DH is taking the piss

[Liv87]

DH and I both work (him FT me PT) we have a 2 year old DS.

Before I went back to work I was a SAHM for 18 months I had severe PND and nearly lost the plot. The loneliness and isolation was extremely difficult to deal with, we'd just moved to a new area and I would go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone other than DH - God it was awful. I felt suicidal, daily and still get a rush of panic every time I'm left on my own with DS for several days at a time.

DH spends a lot of time out of the house, he is either at work, at the pub, doing one of his hobbies or out socialising. Since I went back to work and I'm not longer as isolated as I was he has taken the opportunity to ramp up his social life and hobbies and also start working later and later - this annoys me because he doesn't get paid any extra and this is time he could be spending with us. He rarely spends any time with us as a family and I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to be part of our family.

This week he has worked 12 hour days, gone out for a meal and drinks with colleagues and gone to a friends birthday party which involved an overnight stay in London. He assured me he'd be back before midday. I sent several texts (ignored) and called twice (answerphone). When he finally called back and midday he said he'd be back 'this afternoon' as he was 'listening to music' and 'chilling out.

The last text he sent assured me he'd be back 'this evening' - I went fucking postal. He's ignoring me and he seems to be really enjoying his fun little game.

Talking to him, reasoning, writing letters does nothing to change his ways.

I'm so fed up of being treated like a skivvy 1950s housewife. I'm tempted to just walk out.

Of course you have to have a 'compelling reason' to get divorced, which of course OP does have in the form of a list of totally unreasonable behaviours.

This means the solicitor was entirely wrong to try to put her off. OP has more than enough to go on.

Maybe one does need a 'compelling reason' but this phrase has never been used with me.

Op, in the free first half hour you can do all your ranting and your blubbing. Ime my solicitor was indeed my 'confidante' of sorts. I did a lot of the work myself once I found my feet but in those initial meetings I was a mess - precisely bcs i'm not a lawyer and i only had my unformed story to present at the outset. It was for the lawyer to make sense of it, put it in legally appropriate bundles.

Find a solicitor you click with. You have to feel comfortable and safe. A bit like a good pair of shoes, they have to be comfortable and fit.

I would think that not wanting to continue to be married to a person is a compelling reason to want a divorce.

Well yes, but that reason may take longer to complete the divorce.

Certainly his drunkenness and bedwetting would constitute unreasonable behaviour, as would his refusal to come home or to let his wife know where he is.

You will find as soon as he is out your life will become a whole lot easier. No more worrying about where he is, what he's doing, what state he'll be in when he gets home. No more pissing in your bed or being sick or making all sorts of other messes you probably have to clean up. No more putting him before your son.

Your relationship with your son will improve endlessly too - you will have much more time and energy to give him.

This man has been sucking up all your love. You are a caretaker. He sought you out. He is a taker. He took from you.

Financially, once you have him out and are a lone parent you can then get advice from the job centre and CAB to get tax credits etc. You might be entitled to housing benefit, but that will depend on how much you own/earn. All in all tho, it is a damn sight easier financially being independent from someone who is financially abusive. You will be in total control and if you make yourself a little spreadsheet with all ingoings and outgoings you will manage just fine.

All the talk he gives you about being controlling, a nag, not wanting sex because you are a nag, other women aren't like you etc etc is actually him trying to control you. It is almost word for word what I was told for years by my ex.

I would bet your depression has a lot to do with how he treats you. If you were neglected somehow (in terms of love) as a child it is likely you have taken a while to realise this is wrong because you are used to being put down/coming last. You might even think that you were depressed before you met him so it wasn't his fault.

However, I can tell you that now you have a child, once you have him out of your house, you can prove to yourself that when you are on your own you are amazing. Day be day you will realise that it really wasn't you. That you and your son are a great team and that putting up with the sniggering abusive twat was sucking the lifeblood out of you. Other people have made you feel worthless and now it is time for you to live.

Here's to your freedom! Come and join all of us on the other side of living with people who drain you!

I couldn't afford it on my megre salary though...

You wouldnt have to, he would have to contribute

Yes, don't forget there will be his contributions, possibly tax credits, all sorts. CAB will be able to help you work out what you might get.

Just wanted to say OP I think you are doing the right thing and your DH sounds like a child! He is right there is nothing wrong with a night out but there is something wrong with not coming home, taking the piss and going out all the time whilst not offering you the same courtesy! for you.

okay, might get flamed.....find a female solicitor, not a guarantee of good sense but just think it's a good idea in many situations, and this is one of them. Sorry if that's misandric but I even sought one out for house sale etc.

I really don't know what is the going solicitor rate nowadays, but when I was going through my divorce it was a about £18 for a 6 minute block, I'm sure you can access top of the range counseling for less than half so, as much as I loved my solicitor, I really was straight to the point with my questions and answers. I knew I didn't have to convince her of anything, looking at the things on paper she already knew how bad ex was, I suppose that if she could tell me exh's settlement offers where unfair, I didn't need to go into the minutiae of his arseness. I did my ranting and blurbing with my friends, who didn't charge me £1000s to hold my hand.

It is better to save the money for when you need it, because you will need it to start your new life. Talking about that, it may be a good idea to check entitledto.org.uk to find out whether you are entitled to some financial help to pay for nursery fees and support you in your first steps as an independent parent.