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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something stupid...do i tell him?

133 replies

selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 10:51

Ok really dont know what to do but know i have to do something.

Over the past 12 mnths i've got a large amount on my credit card which dh knows nothing about.
Now i dont have money to pay monthly payments and dh is going to find out.
He's going to explode, I've lied to him in the past about money and promised i'd never do it again but here i am again.
i'm not a good wife anyway and seem to be constantly letting him down...

how the hell do itell him i've done it again and even worse this time?
tbh think i'll just leave cant face it, i know i'm a coward but cant think of what else to do...

[waiting for backlash]

OP posts:
dublindee · 09/12/2006 10:52

What did you spend the cash on?

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 09/12/2006 10:52

Well, your choice is that you are honest and own up or he finds out himself. Which is worst?

JesusWasReallyWelsh · 09/12/2006 10:53

You have to tell him, burying your head in the sand wont help

This can be sorted, it is fixable

But you need to come clean and tell DH everything

You will feel the weight come off your shoulders when you do

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 10:54

spent it just stupid things, clothes, thing for my dc's nothing extravagant.
when i say a large amount i mean several thousand

OP posts:
DoesntChristmasDragOn · 09/12/2006 10:54

Cut up your credit card and hand it to your
DH when you tell him.

MulledRubyRiojaWine · 09/12/2006 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 10:57

it already is a mess. I cut card up months ago but its already in arrears and they automatically took a payment out of joint account which dh will want to know where its gone

OP posts:
Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 10:57

would your dh forgive you?

OP posts:
GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille · 09/12/2006 11:00

I would tell him.

Be prepared for him to be angry both at the money spent and wasted and the deception.

Don't be defensive.

Try to encourage him to help you sort it out and convince him that you have learned a lesson.

Can you take on any work hours to help pay it back?

munz · 09/12/2006 11:01

mine tbh would go mad absolutly mad, and he's take full control over the money instead of us having joint/me having control.

if you can't do the option of getting a 0% card, then I suggest you talk to your CC company and see if you can't work something out.

on the grand scheme of things how do you think your DH will react?? agree with others that it would be better to come from you, and also if your DH can see you are making moves to try and limit the problem now he may not be as bad as you think - to present him with a problem to sort out I think he'll be a lot worse.

Blu · 09/12/2006 11:02

"i'm not a good wife anyway and seem to be constantly letting him down... "

Oh dear - it siunds as if there are deeper, wider problems than the money - either to do with your self-esteem, or his attitude to you, or your sense of independence within the mariage.

Atre you REALLY leting him down, or is that what HE feels? Do you want to contribute as an active partner in your marriage, or are you really, secretly, wishing yourself elsewhere? Do you have enough money over which you can make decisions in your partnership, or does DH do all the money control?

Whatever you do do about this, i think it may be wort seeking cunselling over your marriage and over your debt habit.

Perhaps thinking about WHY you run up debt might help as a starting point as to how you broach it with your DH. Unless you can think of a way to make an arrangement to pay, or raise money by flogging stuff on e bay or something, there isn't really an alternative to telling our DH, is there?

How much is the bill? (just to give us an idea of the severity of the problem?)

colditz · 09/12/2006 11:02

You must must must tell him, but get a part time job first, so you can pay it off.

Saturn74 · 09/12/2006 11:02

But if they are taking payments out of your joint account, surely your DH already knows about it? If it is for thousands of pounds then the monthly payments must be quite high.
I think you need to deal with this yourself for now.
Contact the credit card company and explain that you are unable to make full payments at the moment. In some cases they freeze the interest to allow people to get back on track.
Do you earn any money yourself, and could you increase your hours to earn more?
You could put items on eBay to try and make some money to go towards the payments.
I don't understand why you think leaving is an option. You need to try and take control of the situation, come up with a plan, and then tell your DH.

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 11:03

oh god, what am i going to do? I love him so much and i'm ruining his life.
might write him a letter and leave....i'm so scared

OP posts:
munz · 09/12/2006 11:04

(just like to add, if you leave the problem will follow you, you have to face up to it now before things get worse )

Blu · 09/12/2006 11:04

I very much doubt you are ruining his life!

Don't panic - and running away will solve absolutely nothing at all - and will certainly add to the financila problems!

dublindee · 09/12/2006 11:04

You need to fess up. How is leaving your hubby going to solve the problem of the debt??

Who receives the bill for this card?

An authorised or named user is not liable for the expense the maincardholder runs up, but if the card was applied for in his name and he had you as a nominated user he IS responsible.

If the latter is the case and you are thinking of scarpering I think that is disgusting. Sorry, but that's how I feel.

munz · 09/12/2006 11:05

why are you ruiening his life? it sounds to me like possibly you spent to make yourself feel better? there are obviosuly other things going on at home which only you know about which contribute to the problem iycwim.

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 11:05

£5000...........
i honesstly dont want to be anywhere else, i love him with all my heart, hes wonderful. its me with the problem not him.

OP posts:
GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille · 09/12/2006 11:07

Only you can know what his reaction will be, but unless you are scared of violence then tell him.

dublindee · 09/12/2006 11:07

You HAVE to tell him.

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 11:08

no he'd never lay a finger on me, he's th emosst gentle person in the world, he doesn't deserve this

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2006 11:09

Do not bury your head in the sand in the hopes it will go away because it will not. The longer you leave the larger the debt will be in terms of interest as well.

I would tell him as soon as possible the full extent of the debt. You will need to be honest with your own self as well, you may have denial issues about its actual size and may not actually know how much you owe.

You are going to have to seek proper help this time around to sort it through CCCS (Consumer Credit Counselling Service), National Debtline or some other such organisation such as CAB. Definately not one of those debt management companies you see on the tv!.

You need to work out for yourself why you've done this again soon after having been in debt before.

GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille · 09/12/2006 11:11

Well tell him.

What is your general financial situation? The dangers of a debt of 5k are really dependant on your income and outgoings and the possibility of slack. If you can earn more and spend less and sell some stuff, combined with transferring the debt to a cheaper card then things aren't so bad.

you need to tell him niw before he spends a fortune on christmas or expects you to.

Face up to your problems don't run away. that is not the answer.

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 11:11

i know it could be transferred to his card and paid off with redundancy money coming soon.
But i'm more scared for our relationship or what would be left of it if anything

OP posts: