Am I being paranoid or do you reckon I'm right?

[donnattella]

I'm not sure if my imagination is running away with me here.

Relatively new man, we've been seeing each other about 6 weeks and a we're exclusive but it's early days.

A had a nagging annoyance throughout in that he seems to be online on whatsapp quite often and very late at night. We're late twenties, but even I don't get 1am or 2am texts from friends on a daily basis so it made me a bit wondring who the heck he is talking to all the time.

He's not weird about his phone, and he doesn't use it at all when he's with me, and have noticed he aslo doesn't really get late night texts when he's with me either. I did notice a text from one girl a couple of weeks ago, and it was just friend stuff but it came at midnight. He'd just left the phone on the table and it flashed up. Nothing funny on the text, no kisses, just a contuinance of a conversation.

I was a bit so I checked on that girl and found she lives overseas in a place he used to live, and maybe the time diferrence might be why all the late night texting. He does hve a lot of female friends. She's not especially pretty, but he "likes" a lot of her photos. More than he does mine actually.

Anyway, he booked a holiday to go over to see friends. Says he has a lot from when he used to live there and obviously this girl lives there too. I didn't ask where he was going or who he was staying with - we're not at that stage yet and would not know who the people were anyway- but we made a date for the day after he gets home.

Not heard from him much, and I have noticed a couple of things that would indicate he's with this girl. Same photos being posted from both of them, that sort of thing. Also noticed he's never online texting since he's been away.

Am I being totally paranoid? Is he likely shagging this girl or is there a good chance they are just good friends? I've no reason to find him not trustworthy but it's nagging at me.

Thanks

What's the evidence that he's done anything wrong (within the context of a six week period of dating).

I think all I have proof of is that he went to stay with a female friend and didnt mention she was female. And that he cancelled a date to stay and extra day on holiday and may or may not have lied about that and just chosen to stay and extra day. And that he let me find out he was not on the flight online rather than letting me know.

Suppose none of that is horrific, and only conjecture to assume he's not been faithful or even that he has been texting much with this person.

I have thought prettty carefully though and doesn't matter much to me whether he did or didn't - more than he seemed to enjoy provoking the illusion. Perhaps his own insecurity.

I know he was very upset I was going out with an old boyfriend to something this week (that is purly platonic and I was open and honest about it) so maybe it was a little "tit for tat" game.

Anyway, I think cheating aside, being upfront, open, transparent and honest is really important to me.

I don't like dating someone who appears to be online all hours of the day and night. Smacks to me of someone who's either flaky or chatting to multiple women. Something odd about it.

I don't like dating someone who isn't clear about who he's going on holiday with or what his movements are or who doesn't tell me what's hapenning in enough detail as not to arouse suspicion.

So probably not going to block or discuss, but simply move on to someone who is a bit more transparent and direct about things. Regardless of cheating or not cheating - if I am anxious with trust it won't help me to feel secure and I haven't enjoyed the nagging feelings I have had over various things.

I have also seen over the last six weeks a fair few signs of commitment phobia. Just being a little up and down, a little inconsistent, a little contradictory. Subtle, but enough to make me post on Mumsnet.

Not sure it's meant to be or feel like that, and at minimum he has allowed me to feel confused and hurt - he must know that would have happenned - and it's not something I'd do.

(before the brigade start on me about going to something with an ex; he is a friend; and the thing I am going with him to is something his line of work specifically fit with and he oferred to help as my plus one. I sat boyfriend down and told him about it directly, with every detail and let him ask questions. Also said I would cancel if it upset him. He was clearly upset but I felt we'd sorted it. This was a few days before he went on holiday.)

Just saying I certainly feel NOT like boyfriend has gone to an effort to conceal an affair; but mor like he has gone to an effort to make me jealous. Whether that affair is real or not it certainly LOOKS like he's deliberately allowed things to go on that look dodgy.

Just ask him about the photos, and judge it by his response. Crikey can't believe you've not confronted him!

Hi OP, hope you get this sorted in your own mind. I'm sorry too that this thread became completely derailed and I can totally understand why you posted in the first place. Unfortunately, none of know this man and his relationship history and the only person who might (?) be able to shed light on it is the ex that he was madly in love with, which obviously isn't and option. Do you know why that ended? Maybe he was very heart himself which in turn has made him actively want to be commitment phobic even if he has strong feelings for someone - which obviously does not excuse the appalling way he seems to have behaved.

I do wonder whether he has wanted you to think that he is this sought-after playboy, knowing that you might stalk him and female friend on Facebook (we have all done it) or if he is arrogant/oblivious enough to think that you won't notice OR (and this is still a possibility) that there wasn't anything going on in the first place.

I think it's your head space that's far more important than him, anyway. If you are having doubts about it and these niggling feelings are bugging you to this extent, and you are not confident enough to ask him for reassurance, that does say quite a bit. Maybe to do with your own self esteem, even though you sound intelligent and certainly confident on many levels. It does sound as if the balance of power in your relationship has shifted from being more in your control to being more in his, and this has shifted the rug from under your feet.

Wishing you all the best.

OP - got a bit lost with where the post was going, but in response to your actual first question, I think I would find it wierd if my boyfriend had gone on holiday and was staying with a woman and the only way I found out was through social media. It would raise my suspicions.

Having read your most recent post, I think you are doing exactly the right thing though. I don't think there is any need to confront him about any of this.

You're quite early on the relationship, and have identified quite a few of his behaviours that you don't like or are finding uncomfortable. They are raising red flags for you. TBH, I would be moving on in that situation too.

It doesn't mean he's neccessarily done anything wrong, but it's not behaviour that you have to put up with if you don't like it. You obviously have different approaches where being upfront and clear about, and thinking of how the other person might react things is concerned. If it was me, that would be telling me that maybe we aren't that compatible.

I've been in similar situation in the past where being upfront and clear is concerned. I confronted and he explained and we we agreed to move forward in a more upfront way, but tbh I wish we hadn't as it turned out we had very different values and the issue cropped up again and again.

Scratch it up to experience and move on.

I think others have mentioned up-thread, but 6 weeks does seem quite soon to be talking of boyfriends, exclusivity etc. And while this shouldnt affect how you appraoch being upfront and honest with one another, it could be that it lead to a situation where you were more emotionally invested and looking at things differently than him, and perhaps he wasn't taking things quite so seriously.

But I think it has proved to you that you both are either not expecially compatible where your values etc are concerned, or that you are both expecting different things from this relationship.

OP I think you've been very harshly treated on here.

I think your main "crime" has been to do a little digging BEFORE any posters gave you permission; usually, a woman feeling a vague sense of unease about her partners behaviour would receive hundreds of replies offering ideas on how to catch him out/where to find extra phones etc.

You have denied people the fun of telling you what to do

OMG! I've just caught up on this thread. OP, are you seriously going to meet/ talk to this guy after what he did.
Reading your latest posts. It does appear you are really trying to give him every excuse and trying/failing to justify how he has behaved in the past week.

You were distraught last Saturday night. FFS, don't even listen to his bullshit.
What has made you think differently?
Fool me once, shame on him, fool you twice..........

If he seriously trying that old chestnut with having issues with you and your ex?
He projecting his own actions.......

Also stepping back from the ridiculous bun fight and good on you OP for not letting youself be chased off your own thread.

He persued you in the beginning with a hard sell on how much of a good guy he is, then once you said yes backed off and doesn't volunteer much info regarding what he's up to - these are control games, (or he only gets off on the chase.)

He goes away on his holiday, you find out hes cosy with his hostess including staying an extra night at the expense of your prearranged date (missed flight yeh rite)

Anyway, if you 'confront' him, he will throw two things at you, one, that there is no evidence of physical betrayal and two, that you have been hurt in the past and are over sensitive.

Both are excuses for poor boyfriend behaviour. He's not lived up to his own initial hype has he?

I hope you are not allowing a new man to train you into accepting mediocrity. You sound well adjusted to me, I can't quite deduce from your posts, are you off or on with him?

How odd. I thought you said this girl 'is the same age as us'.

Thansk everyone for the responses

Lobster
He was badly hurt a while back. Says it "affected him" and he says he knows he "has a high guard". The picture I get is that he's got a tendency to fall badly in love /get a little obsessive. Only from wee thing he's said and that he's very mcuh trying to be more controlled this time around. He speaks a lot about not letting his emotions run away with him this time.

He has the potential to be both trying to provoke me as well as arrogant and oblivious. He has showed sings of being immensely oblivious to things at times.

bjrce
Honestly? I think what he's done is put me off him. I think I will never, ever know if she shagged her or not - how could I? But all I know is that he's led me into a position where it looked dodgy and it's not the first time I have felt deliberate provoking that has led to me feeling crazy when I possibly wasn't. I don't feel trust, and have no desire to see him or talk it out.

What has made me think that maybe he didn't shag her is that a few people in real life looked at the content and they said they didn't look like a couple in the photo, that it looked like mates. I am still just as angry anyway though.

Cake
Yes, he was more open, easy to read, simple before we were dating. After we were he has on numerous occassions actually done things that create and impression of something odd. Minor things. Very minor, but ones that have subtly shifted "control" as you say over to him. I very much agree with your post - as I pore over our texts and messages - that he went from giving me detailed breakdowns of his day and where he was and what he was doing to being deliberately difficult. When called on this he has responded with a flirty "a bit of mystery is a good thing isn't it?".

Coralie
I said she was the same as as us to a poster who felt I was writing about a paedofile. I should have said "she is an adult". I honestly do not know her age...but by the appearance of her and the ages of her children as well as the style of her posts and things she does etc. that she is between 35 and 40. Guesswork though. She might well have started having kids at 16 and look a bit older or something.

So in short, I feel, looking back on all of this that my paranoia is something he kind of enjoys in a way. Like feeding it is proof that I like him? the way he speaks and communicates is often designed to keep me guessing and it's not a nice way to feel. He could simply have either been more honest or hidden the whole thing from me. He seems to be parading it in my face and I think confronting him would be playing directly into his game.

He has said as pp suggested "you are just sensitive becaus of your past" or "you worry too much" or "you push everyone away" and it's turning it back onto me and making me feel like I am paranoid and then I apologise for being silly.

I will say that we've not been dating long and haven't gone public and a few men post things on my facebook or profile photos which might bother him. There was a long exchange last week between a man I know and a female friend where he was saying that I should go out with him and they were laughing about how I didn't know what was good for me and the fmale friend told him to be persistent. Silly conversation, but I only participated to close off the conversation and didn't in any way egg the guy on.

Maybe he has insecurity and wants to make himself appear a playboy and desired. Maybe he is genuinely shagging her and is just absolutely AWFUL at subterfuge. Maybe he is very insensitive to the feelings of others. Maybe he is commitment phobic and wants to push me away by doing things to spakr fights.

Are any of those explanations good?

I want someone who wants to make me feel good...not bad!

Again donatella I have to say you have a switched on radar for shit behaviour. Please nurture that.

This man is showing his crappy colours but only enough that he has space to act innocent and flip it onto you.

The relationship was good for you in the very beginning, but the beginning is gone. It has slid from there right?

Or is it still good now? Do you feel comfortable and happy?

If not... What does your (reliable) gut tell you to do?

Thanks cake

Honest gut tells me he probably wasn't planning to go over and shag this person, don't think he's really nasty or anything, but that maybe he did. Gut tells me though that he was aware she was interested in him and was enjoying he ego boost. Gut tells me that he deliberately plays these games with me, not to hurt me, but to make himself feel desirable and like he's being chased. Gut tells me that he doesn't deeply care about how I feel because he has issues up to the eyeballs. Gut tells me to move on to someone more capable of an pen and honest connection and leave him to his journey of self discovery.

I have had colds that have lasted longer than your relationship.

I just guess that it isn't working for you for whatever reason. You don't need to go into depth.

Good luck!

So sorry this one was disappointing.

The silver lining is that every time you reject poor treatment, you go on to exude a confidence that indicates how you ought to be treated, it will put off a few more tools.

Let us know how the dumping goes

I have had colds that have lasted longer than your relationship Must have a very low immune system? Is this comment made to make the OP feel that the relationship meant nothing, and cheating was ok (if he did)?

They dated 6 weeks, had over 20 dates, he asked her to be exclusive, they were sleeping together.....I would NOT expect to be cheated on at that point. If DH told me now, that he'd shagged someone 6 weeks into our relationship, I would be livid, because that says a whole lot about someones personality/respect/tendancy to cheat. And we were exclusive. And it was all hearts and flowers. I'd most likely punch him in the face!

Thanks guys. I will have a think of how to do the dumping. Minimal fuss

Update. I unravelled a lot of the truth and it's pretty shit.

So when we met he told me he'd just had a one night stand with some woman he'd met in a bar.

Turns out, it was her.

Total co-incidence she is in the country / city he used to live in. Maybe why they got talking in the first place.

So when he said he was going to go on holiday to see old friends he'd not seen in years, he was going to see her all along and just her. Nothing serious going on between them. He was just sowing his wild oats and expecting to come back to me pretending nothing happenned.

I pieced all this together forensically, then I decided to forget Audrey Hepburn and sent him a message telling him I'd figured it all out, that he wasn't as smart as he thought he was and calling him a dispicable thundercunt.

He had no idea I even knew anything dodgy was going on, so hopefully just for a split second I wiped the smile off his face.

Are you saying you figured all this out without speaking to him, then sent him a message??

Not sure why you bothered either A. Figuring it out or B. Messaging him

Waste of time. Still, if you feel better and can now let it go...

OP have you name-changed? Your posting style is very familiar.

Not sure how you managed to find out all that but at least you know and he knows you know. Hope you can finally have some closure.

Ah- how upsetting though. I hope you have a nice weekend planned, and access to your phone is limited.

I'm sure she is feeling the same as you though, or will be very soon. you've no idea what shit this man has spun her. The same kind of shit he's spun you I expect, only LDR centred.

It's awful that he future faked with you- but now you know what you wear on your sleeve. With the next man, be very careful not to be swept away by wild promises.

Did he message back op?

How did you figure all this out for certain? So sorry, he's behaved horribly