Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid or do you reckon I'm right?

301 replies

donnattella · 19/11/2015 18:04

I'm not sure if my imagination is running away with me here.

Relatively new man, we've been seeing each other about 6 weeks and a we're exclusive but it's early days.

A had a nagging annoyance throughout in that he seems to be online on whatsapp quite often and very late at night. We're late twenties, but even I don't get 1am or 2am texts from friends on a daily basis so it made me a bit Hmm wondring who the heck he is talking to all the time.

He's not weird about his phone, and he doesn't use it at all when he's with me, and have noticed he aslo doesn't really get late night texts when he's with me either. I did notice a text from one girl a couple of weeks ago, and it was just friend stuff but it came at midnight. He'd just left the phone on the table and it flashed up. Nothing funny on the text, no kisses, just a contuinance of a conversation.

I was a bit Hmm so I checked on that girl and found she lives overseas in a place he used to live, and maybe the time diferrence might be why all the late night texting. He does hve a lot of female friends. She's not especially pretty, but he "likes" a lot of her photos. More than he does mine actually.

Anyway, he booked a holiday to go over to see friends. Says he has a lot from when he used to live there and obviously this girl lives there too. I didn't ask where he was going or who he was staying with - we're not at that stage yet and would not know who the people were anyway- but we made a date for the day after he gets home.

Not heard from him much, and I have noticed a couple of things that would indicate he's with this girl. Same photos being posted from both of them, that sort of thing. Also noticed he's never online texting since he's been away.

Am I being totally paranoid? Is he likely shagging this girl or is there a good chance they are just good friends? I've no reason to find him not trustworthy but it's nagging at me.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2015 09:35

No being paranoid is not healthy. But we have social media, information everywhere. Fragmentary and incomplete glimpses of people's lives as it may be but if one has reasons and opportunity to check, one should. Why would you not protect yourself. In an age where information is central to our way of being it would seem odd to make oneself ignorant!

aurynne · 21/11/2015 09:43

I think paranoid. And coupled with you feeling the need to mention twice that "she is not that attractive, so they probably have nothing going on", doesn't speak wonders about the kind of person you are either.

MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2015 09:46

I would also add that it isn't obligatory to share your life on social media. It is a choice to put personal information out there for people to see. Those who share seek validation and validation from being "the spectacle" a failed spectacle is one that passes unnoticed Grin

Trills · 21/11/2015 09:47

Cross-posted there obviously!

Original poster
donnattella · 21/11/2015 09:51

For goodness sake, of course attractiveness makes a difference. If your boyfriend shared a hotel with Angelina Jolie it'd be more worrying than if he was sharing with Susan Boyle and that's not me being shallow, it's just reality. I am not shallow or looks orinated, but from experience most men are, and although I didn't make that rule I'd be living in la laland not to acknowledge that men as a rule are more likely to be attracted to someone very attractive.

I feel shit already, and know I was paranoid, but as I said there was things not right for a while. No need to accuse me of being shallow,

Sorry for being snappy, but I'm sat here in tears and after a six week period of feeling just a little bit like something was off Im annoyed for not listenting to my gut

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 21/11/2015 09:58

In an age where information is central to our way of being it would seem odd to make oneself ignorant!

because social media isn't often real life. In any given week I may like one persons photos more than an other. Just because I happen to be on there. I don't scroll right to the last time was on a view everything.

You can see somethings on social media, but you are not getting the whole picture. Regardless of whether he is cheating or not.

Spending time stalking people isn't healthy just because it's on FB.

MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2015 10:02

It's only natural to wonder why someone chooses someone over you. It's also natural to make comparisons. I would. We all do because we are trying to understand why we seem to be not good enough. The fact is regardless of his tastes in women, you are too good for him.

SevenSeconds · 21/11/2015 10:07

Hope you're ok, OP

Zucker · 21/11/2015 10:14

Men don't have sex with unattractive women? That's an interesting belief Grin

Anyway, if this relationship has YOU acting like this after 6 or so week it's not good for YOU.

LovelyFriend · 21/11/2015 10:17

I'm not surprised you are paranoid- you are cyber stalking a fairly new boyfriend and his friends and it's bound to make you paranoid.

Will you go through his phone next chance you get too?

Without trust you've got nothing. Try talking to him and see how you get on. But for your own sanity knock the stalky behaviour on the head.

As for "she's not that pretty" it does make you sound very shallow and sexist. There is a whole world between Jolie and Boyle. Maybe this man is attracted to more than the superficial looks of a person. Sounds like he certainly has a connection. Must be her personality Hmm

Maybe it is a lovely friendship and he didn't tell you because he fears you will make superficial judgements and be paranoid?

Of course if you are right you're not paranoid at all.

LovelyFriend · 21/11/2015 10:18

You've been seeing him for 6 weeks and paranoid for 6 weeks? This isn't the relationship for you.

Original poster
donnattella · 21/11/2015 10:37

I didn't say men didn't have sex with unnattractive women, did I? I said men are more likely to want to have sex with very attractive women. If that's not your experience of the world, that's great, but it's not been mine.

My experience has been that men are quite good at being mates with no sexual feelings for girls who they don't find attractive if they get on well, whereas a girl they did find attractive and got on well with, they'd find it hard not to feel something more than friends for.

Therefore as she isn't look at all like his type, this was very relevant to my train of thought.

I have 3 or 4 very, very close male friends. Out of those, I know one finds me very unnatractive sexually. He is into athletic, small, natural looking blonde girls who like running marathons and are into hiking. He has always had this "type" and so as I am a make-up wearing, brunette with big boobs and not at all sporty he's never fancied me. We get on like a house on fire, I turn to him during bad times and we have even shared beds together. I'd definitely saty with him if I went on holiday (although would not text all night) and would know he'd never try nor want to shag me.

I have other male friends who I know find me attracive and think a lot of me, and despite being good mates, If I stayed in their house for a week they would most definitely have a few drinks and be hoping for more.

So physically attractiveness has -in MY view - some bearing to the situation.

Yep, I was definitely cyber stalking for sure. As I said, my fiance (who I trusted completely) was found to be on dating sites a few years back and I am not taking any chances. If I am dating someone and their phone goes off all hours of the night and it appears he's chatting to an OW then I am going to look up that woman on FB and try and see what's going on.

I'd not do that if he'd not been texting all night and her name wasn't pinging up on his phone when we were in bed. He'd never mentioned her, and he'd gone on holiday "to see mates" and was actually staying with this specific woman who'd had me worried before he even went. So maybe it's not so much paranoia as good sense.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2015 11:13

I'm sorry donnatella you are having to justify yourself. You have good intuition and you have every right to check the information on the packaging before you purchase! Better to use ones reason, all known data, intuition and keep your eyes open than be an unwilling dupe. Truest always requires a certain degree of vulnerability. But it shouldn't require stupidity or ignoring your own instincts.

There are good men out there who have integrity who don't hedge their bets even at the very start.

MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2015 11:14

*trust.

RedMapleLeaf · 21/11/2015 11:34

If I am dating someone and their phone goes off all hours of the night and it appears he's chatting to an OW then I am going to look up that woman on FB and try and see what's going on.

You see, I think that there's a healthier, happier way to react.

Walkacrossthesand · 21/11/2015 15:10

I think he is an evasive sort - giving the minimum of information as a routine - which will not suit you At All; and not all guys are like this, either. Interesting that his texting pattern has changed - they won't know you've been looking at FB unless you comment, so it's likely that your intuition is/was correct.
His reduced texting may be a good thing - you can just be non-committal about making another date, & let it go. Sorry you're in a vale of tears Flowers

Original poster
donnattella · 21/11/2015 20:27

Ahh. He was meant to come back today, as I said he cancelled our date.

Got tagged on Facebook at dinner with the girlie. So he extended the trip to stay with her, cancelled me and is ignoring my texts.

Almost hard to believe anyone could be so horrible. He didnt even tell me he changed his flight, I thought he was home until I saw that.

What a way to find out.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2015 21:13

You really do deserve someone better than him.

Walkacrossthesand · 21/11/2015 21:20

Ok - he's out of your life then isn't he. I do hope he doesn't have the bare faced cheek to make contact when he's back; and if he does, that you have the strength to tell him to piss off. Are you starting to find your 'angry' yet?

Original poster
donnattella · 21/11/2015 21:40

I'm just really shocked.

I haven't got any angry. I'm not very good at angry.

Just crying

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 21/11/2015 21:45

sorry but you sound a wee bit over invested in a relationship of 6 weeks.

Block him on FB and on your phone. pick yourself up and dust yourself down. Be thankful you found out now rather than 6 months or 6 years down the line.

He is a coward for not responding to your texts -don't give him the chance to ignore any more.

Redskyatnight01 · 21/11/2015 21:50

Oh OP- massive hugs Sad

What an absolute wanker!!! Thank god you found out now and well done for trusting your gut, it's hardly ever wrong!!

FWIW- I'd have done the same re the FB stalking and so would a lot of people I know! If he's only going to give you minimal information that you know doesn't stack up/ is questionable then of course you're going to do a bit of detective work!

Big hugs! X

MagicFinger · 21/11/2015 22:07

Maybe he has a bit of a soft spot for her? What's their history?

MagicFinger · 21/11/2015 22:08

Sorry just read while thread Blush

imjustahead · 21/11/2015 22:17

i don't think the woman is overinvested in a relationship that has been exclusive for 6 weeks, not at all.

It's a shitty thing to do, more shitty if you don't tell that person.

op, he's been down right snidey and disrespectful. move the hell on from him asap. x