Bollocks. Pressing 'send'.

[Imbroglio]

Wrote a number of therapeutic emails tonight. Deleted them. Thankfully.

Then after a bottle of wine wrote one last nasty one liner and hit 'send'. Bollocks.

It was deserved [I think]. Cat now among the pigeons. But Bollocks Anyway.

It was to my SiL. She has had loads off my mum, including holidays, money for the house, money for the children. All fair and above board, no more than waa given to me..... plus her engagement ring. My mum's engagement ring from my dad. Fair enough, thinks I, at the time.

For context, my brother got my dad's signet ring when he died, gifted by my mum, not left in the will. Again, Fair Enough.

My SiL is an only child so will get 100% from her mum when the time comes [irrelevant I know...].

My brother (my only sibling. Her husband) told me a while ago while we were sorting out my mum's house that his wife wanted to 'pick through' my mums jewellery. This was while my mum was losing her battle with dementia and didn't know which way was up. My mum is still alive. My brother has taken possession of the jewellery box.

I have never been given any valuable jewellery or any other special tokens from my mum or my dad and its too late now. I will never experience the 'this is for you..' moment.

For info, my mum is now in a care home near both our houses, my SiL rarely visits, and I've been given a lot of shit about my mum from her.

My email asked my SiL if it was true she had asked to 'pick through' my mums stuff.

I'm a bitch.

sounds like he is in some kind of weird sect.

is he older than you btw?

I think he's enjoying the drama.

I did talk about this in a session on my own but the therapist wanted me to read his response as a genuine wish to have a relationship with me, along with other abusive behaviour. I'm terminating the counselling because it's not helping me.
me.

Yes he's older than me.

I've said 'I note that you are avoiding responding to my request'.

I'd write that I was concerned that it appeared that the belongings of a vulnerable person were being taken away without her consent and that since I had some responsibility for her care and well-being I wanted to have access to those belongings so they could be catalogued, including photos being taken. I would state that my concern would be that if in the future the belongings could not be traced, I would want to make sure I could explain to the insurance company (if relevant) and the police that I had taken proper care.

I'd be tempted to put this in writing and hand a copy both to the DB (D = dishonest) and the counsellor at the next session for a productive discussion.

Is your DM's estate likely to be over the inheritance tax threshold of £325k? If so, HMRC might also be very interested to hear about valuable items mysteriously vanishing before she passes.... Might be worth mentioning that too.

Poor you Imbroglio. I would not waste another second of your time engaging in counselling with this abusive twat.

Your message was very clear and his response can only be interpreted as a deliberate attempt to dismiss your requested.

I think sadly that you need to stop playing his game.

He won't response constructively to a very simple and reasonable request and I think you need to see this for the large red flag it is in regard to how events will unfold in the longer term.

Personally I think you need to see a lawyer now and get a letter written and on record that his action to remove these items from your mother was done unilaterally and without her or your consent.

In this instance you should formally request that all items are catalogued, photographed and placed in a secure place that is mutually agreeable e.g a bank.

OMFG - he is one massive knobhead!
Stop with the requests and send him Frances reply.
His response will be all you need to know and you can then take further action.

I too would see a lawyer. It's shit but given his deliberate bullshit response there is no point trying to communicate with that. I would however calmly respond to every email with 'This is not about feelings. My
Mother has a jewellery box with a number of variously sentimental and valuable pieces of jewellery. Our mother is still alive, thank goodness. Her jewellery is hers should be held with the solicitor for documenting and storage, and taken to visit her as she would like to see it. I know this because I regularly show her a favourite pair if earrings when I visit and she likes to see them and talk about them. I can't do this with the rest of her jewellery because you have taken it. You need to return it either to me or the solicitor. You need to do this this month as this has gone on long enough. The only thing you need to respond with is how and when you are going to do this, and by the act of returning her jewellery. You are very welcome to come with me to visit mum and show her her jewellery.' And, I would send regular follow ups , by regular every two days. Dear X , I have had no response to my email of date X , or my other follow up requests of Tuesday the 20th, Thursday the 22nd , and Saturday the 24th. I know you are reading your email because you have sent confusing messages talking about your feelings. We can talk about your feelings after you have returned mothers jewellery. '. And I would quite enjoy sending all of these, to create a very clear trail for the lawyer.

^ Totally disagree with this. There is no point. I think you should send one final email and then stop emailing him. The final email should say that if he doesn't return the jewellery by x date you will report to the police and/or get legal advice.

He is not reasonable and can't be reasoned with, so you have to stop trying. Just protect yourself and your mother as best you can.

Reply with 'GIVE ME OUR MOTHERS JEWELLERY BOX so i may return it to her! She is still alive incase you had forgotton and would very much like her property back to do with as SHE sees fit.

DONOT think that these childish (and quite frankly embarrassing) replies will stop me asking for her items to be returned, however this will be the last request that you will have from me. The next will be a legal request.

So love and happiness to you aswell dear brother. Im sure being an intelligent man you will understand this letter, if not im sure the police will be able to help you while they explain to you what theft is.'

The problem with simply demanding the jewellery in order to keep it safe is that the DB can respond that it would be equally safe in his possession.

Also, there's no point saying it would be returned to the DM if her dementia prevents her from safely keeping hold of it.

There needs to be a nominated holder (which could be the OP or the DB) who should confirm through some suitable catalogue including photos what they are taking possession of. This means that at a later point there can be a check to make sure the holder has returned it all, for example to the estate.

I think his wife has probably had what she wanted and he's sold/got rid of the rest.

They dont really seem the type of people to hold on something for sentimental value or because someone is still alive. And it would explain why he's not directly answering the op's question.

"the therapist wanted me to read his response as a genuine wish to have a relationship with me"..... the therapist is a jerk.
find another, or just cross B off as a bastard, lets face it, he isn't going to change, he is deliberately trying to subjugate you. God only knows why.
Sorry, but has he ever been anything other than a manipulative tosser?

& sadly I agree with sunny above.

He's using therapy to manipulate you. I wouldn't bother engaging with him. Make sure the rest of your mother's estate is protected from him otherwise he will stiff you. Sorry you are having to deal with all this it must be very draining. Please look after yourself.

Thank you - sorry I've not replied - been out all day!

I feel really cut up about the session with the therapist. I told her about some of his abusive and bullying behaviour towards me, his mother and others but the therapist wasn't interested and I was told I was projecting my own issues. I'm sure that this is true to a degree and I am very aware of this (have had counselling on this very topic - golden child/scapegoat etc) so I have tried everything I can think of to find a middle way, including facilitating the therapy, which can move things forward.

I don't want to involve lawyers. They will smell blood. I look after all the money already, pay the bills etc so that is safe. It's just the 'things'.

As for documenting the 'valuables', it's shutting the stable door really as anything could be taken by now and I wouldn't have any way of knowing. There are a couple of things that I care about (low value, but priceless to me, and potentially valuable to my children because of the story attached) but my mother didn't give them to me. I can ask for them when the time comes (and see how far I get).

Presumably there is stuff that is valuable to him too.

Would he know whether or not you have an inventory as you could mention in passing that you made one before your dm went into hospital
You poor thing having to deal with a hard un empathetic man about sentimental things
Are you able to involve any other member or family or friends to be an intermediary?
hope you get the jewellery back

Irony alert I asked my brother to do theinventory when we sold the house. Gesture of trust etc...

What about asking for the specify pieces you want.
See if he will just hand them over in GOOD WILL, if not, mention its not a question of MONEY, its to do with childhood memories & memorabilia.
& there is NO reason he should get all the valuable, looks like he already has most of them
Then tell him to GTTFSOFAFH

my lovely mum died in July, she had mild dementia and sold most of her jewellry. I was upset when she died to see how much she had got rid of. I had her wedding / engagement rings and charm bracelet as her only daughter and sil 1 agreed that is how it should be, daughter gets the main jewellry. Mum did ask that grandaughters get something too, one got the necklace mum wanted her to have, the other younger two... well there was not much of any value left so i put aside mums necklaces that were not really valuable but were mum's and her watches and left them for SIL to give to Dn's ... she left them in the house and never even acknowledged them despite me saying where they were and sorry they were not much... I feel she has really snubbed my mum and am cross at her tbh. dunno what she thought they would get as mum was not well off and there was very little left. we are going up to bury ashes at the weekend and I am not sure whether to address it or ignore it with her?

Step you could gently ask her if she wants these items. They have value for you but perhaps not fer her?

Step, maybe she just thought you should have them all ? or looked thru & didn't like/want anything? or forgot them ?
I wouldn't go looking for a "snub" that may not be real.
You are already in a sad place after your Mum's decease, so just try & be loving & positive. If she doesn't want them, she doesn't want them, It wasn't her mother.

Hmm yes maybe, I think she just did not like them or was expecting something more valuable.