Husband crossed a line (long)

[NCShouldLTB]

I was at a work event about 10 days ago that OH was also at. The next day, OH said he thought the dress was a bit too short for a work thing. To be totally honest, I was inclined to agree with him - it tended to ride up which I hadn't noticed before and I was also wearing less opaque tights than I usually would. It turned into a row as he was being dictatorial rather than "friendly word in your ear" about it. I also think there was an element of jealousy in it as he accused me of dressing up for the "dirty old men" at the event. Anyway, we rowed. I went out for the day with the kids. He picked us up. We had a more civilized conversation about it later on after the kids were in bed. I figured to myself I might cut the dress into a top or something as I didn't want it to go to waste if I didn't like the look of it with the proper tights the next time.

Cut to two nights later and I go to get a different dress ready for work and it's not in my closet. Nor is the short dress. He has taken 2 of my dresses. He first tells me he gave them to charity but then admits they are in the shed. I am beyond furious and tell him so, don't get into any debate about the why he took them or anything, just tell him it is in no way acceptable to take my clothes. Tell him it's abusive, controlling etc. He apologises (which is extremely rare for him - to actually say it out loud, he's usually more the type to show he's sorry by actions than words). He says we can go shopping to get me something new. I am not mad keen on the idea - prefer to shop alone and don't really want his input anyway and certainly not him checking hem lengths for respectability in any way, shape or form. However, he is really making an effort so I go along with the idea.

However, the taking of the dresses plays on my mind a lot - it crosses such a terrible line. I emailed my thoughts on it and he agreed it crossed a line but his reply also implied some level of him believing he "had to" to get my attention as I was not taking him seriously. Bleurgh.

Then, this evening, I went to check about another dress of mine that I need to do a bit of mending on. This is a dress that would not look amiss on Kate Middleton - not that this it really matters either way, it was MY dress - and he has taken that too. He did not mention to me that he had taken more than the ones I knew about. And he did not take the opportunity to replace them in my closet in the week or so they were in the shed. In fact, there were 5 more dresses in there, including the one that needed mending. Again, not that it matters because they were MINE - but his point was about not giving the wrong idea in a work environment where there are known lecherous blokes and women who work there who dress in any way provocatively have been asked if they are sleeping with the boss - and only two of these could be considered non work appropriate.

So I am furious again but he is out so we can't thrash it out so I am here. I think he just doesn't like my style at work and think I should dress more office wearish. I disagree but that is not the big thing. The big think is that he thought it was ok to go into my closet and confiscate stuff.

So yes, there are thoughts of LTB in my head especially as there have been a few comments in the past year that have slightly struck a wrong note about his attitude to his role as husband being a controlling one. However, we have been together 11 years, married 8 and have 2 kids. He doesn't have form for this in the previous years.

And i mostly needed to brain dump as he is out so I can't dump on him right now and tell him how bloody wrong he is.

Well done if you got this far.

Like all of you, I was very stressed to hear that opaque tights are out of fashion. I'm sure I've seen people wearing them already!

Phew, now that's out of the way, this whole thing is so bizarre I don't know what to say. All I would do is remove the items from the shed, put them back in your wardrobe, don't go shopping with him as his input is not needed for your clothes and tell him if he doesn't back off, this really is a LTB matter.

My husband once told me a certain outfit was a bit 'young' for me- he was being honest. He didn't stop me wearing it (as if?) or comment that I was wearing it for the benefit of 'dirty old men'. About two years later, I stopped wearing it as he was right, it was a bit short/not quite the right look for the work I was doing.

Nothing your husband is doing is ok, in fact, I'm speechless!

I'm wearing opaque tights right now - together with a quite short woollen dress and knee high boots.

DH told me I look nice.

If he started putting my stuff in the shed because of "lecherous old men" we'd be having serious words.

I don't like the idea of tit for tat. My x would have said he liked it if I censored his clothes, because I'd be "looking after him". His boundaries were screwed. And it's a bit of a mind fuck hearing he'd like it if the tables were turned.

Anyway. One option to consider is he sleeps elsewhere. You put a lock on the bedroom door. That starkly symbolises your lack of trust. He needs to do some hard work to regain that trust and that could focus his mind.

Or he could think you're unreasonable. In which case you have bigger problems.

If he has really never ever shown any weird controlling behaviour in the past (which I find hard to believe tbh) then he's going into some kind of meltdown.

I would think therapy for him alone would be a better option at this point.

And non-negotiable.

Oh, and he didn't get the dresses back from the shed but let you do it. Sounds like he's not really got it yet: he's just humouring you.

I agree with Twinkle. If this is abnormal behaviour, he needs some help.

I also think he was entitled to express his opinion on how your clothes made him feel. If my dh bought an outfit like Gleb was wearing on Strictly last week, I think I'd have to say something. In fact, even if he just wore really tight jeans which showed off his whole 'packet' to the world, I would likewise say something. I don't think I would confiscate it, but I would hope he'd listen to my opinion and respect it. He wasn't entitled to confiscate your stuff though, and it just seems weird that he put it in the shed, really weird. I would get some help for him.

here.

(I can hear pearls being clutched by smooth legged, nude tight wearing women all over the UK)

DH and I constructively comment on each other's outfits occasionally. Mainly because he hasn't got around to realising that the trousers he bought in Next in 1992 in a sale are no longer a good look but I would go absolutely spare if he did something like this.

OP I think the lack of job probably has a lot to do with it but it does sound as like there needs to be a longer conversation about his need for control. Are there any other areas where's he exhibiting this kind of behaviour? What's he like with the children?

I wear black opaque tights. They take about a stone off my visual weight.

I think I have thrown a few of DH clothes out before. Things with holes in that he refuses to throw away because he has hoarding tendencies. He has more than 50 shirts. Just musing on whether I am a control freak.

But yes, I think him being out of work could be significant here. Feeling inadequate and comparing himself unfavourably with other guys who you might come across in your work, therefore making you look less attractive / less available, makes him feel safer. It's quite a weird one, but sounds plausible. Obviously don't put up with any of this crap, and don't let him take you shopping. But I would hope things would improve if his self-esteem recovers when he goes back to work.

My guess would be that he is quite controlling - but previously this control was satisfied through his work - he may well have bullied and controlled his staff or colleagues.
Now he is out of work the only way to manifest his control is on you.

You may wish to look back and reflect if he talks about people as if they were lesser than him - that he considers his own views as right and everyone else as wrong. I think perhaps there have been signs but they were milder than this.

Also - this is not depression - the diagnostic criteria for depression do not include this sort of behaviours.

I agree with MyLife that this doesn't sound like depression. To me it sounds like lack of job = no power at work (was he is a reasonably senior position where he had staff who reported in to him?) = need to exert power elsewhere. The only "elsewhere" is at home. And yes, as many others have said, probably coupled with fear that he will be less desirable/competent/attractive in your eyes as that's his projection of his own feelings about himself on to you. Quite probably when he starts his new job, this will be resolved, at least for the short term. Depends if you can handle the knowledge that this later ego exists.

In my mid twenties my clothing style was short, tight etc. My ex H bought me a long, one-size, voluminous red and white checked dress for my birthday which could have doubled up as a tablecloth (for a large table at that). I was a size 6 and only ever wore it when I was pregnant.

I wear opaque tights too

I had no idea it was no longer OK to wear opaque tights!

I am gobsmacked!
Where on earth does he get off;
a - Critisising your dress code
b - Taking your dresses and hiding them
Who the fuck does he think he is!

I wouldn't dream of doing any of this.
He should be proud that his DW looks good for work (I'm sure it was not as inappropriate as you are making out)

This is VERY controlling behaviour

He said he took them to the charity shop? So it is okay for other women to wear them, but not you?
A bit bigoted, isn't it?
Maybe he is one of those dirty old men, which is why he knows your dresses are appealing to them. (No, really. I knew a man who didn't want his wife to be alone with other men. He was an asshole I would not want any woman to be alone with, not even his wife.)

Apparently you are not ready to get divorced, so here is what you should do:

• get your own bank account, if you don't have one already.
• take measures to keep your bank account safe from your husband. Maybe open a second one which he doesn't know about.
• take a look at your friends. How many of them are your friends, how many are friends you share with your husband? Pay attention to how much time you spend with your friends. Be aware of any attempt of your husband to reduce this time.

I hope for you that your husband will see reason and this was a one-time thing, but the fact that he hid your dresses again, after you had a row about it, does not bode well.

Others have posted their experience with such behaviour, so ... Constant Vigilance!

There are some of DH clothes I would LOVE to throw away. But I don't.
I sometimes push him to do so (like Majestic, they are old things with holes in, out of shape and/or colour etc... Things that you would wear to redecorate the house and cover them in paint type of thing).
I do tell him when I think some stuff doesn't suit him or when he could try something different.
But I would NEVER throw stuff away. They are his and it's his choice to wear whatever he wants.

I'm wondering if the OP's DH suddenly realised that actually his DW is quite attractive and is also doing quite well in her job. And he doesn't like it.
I'm wondering too if he doesn't do the ogling too and knows only too well what sort of looks a nice looking woman attracts.

Either way, it isn't an attractive sight.

However, I'm not sure whatelse you can do apart from what you have already done! I really hope he realises how wrong he is and is changing back to his old self.

BTW, I would very careful about jumping immediately into the LTB mode and his is only going to control you more and more.

Sometimes, people do things that are inappropriate as it is the case here. Sometimes, they don't dare fessing up because they've clearly have messed up and are frightened about how bad the reaction of their DP will be. Sometimes, they also prefer to stik their head in the sand.
We've all done that at one time or another.

So YY to kjeep an eye to whatelse is going on.
But I wouldn't jump to conclusion either. Not afetr 10 years together, dcs etc... and no issue at all along those lines.

Lots of useful and balanced replies here- much appreciated.

He says (and yes, this next sentence is thoroughly out of line also) he is perfectly fine for me to wear the dresses outside of work but doesn't want rumour spreading starting at work.
This is ridiculous on many levels that are side issues to "you cannot dictate to me what to wear" but for the record- several of the dresses were from Boden, not known for their revealing clothes and one was a fit and flare style dress from Gap. No boobs, no thigh, would be perfectly acceptable in the bloody 50s so I can only surmise that he doesn't think they are serious workwear or something which actually kind of, possibly makes it worse maybe as it's pure style he's trying to dictate rather than inappropriateness though it's all wrong wrong wrong

Some other points I need to reply to too but am just heading out to work on my opaque tights! ;)

NC - stop justifying the dresses. Quite frankly if you feel it appropriate to show up at work event in something you bought in Anne Summers, then that's your call. He might get to opine on that and call someone to help stage an intervention on style and polyester if nothing else but he doesn't get to dictate what you wear, when you wear it and then HIDE YOUR STUFF!

I think you need to detach the detail of what he's done from the bigger issue - which is one of inappropriate behaviour and controlling tendencies.

I think he's got too much time to think, and therefore he's not thinking clearly. I see that as a tendency in my retired parents. I'm not saying LTB, but I do think he needs to have a serious chat with himself.

So him being out of work = him feeling inadequate and his response to that is to put you in your place by telling you how to dress and taking your clothes so you do as he demands?

What the hell are opaque tights when they're at home, those thick woolly ones?

I think I would be taking every pair of duds and socks he owned, sticking them under the mattress and kept quiet until the point had been hammered home.

opaque is not seethrough. Some are woolly, some aren't. No idea which are out of fashion or if it's both. I go for 1 colour patterned ones myself.

OP, the last comment he made is a classic digging himself deeper into a hole. He's not able to say he was being totally unreasonable (for whatever reason, short term issue or long term issue) and is not trying to justify it.

is NOW trying to justify it - grrrrrrrrrrrr

Why isn't he working? And is this really the first sign of controlling behaviour or has he shown signs of it before?

Bloody hell hes jumped over that line hasn't he. That's awful. I had an ex like this, he never took my clothes though (just made me feel shit so I didn't wear them) next step was checking I was going and returning home in the same knickers.

Honestly it will escalate if he doesn't have a word with himself. It's really worrying that he still thinks he's right.

As a side note, have you seen the opaque tights with pretend stocking tops?!!