Done something stupid...do i tell him?

[selfishandstupid]

Ok really dont know what to do but know i have to do something.

Over the past 12 mnths i've got a large amount on my credit card which dh knows nothing about.
Now i dont have money to pay monthly payments and dh is going to find out.
He's going to explode, I've lied to him in the past about money and promised i'd never do it again but here i am again.
i'm not a good wife anyway and seem to be constantly letting him down...

how the hell do itell him i've done it again and even worse this time?
tbh think i'll just leave cant face it, i know i'm a coward but cant think of what else to do...

[waiting for backlash]

I wish I could knit!

SelfishandStupid wrote: "Thinking about it i think it wass giving up work and becoming a sahm that has triggered it and i've filled the void of work with shopping."

So, Xenia's post of "Another thread may be proving women should not give up work." follows perfectly logically.

Xenia didn't say all SAHMs are incapable of balancing the books. The OP said herself that becoming a SAHM triggered the problem.

Xenia is not (as far as I know) obsessed with the issue. It's just that her views are so radically different from those which are the norm on Mumsnet -- although they are probably not so unusual in RL.

There are plenty of women who work, overspend and have huge debts too so being a SAHM has nothing to do with it.

I was on maternity leave for 7 months and when I was bored, I did my knitting, read books, practised my German, improved by cooking skills, went out for walks etc. You need to find something that interests you and does not involve spending money frivolously. Turn it into a project and set yourself goals.

I'm glad it worked out for you

am, very well said, it was just an excuse to get out of the house. I'm so glad that people do understand how i got myself into this mess.

Desperately now need to find something to occupy my time apart from housework etc.....so all suggestions gratefully recieved. I love all sorts of crafts but again all cost money???

SAS, one of the things that I did, was to appraise myself of the different types of trees and birds in the UK. Now, when I go out walking with the boys, I can identify the trees, discuss the shape of their leaves, recognise birds etc. The DTS are now 2yo and they can instantly recognise magpies, blackbirds, pidgeons and coots[lol].

I'm naturally parsimonious so I appreciate that I don't understand the lure of the high street.

Craft doesn't have to cost a lot. What about doing it with your children - leaf printing, potato printing etc. My friend makes massive pictures with her two ds and uses dried pasta etc on lining paper. However, that it not my scene!

I like looking for recipes to cook. I sew, read etc. I don't buy any books full price. I visit charity shops. The most I spend is the Tesco price of £3.73!

She said giving up work made her spend more money and all I said was go back to work.
The person below who seemed to think ther child care costs should come out her salary... weird.. Children have two parents. Half those costs come off your husband's salary. They're his children. So if you look at it like that and maintaining a career you enjoy over 40 years where it helps to stay in the career then it may be treading water but it may be fun treading water to keep working and the expensive childcare part soon passes.

Agree with moz, that my views may not be the prevailing mn one but in the real world a lot more women think like that and many work when they have under 5s.

On saving money... yes, the more I work the more I earn and the less I spend.

On the interesting sex/dynamic issue of leaving men to manage money - and then being relieved they do, the men feeling better because it gives them that ego boost and then you coming a nice meal for them and presumably giving them sex, I suppose that works fine for a lot of couples, win win all round ( just not very feminist is it?). Too many women don't do their own tax returns and don't even know what investments the family has. Incredible.

I soo relate to this thread, having being that person. I too had large cc and was so embaressed to tell dh, that I wrote him a letter, he was soo lovely, and paid themn off.

Again I don't do cc any more, can't trust self.

why is it so incredible that women don't do their own tax returns or know what investments the family has? I would guess that I fit your feminist "ideal" in that I work full time in a senior position, took only short maternity leaves and out earn my husband. However, he does all the money stuff and I have absolutely no interest in it. We have enough and it's not something I find intrinsically interesting - I'm not sure he does either but in the division of chores he gets tax returns and I get supermarket shopping.

Xenia - If I earned £20k and spent £18k on childcare per annum (say), dh and I are only £2k in total better off per year, whether he pays half or not. Where I live, and the fact that I have been out of the job market for 6 years, I would only earn about £15k, so it is not worth me going out to work. Our weekends would be spent doing the cleaning, rather than having fun, as I would be too knackered during the week and dh gets in too late.

Simple economics. If it works for you to work, great, but you seem to have a very black and white attitude to these things.

I buy books at Amazon Market place - £0.01 plus P&P was the cost of my last purchase (Wuthering Heights).

Check out ebay, markets, Wilkinsons, Aldi, Lidl and charity shops for bargains.

Since the OP identified that over-spending was linked, for whatever reason, to giving up work outside the home, (and indicated that she doesn't derive much self-congratulation from her 'wife' role) it was a perfectly reasonable suggestion. But of course it should be worked out accordng to the wishes and circumstances of individuals.

I also think it is a fair point that childcare should not all be calculated against the woman's salary....if she stays in the workplace she is also clocking up pension, keeping abreast of salary and career - and may, depending on the individual, be happier. It isn't always just bald economics.

Anyway, SaS I hope you do get to the bottom of why you need to overspend, and feel that you are not a good enough wife, and can make yourself happier one way or another. Good luck!

SAHM does not equal no money, in the same way that not all WOHMs have pots of cash. I am a SAHM but have my own income. I hate this idea that SAHMs are all incapable of dealing with any financial situation and become gibbering wrecks the minute they leave work.

Agree

But it is worth you going back to work....agree with Xenia, your kids have two parents, so why not work out your contributions proportionally,( that's if he earns more than you he pays more towards childcare )...The gains would be so much more than financial for you and your kids...for a start your children would have a stronger more positive role model...your self-esteem/confidence/respect would all improve...Your story sounded so childish and demeaning, surely you do not want that for yourself / Or for your kids to see you behaving like that ? It just seemed to sum up for me why women should never ever go down that SAHM route...Perhaps you could work from home ? Rent out a room ? Go on a course ? Anything but the ' shopping-thru'-boredom the begging-for-forgiveness ' thing please...

True. Having no money and lacking an inclination to earn and spend it wisely are not traits which belong only to SAHM. There are WOHMs and WOHDs who have this same problem.

But, in this case, the OP actually said becoming a SAHM was the problem. So it isn't like people are haveing a go at SAHM without reason.

I must say I am not willing to give up being a sahm, i feel it would not be fair on my dc.
I will work out my problems in another way.
I am looking for some evening work at the moment.

I am fully aware of our financial situation and it is best for us for dh to handle it, i'm not bad with monyt because i'm a sahm, thats perhaps jusst exhaserbated the problem. I've always been able to shop for england but when i was working i simply didn't have the time.

I know its each to their own but i wouldn't feel right going back to work fulltime and putting my dc into a nursery or childminders

if it is finacial unfeasible to work because of the cost of childcare - and i do see that can be a problem , could you conside childminding - severla of my friends who were sahms and needed extra cash ( one for debt repayment !) have done htis, it enables htem to be at home for their LOs and contribute to family financies. I personally feel that it is underestimated how many women stay at home and feel bored and frustrated and maybe doing some form of work is good but it easy for the wohm on mumsnet who earn good salaries to forget that for many women working to pay childcare just doesn't add up. good luck with whatever you decide .

That's a great idea, mummydoc. You could stay home and look after your own kids and also bring in enough income to pay off the debt as well as paying a cleaner to come in and do the cleaning/laundry that you don't like doing.

What's being at SAHM got to do with it, really? The problems here are deceit and self-control.

There are women in all situations and walks of life, including many, many women in full-time employment with no dependents, who are spending themselves stupid on 'clothes and things'. According to the BBC/Company Magazine: 'Three-quarters of young women are in debt - with a quarter of those owing more than £15,000. Women in their late twenties have accumulated the most debt.' It's not just mums - it's universal!

Sticking to a budget - whether it's a huge monthly salary earnt just for yourself, or whether it's a budget agreed with your dp - is an essential skill that everyone needs and this psychobabble-excuse SAHM/Get to Work stuff is just tubthumping, soapbox, high horse irrelevant nonsense. Looking for something, anything, to blame in a situation like this is normal. But the truth is neither staying at home nor going to work actually makes anyone spend more. Deceiving a partner and then implying it's all a result of the circumstances of motherhood is a bit weak.

SAS address the deception - both why you're not straight with your husband, and your own self-delusion.

I understand the comments re spliting the cost of childcare. However, all dh's earnings go into the joint account, and when I worked, so did mine. We spend all money from that account too and have no money of our own. If we want personal items, we discuss spending the money, but are both relatively easy going, within reason. So, my point is valid. If I worked, as a couple, our joint account would be approximately £2k better off pa, and I would not be eligible for tax credits.

Added to that, I am now really enjoying being a SAHM as I have loads of friends and hobbies. I manage the house and also have time to spend on myself. I am in the lucky position that we have a fairly good disposable income too, so treats out are 'allowed'. I enjoy the fact that I am there for ds at all times.

My old job was stressful although fairly well paid. However, the people were horrible, so I don't miss the experience.

I didn't actually mention childminding although I do it myself and earn a very good wage (when adding in what I save on childcare i'm not far of DH's wage). But proper full scale minding like I do is not for the faint hearted and having done a fair few jobs in my time including resturant manager for a large busy resturant childminding is the hardest, it intrudes on your home and impacts on your children as much as them attending childcare.

But ' selfish...',is it fair to your DC to see you living your life like this ? If you got back into the workforce then they would see an entirely different side of you I'm sure...Why can't you handle money ? You are not a child,( even that does not prevent people from handling money well...my 6 year old is brilliant at budgeting !),and why wouldn't you feel right working fulltime ? It's a complete myth that children 'suffer' when their mothers don't provide 24hr presence.Your children would not, and it would do you the world of good too...Seriously consider it. I work fulltime, and always have, DH and are earn roughly same...we have 5 children, all under 7,and let me tell you cc bils are often rather high,( we are' different' spenders...), but it is entirely my affair when and how I pay them down.I would never consider having to behave the way you did in relation to my DH...It does give some ' evidence ',( ok fellow scientists it's v.anecdotal ! ) to my ' pet ' theory re'SAHMs, that they are stuck inthe psychic ' nursery ', a sort of ' grown up ' version of playing dollies...