DH is taking the piss

[Liv87]

DH and I both work (him FT me PT) we have a 2 year old DS.

Before I went back to work I was a SAHM for 18 months I had severe PND and nearly lost the plot. The loneliness and isolation was extremely difficult to deal with, we'd just moved to a new area and I would go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone other than DH - God it was awful. I felt suicidal, daily and still get a rush of panic every time I'm left on my own with DS for several days at a time.

DH spends a lot of time out of the house, he is either at work, at the pub, doing one of his hobbies or out socialising. Since I went back to work and I'm not longer as isolated as I was he has taken the opportunity to ramp up his social life and hobbies and also start working later and later - this annoys me because he doesn't get paid any extra and this is time he could be spending with us. He rarely spends any time with us as a family and I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to be part of our family.

This week he has worked 12 hour days, gone out for a meal and drinks with colleagues and gone to a friends birthday party which involved an overnight stay in London. He assured me he'd be back before midday. I sent several texts (ignored) and called twice (answerphone). When he finally called back and midday he said he'd be back 'this afternoon' as he was 'listening to music' and 'chilling out.

The last text he sent assured me he'd be back 'this evening' - I went fucking postal. He's ignoring me and he seems to be really enjoying his fun little game.

Talking to him, reasoning, writing letters does nothing to change his ways.

I'm so fed up of being treated like a skivvy 1950s housewife. I'm tempted to just walk out.

Don't leave the house. Register your right to be there with the land registry you can start that today

Actually Liv, you can have my first LTB. He has been financially and emotionally abusing you for years. Get out and regain your sanity. People here will support you x

I didn't know I could do that ChristinaParsons thanks for the tip. I will do that tonight.

I have just messaged a few old friends asking if they are free for a catch up. There is a lady at work who is friendly to me and looks like she'd be wicked fun after a few gins. I may ask her if she wants to go out for a drink after work. I do need to take the initiative and be more assertive.

Apparently DH is on his way home. We will need to have a serious talk once DS has gone to bed

I may get terrifically pissed this evening and refuse to get up in the morning.

Ok, so anything up to 70% of the marital assets is not unusual for a spouse with a small child when getting divorced. 15% of the non resident parent's income is the usual starting point for maintenance.

I really think you've done all the talking. It's painful to read tbh, I can't imagine how painful it must be for you, banging a door until your hands are bloodied. He just isn't interested.

I also had severe 'PND' but I knew it wasn't. Well, it could've been a bit, who knows, but I knew it was predominantly Bad Marriage depression. I LTB . it was absolute BLISS. As a pp said, it was a doddle. Compared to living with him.

Imo you have been financially and emotionally abused. No wonder you got so low.

Don't waste one more word on him. Action now.

Haha, he's employed, records of salary, he's going to get a shock. It's going to be expensive for him - serves the bastard right with the torture he's put you through.

Imagine having money, somewhere great to live - that's what you're going to get with the marital assets. With 12st freed from around your neck. Yay!

Make sure you move before ds gets settled in school or even nursery - bcs it's much harder to move after that. Choose where you want to go, make it your project, you can go where you like!

Make that your project, not talking to him. Please. You've said it all, over and over - so painful!

Before you get terrificly pissed tonight - GET ALL YOUR PAPERWORK FOUND AND HIDDEN!

Think it is the HR1 from you need.

Form even!

And don't leave the house until your right has been registered. Makes things more complicated

OP was this child planned? He sounds really resentful of the responsibility of marriage and parenthood.

Irrelevant because these manboys don't change. You really need legal advice asap.

Also you seem reluctant to change lest you be more isolated and lonely but - how could that be? You seem to get no pleasant companionship from him anyway. Don't blame the town or the company - they couldn't sway him into being an abusive ass if he were not already so inclined.

The sniggering and disappearing would be the final straws for me, tbh.

DS was planned but neither of us realised how much it would change our lives. I'm just one of those naive people who thought he would change and grow up a bit. He's got worse, he resents family life I think.

This is not the first time he's disappeared. He frequently stays out all night when he does go out. Never messages me to let me know where he is. For all I know he could have fallen in the river!

I'm also beginning to suspect he has an alcohol problem. He drinks far more than I do and socialising always involves gallons of booze.

That's not naive to expect him to change! You're both married, you both had a baby. Bog standard stuff.

He's put you through hell.

And I'm not projecting! I didn't have these problems in my marriage, I had other problems.

Yes mine was tight fisted too. I had MY cousins wedding, he bought himself a lovely new suit and I had a tenner for a dress! Posh wedding aswell.

I am much better off financially (and all round) being a single parent!

pp is right
paperwork first
piss up after!!

sniggering, ugh.

glad you have contacted people.

Christ, he's awful.

One thing really pisses me off on threads like this where people say "have a day off tomorrow" - often you just want to spend time with your partner, not go off to some random place on your own. The OP wants adult company and he's never there - I don't think the solution to that is a day on her own (though she might want that occasionally, too.)

OP, go to see a good solicitor. He's completely out of order in every single way. You will be less lonely without him, you know. Move away from the house and the town if you don't like it there. Move somewhere where you'll be happy.

He's such an idiot, this man. He's about to lose everything.

Hi Liv,

You deserve a lot better than this. You sound like you would make a great team with your DS. I am sure you will feel much more able to cope once you are no longer living with this man who drains you of confidence. He is selfish, lazy and tight. And a sexist git into the bargain. I am spitting teeth on your behalf. His behaviour towards you and your son is despicable.

On a practical level, do go to a solicitor to help you register your interest in the house. Yes, it is half yours because it is a marital asset, BUT because it is only his name on the deeds, he could theoretically get a loan or second mortgage on the house without having to tell you. Make sure your interest is recognised. If you register officially an interest in the house, the Land Registry would have to flag up your interest if he tried to raise a loan. Just a thought. No point in having 50 per cent of a house that is re-mortgaged to the hilt. If he is calculating about money, then this could happen.

Good luck.

Back of a fag packet calculation says he would have to pay you around £400 per month CM (15% of net take home of just over £40k gross) Plus half of any pensions he has, or you could offset that against a higher percentage of the house equity. I did that and get 75% of equity. I don't have to sell the house until youngest DC is 18, but XH name has to stay on mortgage as I couldn't afford it on my salary. This is called a mesher order.

I appreciate you may wish to move anyway, and everyone's situation is different, but I am sharing this info so you can see that you DO have options without him, and you CAN survive if you split.

You say you work part time, so you have a look at the tax credit calculator too. You don't include maintenance payments when calculating tax credits, and it will be based purely on your income. You can also claim extra to offset your childminder. This link will take you there and you must remember that the figure is the amount you would get between now and the end of march, so just divide by 4.5 for a monthly figure.

All of this will take your mind of things and should hopefully help you see a way forwards.

Best of luck OP

You're going to be MUCH better off than you seem to think. Very pleasant surprise when you see a solicitor and see what you're entitled to.

But hush now, don't show your hand until all your ducks are in a row. Ie PAPERWORK. Get all evidence ready before you show your hand.

I appreciate this seems shocking but, really, this man is totally shafting you. You have paid a very high price.

Evidence ready and squirreled away.

He's not your friend.

Walk out the door with an overnight bag the moment he walks through it. Do not tell him where you are going or answer and texts or calls from him.

Give the fucker a taste of his own medicine.

After a very long and shitty day DS is finally in bed and I can breathe. DH is still not home he has presented several lame excuses as to why, each one wildly different from the last. He has also stopped "for a quick drink" on the way home.

I will be instructing a solicitor to start divorce proceedings on Monday morning.

I am done. I'm not even going to discuss it anymore. He's had many chances and my patience has run out.

I have spoken to my family. They are supportive and actually told me they don't particularly like him.

Wish me luck

Well done OP, you are worth so much more than him.

I wish you luck.

But I don't think you need it.

You know he is a useless piss taker.

Any man who acts like this is no family man. he doesn't deserve you and your dc.