in the higher the league he thinks he's in.

[MoriartyIsMyAngel]

Shameful confession time - in my twenties I rejected a guy who liked me because as far as I was concerned he wasn't 'in my league'. He was gracious about it, we stayed in touch and became good friends over time, and he is married with kids now. His wife is lovely too. And what I see now is that the height difference didn't mean anything, and his receding hairline didn't mean anything, because he's a gorgeous person, inside and out, and I was the vain idiot who turned him down because I couldn't be seen to have a boyfriend who was shorter than me. It is what it is, and I'm not eating my heart out, but if I could go back twenty years into the past that's something I'd change!

This resonated with me when I watched it