Bollocks. Pressing 'send'.

[Imbroglio]

Wrote a number of therapeutic emails tonight. Deleted them. Thankfully.

Then after a bottle of wine wrote one last nasty one liner and hit 'send'. Bollocks.

It was deserved [I think]. Cat now among the pigeons. But Bollocks Anyway.

It was to my SiL. She has had loads off my mum, including holidays, money for the house, money for the children. All fair and above board, no more than waa given to me..... plus her engagement ring. My mum's engagement ring from my dad. Fair enough, thinks I, at the time.

For context, my brother got my dad's signet ring when he died, gifted by my mum, not left in the will. Again, Fair Enough.

My SiL is an only child so will get 100% from her mum when the time comes [irrelevant I know...].

My brother (my only sibling. Her husband) told me a while ago while we were sorting out my mum's house that his wife wanted to 'pick through' my mums jewellery. This was while my mum was losing her battle with dementia and didn't know which way was up. My mum is still alive. My brother has taken possession of the jewellery box.

I have never been given any valuable jewellery or any other special tokens from my mum or my dad and its too late now. I will never experience the 'this is for you..' moment.

For info, my mum is now in a care home near both our houses, my SiL rarely visits, and I've been given a lot of shit about my mum from her.

My email asked my SiL if it was true she had asked to 'pick through' my mums stuff.

I'm a bitch.

well yes, but we do sit & talk about where things came from, she will tell me snippets of her youth that I had never heard. She was a really hard nut, & would never share family history, it was almost like it was "hers". As she gets increasingly "lost", she is opening up. sadly a lot too late.
Yes, re accepting something. I don't then want to be in a position where she says to "take a ring", & my brothers later saying she wasn't lucid & I was filching & taking advantage.

Mix - all depends whether your DM still has mental capacity to control her own affairs or not. May still have capacity if dementia is still mild. Can only be determined by an assessment by medic, usually GP.

If she does not have capacity you would be on really dodgy ground taking any pieces now even if your DM has said in the past she wants you to have them. Can then only be passed on according to will after she has passed away as she can't give proper consent while she is alive.

The OPs DB is clearly misusing his POA powers

Thanks for all your responses and support.

I'm processing everything that happened yesterday and feeling relieved that the line has been drawn and that someone was there to acknowledge/validate/witness my decision to withdraw from the relationship. I could never have achieved this without the counsellor, so although I have generally felt that the counselling was a mistake, I think after all it was probably worth it. I feel sure this is the right decision. And we now have a set of rules to go by.

The new status quo was tested almost straight away when I got news of the death of a family friend. I realised that the widow might not call him as well, so I texted him to check that he had heard the news and gave him the the details. Sadly I can't go to the funeral because of work. It turned out to be the right thing to do because he didn't know about it, and he is planning to go.

ongoldenpond. my brother has had POA since the death of my DDad. Mother is not capable of making any of her own decisions. We know the will is split equally between the 3 of us (less an advance one brother had)
My brothers & I are very close & we are not not grabbing anything of any value. I have said there is very little that I want in her massive house.
2 things have already gone (exSIL) & the only piece of jewellery that I wanted was stolen by one of many visitors.
We have put some stuff away to prevent from further thieving. The "costume" jewellery is still at the house.
I have also made it clear that I would rather have nothing, than fight over any belongings & risk any bad feeling with my brothers. If they have their heart set on anything & it makes them happy. that's fine.

I think a lot of the tribulation in my family would have been avoided if people (my mother but others as well) had made their wishes known at an early stage. Being given something special engenders a feeling of belonging, and security. It doesn't have to be anything of value. It could be a letter.

I'm inclined to agree with you, mix, that I would rather have nothing, than fight over any belongings & risk any bad feeling. I've learned a lot, though, over the last few days, about where other people are 'at'.

but Imbroglio, for me, it's because I love them & they love me. I certainly would not be so magnanimous if they behaved like your B.

Bad feeling can be about how other people perceive what's happening. A nasty spat about 'valuables' reflects badly on everyone ime, regardless of the facts. 99% of the people who have an opinion on this won't have an inkling of the story behind it.

Yes I agree, all the background history is missing.
Inheritance is difficult, due to the financial/sentimental value involved, one's current finances, whether things are/have been equal between siblings, whether there in entente between siblings, closeness with the parent, grabbing spouses, Step children, estranged children, family swooping in from another country to grab as much as possible when they have been absent throughout the long final decline.....

AIUI from one who works as a professional, capacity in the system as it were, is assessed decision by decision. It's possible to still have the capacity to decide who should manage affairs, while not having the capacity to run them yourself. I'm talking here about professionals working under the Mental Capacity Act, so how it applies in your case I wouldn't know, but it seems clear it's not that one day you have capacity, the next you don't.

A few people put pressure on my mum while she was in that ambiguous phase. It was awful. And very difficult to be wholly guiltless of it.

Last week I asked other family if they knew where the jewellery was and although initially were keen to help I've had a resounding silence since. Awkward.

I'm not going to involve police or lawyers but I do feel massively let down by my folks. All of them. Including my mum! She knew my brother and I don't get on (and never did!) and I wish she had thought some of this through when she was able to.

No good crying over it though.

Well, finally had a response. 'Other family' - ie the people who my mother was living with before she went into care, have written a carefully worded email saying they have no idea where the jewellery is.

he attacks me verbally, tells lies and refuses to listen to anything I say.

Tell people this ^^ when they ask what gone wrong

He convinced the counsellor for a good while.

And people don't want to get involved, or they take advantage of the situation. Human nature I suppose.

Aaargh... resurrecting this as don't want to start all over.

'Other' family have got snippy with me that I'm accusing them. That has been kind of smoothed over, but they want me to deal with him over another small issue. I've explained to them that I'm estranged from brother, but still waiting a reply.

Then - the reason I'm back in here - bloody SiL sends a 'do come over for Christmas' message. And also saying they are spending a few days with 'other' family, and listing all the other lovely family things they are doing.

This stings because this other family have also colluded in some hefty bullying of me and my mum, and they have also been instrumental in causing trouble between me and my brother (playing us off against each other to isolate me, I think). So now I see they have all made up and are playing happy houses. Perhaps it makes them feel better.

I've replied saying that my brother probably didn't explain that we have agreed no pressure for 'social' contact, anything relating to our mum to be via email using business-like language.

Why do people do this? I'm having a hard enough time having to accept my situation without everyone else pretending its all fine. I feel I should add 'and I'm the crazy one'.

Sorry to read that it's just not going away

I do feel for you. Illness and incapacity in elderly parents brings out all sorts of selfish and wicked behaviour in a family. Its often highly manipulative and its no wonder that you feel backed into a corner.

I could write for ever on the topic... but... you don't have to answer to anyone else, you don't have to explain. They may be playing happy families but 'happy' is probably a passing moment of feeling superior and normal, often described as 'doing the right thing'.

Stick to what feels right for you. I know that it is terribly hurtful and the feeling that others think badly of you is difficult to live with. But, you know the truth and whatever crap your family is throwing at you is their crap, not yours.

Your DB has his own twisted agenda and people tend to go with the person who appears to be playing the most believable game. He is talking the talk and walking the walk and you are officially 'difficult'. I've been there and got the proverbial tshirt. Some people also love watching other people tear each other apart.

What he is trying to achieve is beyond me, but perhaps he gets some kind of a kick out of the perceived power of the situation. He's a dick, that's obvious. Just protect yourself and don't be drawn into what other people think. They don't have your best interests at heart and at the end of the day, its none of their business.

I stuck to what my instincts were telling me and several years following the loss of my DM, I can live with how I behaved and the outcome. I may have lost a sibling relationship for ever but it was the least worst outcome under the circumstances.

Be yourself, its the best defence.

Thank you both. I would face any person or deity with a clear conscience about my mum and how I'm looking after her. I just need to hold onto that thought.

My SiL has spouted a lot of horrible stuff to me over the last year, so there is no way she actually wants me to come over. I can only think she just wants to be able to say that she asked me for Christmas and I refused.

She indicated that she has no plans to visit her MiL (my mum) over Christmas, even though they are only 20 minutes away, so I think the moral low ground is hers. I shouldn't be losing any sleep over it.

My mum's side of the family has always been really grabby about stuff when someone is terminally ill/dying, so I know where you are coming from.

What is going on between you and your DB sounds a lot like the things I witnessed between my mum and my aunt over the years (with you as my mum and her sister as DB). Pretending to be friendly, attacking whenever possible, pretending to be hurt when the attack met with defence or silence, getting her husband to intervene when she pushed my mum too far. Total game of cat and mouse for years, hideous.

When my mum got cancer, my aunt made huge amount of fuss and "activity" round wanting to be seen to be caring/helping out. All about ego and the perception of others. No real support, help or love for my mum as she died, sometimes in horrible pain and usually in terrible mental distress. Jockeying to get bits of furniture she had always been jealous of, whilst my mum was still in the hospice (and I was there 24h, sleeping in a chair by her bed). Then once my mum had died, trying to turning all the narcissism and sibling rivalry bullshit onto me because she wanted a replacement whipping boy someone else to take on my mum's "role" within the family.

Stood up to her once, told her that was the only time I would give her warning because I had seen her behaviour all her life. Said one more time and it's NC, there will be no cat and mouse games as there were with my mum. Told other family the same thing and that no attempts to get us to reconcile or to play us off one another would be tolerated. It was hard, but people like that very rarely change (and if they do, it is down to their own choice, you can't make them). And my life is unrecognisable now.

You're doing the right thing going NC. Your life will be better without them. Sounds like counselling did really work for you. Good luck. A friend of mine recently got this tattooed on his back when he split with his ling term (controlling, male) partner, and it seems appropriate here: "Those who are afraid of falling never learn to fly". Enjoy the freedom of the skies.

I've had a couple of emails which appear to be trying to convey what a lovely bunch of people they are. Everyone is meeting up at the care home together today. Messages of support for another person who has had 'a tough year'. It looks like their reconciliation is complete.

Both parties are replying to my statement that my brother & I are now estranged and neither mention it.

It feels weird that they have all seem me being bullied, have joined in, and have now regrouped.

Very painful for you.

We had this - so I understand- and it's appalling to see people gather round the theif instead of the people who objected to the theft. Ho hum.

Wishing you the best.

Pit one of the things that has turned my world upside down is realising that these are people are capable of appearing so friendly when their hearts are in such a different place.

As you say, lots of 'activity' when someone is there to see. All these lovely Christmas meetings and jollity. Same when my mum was in hospital - couldn't be there too often, yet once she's in a home a visit is rare indeed.

My new year resolution is to leave this all behind me.

Thank you Helmet. I wonder if the topic will come up. I'd love to be a fly on the wall!

Maybe its a group thing - they all know they have done wrong but by getting together they can justify themselves to each other with me as their scapegoat.

I think you've hit the nail on the head Imbroglio- scapegoating. They can other you, stay in denial about needing to look at themselves or one another or the group dynamic and carry on pretending to and deceiving the outside world that everything is happy families.

But they continue to live in a "community" where there will always be someone who is next for that treatment. Pretty dark life that. You've seen through that darkness now and found your way out.