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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bollocks. Pressing 'send'.

183 replies

Imbroglio · 16/11/2015 22:53

Wrote a number of therapeutic emails tonight. Deleted them. Thankfully.

Then after a bottle of wine wrote one last nasty one liner and hit 'send'. Bollocks.

It was deserved [I think]. Cat now among the pigeons. But Bollocks Anyway.

It was to my SiL. She has had loads off my mum, including holidays, money for the house, money for the children. All fair and above board, no more than waa given to me..... plus her engagement ring. My mum's engagement ring from my dad. Fair enough, thinks I, at the time.

For context, my brother got my dad's signet ring when he died, gifted by my mum, not left in the will. Again, Fair Enough.

My SiL is an only child so will get 100% from her mum when the time comes [irrelevant I know...].

My brother (my only sibling. Her husband) told me a while ago while we were sorting out my mum's house that his wife wanted to 'pick through' my mums jewellery. This was while my mum was losing her battle with dementia and didn't know which way was up. My mum is still alive. My brother has taken possession of the jewellery box.

I have never been given any valuable jewellery or any other special tokens from my mum or my dad and its too late now. I will never experience the 'this is for you..' moment.

For info, my mum is now in a care home near both our houses, my SiL rarely visits, and I've been given a lot of shit about my mum from her.

My email asked my SiL if it was true she had asked to 'pick through' my mums stuff.

I'm a bitch.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 16/11/2015 23:05

No you're not.

Diggum · 16/11/2015 23:07

I concur. You are not a bitch.

Original poster
Imbroglio · 16/11/2015 23:07

Thank you.

OP posts:
Diggum · 16/11/2015 23:08

Also Flowers for you and your mum. This all sounds really shite.

spanisharmada · 16/11/2015 23:08

No, you're not. But from the sounds of it she is!

CakeMountain · 16/11/2015 23:09

No you're not! Good God - she sounds awful.

ILoveNiceGunas · 16/11/2015 23:11

no, the normal thing would be for your mums jewellery to be offered to you first, but your mum is still with you!?

Original poster
Imbroglio · 16/11/2015 23:12

I know my problem is really with my brother. He told me she wanted first dibs but as far as I know she may not have said anything of the sort, I only have his word for it. He's been incredibly grabby since my mum got ill.

I think I'm a bitch because I'm telling on him.

Or, she really does want first dibs. Which is crass for anyone to be thinking of, including me. My mum is still alive!

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 16/11/2015 23:15

No way are you a bitch, honey, but the same can't be said for your SIL and there's another word that fits your db to a T.

It's a great shame that you didn't take possession of your dm's jewellery box but, never fear, wearing any of the treasured items won't bring good luck to your SIL but your dm's blessings will always surround you and grace your life.

Original poster
Imbroglio · 16/11/2015 23:31

Yes you are right. I've always felt ambivalent about jewellery. Connects in my mind with slavery, environmental damage, greed. But for my mother her box of jewellery was a box of gifts from lovers, family, husbands. It's private. Not just stuff.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 16/11/2015 23:42

Well your parents clearly favoured your brother over you. They gave him not one but two meaningful pieces of jewellery, but gave you nothing. I suspect you are the dutiful daughter who gives a lot and gets very little, while he is the spoiled golden child who can do no wrong. It's not surprising that he and his wife, the grabby pair, are now stealing your mother's jewellery before she even dies. Try and let it go and comfort yourself with the hope that karma will bite them in the arse one day. Although I suspect your real beef is not with them, but with your parents for their blatant favouritism.

Original poster
Imbroglio · 17/11/2015 00:04

I've put her on the spot, though. Not really her fault if my brother was the golden child. And I don't even really want the stuff. - There is one thing I feel an attachment to. It's of little value but has meaning for me. I don't want to have to ask for it.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 17/11/2015 00:07

Have it out with your brother then. He's the one who took the jewellery box and gave it to his wife for her to raid.

I think the best way to salvage the situation is to recall the email or if you can't do that, apologise to her and say you sent it in a rash moment that you regret. I think that would improve your chances of a sensible conversation about the piece of jewellery you want. You may not want to ask for it but you're going to have to tell your brother calmly and firmly that it means a lot to you and you want it.

ijustwannadance · 17/11/2015 00:23

If there is something you want that is sentimental to you, don't ask for it, TELL them you are having it. Although if not valuable they probably won't want it. She is not immediate family and should not have first dibs on anything. Sounds like your DB and SIL are a pair of grabby bastards.

Also, your mum is still alive. That jewellery hasn't been gifted and is a part of your mum's estate that I presume would be split between you and bro? He had no right to take it. Any valuable (and clearly not sentimental to SIL) jewellery should then be sold or split evenly.

Solo · 17/11/2015 00:36

It's funny how the sons are always the blue eyed boys isn't it! I bought my parents matching rings for their ruby wedding anniversary, paid for the meal for 8, ordered and paid for a '40' cake...I knew they didn't have much money, so just asked that they 'give a little' to make it from us not just me. Not a penny! Then when Dad died, Mum wanted to give Dads ring to my brothers fiancée. I said no. I want my Ds to have it. Mum's now agreed to that.

So...you need/needed to air this OP. It's a thing that will eat you up if you keep quiet. Maybe SIL should know what her Dh is doing anyway? It makes my blood boil when this kind of thing happens!

Italiangreyhound · 17/11/2015 00:42

You are not and this is appalling behaviour from your brother and sister in law.

Re I think I'm a bitch because I'm telling on him. No, you are not a bitch for telling on him either, he is in the wrong.

My mum has dementia and we have had to take things away from her, like photos - in case she tears them up. She is also desperate to give money away to the care staff, fortunately, the home have a policy that people cannot give gifts to staff.

Agree with ijustwannadance - If there is something you want that is sentimental to you, don't ask for it, TELL them you are having it. Although if not valuable they probably won't want it. She is not immediate family and should not have first dibs on anything.... and

Also, your mum is still alive. That jewellery hasn't been gifted and is a part of your mum's estate that I presume would be split between you and bro? He had no right to take it. Any valuable (and clearly not sentimental to SIL) jewellery should then be sold or split evenly.

MultishirkingAgain · 17/11/2015 13:28

YANBU at all to feel as you do.

Perhaps sending an aggressive email to your SiL is not the most productive way to deal with the situation, but on the other hand, your DB's comment, and your SiL's intention are utterly foul.

A lawyer friend of mine who did a lot of family probate solicitoring - wills etc - told me it is generally in the in-laws who behave badly in these matters. THey don't have the same insight & knowledge into the family dynamics; they often just see the cash, property, or valuables.

I'm preparing myself a little bit for this to happen with my one SiL on my mother's death (which I sincerely hope won't be for a while yet, of course!) But I'm one of 3 daughters, so I think we'll manage it between us, and maybe reserve some little things for my mother's 3 grandaughters (including my bother's DD).

You're not grabby. It comes up on here time & again: that things and money in families are symbolic of love & attention & regard. The difference between you & your greedy SiL is that you value things as treasures of your mother's life; she's just seeing them as random valuables.

nauticant · 17/11/2015 14:27

If your DM did not make a statement when she had her faculties that that ring was to go to your SIL, or your DB doesn't have a legal document authorising him to dispose of your DM's possessions as he sees fit, then this looks an awful lot like theft to me.

donajimena · 17/11/2015 16:23

I think its theft too.

Jibberjabberjooo · 17/11/2015 16:52

Your db has no right to just take your dm's jewellery. Regardless of what your feelings on jewellery are, it's theft. It's not his to decide what happens to it.

mix56 · 17/11/2015 17:15

I have a bit of this same scenario, & its not even over jewellery, its over the family silver ! & an old porcelaine cup & saucer !!! EX sis in law has got them !
I suggest you go round to your brother's house & tell him you want to discuss why he feels it is all for him ? if nothing else, he could ask for it to be valued & give you half... tell him that there were some items that have sentimental value to you, (that would certainly not be the case for his wife..)

Be ready for the fall out...

nauticant · 17/11/2015 19:17

he could ask for it to be valued & give you half

If it belongs to the DM no one should be taking this stuff. The OP really wouldn't want to find herself in the position of stealing from a vulnerable relative.

Original poster
Imbroglio · 17/11/2015 19:54

I was expecting to get properly flamed!

As you can imagine, there has been quite a bit of backstory to this and I found out something yesterday which really tipped me over the edge. Hence the wine and the emailing.

She replied very cattily but inconclusively, and copied in her husband.

I have apologised for writing my message in anger but have suggested that now everyone knows there is a problem there is an opportunity to put things right, if she and her husband choose to take it.

She sounds really miserable and sad.

And now I sound smug, which I'm not. I just can't see this ending well and there is so much else, more important, to sort out.

(What I don't get is that she doesn't even like my mum Hmm. I can forgive her that because my mum isn't easy, but then why cause a ruck over her stuff?).

OP posts:
Original poster
Imbroglio · 17/11/2015 19:59

And yes, absolutely - its not for selling or divvying up at the moment!

I think my mum would really enjoy looking at her old bits and pieces if I could bring them to her. I keep her favourite earrings in my bag so that she can look at them every now and again.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 17/11/2015 22:40

You should take them to show your mum. Deeply sentimental things like that will have strong memories attached which she may still be able to access and remember for a while.