Done something stupid...do i tell him?

[selfishandstupid]

Ok really dont know what to do but know i have to do something.

Over the past 12 mnths i've got a large amount on my credit card which dh knows nothing about.
Now i dont have money to pay monthly payments and dh is going to find out.
He's going to explode, I've lied to him in the past about money and promised i'd never do it again but here i am again.
i'm not a good wife anyway and seem to be constantly letting him down...

how the hell do itell him i've done it again and even worse this time?
tbh think i'll just leave cant face it, i know i'm a coward but cant think of what else to do...

[waiting for backlash]

but sas could mind a 1 or 2 children for 1-2 days aweek and still earn enough to manage some kind of debt repayment scheme and she would feel she was contributing and helping sort out the problem, and lets not underestimate the amount of self-worht and fulfillment that can bring.

Mozhe - I'm not stuck in the nursery. I keep my brain working and I also sell my cards. Good theory, but, it is a bit patronising to SAHMs. I know loads who are very intelligent and committed to many things in their lives, as well as their children. They don't need to work, so they stay at home to ensure that their children have someone there for them. It might not work for you, but it does for me.

Dh moans about my spending, but he is the first to say that he is glad that ds had me at home. I'll admit that the first couple of years were tedious, but I recovered and have not become a child bore with my friends.

I think SAS primary problem is not being disciplined to only spend within her means. Would it help if your DH kept you on a weekly cash budget?

Personally I have no idea how people manage to have a "career" and look after several kids, unless they have

1. relatives to fill in the childcare void,
2. very unusual (ime) employers who will let them work very flexi-time and understand, for instance, why a 50% time contact should mean 18-20 hours a week, not 30-40.
3. Earn a LOT so can afford a nanny/au pair. OR
4. Have really good talents, capable of being self-employed or so good at their work that employer is willing to be child-friendly.

I'm too ordinary to fit the bill for any of those. I only have a PhD and an IQ of 160.

Believe me i know both sides of the wohm v sahm debate.
Dh and I have both made the decision for me to be a sahm, that is what I feel is best. when they are both at school full time, that will be a diff story.

Don't think childminding is for me. I have quite a small house with just about enough room for us let alone more kids during the day.
Also looking at getting back into care work(evenings or nights) to help with finances.

I did not do any of this intentionally and no I can't blame it on being a sahm or anything else.
I am the one to blame, me and me alone. I am going to do everything in my power to repair the damage I've done to our relationship and our finances. But I will not let my dc suffer imo for my mistakes by me leaving them and going out to work full time....
I'm not having a crack at wohm, its just not for me and my family

Mrs Wobble: "why is it so incredible that women don't do their own tax returns or know what investments the family has? I would guess that I fit your feminist "ideal" in that I work full time in a senior position, took only short maternity leaves and out earn my husband. However, he does all the money stuff and I have absolutely no interest in it. We have enough and it's not something I find intrinsically interesting - I'm not sure he does either but in the division of chores he gets tax returns and I get supermarket shopping."

We are in exactly the same position. I have absolutely no interest in our tax returns/insurance/investments. It bores me absolutely rigid. But I know DH well enough to be confident that he does it better than I would and my whole life is and has been premised on the fact that I trust him implicitly. And I don't doubt for a second that if DH were to be run over the bus, I would take over our meticulously organised financial affairs without too much of a problem. I do wonder whether DH would take over the cooking and food as well should I be the one squished by the passing hypothetical bus!

Most women don't have investments (not even jointly with hubbie) or earn enough to have to/need to file self-assess forms at all.

Well really women who say they have no interest and don't know about their family investments why is that? Are they stupid? Are they saying women interested in clothes and men the serious money things? Is it the way they are brough up? Do they know they are being silly to place reliance on a man over that particularly given so many marriages end up in divorce and then teh woman says oh I dont' know what accounts we have or what money we have? That gives him a chancxe to hide money then. What if he's making silly investments? Don't you have a duty to your children to check. I can't believe these women... it reads like some of them are from 1850s England. It's a kind of child like dependent state. Man - big competent protective person who manages money. Silly little woman who can't be trusted with the money and spends it on clothes... wow. I say get thee to therapy and think about why materialism is so important to you or clean church floors or dig the garden and plant some veg the next time you're tempted by Debenhams.

\link{http://www.amazon.com/Money-Drunk-Sober-Financial-Freedom/dp/0345432657\ buy this book and tellyour DH you are going to turn it around!)

buy this book and tellyour DH you are going to turn it around!

Whilst Xenia's post was a little sweeping maybe, it does seem from some of her posts that the OP would have been happier if she had had a job. Maybe the sense of being financially out of control made it more likely that this would happen. It's not a legal requirement to enjoy being a SAHM 24 hours a day.

Anyway. Good thing that it's out in the open now. Your DH sounds like a lovely man.

Xenia - I may be misinterpreting but the first sentence of your latest post is terribly insulting and I think it says more about the lack of trust that existed in your relationship with your husband than anything about my relationship with either money or my husband.

And I've never thought of myself as particularly stupid - just because I don't do something doesn't mean I can't. For example I was perfectly capable of changing nappies but didn't want to so delegated it to someone else while I did something that interested me more - your creed I thought. I'm not sure why applying that logic to childcare makes sense but tax returns doesn't - I know which I would prefer to do.

I'm with Mrs Wobble here! Of course I could do it if I wanted to and I do have input you might describe as the 'strategic decisions'(What's the maximum we can afford on a mortgage? What's the right spread across high risk to low risk investments? Are we comfortable with our IFA?), but it's pretty bloody pointless both of us filling in a tax return or me standing by the computer as DH completes an on-line banking transaction. After 25 years I have a very strong sense of DH's strengths and weaknesses and on this I trust him.

I did my tax return wen I was a WW Leader. Enjoyed it too. I had all my records up to date and was impressed to see that they owed me the grand sum of £2 .

DDDD-Everyone needs to work imo BUT for different reasons maybe..£££s some, all for self esteem and psychological growth.
Flack- I work fulltime, always have, and I have 5 youngsters,( so does Xenia and several others, and probably the majority of women worldwide..).I do earn a lot but that is probably because I chose my profession carefully, worked very hard and never wasted my time loafing round shops pointlessly spending money I did not earn...
SAS- Why is Sahm best for you ? because frankly I cannot see how you've arrived at that decision...Why not childmind ? Children are generally very small so would suit your house ok. Your DCs will not suffer if you go back to fulltime work but they might very well do so if you continue living yoour life in this way....Ask yourself perhaps why you don't want these things ?

I am happy to say that I think any woman in the UK who doesn't know what investments hre family has and doesn't have copies of details of bank accounts and doesn't view a tax return filled in on her behalf is really really silly. I really think that. It's dangerous. Also examine why you may not want to know> I'm not saying all men hide money but a lot do or they get loans you sign and didn't understand or you lose the family home because he charged it to the business or whatever. Why not know? Why wouldn't you want to know? Do we think the female brain cannot cope with this stuff and why aren't people interested in it? I love tax and stuff like that.

SAS - so pleased your DH reacted as he did, and that you're on the way to sorting this out. He sounds lovely!!

Not all craft-type stuff costs money - can you do collage with old magazines/cards? I made a collage for DD's wall from her 3rd birthday cards which I got really into and looks nice. Some stuff like this can even save you money - eg. if you can make your own cards from old cards and scraps, you can save the outrageous prices they charge in the shops etc.

Tessa Jowell.....said in looming ghostly voice!

Not many of us deal in such complex or large financial dealings, but 'information gathering' is better if two of you know what is going on - reading something in the paper on the tube and thinking 'oh I wonder if we should move our policy / go back to NI rather than SERPS / look for a cheaper mortgage'. dp does all the working out cheapest suppliers of gas, elec, broadband / phone etc and has made it into his hobby to change 14 times a year. Drives me mental and he's welcome to it.

My DH takes care of the mortgage. I take care of everything else such as insurance/savings/investments/all bills because as far as he is concerned, it's in the weeds. Does that make him silly? No, it means that he trust my judgements and my skills at financial management. We discuss things all the time regarding the finances but he is delighted to delegate the day to day management to me.

Xenia, why would I need copies of bank account details? I can access all the statements and correspondence at any time as they're kept in a pretty well ordered filing cabinet. Also, my lack of interest in tax returns does not extend to signing things without reading or understanding them. As for examining "why I don't want to know" - it's not that I don't want to know but I don't need to know - my husband deals with it and I trust him completely and, frankly, if that trust is misplaced I would have rather more concern than just financial. I think your last sentence explains your approach but please stop assuming that the things you are interested in are important and the things you are not interested in are unimportant. They are for you but not everyone shares your views and there's absolutely no reason why they should. Your posts do share this tendency, whatever topic they are posted on.

I just think never do that trusting completely. Of course allocate responsibilities in a marriage. It makes sense but know and do a quick check. Have a rough idea what life insurance you both have. Know what you have in the various accounts. Know what you each earn. Most of you are happily married. I'm divorced and I have seen so much of the problems caused by men or women who didn't know and after divorce are trying to find those details and kicking themselves they left so much up to him or her.

Also I don't like the sexism in so many marriage shwere these pathetic women think because it's money things that is not interesting or they can't understand it (presumably because their husbands have male brains and are cleverer???)

I know this thread has turned into a more general topic but I must say that I do know all about our finances.
I know what bank accounts are where, what life insurance we have, our mortgage detail etc, etc

I do have the brain capacity to sort thru financial matters.
I have made mistakes due to my own flaws personally not because I'm a pathetic, quivering wreck of a woman, completely reliant on a man.
My dh shares financial information and decisions with me, we do work as a team. I let the team down.

I do think there have made some very sweeping statements that altho they may be your ideal, they aren't everyones

I really couldn't be more in agreement with with Mrs Wobble. A sensible division of tasks delegated according to the strengths and interests of those involved is crucial to good business efficiency or good family life! In a loving, trusting relationship, why shouldn't one take more control of the financial aspects than the other? This isn't a rejection of feminism or of independence, it's common sense.

Xenia - I really think it is extraordinarily arrogant to suggest that someone seek therapy for trusting their partner! Moreover, it's highly insulting to imply that you '...can't believe these women...'when surely it must be apparent that they aren't 'pathetic' at all. These posts have been written by women who have arrive at practical solutions with their partners - and untainted with paranoia and defensiveness!

Well if SAS did know their exact financial situation, and still behaved the way she did AND then refuses to take any real responsabilty/consequences for it...I think she does need help, or she needs to do some pretty rapid ' growing up '....She is just avoiding life as a real adult by basically pretending that ' everything is ok now ' , she can't work because her children might ' suffer ' !!!? They may very well suffer from having such a poor role model...especially if one of them is a girl...spend as much as you like on hubby's cc because you are sooo bored all day, then have a sob followed by a quick kiss/cuddle on the sofa, and hey presto evrything is ' magicked away '..Love it. Right I'm off to teach medical students how to spot mental illness.......

Mozhe - I don't agree that everyone needs to work. I see what you are saying, but I get my self esteem from friends and my crafting, and winning competitions in craft magazines etc. I did work as a WW Leader for 9 months, and loved it. Yes, it gave me alot of esteem, but I didn't need to do it.

I have a very full and varied lifestyle. I am a bit of a 'lady who lunches' sometimes, and an intelligent woman who loves reading classics and does the Times crossword. I just don't get this 'you need to work to maintain a sense of self' attitude. I love my life and am very thankful that I am in the position to be able to be at home. I'm certainly not the archetypal 'little woman' at home and have a lot to say for myself. Nor do I only talk about my child.