Bollocks. Pressing 'send'.

[Imbroglio]

Wrote a number of therapeutic emails tonight. Deleted them. Thankfully.

Then after a bottle of wine wrote one last nasty one liner and hit 'send'. Bollocks.

It was deserved [I think]. Cat now among the pigeons. But Bollocks Anyway.

It was to my SiL. She has had loads off my mum, including holidays, money for the house, money for the children. All fair and above board, no more than waa given to me..... plus her engagement ring. My mum's engagement ring from my dad. Fair enough, thinks I, at the time.

For context, my brother got my dad's signet ring when he died, gifted by my mum, not left in the will. Again, Fair Enough.

My SiL is an only child so will get 100% from her mum when the time comes [irrelevant I know...].

My brother (my only sibling. Her husband) told me a while ago while we were sorting out my mum's house that his wife wanted to 'pick through' my mums jewellery. This was while my mum was losing her battle with dementia and didn't know which way was up. My mum is still alive. My brother has taken possession of the jewellery box.

I have never been given any valuable jewellery or any other special tokens from my mum or my dad and its too late now. I will never experience the 'this is for you..' moment.

For info, my mum is now in a care home near both our houses, my SiL rarely visits, and I've been given a lot of shit about my mum from her.

My email asked my SiL if it was true she had asked to 'pick through' my mums stuff.

I'm a bitch.

sunny my family has completely fallen apart. I have no partner.

I think he has quite a lot to do with the family fall out, but its hard to prove. He comes over as very charming.

He is heavily invested in making me look like the unreasonable one.

Im so sorry to hear that op.

Have you thought about getting any legal advice? If not, i really would consider it as it sounds as if this knobhead will have you frozen out of any assets that you are entitled to.

And please stop thinking your a bitch op. You are far from it!

the problem really is, that you won't know if he has already removed anything of $$$$ value. (Not sentimental family "value", apparently he doesn't care about that)
I would say, "I am not a complete idiot & neither are you. I am not happy that you have taken this box. you already have X,Y,Z, there are 2 of us. Mum isn't even dead. I want to take stuff to her, to talk about things. You don't visit, your wife doesn't visit, You are just money grabbing & looking for maximum profit. Your wife will NOT be having the jewellery, I am not interested in the money, I am interested in memories & love for my Mother, however if this is the way you want it to be, I am calling the police"

OP, I'm so sorry, what absolutely awful behavior from your "D"B and SIL. I second sunny's post, you really should consider getting legal advice. It may be easier to have a lawyer deal with your brother from now on. Doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship to salvage at this point.

People get horribly grabby when someone dies or is nearing the end. When my DF died from cancer, my half-brother started rummaging through papers and valuables while my DM was still sitting at DF's bedside waiting for the undertakers to arrive. Apparently he was more interested in taking silver cutlery than mainting any kind of relationship with his then two-year-old half-sister (me). I'm so glad we've only had to see him about three times since then.

Some people have no shame and cutting them out of your life ASAP is usually your best course of action. Your brother has shown his true colours and I wouldn't waste any more time, emotional energy or therapy on him.

Thank you everyone. Its been really empowering to have your support - I have felt quite dirty raising this issue.

It feels too early for legal advice (and I think the legal position would be that as long as nothing is disposed of without the others permission it doesn't matter who looks after it), but I have once again made it clear that I want mum's jewellery passed to me for safekeeping, and its in writing so if it comes to it no-one can say they didn't know.

And if they hold anything back its on their conscience, really. There are a couple of items I particularly want for sentimental reasons, and I would like my mother and I to have been treated with more respect.

It has certainly focused my mind on the 'stonewalling'.

One of his tactics (over something much, much more serious than a few bits of glitz) is so interrupt me, loudly and repeatedly, with 'you won't even talk about it!' every time I raise the subject. The other thing is to sidetrack into a different argument.

He sounds like a massive cock op. I dont want to worry you, but is there any chance they no longer have your mum's jewellery? Is that why he's being so evasive?

Can you go there and ask to see it? Given the fact he won't even confirm he has it, I'm not sure it is too early for legal advice at all... He clearly thinks he can just bulldoze you.

I don't think it's money that's the issue as much as power and status. The arguments tend to be around who makes the decision rather than making the right decision. This has included decisions about my mum's care.

I so know where you are coming from ! Sadly my mum died in March - my brother arranged for a new will to be to written just before she died - she left him EVERYTHING! He turned up at my daughters wedding in May with his girlfriend and she had all my mums expensive jewels on !!!! ( she doesn't even live with him !!) he gave me a bag of dress Jewellery that he would have otherwise thrown out as a token gesture and one ring that mum said I should have ! He has no wife /ex wife or children - I have two daughters . There's no other siblings ... Just him and me - go figure !!!

Blimey op, I completely understand you not wanting to let this go.

It's not the value of the stuff at all, i get that.

I'd also be worried about where the jewellery actually is if he's being so shady.

How you hav'nt snapped and smacked this maniplitive little twait yet, i really dont know. I could'nt think of anyone more deserving and i bet it would beat all the therapy in the fucking world.

Its time you grew some ladyballs Imbroglio and next time he starts reply with something like 'Oi dumbass, can you not hear me talking here! Tell me, why do you feel the need to shout over me, is it to make yourself feel bigger and more of a man because your lacking in other areas? Coz tbh i cant think of another reason why someone would act like such a giant knob. Now sit your ass down, shut the fuck up and listen!

Rainy- thats terrible, what a complete bastard! As you say some people have no shame or morals and we are much better without them in our lives.

Oneplan- what a nasty, horrible thing to do to you.
Im sorry for your loss

OnePlan that's horrible.

It sounds like he is a bully, and possibly even emotional abusive. Relationship counselling is never advised with partners like this. And I suspect the same goes for family therapy with siblings like this. It sounds like he is using it as another forum for attacking you.

Given that he took the jewellery from your mother's house (presumably) without her permission, could you report it to the police as a theft?

I realise it's tricky if your mother isn't able to intervene - and even if she is, it seems likely that she would take his side?

It feels too early for the big guns - and the point of the counselling is to get the communication going again.

It way well be that my mum left some information with her solicitor and it'll all be clear what her wishes are when the time comes. In the meantime I would like to know its safe, and to be able to show it to my mum.

AnotherEmma I think you may well be right about the therapy. Although he said he was totally committed to it, the first sessions were mostly him attacking me. The counsellor has reined that in, and I've said I will stop the process if he doesn't change this behaviour.

How horrible OP. The ring is long gone. My dad died recently at 92. I uncovered all sorts of scenarios where people had been exploiting my dad.
One person is acting exactly like your brother. I will be setting legal action in place this week. It's not about money, it's the fact that these kinds of people should not be allowed to get away with it.

It really brings home how important it is to make your wishes clear.

It making me think a lot about how to make each of my children feel special while also being scrupulously fair. My dearest wish would be that they are generous to each other, and to each others families.

So the stonewalling continues. This was my message:

As is very clear from what I have said already, I would like you to pass mum's jewellery into my safekeeping

This was his reply:

^I would like you to know I am wishing you great happiness and contentment.

As I said I did not understand your message. Perhaps it would help me if you were to let me know how you wish me to be feeling in response to your message?^

How do I reply to that?

"This is not about your feelings or my feelings. Why are you not prepared to let me hold onto Mum's jewellery box for safe keeping and so that I can spend time with her looking through her jewellery when it is something that brings her happiness?"

Is he trying to be an arsehole, or is he not quite well? That's fucking bizarre.

Oh, and he copied his wife in on it.

Mention it at counselling? What a colossal tit.

Say you want it to be held by your mother's solicitor? He can't claim any bollocks about potentially hurt feelings at that. Well, clearly he can, he's acting like total tosspot.

How about you take out the 'for safe keeping' bit and just say - I am looking for mums jewellery box, with its contents, I think you have it and I'm asking you to give it to me. It is a factual request not an exploration of feelings.'

Imbroglio, write, " This is the 3rd time I'm writing to you to tell you to return our Mother's jewellery box and all the contents inside it. Mum is still alive and you have no right, in law, to take it at this time. This is a serious issue, the fact is that you have taken the jewellery box without permission. Please do not attempt to gaslight me or divert the issue to something irrelevant like feelings. If the jewellery box is not returned by Friday 27th November, with its contents intact, I shall have no option but to contact the police to report a theft and take legal advice."
Good Luck

Yes! Write that ^ Imbroglio I think you need to get serious on him now, he's taking the piss.