DH is taking the piss

[Liv87]

DH and I both work (him FT me PT) we have a 2 year old DS.

Before I went back to work I was a SAHM for 18 months I had severe PND and nearly lost the plot. The loneliness and isolation was extremely difficult to deal with, we'd just moved to a new area and I would go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone other than DH - God it was awful. I felt suicidal, daily and still get a rush of panic every time I'm left on my own with DS for several days at a time.

DH spends a lot of time out of the house, he is either at work, at the pub, doing one of his hobbies or out socialising. Since I went back to work and I'm not longer as isolated as I was he has taken the opportunity to ramp up his social life and hobbies and also start working later and later - this annoys me because he doesn't get paid any extra and this is time he could be spending with us. He rarely spends any time with us as a family and I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to be part of our family.

This week he has worked 12 hour days, gone out for a meal and drinks with colleagues and gone to a friends birthday party which involved an overnight stay in London. He assured me he'd be back before midday. I sent several texts (ignored) and called twice (answerphone). When he finally called back and midday he said he'd be back 'this afternoon' as he was 'listening to music' and 'chilling out.

The last text he sent assured me he'd be back 'this evening' - I went fucking postal. He's ignoring me and he seems to be really enjoying his fun little game.

Talking to him, reasoning, writing letters does nothing to change his ways.

I'm so fed up of being treated like a skivvy 1950s housewife. I'm tempted to just walk out.

Oh, welcome to the rest of your lovely life!

Well done Liv, making the decision is so hard. It will get a bit worse before it gets better but I promise you, it does get a lot better and you've definitely made the right decision.

I'm surprised that nobody has yet asked whether there could be somebody else in his life. And I'm sorry to be the one to broach it, but going out all the time - ostensibly with workmates, staying out all night, delaying his return home rather than coming back when he originally intended, preventing you from knowing how his salary is spent. And in the male dominated atmosphere (yuk) of his work an affair would be a badge of respect.

Just a thought, but to my inexpert eyes the signs are there. I'm so sorry to read of a young wife and mother being treated this way. When we started a family (36 years ago) I couldn't wait to get back to my little family unit.

I just assumed he is fucking around, tbh

Well he has no apparent interest in sex with me. Apparently it's because I nag and I'm "always tired" go fucking figure I don't get a minute to myself and I'm totally touched out by a needy toddler.

Good update re. seeing the solicitor, OP. I think you'll feel soo much better when you've lost this millstone.

Bloody hell Liv, he's just worse and worse with every post!

You are going to be so much happier. I'm excited for you. Stay strong

I don't think you need the luck but I'll wish you good luck anyway
And keep hold of the anger for a while, it helps

more power to you.
dump this shithead and get all your entitlements.
you deserve so much better.

oh I'm glad your family are on side! Can they help with practical stuff?

if you can, I would be nice as pie this evening and go out first thing tomorrow. Don't mention divorce till you've seen a solicitor. That's just what I would do though.

I don't have anything else to add other than good luck

I know seeing it all written here in black and white has made me feel such a fool am presently crying into my wine.

DH came in and went straight to bed.

oh Liv, I'm sorry but honestly, happy days are coming without this git!

have you got any escapist DVDs to watch?

ExplodingCarrots - sounds like a band name.

You're not a fool, not at all. Stay here for the evening, we'll keep you company. What an arsehole.

I'm furious because I had planned a nice early night but now that smelly twat is sleeping upstairs I have to sleep on the sofa. I literally can't bear the thought of sharing a bed with him.

You are not a fool. To STFU and accept this would be foolish.

Just leave him there, carry on as normal, try not to give him the power over you.
Then when you are ready get a divorce, and make sure you get everything you are entitled too.

The fucker keeping all His money to himself whilst you where on Mat leave

Cross post

Take it easy Liv, divorces are like weddings, you need to plan ahead, save and prepare for your new life. There is no need for frontal confrontation until you are ready to leave, as he is not violent to you, so use this time to prepare your exit.

You leave, but only when you are ready. I disagree with the person who suggested a hobby to make up for your lack of hapiness (this is not the 1950's where you could feel fulfilled by baking the most wonderful cakes) but I think having a goal to work for would make a huge difference. So start by having a bit of soul searching on what you would like your life to be after divorce, and then work towards it.

He has a lover alright. The booze.

I'm so glad you're making a start to leave him.
You are lonely because of him. Not because you are not likeable. A 'partner' who behaves like him takes up so much head space you can't focus on what you need.
You will feel so much better soon. It will be up and down to begin with, but it will come good in the end.

Oh Liv I practically punched the air when you said you're starting divorce proceedings on Monday.

I would pay good money to see his stupid smug face when he realises you have out witted him.

You sound both lovely and very switched on. With the help of a hreat lawyer and the amazing support here you can build a great new life for yourself.

This has probably been mentioned already, but many solicitors do free 30 minute sessions. If you use the time wisely, you can start with one, then use subsequent sessions with other solicitors to build on the advice you're given.

If you really want to be a bitch then see as many of the local shit hot ones as you can - once they see you about divorce they cannot represent him.

Get all your documents and paperwork and certificates together. Bills, as much as you can. Keep them safe, perhaps you could give them to your family for safe keeping?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really am. But I promise that it will get better and you and Ds will have all the happiness you deserve xx