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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid or do you reckon I'm right?

301 replies

donnattella · 19/11/2015 18:04

I'm not sure if my imagination is running away with me here.

Relatively new man, we've been seeing each other about 6 weeks and a we're exclusive but it's early days.

A had a nagging annoyance throughout in that he seems to be online on whatsapp quite often and very late at night. We're late twenties, but even I don't get 1am or 2am texts from friends on a daily basis so it made me a bit Hmm wondring who the heck he is talking to all the time.

He's not weird about his phone, and he doesn't use it at all when he's with me, and have noticed he aslo doesn't really get late night texts when he's with me either. I did notice a text from one girl a couple of weeks ago, and it was just friend stuff but it came at midnight. He'd just left the phone on the table and it flashed up. Nothing funny on the text, no kisses, just a contuinance of a conversation.

I was a bit Hmm so I checked on that girl and found she lives overseas in a place he used to live, and maybe the time diferrence might be why all the late night texting. He does hve a lot of female friends. She's not especially pretty, but he "likes" a lot of her photos. More than he does mine actually.

Anyway, he booked a holiday to go over to see friends. Says he has a lot from when he used to live there and obviously this girl lives there too. I didn't ask where he was going or who he was staying with - we're not at that stage yet and would not know who the people were anyway- but we made a date for the day after he gets home.

Not heard from him much, and I have noticed a couple of things that would indicate he's with this girl. Same photos being posted from both of them, that sort of thing. Also noticed he's never online texting since he's been away.

Am I being totally paranoid? Is he likely shagging this girl or is there a good chance they are just good friends? I've no reason to find him not trustworthy but it's nagging at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 08:49

I'm more worried about his idea of manners and decency though

OP posts:
Wolfie2 · 22/11/2015 08:50

Doing as Audrey Hepburn would do is a good idea. I would FEEL like contacting her though. Informing her he's been double timing.

Saying that, it's a very young new relationship (only 6 week). He may have actually seen meeting up with you as less of a steady relationship thing and more of a dating, getting to know you thing.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 08:54

He may have actually seen meeting up with you as less of a steady relationship thing and more of a dating, getting to know you thing.

This is what I'm thinking. I don't think that he's necessarily the baddie in all of this. You may just have been expecting different things from the relationship. I know that I used to have a tendency to "fast forward" and assume exclusivity etc.

Wolfie2 · 22/11/2015 08:54

Maybe you need to try and be less emotionally invested in the early days? Just see early dates as a laugh and nice company and getting to know each other.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 08:59

Wolfie: he had the exclusivit chat with me. All the while he's texting someone else and planning a week away with her.

I know I'm not perfect at all but do you really thonk you can go around expecting people to lie and cheat and just brush it off as your own fault when it hurts because you invested?

OP posts:
Wolfie2 · 22/11/2015 09:00

I think if you'd been with each other a year and he was holidaying with a woman, it would be different but you are in the early getting to know each other stage. It all sounds very intense for a 6 week relationship

ILiveAtTheBeach · 22/11/2015 09:02

6 weeks might not sound like a long time, but actually it depends on how many dates you are having a week! Me and DH saw each other about 3/4 times per week, so that would be 24 dates, and most people would be sleeping together 6 weeks in, so I think this guy is a prize shit bag. OP, send the OW a FB message. Fuck it all up for him. I would. Well done for being so switched on. Flowers and Wine for you. Onwards and upwards. There are good guys out there. xx

Wolfie2 · 22/11/2015 09:06

Actions speak louder then words. You can only know how committed someone is with time.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 09:12

Look, I'd been dating someone else from the new year for 5 months or so and we had phone chats now and then, a few texts and went on a date once a week. We slept together after 4 months and it never felt quite right.

This one was very diferrent. He befriended me and spent a long time invested in getting to know me. Lots of texting into the night about our lives, childhoods, what we liked and I genuinely felt really lose to him before even our first date.

The first date went on for three days. Just in bed only getting up for food and it felt like I'd met someone I was going to be with for a long time. It was only six week, but I felt really deeply about him and he said he did too.

I was nervous and felt vulnerable about the texts because I cared about him, but the exclusivity chat was one he instigated on our second date and he was very verbal about telling me that since he'd met me he'd not logged onto Tinder, he'd lost interest in paying the field and all of that.

I was made to feel that my paranoia was down to my past, and in reality it's patently obvious he was at minimum texting another girl very frequently and made a plan to go over and visit her and passed it off to me as visiting an old mate.

I don't know what I could have done diferrently, but I think I just met a really bad person.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 09:20

This one was very diferrent. He befriended me and spent a long time invested in getting to know me. Lots of texting into the night about our lives, childhoods, what we liked and I genuinely felt really lose to him before even our first date.

I think that this kind of 'electronic communication' can give a false sense of intimacy. The lack of physical proximity, body language etc means we have to fill in the gaps.

I don't think anyone thinks you shouldn't feel hurt and betrayed, but are suggesting ways of protecting yourself in future that don't require acting in ways that make you use a label of paranoid.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 09:22

I don't know what I could have done diferrently, but I think I just met a really bad person.

After the exclusivity chat on date 2(!) you could have thought, "hmm that ticks boxes for me, but it's only our second date so lets give it a couple of months to see if his actions match his words and enjoy the dating-getting-to-know-each-other phase in the meantime".

I wonder what he thought when you accepted being exclusive after date 2?

(I don't think he's a bad person).

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 09:25

RedMapleLeaf...if we'd not had the exclusivity chat I would be just as hurt to find he was shagging someone else on holiday. It wouldn;t really matter the circumstances if your new boyfriend does that I don't think there's a way to protect yourself. At least not me anyway. Was the last thing I needed and I am already anxious and paranoid

OP posts:
Natalieday1 · 22/11/2015 09:41

For goodness sake will people just give the poor girl a break! This is about him being a ass, she feels bad enough already without people trying to somehow imply that it's her fault,
Op please don't let anything some of these people have said affect u, this is not at all ur fault most people would react the same doesn't matter if u were with him 6 weeks or 6 months cheating hurts regardless!
Keep ur chin up and move on, his loss Smile

Goodbetterbest · 22/11/2015 09:43

OP, I'm really sorry. But you have dodged a bullet here.

For a start, you shouldn't be feeling like you were 6 weeks into a new relationship.

Secondly, he played you.

Thirdly, he is an atrocious thundercunt.

Fourthly, you trusted your instincts and you were right. Don't lose sight of this. This will carry you forward and prevent you from being played by other atrocious thundercunts.

Lick your wounds, have a cry, grieve what wasn't to be, feel like a twat for getting sucked in. And tomorrow wake up feeling phenomenal.

It happens the best of us.

rubymallorywhite · 22/11/2015 09:53

It's funny how we have such double standards....

He doesn't post holiday updates, he's weird.

She posts holiday updates, she's desperate.

This girl has done nothing wrong, cut your losses & move on.

Getting angry / emotional will just end off in you humiliating yourself & six weeks just isn't worth upsetting yourself over !!!!

Keeping him after he has done that to quietly defriend "smacks of desperation" because you're scared to close the lines of communication/ burn your bridges !!!!!

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 10:09

I've been out with him 20 times and not made a selfie of us my profile photo. Or even posted one. He's been with her a week. Sorry...my own view of that is a bit cringe and smacks of "look who I am with and where I am". But I feel that way about gratuitious selfies anyway. And gratuitous tagging, which I never do. I don't generally interrupt my dinner to take a selfie and make it my facebook profile picture. I eat my bloody dinner and talk to the person I am with.

No double standard...I find it weird he went on holiday and didn't make any posts, seeing as he usually posts regularly. Seemed like with something exciting like a holiday and foreign sites it would be expected to see something of it.

Thanks for the supportive posts anyway.

Someone's posted under her pic..."who is this? your boyfriend?" so it will be interesting to see the answer!

OP posts:
rubymallorywhite · 22/11/2015 10:12

It is double standards & you're being horrible.
I feel sorry for you, he's been an arsehole.
Leave the girl alone though.
Does my head in how the person with the vagina is automatically the bad one in these situations, the one you're sitting analysing & calling desperate
She's not done anything wrong...

VaviaVive · 22/11/2015 10:23

You seem like a cool person OP you can do better than him :)

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 10:24

Where am I not saying he is the bad one? of course he is.

The only two things I have said about this woman are that

  1. I think she's not pretty - which I don't. Not sure how or why that offends people. I haven't been nasty and called her names or anything -just simply said in my view she isn't attractive. Nothing horrible.
  1. I think posting a profile picture after a few days with a new man at dinner is a bit desparate. Also not sure how that offends people. It's usually eye roll behavior that I have always disliked in anyone.

I'm not being horrible at all. Just honest.

Stand back and ask yourself if you'd do that after a few days with a new man....bet you wouldn't!

I don't blame her for one seconds, as I said, I am quite sure she has no idea I exist.

OP posts:
Shakey15000 · 22/11/2015 10:30

He's obviously behaved despicably and you have thankfully found out what a twat he is.

But.

With respect, I agree that after only 6wks/20 dates, you were waaayy over invested. Best to completely let it go. Unfriend and block on FB and stop torturing yourself by stalking their relationship online. That's not healthy

rubymallorywhite · 22/11/2015 10:30

I would be exactly the same,
It's just different looking at it from the outside with a clear head.

She's landed herself a grade A wanker, life will sort the rest out & you'll be too busy being fabulous to even notice !

Stop the FB snooping tho, again we all do it but you're just torturing yourself !

Shakey15000 · 22/11/2015 10:32

Big ol' xpost with ruby there regarding the stalking!

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 10:34

I am on a thread here where I am almost staggerred that the problem here seems to be that I:

  1. Don't tink the woman my boyfriend cheated on me is pretty, which makes me shallow
  1. Expected my boyfriend not to cheat
  1. Am a stalker and paranoid (despite being right)

Not sure what's going on this morning Mumsnet but reading some of that makes me really angry. Have we come to a point in 2015 where this sort of thing is normal?

And RedMapleLeaf....you dont think he is a bad person????

Holy cow. What constitutes a bad person? Are honestly, consideration, manners, empathy, being faithful in an exclusive relationship? Letting your girlfriend find out via facebook that you're shagging someone else?

And as for what do I think he thought of me when I agreed to go exclusive after 2 dates

Well...I can't project what he thought of me, but I can tell you that as he was the one that ASKED me he probably didn;t see the idea as being as ludicious as you do. I can also tell you that what I thought was that I'd met someone, grown to care about him over time, started dating and was in a sexual relationship where we stayed up all night talking and cuddling and that it would have felt slightly weird for me to be flirting, dating or otherwise droppng my knickrs for someone else at the same time.

Bloody hell.

OP posts:
Goodbetterbest · 22/11/2015 10:42

Ahh Donatella, MN isn't what it used to be.... I remember when a this was fields etc.

We are but strangers on the internet, hiding behind false names.

MN can be the best place in the world for support (I should know) but you have to no over invest emotionally. It's much the same as a new boyfriend.

FWIW I'd probably spend the day watching her FB page and getting angry. Unhealthy as it is. Then when it's unfolded I'd phone him and let him have it. Then block/delete/ignore/get on with your life grateful you have shit got instincts.

Shakey15000 · 22/11/2015 10:46

You're waiting to see what the next comments on FB are. Seriously, cut your losses and move on. Plenty of posters have agreed with you in that this is his fault and that you're instincts are right. You just don't like posters pointing out the over and continuing investment in this. And that's fine, because you're newly hurting.