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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid or do you reckon I'm right?

301 replies

donnattella · 19/11/2015 18:04

I'm not sure if my imagination is running away with me here.

Relatively new man, we've been seeing each other about 6 weeks and a we're exclusive but it's early days.

A had a nagging annoyance throughout in that he seems to be online on whatsapp quite often and very late at night. We're late twenties, but even I don't get 1am or 2am texts from friends on a daily basis so it made me a bit Hmm wondring who the heck he is talking to all the time.

He's not weird about his phone, and he doesn't use it at all when he's with me, and have noticed he aslo doesn't really get late night texts when he's with me either. I did notice a text from one girl a couple of weeks ago, and it was just friend stuff but it came at midnight. He'd just left the phone on the table and it flashed up. Nothing funny on the text, no kisses, just a contuinance of a conversation.

I was a bit Hmm so I checked on that girl and found she lives overseas in a place he used to live, and maybe the time diferrence might be why all the late night texting. He does hve a lot of female friends. She's not especially pretty, but he "likes" a lot of her photos. More than he does mine actually.

Anyway, he booked a holiday to go over to see friends. Says he has a lot from when he used to live there and obviously this girl lives there too. I didn't ask where he was going or who he was staying with - we're not at that stage yet and would not know who the people were anyway- but we made a date for the day after he gets home.

Not heard from him much, and I have noticed a couple of things that would indicate he's with this girl. Same photos being posted from both of them, that sort of thing. Also noticed he's never online texting since he's been away.

Am I being totally paranoid? Is he likely shagging this girl or is there a good chance they are just good friends? I've no reason to find him not trustworthy but it's nagging at me.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 10:52

I think posting a profile picture after a few days with a new man at dinner is a bit desparate.

But to be fair to her, it may have been going on a lot longer. In fact it must have been if she invited him to stay.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 10:55

Yes of course I am going to waIt and see if she answers that question. I admire thoroughly the self restraint of anyone who would.

And no, I am not avoiding blocking him because I am afraid to burn bridges. I am not going to block him because that will give him the satisfaction of realising how much he hurt me, and he's not having that.

I'm not upset at posters saying I have over invested, I am upset at them calling me horrible, saying he's not a bad guy and suggesting it's in some way my fault which plenty have.

I migth well be over invested, not sure what that even means. We like someone as much as we like them. We base how we feel on time spent together and I have, as I said, been less invested in longer relationships but for me timescale isn't what determines my emotional investment in a person.

the idea that you can know someone for a few months, get to know them, start dating and spend 3 or 4 nights a week together, having sex, kissing, chatting about life and your feelings and opening up who you are to them and not feel like it hurts when they do something like this is one that completely eludes me.

It's like saying "don't care about anyone because things like this happen". If I believed that I think my guard would be up so high I'd not be able to let anyone in at all.

It's hard enough for me to have that vulnerability, and without the vulnerability you're not going to feel anything for anyone because they will never even know you.

OP posts:
iminshock · 22/11/2015 10:58

Donatella you sound like a fab person.
and of course it's relevant that she's not attractive , ridiculous to pretend otherwise.

as for those criticising you for being " over invested " six weeks in, well, bollocks to that !

and update on the " is that your boyfriend ." ?

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 10:58

Don't tink the woman my boyfriend cheated on me is pretty, which makes me shallow

No, it's shallow to be shocked he'd pick someone less pretty than you.

I don't think he's behaved well at all, but he's not a bad person. He hasn't told you over Facebook, you've found out by looking at her Facebook. For all we know he may be planning to tell you face to face and dreading the conversation. Personally I wouldn't give him the time of day.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 11:04

No, it's shallow to be shocked he'd pick someone less pretty than you.

Sorry, rubbish.

If you have a husband and he was repeatedly tagged on Facebook cuddled up to someone who was 25, gorgeous and looked like a good time girl you would be a lot less threatended than if it was a Mumsy woman, a good 10 years older than him with a pretty unnattracive face.

That's reality, not shallowness.

I did not say I was shocked he was shagging someone less pretty than me, I said when I saw her texting I wsn;t too worried as she was not terribly attractive.

She didn't seem like his type at all.

Not shallow, just investigating and evaluating.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 11:07

And by the way, my friends have been a lot less polite than I have. They looked and said "she's old and fugly, he's never shagging that".

Sorry, but it IS relevant. How she looks is relevant. If it wasn't the FHM calander of the world's sexiest women would have the Queen on it. Sorry, I am not shallow, I don't go for looks...in actual fact this man is nothing to look at at all. I went for him because he was sweet and said he was honest and kind.

It's definitely not been going on for longer than a week. By text maybe. As I said, the first interaction was 6 weeks ago and neither one had been in the same country for four years.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 11:08

But women who aren't pretty can be funny, fascinating, kind and vivacious and all sorts of attractive Confused

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 11:10

They looked and said "she's old and fugly, he's never shagging that".

Because they're shallow and presume old, ugly women don't have sex lives for no other reason than they are superficially unattractive.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 11:11

Of course they can! But how can you honestly sit there and say that looks don't matter if your boyfriend is staying with a female friend for a week? Of course they do!!!

Physical attraction is a huge part of sex. If someone is funny, fascinating and interesting if you don't find them phsyically attractive you generally don't want to shag them.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 11:14

I am in the wrong because I found out by looking at her facebook?Confused

For fucks sake RedMapleLeaf.

What utter tripe.

Isn't that the cheating man's script? "Well you shouldn't have been looking".

And anyway, she tagged him, so regardless of if I'd snopped or not, I would have found out via Facebook.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 11:16

And my friends are not shallow.

Absolutely none of them would behave like this "thundercunt" because they are decent human beings who know how to treat people.

OP posts:
Whythehellnot · 22/11/2015 11:16

I understand that you're hurting but why would you torture yourself looking at all her Facebook photos and comments? I was messed around big time by a guy and I deliberately didn't look at his
Facebook because I would have been hurt and why would I put myself through that?

You know it's over (I assume) so why would you spend your day checking and obsessing?

rubymallorywhite · 22/11/2015 11:19

She's maybe a really nice lady.....

Looks fade, personalities don't.

Not my cup of tea but some people probably find old Queenie red hot, certainly back in her day.

Natalieday1 · 22/11/2015 11:20

For god sake! Why can't u all give it a rest!! Op I don't know why u r bothering to explain urself to these people, u owe them no explanation u did and have done what most people I know would do, when u like someone of course u r going to be hurting when they cheat..
Also don't think u r in the slightest bit shallow anyone who doesn't admit to having an opinion on the "competitions" attractiveness is lying..
Maybe them lot should all go crawl back under their rock Grin

NoArmaniNoPunani · 22/11/2015 11:21

IME men who feel the need to tell you how honest they are are usually the biggest liars around.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 11:24

I won't long term WhyTheHellNot but I would obviously like an answer to the question "Is this your boyfriend?". Damn right I want to see that answer. I will stop looking, of course I will, but when someone is lying to you you sometimes need answers via other means.

I didn't say she wasn't a nice lady. Just said she didn't look like his type, hence didn't think anything untowards was going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 11:26

Thanks Natalie. Maybe it gives me a direction for how angry and hurt I feel to argue back with someone instead of slapping the shit out of him.

OP posts:
Natalieday1 · 22/11/2015 11:27

I would still slap the shit out of him too haha, he deserves it! Grin

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 11:27

Agree noarmani

"I am just an honest guy"

Raging red flag

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 11:30

I just won't ever see him again Natalie.

I think what I will do is to say and do nothing, then when he does text when he gets back, if he does, to just write back and say I didn't feel it was going to work out; then quietly unfriend in a couple of days instead of making drama.

OP posts:
Natalieday1 · 22/11/2015 11:32

Well that's very dignified and sounds like a good idea, least then he won't see the hurt he has made u feel
I'm not quite as self controlled as u I'd probably go at him like a psycho and slap the shit out of him haha!
But ur way definately is the way to do it Grin

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 22/11/2015 11:55

You have to leave him for one of two reasons or maybe both...

1: he has really good female friends and you are not happy with this (you can't deny that fact, this post is proof)
2: he may be sleeping with her and you aren't happy with that.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 12:03

But how can you honestly sit there and say that looks don't matter if your boyfriend is staying with a female friend for a week?

I can honestly say looks wouldn't come in to it.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/11/2015 12:21

It's naive to assume that a man won't dip his wick in a women you deem "less attractive" than you. Men that will cheat will fuck any woman that shows them attention - it's the adoration they get off on.

That issue to one side, your gut instinct was correct and I'm sorry to see that, having RTFT. He's an ass and you're better off without him.

MiniTheMinx · 22/11/2015 12:23

I wouldn't even give him the respect of saying "I'm sorry it won't work"

I would do to him what he has done to you. Ignore texts, eventually slow to answer. If it's WhatsApp I would leave myself signed in and leave his messages unread. When I did reply I would be sweetness and light but be oh so busy. I would string him along and let him stew. I could keep that up for weeks whilst quietly going about my life.