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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something stupid...do i tell him?

133 replies

selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 10:51

Ok really dont know what to do but know i have to do something.

Over the past 12 mnths i've got a large amount on my credit card which dh knows nothing about.
Now i dont have money to pay monthly payments and dh is going to find out.
He's going to explode, I've lied to him in the past about money and promised i'd never do it again but here i am again.
i'm not a good wife anyway and seem to be constantly letting him down...

how the hell do itell him i've done it again and even worse this time?
tbh think i'll just leave cant face it, i know i'm a coward but cant think of what else to do...

[waiting for backlash]

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2006 11:11

Running away will not solve anything and will only serve to make you feel worse. You need to tackle this debt head on. The organisations I have quoted can help you. Please contact one of them!.

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 11:12

thank you all for your advice.
I'll tell him tonight when dc are in bed...
i'm just so so so scared

OP posts:
zookeeper · 09/12/2006 11:13

Tell him and try to work out a reapyment plan together and stick at it. Try not to beat yourself too much over it - he must bear some of the responsibility as he must have wondered where the new stuff was coming from?

It's a lot of money but it is only money and you will feel better once you have faced up to it - if you run away from it you will feel worse and it won't go away.

GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille · 09/12/2006 11:13

Secrets and lies damage relationships. But you can restore them by making a fresh start..above all talking to each other and if necessary taking outside help and support and advice to get through your problems.

ScoobyDooTheyKnowItsChristmas · 09/12/2006 11:13

I would tell him now, it wont be easy but you must do it, if you leave it you will just get interest on top & the amount will just get bigger & bigger, don't run away i am sure it can be solved.

GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille · 09/12/2006 11:16

If it was my dp and he told me I would probably be sick and feel all hot and cold but I would not think it was the end of our relationship.

After the initial shock i would want us to plan together how to repay it and I would expect dp to do what he could to work extra and take some responsibility although I would still see it as a joint problem. It would an enormous amount to us.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2006 11:16

Alvin Hall has written some good books on debt and how to get out of it. (How to get out of Debt is one of his book titles). You should be able to get this in WHsmiths in paperback. He also writes about how and why peopel get into debt. (that is a very important point to address particularly for you).

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 09/12/2006 11:18

I think you need to work out why you have done this and whether you need help and how to get it etc. Then you can confront him with both the problem and a constructive solution at the same time.

I'm sure there must be some kind of support for "shopaholics" (sorry that sounds very flippant, not meant that way iyswim). I think there are support groups for people that have run up loads of debt on credit cards.

I think it is really important to find a way to explain this to him that makes him realise that this is a problem that you alone can solve - it has not been to get at him - it is some kind of addiction?

FWIW I think that debt is so so tempting, and I had huge debts at one stage. It took a shock to cure me, and now I don't even have a single credit card.

dublindee · 09/12/2006 11:19

It may help to speak to a counsellor or 3rd party and figure out why you racked up this £5k as well. There has to be a reason you spent that amount on non-essentials. Once you've sorted that out you'd be less likely to repeat it (and would stop jeopardising your relationship).

edam · 09/12/2006 11:34

Dh did something similar (only worse) to me. I forgave him and we sorted it out. Tell your dh and get yourself to one of those organisations Attila mentioned.

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 11:51

ok must say i feel better already for deciding to tell him.
I'll tell him tonight after dc's are in bed and packed a bag in case he doesn't want me around while he comes to terms with it all. it will be a lot for him to take in especially after lying to him before about money but i know it must be done. might need your support over next few days so please be around.

thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 13:34

finding it really hard to get thru the day now, knowing whats coming tonite.
and dh is being his usual wonderful self, made me a coffee and doing some ironing.........oh god i'm going to bring the world down around him!!!!!

OP posts:
colditz · 09/12/2006 14:01

have you got a job? Because honestly, if you haven't, I think you should get one.

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 14:13

not yet but going down asda and tesco later to see if i can get some night shifts, or might try some nursing homes for night shifts

OP posts:
Original poster
selfishandstupid · 09/12/2006 18:30

ok wish me luck, god am i going to need it

OP posts:
Troutpout · 09/12/2006 18:32

Good luck

orangeblosson59 · 09/12/2006 18:59

just seen this thread i know how easy this is to run up this sort of debt best to tell him he will be angry but it could be alot worse work together and dont allow yourself another card good luck will watch to hear how it goes thinking of you

KimiTheChristmasCracker · 09/12/2006 19:42

SAS why are you spending so much? Are you unhappy?

morningpaper · 09/12/2006 19:50

It sounds as though you have done this on purpose knowing that it was likely to sabotage this relationship. I agree with others that it sounds like you have deeper issues that you really need to tackle. Good luck.

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 09/12/2006 20:02

Does spending the money make you feel better at the time? If so, perhaps you need counselling of some sort. Agree with the others who said that the problem seems deeper. You already have the idea that he will not want you when he finds out, yet you say he is really gentle and loving.

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 10/12/2006 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
selfishandstupid · 10/12/2006 12:45

well told him last night and it was truly awful. dh has been his wonderful self and altho very very angry he didn't fly off the handle as he's had his suspicions for a while, he was just waiting for me to tell him.
He wants to transfer balance to his card and pay off next month and pay off with redundancy money...without that we'd be screwed.
Pleasse believe me when i say i love my dh more than anything in the world and apart from this we have a wonderful relationship.
This has taken place over a few years. i just got a buzz or perhaps even a high off shopping and buried my head in the sand about the expense.

Thinking about it i think it wass giving up work and becoming a sahm that has triggered it and i've filled the void of work with shopping.

my dh has been wonderful and the relief is enormous. i've promised never to have another cc again in my life and to clear any purchases with him.

If anyone else can relate to my situation pleasse learn from me. I've put my marriage and my family at risk for the sake of shopping trips.
credit & loans are not an option, if you can't afford, you can't buy it....thatsss my mantra from here on in.

Thankyou for not judging me too harshly and thank you for your advice

OP posts:
GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille · 10/12/2006 12:47

you are lucky to have such a lovely dh

except you aren't you deserve him don't you

delighted for you, now let your relationship grow with trust and love between you

Troutpout · 10/12/2006 14:43

Oh i'm pleased

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 10/12/2006 16:10

So glad that you told him and have found an answer to it, however radical.

Not having enough money is really hard, and spending within your means when you don't have enough money is even harder.

Thank goodness it is going to be okay for you.