DH is taking the piss

[Liv87]

DH and I both work (him FT me PT) we have a 2 year old DS.

Before I went back to work I was a SAHM for 18 months I had severe PND and nearly lost the plot. The loneliness and isolation was extremely difficult to deal with, we'd just moved to a new area and I would go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone other than DH - God it was awful. I felt suicidal, daily and still get a rush of panic every time I'm left on my own with DS for several days at a time.

DH spends a lot of time out of the house, he is either at work, at the pub, doing one of his hobbies or out socialising. Since I went back to work and I'm not longer as isolated as I was he has taken the opportunity to ramp up his social life and hobbies and also start working later and later - this annoys me because he doesn't get paid any extra and this is time he could be spending with us. He rarely spends any time with us as a family and I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to be part of our family.

This week he has worked 12 hour days, gone out for a meal and drinks with colleagues and gone to a friends birthday party which involved an overnight stay in London. He assured me he'd be back before midday. I sent several texts (ignored) and called twice (answerphone). When he finally called back and midday he said he'd be back 'this afternoon' as he was 'listening to music' and 'chilling out.

The last text he sent assured me he'd be back 'this evening' - I went fucking postal. He's ignoring me and he seems to be really enjoying his fun little game.

Talking to him, reasoning, writing letters does nothing to change his ways.

I'm so fed up of being treated like a skivvy 1950s housewife. I'm tempted to just walk out.

It would be an awesome warning to all his douchbag mates if he got dumped after his hilarious treatment of you in front of them. Doubt they'd be in a hurry to publicly humiliate their wives when they phone up desperate to be relived from the hell drudgery of young kids.

Hi OP. This website can help give you an idea of what help you should be entitled to as a lone parent.

www.turn2us.org.uk

Op you deserve better

DH owns the house, I am not on the lease, I'm pretty sure he could evict me legally if he wanted to. This adds another layer of complexity. When he bought the house I wasn't working. We decided to put it in his name (I paid half the deposit) I am now regretting this but I was completely knackered and sleep deprived and awfully depressed. I wish we'd never moved here. I don't particularly like the house if I'm honest.

DaggerEyes - you summed it up perfectly. To me it alternated between drudgery and hell. I am a tremendously introverted person and I need a huge amount of personal space. I find childcare relentless and tedious. I love the bones of my son but I find him hard work.

DH knows I struggle, but I have soldiered on through a traumatic birth, PTSD, severe depression and endless, torturous sleep deprivation.

OP you need to take back some control here. I agree with PP that you need to see a solicitor as soon as you can manage that. Many will do 30 mins free of charge.

He will have to pay at least 15% of his net pay towards DS and possibly more depending on your joint financial situation. Only a solicitor will be able to fully advise you but please don't stay because of money worries. If you own the house then you may be able to stay there until DS is 18. I don't think DH will find it all so funny when he realises all this do you?

My blood was boiling for you when you said you could actually hear him taking the piss and laughing at you.

Who The Fuck Does He Think He Is?

If you take him back he will push you even further.

My exp was exactly like this, although probably not as bad as you describe. There were other factors which contributed to our break up (EA, bullying etc) but the main reason I left his was because he was a shit father who was never there when he said he would be.

I left the bastard, and I feel so much happier for it. No more resentment at waiting around for him to decide if he can be bothered to parent that day. I enjoy my time with DS so much more now (I think I had undiagnosed PND and ex's behaviour certainly didn't help me).

Basically, don't fear leaving him. Life doesn't have to be shit

P.S I am in Cheshire. I don't know if you are near? There are bound to be groups in your area if not. Does the town have a FB page?

"I feel like I might as well be a single mother. I couldn't afford it on my megre salary though.

Sadly I am billy no mates and have a pretty hands off family. In-laws are useless too. Some days it feels like me against the world."

Ahem... One thing that I found surprising was how little work I had to do and how more relaxed I was once DH moved out. I had obviously been coping on my own for far longer than I thought. Day to day tasks became a doodle once he moved out. It is sometimes more stressful to try to get someone to help than doing the things on your own.

I have been raising a child on my own for years, have no family in the country, which is in some way a blessing because they are often the opposite of supportive. Acquaintances turned out into fantastic friendships once I had more time for them and H was not around ruining it all with his me first attitude.

Financially, I wouldn't say it has been easy, but we are still better off because ExH was earning a lot of money but mostly spending it on himself, so nowadays I have one person less to take care of, tidy up after, and nag to be home on time.

IMO, exH never made the switch from single man to parent, he wanted to keep on with his life as if nothing had happened, he never changed even when I stopped picking up the pieces. Is your hubby like that?

If so, it may be a good idea to start preparing your exit.

As you are married, it does not matter who is on the mortgage/deeds, it will be considered an asset of the marriage so stay put!

Good luck, Liv.

It makes no difference whose name is on the house deeds if you are married, although you may need to register your status with Land Registry. Once you are married, it's all joint property, and the court will see your need to house yourself and DS as the priority.

Make that solicitor appointment and you will feel so much better equipped to deal with all this.

I am still suffering lingering PND - the only thing that helps is getting out of the house and having some proper conversation with adults. So the fact that he's rubbing it in my face that he's out socialising and I'm stuck at home has given me the rage. I'm shaking with it.

I don't fear leaving him per se, I'm not remotely afraid of him. He'd never lay a finger on me. I'm just overwhelmed by the idea of being on my own all the time and not being able to afford to give my son a good quality of life or how I would put food on the table and pay all the bills.

If you're married then you definitely need to see a solicitor because I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter whose name is on the papers when you're married, you're still entitled to half of it as it's an asset of the marriage.

Also, I don't think he can evict you and his child, because the child needs a home.

definitely see a solicitor

you are married, he can't just kick you out of the house. There will be bank records showing how much you paid - I would have thought you will get half the house? He will have to pay child maintenance. Other MNers will know about other things you will be entitled you.

You will be much better off without this a-hole.

if he does come back tonight or tomorrow morning, are there any galleries and museums nearby that are free of charge? They are good soothing places to go. Stately homes often aren't too expensive, any gardens around if not raining. If you have cinema money, maybe see Suffragette and take inspiration!

Oh God yes - TheTigerIsOut he's stuck in 2005 the glory days of university. He never stops talking about it.

He lives entirely in the past.

PS you really do need proper chat with adults - see if there's a single parent group or look on meetup for local groups?

Nope, your DH doesn't own the house. if you are married (and in England) the house belongs to both of you.

You are married. You have rights, regardless of whose name the house is in.

Before he comes back you need to find every piece of paperwork you can:
Payslips, bank statements, credit card statements, anything else pertinent to your family income and outgoings.

Contact womens aid for advice.

Do you have a joint bank account? Is there any chance he might change the password or empty it?

He sounds awful.

Honestly OP it sounds like he has trained you to think that he holds all the cards and has all the power, but actually, you do.

Please report back on the look on his face when you tell him what your solicitor has said

I know this is hard but you deserve to be happy.

See a solicitor ASAP and dump his puerile arse.
The only thing is, I don't think he'll be at all embarrassed by it - he'll just go back to being a single man without the "nagging" (as he'll put it to his friends). In fact, be prepared, if you stay in any kind of contact with any of his acquaintance, to discover that he twists the story to say that HE dumped YOU.

He is an utter loser, of course - but he's too immature to even see it that way, I reckon.

So sad for you that he couldn't transition to being a grown up. :(

Hey, it may not be PND. I spent quite a few years feeling emotionally fragile and feared that I was not going to be able to be on my own without feeling down. So when I realised it was going to end, I took the decision to accept every help available to deal with the looming depression that would come after it.

Guess what happned? I never needed ADS again, it was just as if the sun had come out. It was obviously my relationship what was making me miserable, not the hormones, parenting pressures or being so far away of my country. It was the relentless job of parenting an irresponsible selfish adult that was getting me down.

Do you have proof that you paid half the deposit?

It sounds as if he deliberately misled you over the purchase of the house.

TheTigerIsOut is spot on.

You might be surprised how much easier it is without the extra manchild in the house. When I finally dumped my useless feckless ex, everything was miles better, even though I was a single parent.

The house belongs to both of you if you are married

Thank you for all your messages, you are too kind.

I do miss adult company tremendously - work isn't really the same. I used to be a very outgoing sociable person. Lots of childless friends have drifted away since I had DS and suffering PTSD/PND as severely as I did made it very hard for me to meet new ones. This has contributed to the present situation where I am left at home because it seems I have nothing better to do.

Fiftyandfat - I have copies of statements in a joint savings account that show we both contributed to the deposit. I'm pretty confident that if the house was sold I'd be entitled to half. I wouldn't be able to get a mortgage on my own though.

I don't think I ever appreciated how much my life would change having a child. It seemed like a nice idea at the time. He's lovely and a really nice kid but God some days I wish I could go back and have a chat with myself. As soon as DH went back to work after paternity leave it was like someone slammed the door on my old life and I was transported back to 1950. I'm sure some other people have felt like this and it isn't just me.

I've given up my career, my friends, my body, my entire life for this manchild.

I think you'd be doing him a favour tbh. He can be single, and have a wicked ex wife to say cruel things about to his mates for laughs. it'll be the making of him. It's basically his destiny. Make it so.