Bollocks. Pressing 'send'.

[Imbroglio]

Wrote a number of therapeutic emails tonight. Deleted them. Thankfully.

Then after a bottle of wine wrote one last nasty one liner and hit 'send'. Bollocks.

It was deserved [I think]. Cat now among the pigeons. But Bollocks Anyway.

It was to my SiL. She has had loads off my mum, including holidays, money for the house, money for the children. All fair and above board, no more than waa given to me..... plus her engagement ring. My mum's engagement ring from my dad. Fair enough, thinks I, at the time.

For context, my brother got my dad's signet ring when he died, gifted by my mum, not left in the will. Again, Fair Enough.

My SiL is an only child so will get 100% from her mum when the time comes [irrelevant I know...].

My brother (my only sibling. Her husband) told me a while ago while we were sorting out my mum's house that his wife wanted to 'pick through' my mums jewellery. This was while my mum was losing her battle with dementia and didn't know which way was up. My mum is still alive. My brother has taken possession of the jewellery box.

I have never been given any valuable jewellery or any other special tokens from my mum or my dad and its too late now. I will never experience the 'this is for you..' moment.

For info, my mum is now in a care home near both our houses, my SiL rarely visits, and I've been given a lot of shit about my mum from her.

My email asked my SiL if it was true she had asked to 'pick through' my mums stuff.

I'm a bitch.

The Sis in law is money grabbing.
I totally agree that for the moment, no one should be grabbing your DM's things. Your brother seems to feel the need to ensure if anyone grabs, it's them.

Ooo - we are now into the 'I don't know what you are talking about' territory.

I used to get on with my Sister-in-Law but she really fucking hates me now!

The idea of anyone wanting 'first dibs' on somebody else's belongings when they are ill or have recently died is quite revolting. I know that stuff has to be sorted through, but there's something vulture-like about wanting the first look through it to get all the best stuff

Your issue is with your brother surely? What did you say to him when he took the jewellery box?

Obviously you need to discuss this with him. Can you phone him? Email etc probably isn't the best way to communicate.

Leave your sil out of it.

This sort of thing brings out the worst in some people. Your sil is being money-grabbing and revolting - also hypocritical.

You mum's jewellery is HERS - until she dies. Then it should go to you, I think, unless she's specified anything else in her will. Certainly not your SIL.

Is the jewellery box not to be found? If that's so and they're denying they have it you might want to discuss with them about calling the police because that would suggest a burglary.

Morris you are quite right and this is what I was fully expecting to be roasted for. Unfortunately I was angry, tired, and had had lots of some wine when I started this. I'm in the wrong there and I have apologised to her writing in anger.

When he mentioned her wish to look through mum's stuff we were selling the house and as far as I know the jewellery went with my mum to her new home (living with a relative). Then she went into a care home and I don't know where the jewellery is now.

There is a lot going on at the moment. My brother and I don't get on at all and the last few years have been a nightmare. We have very different ideas about how to manage this situation.

My SiL has made a lot of very nasty, but raw and probably unthinking comments to me since my mum started needing more help, both about me and about my mum, alternated with trying to be nice to my mum. It's very confusing.

Anyway I have now asked for the jewellery to come into my safe-keeping for the present. We'll see what happens.

Do keep your SIL in the loop, it mght keep your DB more honest.

Tell him to put the jewellery back in the box and the box back where he found it. The contents still belong to your mum and he can have his say once she is no longer with you.

Be plain, don't apologise, as you have done nothing wrong. If he wants to escalate things then keeping his wife in the loop just might make him think twice.

I wish we had had that opportunity when MIL died. DH was too busy organising solicitors, coroner, funeral etc. BIL waltzed in with a pick up and emptied the house.

BIL waltzed in with a pick up and emptied the house

That's already happened! My brother's house is chock full of my mums best furniture, but I really don't mind (honestly!). We had to sell/dispose of lots of things but while I did the trips to the dump and cleaned kitchen cupboards, he loaded up the good stuff. But as I said, I don't mind. It's only stuff and otherwise it would have been sold or we would have had to give it away. I took a few bits and bobs that had sentimental value and some other bits that I wanted to keep for my sons but it was all above board.

The thing is that everyone knew who was taking care of what, including my mum.

Pure inner ugliness.

No roasting from me! My family have also been through the very odd process of clearing a beloved family home while the beloved relative was still living (she's 92 and in no hurry to pop her clogs), it's like a bereavement but not.

It was very odd choosing what I wanted from the house while my gran was in a care home up the road. It was sixty years of accumulated family stuff, inevitably some of it went by the wayside in the melee of vans, uncles, charity shops and trips to the dump.

My mum has now sworn she will clear her own home as she gets older but thus far she's still frantically accumulating. Thanks Mum!

Sorry, bit of projection there. I know how difficult and emotionally wearing it all gets.

You're totally not a bitch at all! It's horrible isn't it? I went through similar when my dad got dementia and was sectioned. Literally the day after he was taken into hospital relatives descended on the house like fucking vultures, taking everything including his car! I didn't care about the stuff, but what got me the most was that our precious photos were taken. All his photos from his early life, army stuff. I never, ever forgave them.

My dad was in a home for 10 years and not one of the bastards bothered visiting him.

You are quite within your rights to demand the jewellery. Your brother is a twat and your sil is the bitch not you!

My brother is blocking this for now.

It's given me quite an insight into how things are. My brother often uses his wife as back-up when he's having a go at me (as in - 'my wife finds you really difficult'), so I'm beginning to see a bigger picture here. She was really incredibly rude (as well as evasive) in her messages!

If I was in her shoes I'd be MORTIFIED if someone thought I was after their dying parents personal items.

If she had asked me nicely about something she particularly liked when the time came I would probably have been agreeable - but knowing how she feels about me and my mum I don't feel like just letting this go.

It won't make her happy.

So much easier to be angry with her than with your brother, I suppose.

She may be a bitch but she doesn't owe you anything. He's your brother and he owes you respect at the fucking least.

Emma I know. It's him I'm dealing with now. What I meant was that I'm getting a feel for how strongly she feels about me.

I think I've poked a wasps nest!

Sorry to resurrect this but I'm feeling so sad.

My brother is being incredibly evasive. Saying he doesn't understand what I'm saying (I've asked him to give the jewellery to me for safe-keeping - really not that obscure or hard to understand what I'm asking him to do) but also saying he's interested in what I'm saying and concerned for me.

My brother and I are in family therapy at the moment and the implication is that he's trying really hard to understand and support me, when in reality the sessions have been horrible. The idea was to get us to a place where we can talk to each other but I feel less inclined to talk to him over the phone or face to face than ever.

Saying he doesn't understand what I'm saying (I've asked him to give the jewellery to me for safe-keeping - really not that obscure or hard to understand what I'm asking him to do) but also saying he's interested in what I'm saying and concerned for me.

Diversionary tactic number 463.

'Bro - it's not hard to understand is it? I want my mother's jewellery to come into my possession for safe keeping for now. Which bit of that do you not understand exactly?'

The whole thing makes me feel grabby and mean.

Could you bring this conflict to family therapy? Stuff about your brother being given mementoes and yo not; how that makes you feel? And why your brother's response magnifies your sense of being the child left out.

FWIW, I don't think you seem grabby at all.

FGS he is being obtuse, just ask him outright

"why will you not let me keep hold of Mum's jewellery for now so that I can take it in to show her (as she enjoys doing with the rings I keep for her) and that when the time comes I can select the pieces with the sentimental meaning as part of my share of the estate as her daughter seeing as you already have her engagement ring and dad's signet ring"

I'd say you've held your tounge very well op.I really cant understand these 'in-laws' thinking that they are entitled to anything!

My dp would never think that he was entitled to anything of my dad's before my brother.

Some people just have no morals!

I have asked him outright. He says he doesn't understand what I'm talking about - as in, my words don't make sense. He has completely side-stepped what I've said.

I will raise it in therapy but I have had this sort of discussion before and its like chasing a cat.

Sometimes, the way therapy works is to step back from the specific issue of conflict - the jewellery box in this case - and look at the pattern it's a part of.

Or even look at his pattern of stonewalling your explicit direct questions. If I were in your position, I'd expect the therapist to help my brother and me explore that productively, and push my brother on the "I don't understand." That's a pattern of stonewalling that should be looked at with the help of the therapist.

The guy is being a prize winning twait tbh op and unless you really put your foot down and TELL him that you want the jewellery (in a way that leaves him in no doubt exactly what you mean) then he's going to continue to behave like the moron he clearly is.

Do you have anyone that can help you talk to him, a dp or male friend?

Stonewalling sums it up exactly.