Bollocks. Pressing 'send'.

[Imbroglio]

Wrote a number of therapeutic emails tonight. Deleted them. Thankfully.

Then after a bottle of wine wrote one last nasty one liner and hit 'send'. Bollocks.

It was deserved [I think]. Cat now among the pigeons. But Bollocks Anyway.

It was to my SiL. She has had loads off my mum, including holidays, money for the house, money for the children. All fair and above board, no more than waa given to me..... plus her engagement ring. My mum's engagement ring from my dad. Fair enough, thinks I, at the time.

For context, my brother got my dad's signet ring when he died, gifted by my mum, not left in the will. Again, Fair Enough.

My SiL is an only child so will get 100% from her mum when the time comes [irrelevant I know...].

My brother (my only sibling. Her husband) told me a while ago while we were sorting out my mum's house that his wife wanted to 'pick through' my mums jewellery. This was while my mum was losing her battle with dementia and didn't know which way was up. My mum is still alive. My brother has taken possession of the jewellery box.

I have never been given any valuable jewellery or any other special tokens from my mum or my dad and its too late now. I will never experience the 'this is for you..' moment.

For info, my mum is now in a care home near both our houses, my SiL rarely visits, and I've been given a lot of shit about my mum from her.

My email asked my SiL if it was true she had asked to 'pick through' my mums stuff.

I'm a bitch.

You could contact your local pova team. Your dms jewellery might provide comfort to her and whilst you may not wish to leave the items with her she might wish to see them occasionally and him depriving her if them is st the very least unkind.
The pova team may give you advice as to whether his actions are abusive to her.

He isn't abusive to her (at least to her person). He is affable and friendly. He doesn't visit often anyway.

I do sort of feel his problem is akin to a massive naivety about how his behaviour affects people. He sees himself as nice and likeable, and as soon as there is a conflict or difference of opinion he just assumes its not down to him to make any adjustments. He is as stubborn as an ox. Maybe a touch of the Golden Child there... ?

Sorry to butt in as not studied the whole thread, but your brother talks almost like someone running a cult or something?! VERY creepy and weird to my ears. But also - either completely knowing - or actually a bit deranged. Are you American? I cannot imagine any English person in their right mind talking like that, seriously.

No not American!

I don't know what to think. I just know that whatever is going on for him, I can't resolve it. Time for me to say 'no'.

NO is a complete sentence.

OP, you say you share legal responsibility for your DM, do you both have power of attorney or Court of Protection deputyship? These are the only forms of legal authority for him to be able to make any decisions about your DMs assets.

Remember, having POA or COPD give him powers to act and with them very strict legal responsibilities to always act in your DM 's best interests. He does NOT have rights to do what he wants with her property! A court will deal with this kind of misuse of POA very severely.

I get the impression you are allowing your DB to browbeat you. He is acting criminally and you can do something about this. Apply to court to have his POA removed or just go to police.

I know it's hard but your DM only has you to protect her from his actions.

It was horrible but its done. No more counselling.

This was only a tiny part of the session (I could be here all night) but relevant to the point of this thread I did ask about the jewellery.

Based on his own emailed words 'I cannot tell you how much it would please me if you were happy' I said that one thing he could do that would make me happier is if he handed the jewellery over for my safekeeping, as I have requested several times.

He said he didn't know where it was.

And he thought he had as much right to have it as I did, which is true of course, but it makes me think he knows perfectly well where it is.

OK. Go NC now, enough. He is playing games, if he "doesn't know where it is", this box has been discussed for weeks now. He is lying.
He has probably already flogged anything of worth, & given the costume jewellery to the kids. or given it to his wife.
If he is entitled to have it as much as you, then share it ! by his definition, it isn't exclusively his either.
or just divide it up together & get it over with.
No all he is doing is playing & doing the maximum to control & hurt you. it is deliberate.
please go NC. if he's interested in being a normal decent human being, he can give you the box with its contents. if not NO CONTACT

If he doesn't know where it is then surely he'd agree to the police being called (!)

That's what I'd be doing, let him wiggle out of that one.

What!

Neither of you have the right to divide it up!

Your DM is still alive!

This is HER stuff!

Have you read the thread? Op knows that

I'll be following up the jewellery. I am pretty sure he does have it because a) he told me a year ago that he had it b) I was the one who cleared out her room after she had moved and it wasn't there.

The house belongs to an aunt who my mum lived with so I can ask her or her family.

Regarding going no contact - absolutely. He really showed his colours last night when he realised he was losing his 'narcissistic supply' (my words) and the counsellor was very supportive of me cutting contact. He couldn't let it go and got really angry.

He even asked how long we would be no contact for and she told him maybe never.

We obviously still have to communicate over my mum so we agreed how we were going to do that. Short, business language emails.

Is there a possibility that in the event that your mum passes, she will have distributed these items of jewellery as she saw fit in her will before she became ill?

Yes shakey I have read it all the way through.

Mix56 clearly hasn't as she is advising OP to get together with her DB to divide up her DMs property between the two of them.

A lot of posters seem to be missing the point that we are not talking about a will dispute here. Her DM is a living, breathing human being who has the right not to have her property stolen.

I'm not accusing OP of doing this but she seems to think she can't do anything to stop her DB doing this.

Possibly - which is another reason why nothing should be disposed of. I just want it for safekeeping and to show my mum.

I think the issue of the jewellery has been a touchstone for what is wrong in my relationship with my brother. It's not about legal rights but about integrity and kindness.

Apologies OnGolden, I had saw OP's post from last night, responded and missed mix's 8.00 post. Didn't realise you were responding to that and read your post at face value.

I don't know if there is a word for what my brother has been doing to me for the last four years.

He bombards me with hyperbolic messages about wanting to be friends and wanting me to be happy, then as soon as he has me in the room he attacks me verbally, tells lies and refuses to listen to anything I say. I have done everything I can to find a way to sort things out to everyone's satisfaction but nothing I do counts for anything. He then tells everyone else that I won't speak to him and he doesn't understand why.

He's quite clever in he now has 'written evidence' of trying to remain on good terms with all the emails,
And gets his anger out face to face, with your word against his!!
If you do meet up again, maybe record the conversation, and play it back to him

glad you have done with the therapy, I really hope you get to look after the jewellery and your Mum can spend some time looking over it.

In a way he has proved that he is responsible enough to have it for safekeeping because he has told you that he doesn't know where it is!!! He has given you a noose to put around his neck because you have evidence that your Mum enjoys looking through it and he is denying your Mum that pleasure. If it is all missing he will have take that value out of his share of the estate if there is any value left when your Mum passes away.

OP, I have been chucking a lot of practical advice at you and on thinking about it you could have interpreted that as me not having any sympathy with your difficulties in dealing with your DB.

Apologies if this is how I came across I don't mean to be critical of you. I was in exactly one same position with my Dsiis. She was physically and verbally abusive towards me from the day I was born until she moved out when I was 16. I was shit scared of her and it took a lot of years for me to overcome that and stand up to her. I can guess just how difficult it is for you to do that.

However your DB is acting criminally and I hope you find the strength to bring him to account for this. Try to ignore any family members who criticise you for this they do not deserve your consideration.

I am now looking after the affairs of my DF who has advanced dementia so am very aware of the legal obligations in your situation and if the police or adult services knew what he was up to he would be in VERY serious trouble. I hope you can find the strength to do the right thing and stop him. I know how hard it is to stand up to a bully like him.

One last point, I don't want to worry you but if you have joint POA or COPD with your DB you could be held liable for not meeting your own obligation to protect your DMs interests if you don't act to stop your DBs abuse of his powers.! Please don't bury your head in the sand with this.

"I don't know if there is a word for what my brother has been doing to me for the last four years."
It's called emotional abuse. Most of the literature will focus on abusive partners but I'm sure a lot of applies to other relationships as well, so it might be worth looking it up?

I still think you should report the theft to the police and/or adult social services and get legal advice. OnGoldenPond raises an important point about joint POA and your responsibility to your mother.

You probably already know that your brother is a narcissist. There's not a nice way to deal with them. They do tend to shit themselves when confronted by a third party neutral person I would get a solicitor involved and stop the contact with him. Sorry you have to deal with this..

Op your brother sounds truly abusive. He us being kind by email and difficult in person in order for their to be 'evidence' of being 'good'.

I have no advice about the legal aspects but I think returning the jewellery to your mum, and potentially sparking some happy memories is wonderful.

Persist - you are in the right. And avoid your horrendous db as much as possible.

I'm sorry to have got certain posters screeching.
Yes I have read the whole post. What I meant was, OP has been speaking about certain pieces that hold childhood memories etc for her, she isn't in it for the money. B has already had the signet ring, the decent furniture etc.
What I was saying, was as the B is saying its not "all" hers. Maybe she could ask for a few pieces that she would like EVENTUALLY, & be able to take them to show her Mum,
Apparently her mum is unlikely to go home ever again, her belonging have all been cleared. they have to be kept by one or other of her children. There is no harm each having half in this scenario.
She also has memory problems.
I would just like to add, that my brothers & I have our mother who has dementia, & due to the various carers & visitors having already pocketed certain pieces of my Mums jewellery, we have talked about choosing anything that we want to keep for sentimental value LATER.
She already offered it all to me & I refused, & she sometimes, asks me to choose one piece I prefer etc. I refuse.
I would not condone taking anything until the final decease. just clearing up verbally who wants what.

mix it may give her real pleasure to see you take a favourite piece?