DH is taking the piss

[Liv87]

DH and I both work (him FT me PT) we have a 2 year old DS.

Before I went back to work I was a SAHM for 18 months I had severe PND and nearly lost the plot. The loneliness and isolation was extremely difficult to deal with, we'd just moved to a new area and I would go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone other than DH - God it was awful. I felt suicidal, daily and still get a rush of panic every time I'm left on my own with DS for several days at a time.

DH spends a lot of time out of the house, he is either at work, at the pub, doing one of his hobbies or out socialising. Since I went back to work and I'm not longer as isolated as I was he has taken the opportunity to ramp up his social life and hobbies and also start working later and later - this annoys me because he doesn't get paid any extra and this is time he could be spending with us. He rarely spends any time with us as a family and I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to be part of our family.

This week he has worked 12 hour days, gone out for a meal and drinks with colleagues and gone to a friends birthday party which involved an overnight stay in London. He assured me he'd be back before midday. I sent several texts (ignored) and called twice (answerphone). When he finally called back and midday he said he'd be back 'this afternoon' as he was 'listening to music' and 'chilling out.

The last text he sent assured me he'd be back 'this evening' - I went fucking postal. He's ignoring me and he seems to be really enjoying his fun little game.

Talking to him, reasoning, writing letters does nothing to change his ways.

I'm so fed up of being treated like a skivvy 1950s housewife. I'm tempted to just walk out.

Then don't give up one day more

Obviously you cannot change your life immediately, but let this day be Day 1 of getting some dignity for yourself and taking the first steps to find a way to make this work as a single parent

Millions of women do it, why not you ?

I believe, from listening to friends with this experience, that one of the things that helps being a single parent easier to manage is the change in expectations. Because you're on your own, you know you have to do it all, and you plan and deal with it accordingly.
Whereas all the while you have a feckless loser H, you have a constant hope that he will actually step up and help out - followed by constant disappointment when he doesn't.
Once that's all gone, life becomes a lot calmer and easier!

I agree completely with tiger
After years of feeling down and being treated horribly, I finally summoned the courage to take the steps needed to become a single parent. It was the best decision I ever made. The relief afterwards was huge. Yes, it's tough. But not having to constantly walk on eggshells or do everything I had been doing for him made it all worth it. I felt like a different person afterwards.

Go and see that solicitor OP and as another poster said, dig out any paperwork you can, you'll need to be prepared.

Your problem is not your toddler.
Your Ds will grow. He will go to nursery, to school, you will be taking him to various places and activities, you will make friends. You will gradually be able to work more hours, things will get easier - or at least the challenges will change.

Your H should have, and should be, supporting you through this stage. He is the cause of your PND, your anxiety and your isolation.

I am really that he put the house in his name when you paid half the deposit. How dare he?

yep - LTB.
gather together all paperwork and get some legal help.
he'll never change, because they never do.

Yes I agree fiftyandfat - We arranged the mortgage through a broker and as I wasn't working at the time the implication was that unless I was responsible for paying some of the mortgage I couldn't go on the deeds. This probably wasn't the case but I was made to feel like this was a good reason for him having a sole mortgage IYSWIM? I do feel a bit swindled and exposed now though.

DS is a typical toddler boy, I'm enjoying the toddler stage more than the baby stage. TBH I think I'm better with older (i.e verbal) children. I've no doubt that he will get easier as time goes on. I also have a very good childminder who is worth her weight in gold.

I've noticed a huge change in DH's attitude since he started working at a new job (after we moved to a new area) - old fashioned company, very male dominated. All the men work unnecessarily long hours, many of them are divorced and/or persistent childcare dodgers. It's really changed him as a person and he seems to have less respect for me since he started working there.

Ha, I occasionally get that problem with my DH too Liv - he's Australian and we live in Australia, mostly he's good about sharing stuff but whenever he's been away on conference with a bunch of other Aussie blokes (and the company and clients are very "blokey") then he comes back in a far more 1950s MCP frame of mind, that can take a couple of days to dissipate.

Sad how easily led they are by their peers, really. Sheep.

It's also frequently used as an excuse as to why he can't help with childcare arrangements. His boss genuinely believes that is 'wimmins stuff' (his actual words).

Also my job isn't a 'real job' - well actually it is and a lot of people count on me and seem pretty happy with my work.

Its this town, there's something weirdly old fashioned about it and all the people that live here. I'd really like to move.

Liv87 - you were misled about the mortgage.

I was a SAHM when we moved for DH's job. Our house is, and always has been, in joint names. My DC were 2 and 5. I didn't go back to work until the younger one was 3.

I think your H sounds like a manipulative person TBH.

If you separate, you could sell the house and you could move to somewhere of your choice. You might find that your life would be easier.

I think you are right, this is something I will raise when I speak with a solicitor. I think he has conned me.

Sorry to drip feed but I've remembered something else that bothers me which we have discussed but gone round in circles about. We have separate bank accounts. I do not have access to his bank account. Whilst I was a SAHM I had no income. NONE.

He paid all the bills and I got not one single penny from him the entire time I was at home with DS. I lived on my dwindling maternity pay then on scraps of income from some sporadic freelance work I did. It was grim. When I challenged him he said we didn't have much money and he could only just afford the bills and car/petrol. All his bank statements are electronic so I don't know what is coming in and going out. He often orders things for his hobbies and spends quite a lot of money on alcohol/socialising so we can't be that hard up.

I got really cross about this and eventually brought home some paperwork from the bank to get myself added to his account as a joint account holder. He kept putting it off and putting it off. Eventually I found the paperwork hidden in a drawer.

It isn't so much of an issue now as I have my own salary but its very much a 'his money' sort of attitude. He is totally against shared finances like he's trying to protect himself or something.

You sound lovely Liv and absolutely more than capable of coping on your own with your dh just paying money for ds rather than being a present arse.

If you don't mind saying what broad area you are in there maybe some mnetters who can suggest some local meetups.

He sounds worse and worse.
You need legal advice asap.

Does he hide his payslips/statements?
Any chance you could have a root around?

If you know his company and job title you could probably do a bit of googling and get an idea of his basic salary.

Legal advice. Pronto.

This is financial abuse.

It's a LTB from me

Who pays for the food, bills, clothes for ds etc op? Who pays/paid for the nappies etc?

You can register your interest in the property with the Land Registry. I'm not sure if this is the correct link but look here: www.gov.uk/stay-in-home-during-separation-or-divorce

He definitely sounds financially abusive. If you've already tried to change things and he's not coming around, then I'd be inclined to cut my losses. I know that's easier said than done and it can be absolutely shitty but you need to change the situation for your son.

Sounds like my ex!

I would move now rather then later. Move to a different area, before your DS gets tied to school. Rent somewhere, you'll get help with your rent, council tax and get extra tax credits. Plus child maintenance which he has to pay by law.

He sounds very selfish and immature. How old is he?

If you're so unhappy, maybe being a single parent will be better. It is far better for me. Better to do it now when your DS is so little, my kids suffered so much at first because they were older.

Liv - you can live anywhere. Anywhere you choose.

You can choose to start again.

You can choose to let your son grow up in a world where your DH behaves like this, and it's 'normal'.

Or you can choose not to.

It's not easy, but you can ALWAYS choose! Honest. I learnt it the hard way too.

I wish you all the very best.

He's in his early thirties. Still 21 in his head.

He has a good job, his salary is in excess of £40k a year. He's always been pretty tightfisted. His father is the same (long arms and short pockets)

Whilst on maternity leave I paid for my DS clothes and some of his toys. He bought the monthly food shop which included nappies and wipes. I often did top up shops to replace food etc. This swallowed all my money. I was so depressed as I had no money to spend on myself. Everything was for the baby or food for the house. My family were upset that I had no new clothes and seemed to have nothing for myself.

He wasn't really splashing cash on himself. Mostly just alcohol. He also lied about giving up smoking and I discovered he'd been smoking at work and in his car.

Woops that should be short arms and long pockets HAHA

Liv, I know I am a lone voice here, but I don't think it's as simple as so many here are saying. You have been through an enormous amount with the traumatic birth, PTSD, PND, moving house and feeling suicidal. You say you have gone from being really social to very introverted. In your shoes I would speak to your husband first calmly and discuss his reluctance to join in family life/work as a team, I would look at getting a hobby of your own (exercise might be good for helping you feel better), and try and get back some of your old life. If you feel better it will be easier to make decisions and manage. Were you married/together long before your DS came along? Could you (if you want to) get things closer to how they were before. IMO having in the last 2 years been through so much and having become introverted and isolated from friends/support network I would not want to make a decision to end my marriage in circumstances where you may end up even more lonely and isolated. I would set a timetable to try and get you happier and your husband involved more. If in another 6 months you feel the same then leave. Maybe you could use that time to save some money and make friends so if you do end the marriage you have support. You've been through so much. Don't make a rushed decision. I hope I have understood the facts/position correctly.,

OP - would you consider getting in touch with old friends? I don't have kids, it can be hard to know when you're being a help or a hindrance when a friend has any issues with a new baby. I do the opposite of drifting and may be come on a bit strong wtih offers of help but I'd always rather that than any friends feeling I had neglected them.

I had a close friend who had a different issue in that she found out her hubby was cheating on her about 5 weeks after giving birth - the combined fallout meant she lost touch with people and I remember her expressing her nervousness about getting back in touch with them but many were happy to see her so it could be worth a try?

and where you live sounds a bit strange..? Maybe you should move.