DH is taking the piss

[Liv87]

DH and I both work (him FT me PT) we have a 2 year old DS.

Before I went back to work I was a SAHM for 18 months I had severe PND and nearly lost the plot. The loneliness and isolation was extremely difficult to deal with, we'd just moved to a new area and I would go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone other than DH - God it was awful. I felt suicidal, daily and still get a rush of panic every time I'm left on my own with DS for several days at a time.

DH spends a lot of time out of the house, he is either at work, at the pub, doing one of his hobbies or out socialising. Since I went back to work and I'm not longer as isolated as I was he has taken the opportunity to ramp up his social life and hobbies and also start working later and later - this annoys me because he doesn't get paid any extra and this is time he could be spending with us. He rarely spends any time with us as a family and I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to be part of our family.

This week he has worked 12 hour days, gone out for a meal and drinks with colleagues and gone to a friends birthday party which involved an overnight stay in London. He assured me he'd be back before midday. I sent several texts (ignored) and called twice (answerphone). When he finally called back and midday he said he'd be back 'this afternoon' as he was 'listening to music' and 'chilling out.

The last text he sent assured me he'd be back 'this evening' - I went fucking postal. He's ignoring me and he seems to be really enjoying his fun little game.

Talking to him, reasoning, writing letters does nothing to change his ways.

I'm so fed up of being treated like a skivvy 1950s housewife. I'm tempted to just walk out.

I hope it goes ok at the solicitor's today, OP. I'm rooting for you.

It's not so much he wasn't into having kids, it's that he's completely in love with the booze. It comes FIRST. Always.

As you have seen

Living with an alcoholic is hell, absolute hell.

book a weekend away for yourself. Tell him at last minute.

Hi Liv,
Just popping my head in to say that I hope you're ok.

Just popping in to say GO YOU!!!! What a happy future you have ahead without him.

Liv how are you?

Update from me - busy few days! Work has been hellishly busy.

Saw solicitor, didn't like the guy, found him very patronising. He said I'd need to have a 'compelling reason' why the court would grant a divorce. He also advised against pursuing a contested divorce (my husband will probably contest because he's petty).

Atmosphere still dreadful at home. I confided in a colleague who was incredibly supportive, we are going out for a coffee today so we can have a proper chat. She is a terrific listener and I don't feel quite so alone.

Onwards and upwards

HUrrah for RL support, boo to arsehole solicitor, go and find another one. As someone upthread said, the more you see, the fewer options your H will have because of conflict of interest. See them all!

So the solicitor thinks you should do what exactly?

Stay in a shit marriage because divorce might be difficult?

What a tosser.

Glad you have some RL support. Stay strong OP

Don't agree that anyone should have a 'compelling reason' not to divorce - but he's right about the contested divorce costing a fortune. A friend of mine tried to cite his DW for adultery - took her to court (with that as his reason for divorce) and engaged a barrister. Spent nearly £15K. She contested it.

He dropped the 'adultery' bit and went for 'irreconcilable differences'; divorce granted. At which point she admitted adultery...

If he contests it, more fool him. And more richer solicitor. You will get the same result in the end, eventually.

You can go for Irreconcilable Differences', but you do need to come up with some examples. I divorced my ExH because of his 'work comes first before you, kids, anything' attitude. I'm sure you have grounds, as he is not treating you as a partner in this relation ship.

There are other solicitors. This one just won't get your business.

KOKO

Good luck with another solicitor and enjoy the coffee. Life is going to get better and better for you.

Sod the patronising git.Take advce and comfort from your workmate and keep posting here.The vipers are wonderful women and great support.

Liv I've just caught up with this thread and I just wanted to say it's amazing how strong you're being. I'm so pleased you've got some rl support. It sounds like you've been through a terrible time. What an arsehole your stbxh is!

Get seeing a better solicitor! There are plenty! and for you and for your ds

I only read the first page of the thread, which made me so sad, and then I flipped to the last page to see you have made some great changes. I wish you the best of luck.

So what if your husband does contest the divorce? Judges these days take a much simpler view of what "unreasonable behaviour" looks like, so I think if you made a record of as many dates/times/behaviours as you can think of, the judge will be on your side. And after 5 years your OH cannot contest the divorce anyway, so it might take a little longer but so what? At least you will be away from the person who is dragging you down.

Solicitor sounds like a bit of a wanker - but others are available!

I'm really glad you're getting some RL support, especially with the atmosphere at home being so awful.

You can do this and you have the power to change things for the better. I promise you'll be happier without this cunt.

It is 2015. I doubt a judge is going to say, "nah, not going to grant a divorce, go back and try harder".

Of course your husband will be difficult. It's just something you have to get through. Better than getting through 40 years of a shit marriage and then one of you dying in order to be free of it.

Keep the end goal in mind.

Pleased to hear you have some real life support.

Just remember, when thing feel tough, that it will end and you and your DS can start making some really good memories for him to look back on. For you both to look back on.

Re the solicitor - was he actually a real qualified solicitor? He has told you utter garbage!

To divorce your husband you have to state a few things he has done that you find unreasonable and that make it intolerable for you to stay with him. His problems with alcohol will easily form the basis for this, and I am sure you can come up with a few others. So this would look like:
"DH gets so drunk he wets the bed, and I find this disgusting and intoelrable to live with."
"DH goes out and stays out all night without contacting me which makes me very anxious and worried and I find it disrespectful and intolerable to live with."
"DH has no sexual interest in me which has affected my self esteem."

Re contesting a divorce. The only way he can contest it is to say the marriage has not broken down irretrievably. If you say it has then he would have to PROVE that it hasn't. So, unless you were still having sex with him and living as man and wife, he absolutely cannot contest it successfully. He cannot contest it on the basis that he doesn't agree with what you have said about him.

Any solicitor that agrees to contest the petition for him would just be taking the piss and taking money off him.

Definitely see another solicitor.

Oh wanko solicitor!

As others are saying, see as many as you can.

Well done.

Sounds to me like that solicitor is a misogynist who thinks women should stay in their place and/or has issues which he is projecting onto you. Either way very unproffesional. Vote with your feet OP.

Sorry, but the solicitor is right

You need to find a compelling reason, which you already have (his lack of interest in the family and his alcohol problem) it is just a matter of phrasing the things correctly in the divorce petition so you can divorce by unreasonable behaviour otherwise the court may ask you to wait for 2 years.

As for the solicitor, it is important that you trust the one you choose, but remember that at the amount they charge for eac 6 minutes block, the solicitor shouldn't be your confident, counselour, friend or the person you need convince that you are right or the victim. Simply because it would cost you thousands of pounds.

My advice would be to get "The Which? Guide to Divorce" (order it from Amazon), have a hood read at the chapters relevant to yourcass and use the solicitor just to find out about the more complex things that are not covered by the Guide.

And maje sure that you use a solicitor member of Resolution First, who use a more conciliatory tone in the hope to reduce the damage caused by a divirce process and protect thecommunication between you and your STBexH. (Yeah, Iknow that you feel like not seeing him for a while, but communication had to be protected because you can only co parent your child properly when apart, if you are able to communicate with each other).