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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ready to cave in & need some help

164 replies

Wibhay · 14/11/2015 12:05

Hi I'm sure a lot of you have read a previous post ..Need your advice.
I've recently broken up with someone and although everyone is saying it's the right thing and I agree I'm finding it so hard. I'm sitting here blaming myself and keep picking up the phone to call him and apologie. It's like I'm out of control and can't help myself. Sorry to post on here it's just I have very few friends and don't know how to stop myself. :(

OP posts:

kerbs · 19/11/2015 22:13

You deserve an endurance medal for putting up with that crap.

How come he wanted to buy a place with you if all that's true. He's projecting his issues onto you, he's annoyed that you wriggled off the hook.

He's an utter arse and that's one arse that shouldn't be sitting in your new car.

What happened with his kid's mother by the way?

Original poster

Wibhay · 19/11/2015 22:53

Well I know there are 2 sides to every story and I'm certainly not hear to bad mouth her. By all accounts I think they had a bit of a volatile relationship, she would throw glasses of wine over him and he threw a plateful of food at the wall once... Anyway it's irrelevant but makes me feel slightly better as I certainly never would do either...He did leave her as apparently they weren't getting on. She has since found herself a new partner who she has had another baby with and they all live quite happily together (the new baby sharing a room with the son) but they ar in a housing association house so maybe that's why. One thing that did used to annoy me was She would text him at silly hours of the night about trivial things like the boys football training which was the following week. It would get to me because it was interrupting our evenings together and she would always add silly little emoji on the end. Also if she ever had words with him about anything I would be on the receiving end from him because he would be pissed off. Right I'm going to stop now because I can feel myself going again what I said about not bad mouthing but I'm sure you get the idea

OP posts:

Handywoman · 19/11/2015 23:01

More for the lovely Wib

You're doing ok. You really are. Keep leaning on your wise and perceptive friend. Keep firmly blocked and in the past and have an unMumsnetty hug.

IDependOnCodeineToo · 19/11/2015 23:04

Its funny how these twats always have 'nightmare' ex wives. Its never anything to do with them that the relationship broke down.

Wibhay you'll get through this storm, just do it a minute at a time. This man is vile, I feel it in my bones, even just through this thread!

Original poster

Wibhay · 19/11/2015 23:09

They were never actually married even though they were together 17 years. He also claims he didn't have a say in either of his children so obviously he has a problem with commitment. His ex never worked a day in her life by all accounts so I thought he would have been happy to have someone like me who has 2 bloody jobs. Oh well :(

OP posts:

IDependOnCodeineToo · 19/11/2015 23:18

There really is nothing you could have 'done' or become that would please him. In fact, he probably preferred you 'imperfect' in his eyes so that he could exercise control over you and make you feel bad about yourself!

The issues are with him, no amount of apologising or adapting yourself will make it better. Leave him to take his path in life, in a few months you won't care one bit, in a few days you'll start to see some light.

I expect you're grieving for the life you had planned with him - totally normal and expected. But that was a fantasy, the reality would have been a life of worsening abuse, isolation, being treated as though you're irrelevant, and a baby that wasn't wanted by it's father and that was born with all sorts of conditions attached.

You can't feel it right now, but he's done you a massive favour, he's shown you early on what you had in store.
You're free, its a blessing, celebrate

tipsytrifle · 19/11/2015 23:26

If you are going to accept this ending of a shockingly abusive relationship I think you might consider some counselling. You're way too accepting, passive, self-blaming (and therefore self-negating.)

You have a wonderful independent future ahead of you, enviably so compared to many who are so trapped financially. You may not be hugely wealthy but you have the means to give yourself a wonderful life. Do that.

Anyone else you let into YOUR space needs to be aware of the boundaries you need to learn and deploy. Anyone else you let into your space should be enriching, nourishing and a delight to YOUR space.

You can try and take some blame if you like on the basis that spiritually we're all connected bla-de-bla ... believe me I used to be right in there with collective responsibility. But it's a con. It's women false-believing they have to waste themselves and the gift of Life on Idiots. He's an Idiot. You are YOU. Own yourself. Please.

CakeMountain · 20/11/2015 02:58

That was mean AnyFucker

OP, it's funny, what with you being such a nasty, spiteful, vile person, that he wanted to share a house with you. Oh wait ...

He's just being a baby - glad you blocked him

Original poster

Wibhay · 20/11/2015 16:54

I hope your right cake mountain. I'm trying so hard but I don't think there's an hour that goes by when I don't think about him :( crazy I know.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/11/2015 02:27

Are you really thinking about him?

Or are you thinking about the relationship you wish you had that he can't give you?

Are you thinking about how it is unfair that he is saying you are bad person when you know you are not?

Those are sensible things to be sad and angry about. Let yourself be sad and angry for a while. Nowt wrong with that. Trying to stop the justifiable sadness and anger by getting back with him would be wrong though.

Suddenlyseymour · 21/11/2015 10:35

Do let us know who this prize twat is so we can avoid him! What an unpleasant shit of a man, you need to stop thinking "what did i do wrong? Is it me? Is he right?" To "fuck that, what a bell end he was, bullet dodged, new car"!

Original poster

Wibhay · 21/11/2015 17:07

Thanks suddenlyseymour that did make me laugh. I seem to be going in circles with my thoughts. One minute I think phew bullet dodged and then later on I blame myself and wish I could change things. I guess it just takes time x

OP posts:

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 23/11/2015 17:39

It sounds as though blaming yourself is a habit you have got into, heavily encouraged by your ex.

Does it matter who is at fault though? It was right and it wouldn't have worked, and you were the one strong enough and clever enough to recognise that and end it. That's all.

ThisOldFool · 02/12/2015 23:11

Wibs, You've had a lucky escape. Your 'beloved' is highly toxic and once he'd milked you of the £80,000 he'd dump you He's sucked you dry into believing there's something wrong/bad/useless with you and IT AIN'T TRUE. in my previous post I advised you to dump him and I repeat my advice. You and he are going nowhere - cut your losses before you lose £80,000 as well.

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