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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Done something stupid...do i tell him?

133 replies

selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 10:51

Ok really dont know what to do but know i have to do something.

Over the past 12 mnths i've got a large amount on my credit card which dh knows nothing about.
Now i dont have money to pay monthly payments and dh is going to find out.
He's going to explode, I've lied to him in the past about money and promised i'd never do it again but here i am again.
i'm not a good wife anyway and seem to be constantly letting him down...

how the hell do itell him i've done it again and even worse this time?
tbh think i'll just leave cant face it, i know i'm a coward but cant think of what else to do...

[waiting for backlash]

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 10/12/2006 17:00

Another thread may be proving women should not give up work.

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 10/12/2006 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SherlockLGJ · 10/12/2006 18:57

Lockets

Nod kindly back swiftly out of the room, do not turn your back.

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 10/12/2006 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tribpot · 10/12/2006 19:37

Xenia, give it a rest, love. Being a full-time SAHM may not be for everyone, but this doesn't prove your theory that all women (and presumably men) should work outside the home.

SAS, really glad your dh has taken this on the chin. I do think it's important that you figure out what caused you to overspend, and how you can remedy that. Maybe being a SAHM isn't for you (possibly Xenia's badly-worded point below), or you need to get more involved in groups and stuff, so feel less need to fill the gap with shopping.

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 10/12/2006 20:12

Xenia - I don't work and manage not to spend too much thanks. I'm convinced you are a man a la JF.

wartywarthog · 10/12/2006 20:29

'Another thread may be proving women should not give up work.'

erm.. so we all go to work and... pay someone else to do what we do now. yeah, sounds logical.

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 10/12/2006 20:30

Yes Warty, because then there would be two women employed (you and the nanny), making things better all round for women

xena · 10/12/2006 20:31

Hijack>

wartywarthog · 10/12/2006 20:34

yeah dddd, we'd all be exhausted and underpaid...

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 10/12/2006 20:35

But fulfilled.

NotAnOtter · 10/12/2006 20:38

yeah Xenia - if all working women are as tiresome as you are then ' rock on sahms'!

edam · 10/12/2006 20:38

SAS, glad you've told dh and very glad he's been understanding about it. Nice of him to know but wait for you to tell him, too.

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 10/12/2006 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fortyplus · 10/12/2006 20:50

selfishandstupid - feeling pleased for you that you will be able to work things out.
If you don't feel able to control your spending then maybe it would be better for dh to give you an allowance? I know that sounds totally ridiculous - most women expect and deserve financial equality in a relationship - but if this is the 2nd time this has happened then you might feel more secure if you let dh hold the purse strings. Good luck for the future

fortyplus · 10/12/2006 20:51

xena - I'd definitely change my name if I were you!

mozhe · 11/12/2006 00:13

I'm with Xenia on this one....if' selfish etc' was a wohm she'd be sorting out this mess for herself instead of cowering in front of her DH...please,first thing tomorrow go and get yourself a job and consider changing your mn ' name ' it's so demeaning..

Original poster

selfishandstupid · 11/12/2006 08:05

this isn't actually mn name, i changed it for this thread.
I would love to get a part time job but can't seem to find anything suitable. I have a 4yr at nursery in the morning and a 1yr at home.....how can I work a normal part time job.
I could never send them to a private nursery plus the cost would cancel out any wages i earn anyway!

Going to sell what i can on ebay or car boot sales and go from there.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 11/12/2006 08:48

Handing over purse strings to a man who can manage money that he earned better than the woman. Yes, that has seemed to work very well for many couples over the ages and the planet. Wouldn't suit me but if some men are just much better at managing money and they earned it anyway I suppose them doling out pocket mnoey to their wives may be a good system for some. On the other hand she wrote - the problems started when I gave up work... so one answer is to return to work, have your own money etc.

selfishh... not sure what you can do. I used to mark exam papers from home. I've done lots of writing which you can do any time of day or night as JK Rowling has proved. My cleaner cleans around her young family although that's not everyone's cup of tea and a lot of family split shift but that's quite a strain on a family.

TheOriginalXENA · 11/12/2006 10:13

The trouble with your suggestions xenia is that if like myself you have 4 children 3 of whom are pre schoolers the cost of childcare would add up to 20K (nanny, nursey, childminder take your pick) that if I earned 40k then after tax and ni I would be left we next to nothing.

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 11/12/2006 10:48

Mozhe - how is it demaning to spend too much money? And what right do you have to tell her to go out and get a job? Some people (including me) have no choice but to stay at home because paying for childcare in the holidays would cost too much.

SAS - IMHO, you could look at what is causing you to spend the money. Is it boredom? Is it depression? Then, there are plenty of avenues to get this solved. I find that I spend more if I am bored, but have been less bored since having several hobbies. But then I am lucky as ds is at school and I have a few hours to myself. It was definitely harder to manage my 'budget' when I was looking after ds before he even went to pre-school.

Original poster

selfishandstupid · 11/12/2006 11:01

DDDD, i think boredom is a big part of it. I gain no satisfaction from housework and find it monotonous and altho its done, hate it.

I do have hobbies but hate being in the house all week and if you go out, you spend. Its too cold to go to the park or do any outdoor activities, so we're sat in the house....might root out my knitting bag, have plenty of wool so might do some this afternoon and watch a dvd.

I do feel so much better tho, huge weight off my sholders...feel almost free. And dh has been wonderful. We sat on ssofa last night and he gave a big hug and lots of kisses, telling me that everything is ok and he knows i didn't do it intentionally. He's so wonderful.

Might cook a nice meal for us on weds for us to have on our own after dc's are in bed, i've got a hell of a lot of making up to do

OP posts:

winterpimms · 11/12/2006 11:03

Enjoy the making up SSS

Glad it's all out in the open now.

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 11/12/2006 11:03

SAS - thank God he was OK to you about it. You must put it behind you and knit him a nice Xmas jumper a la Bridget Jones . That will stop you spending!

Original poster

selfishandstupid · 11/12/2006 11:05

it will take me til next xmas to knit a jumper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not very good at it sso might start off with an easy hat for dd2, she's only 1 so sshould be a fairly small hat!

OP posts:

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