DH is taking the piss

[Liv87]

DH and I both work (him FT me PT) we have a 2 year old DS.

Before I went back to work I was a SAHM for 18 months I had severe PND and nearly lost the plot. The loneliness and isolation was extremely difficult to deal with, we'd just moved to a new area and I would go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone other than DH - God it was awful. I felt suicidal, daily and still get a rush of panic every time I'm left on my own with DS for several days at a time.

DH spends a lot of time out of the house, he is either at work, at the pub, doing one of his hobbies or out socialising. Since I went back to work and I'm not longer as isolated as I was he has taken the opportunity to ramp up his social life and hobbies and also start working later and later - this annoys me because he doesn't get paid any extra and this is time he could be spending with us. He rarely spends any time with us as a family and I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to be part of our family.

This week he has worked 12 hour days, gone out for a meal and drinks with colleagues and gone to a friends birthday party which involved an overnight stay in London. He assured me he'd be back before midday. I sent several texts (ignored) and called twice (answerphone). When he finally called back and midday he said he'd be back 'this afternoon' as he was 'listening to music' and 'chilling out.

The last text he sent assured me he'd be back 'this evening' - I went fucking postal. He's ignoring me and he seems to be really enjoying his fun little game.

Talking to him, reasoning, writing letters does nothing to change his ways.

I'm so fed up of being treated like a skivvy 1950s housewife. I'm tempted to just walk out.

Out if interest OP have you ever given him a ultimatum and said you quit drinking and going out and spend your time with us as a family or its over..??

I wonder who or what he would pick.

Well you'll be "getting off his case" soon enough won't you OP?

Check out your tax credits, see that solicitor and leave him to his hilarious pals.

I've given him an ultimatum several times. Especially regarding his alcohol consumption which I believe is excessive. I really do think he has a drink problem. He makes all the right noises but never follows through with anything. I've been spineless and not followed through myself. I suppose this has sent a clear message to him that he can do what he likes and I'll let it slide.

He is supposed to have been watching DS today. He's not taken him out, forgotten his breakfast and let him run riot around the house without supervising him properly. DH has now gone for a nap because "he's tired"

Diddums

My bank is being mean making me pay them back for my house! My boss nags me to be on time! My kids won't get off my case, keep asking for love 'n stuff!! Oh, wait, no....that's called FUCKING LIFE.

I was married to one of these.
I've heard every single one of those excuses, to the letter.

I could try and describe the relief at not living with this person anymore......but no words describe it sufficiently. Suffice to say 4 years later, I have not regretted my decision even fleetingly. Not even for a nano second.

Everything is awesome.

You sound like you've finally got his number. It's a relief when that happens. Don't look back, you'll be amazed at how different your life will be.

He will never ever change. My ex is now 40 and still exactly the same. It is just him, that's who he is.

And that's fine by me. I don't have to live or share my life with him so it's of absolutely no concern.

Little does he know how soon you'll be off his case! Good for you, OP.

If you think he has a drink problem, it might not be wise to leaving your dc in his care, unless you are absolutely certain he is sober (and not walking around still drunk from the night before where he will make poor judgements that may put your child at risk).

Do not confide in his parents. No matter how supportive or friendly or helpful they may seem. At the end of the day, they are his parents and will ultimately side with him.

Glad you have made the decision to divorce this arsehole.

You have given him plenty of warnings and now is the perfect time to follow through.

Good luck for tomorrow.

He won't change, he sees no reason too, only you can make your life and that of your child's better.

Have a look at al-anon when you've a minute. You've got a lot on your plate for the time being but when there's a space, take a look.

They're all the same. All that whining

I've been reading about codependency this afternoon. It's like a big lightbulb has lit up above my head. His whole life he's not been made to face any of the consequences of what he has done. People have always protected him from it, he's quite a needy and hard done by sort of person. I think he latched on to me because I am naturally a 'helper'

When the money situation is better I may look into some counselling for myself. I had a hideous time with my mother growing up (I can't say too much or I will out myself) and I think that has led me down the patch of needing to fix other people.

The more you write the more it sounds like he has an alcohol problem, which is a big part of his selfish behaviour. There's nothing you can do about that.

Can you get counselling through your job? A lot of large organisations now offer this service as the cost of having employees off with stress is so high. It's usually confidential so they won't know anything about it.

I also had a hideous childhood with an abusive mother, and it damaged my ability to develop normal boundaries with people. I am now really good at this. It's never too late to learn this skill OP.

Best of luck.

CoDA was hugely healing for me. Bravo for finding it - it is indeed a lightbulb moment. Made total sense of everything, plus gave me something to be getting on with iyswim, stopped me focusing too much on his unbelievable, endless shit (legit, mind, but oh so boring).

Seek out CoDA - codependents anonymous support group, see if there's a group in your area (worth traveling for). Al-anon of course addresses codependency.

All in good times tho!

"His whole life he's not been made to face any of the consequences of what he has done. People have always protected him from it, he's quite a needy and hard done by sort of person. I think he latched on to me because I am naturally a 'helper'"

Get out while you can, Ive wasted 7 more years than you.
It doesnt get better, you get weaker and less able to fight :(

Been following this thread and i am appalled by his treatment of you OP.

When you see the solicitor mention the financial abuse. He sounds like the sort that will actively try to dodge paying Child Support. If they are financially abusive in the relationship they are usually the same afterwards.

Agree with PPs Dont confide in his family no matter how they seem now because when it comes to the crunch and they realise you are going to see this through, they will turn on you.

Im very glad to see your own family are being supportive. Ive read of situs on this board so many times where the OPs own family tries to bully her into staying so it makes a pleasant change

OP, you seem extremely switched on.

No more ultimatums. Time for you to take action now, or our life will never change.

Op your thread could be mine, 10 years ago. My ex is an alcoholic, he'd disappear for weekends. Would manufacture rows before every bank holiday.

I realised that he wasn't doing it to puss me off, that was the result of what he did. I think he wanted the inevitable row it would cause, then we'd make up and he's not do it for a week or two. Then, out of nowhere he'd go in another bender

The reality will hit him when you don't do what you normally do. Break the cycle.

My ex hasn't had a drink for years now, he's a bigger arsehole now than he ever was.

He often tries to pick a fight we me so he can swan off theatrically for a 'walk' only to disappear to the pub. Sometimes not coming home until the very early hours of the morning. Halloween he went out for 'one or two' drinks and stayed out until 5.30am having kipper around a 'mates' house to avoid coming home. When I got up to resettle our toddler at 5am he wasn't home and when we got up for the day (about 6am) he was lying on the sofa and tried to pretend he'd been there all night to avoid waking me!

He's been utterly useless with DS today. Despite promising me some time to myself he's been asking inane questions ("should I make him lunch?") and pissing around on his smartphone all day or lying on the floor complaining about being tired.

I'll be glad when he goes back to work tomorrow, the atmosphere is horrid.

Oh Liv it won't change
After years of it I used to always have a contingency plan for bank holidays

He wouldn't come to anything we were invited to, he often hadn't got home. If we did go anywhere I'd be watching every drink he had, knowing that he'd be pissed by the end

What I didn't know at the time was the amount he was actually drinking. He'd always offer to buy rounds of drinks, and would neck shirts at the bar. That's why he was always so much more drunk than anyone else

He lost loads of jobs because he was hungover. He fell out with people all the time too

This is no way to live, Liv

and a very poor example to your DC

Awful isn't it? I've been quite the doormat for years. As for today I've decided not to ask him for any more help with DS, frankly he is so disinterested it hurts to watch. DS looked hurt and confused for most of the day and kept coming to look for me asking for things and cuddles. I cannot have my child sidelined and ignored as I was growing up. I can't bear it.

Do you know what DollyTwat I actually avoid going out in any sort of environment where he could get drunk. He's a horrid, slurring, mopey depressed drunk and I can't stand it. All the time we've been together he's not known when to stop, he will drink until he falls over and has pissed the bed more times that I can count. Vile.

I have absolutely no love or respect for this man. If I could go back and quietly engineer him out of my life (and still have my lovely DS) I would do it I a heartbeat.

it's not too late to show your son that is is better to be alone than badly accopanied

it's not too late to show your son that is is better to be alone than badly accopanied