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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ready to cave in & need some help

164 replies

Wibhay · 14/11/2015 12:05

Hi I'm sure a lot of you have read a previous post ..Need your advice.
I've recently broken up with someone and although everyone is saying it's the right thing and I agree I'm finding it so hard. I'm sitting here blaming myself and keep picking up the phone to call him and apologie. It's like I'm out of control and can't help myself. Sorry to post on here it's just I have very few friends and don't know how to stop myself. :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Wibhay · 14/11/2015 14:45

I just know I can change and that I've been in the wrong

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/11/2015 15:04

huh ?

definitelybutter · 14/11/2015 15:07

hugs

Think about how he wasn't willing to listen to your valid concerns. You know that if you go back there is a good chance you would never have a child and any child you had would come significantly lower in priorities than his current children. Your child would be the poor relation.

Honestly, look up mumsnet classics.

Keep posting.

AnyFucker · 14/11/2015 15:07

ok...this is your future

You basically house him and his kids. He finds excuse after excuse to not have a baby with you. He increasingly, because he knows he has you trapped, treats you badly. You feel you have so many sunk costs that you have no option but to take it. You waste your childbearing years and your money on all this crap. You might get so desperate you have an "oops" baby, thus foisting a reluctant father on a child. He will probably leave you when your money and patience is finally spent.

If this is acceptable to you, carry right on.

ignoringthechoc · 14/11/2015 15:07

Why should you have to change, you seem to be a nice, thoughtful, successful person who had her shit together before he came along? If that isnt enough for him, find someone else who appreciates your qualities and doesnt want to change you.Mostly appreciate yourself, put yourself first because he isnt and wont. Don't realise 14 years down the line like I did that you have spent so long being what he wants that you have lost yourself. By the way, I had all the feelings you have initially but am now getting back to me and its great, dont settle for second best just because of a biological clock possibly ticking, who knows whats round the corner, enjoy life on your terms x

Original poster

Wibhay · 14/11/2015 15:12

I just can't imagine myself with anyone else the thought of it makes me want to break down and cry. I know it must be soo trusting for you all to read this that you want to pick me up and shake me. It's my emotions they are just running wild at the minute :( :(

OP posts:

definitelybutter · 14/11/2015 15:18

Wibhay This is how you feel now but it will pass. If you get enmeshed in this mess then it won't pass. It will carry on, and there will still be the despair and the worry. Knowing how unimportant you are to people who you have built your life around is soul destroying and it never, ever fully lets up.

ThreeRuddyTubs · 14/11/2015 15:27

Write down a list of things he did that you didn't like. Things he said that made you feel shitty. Use it to strengthen your resolve. This is a phase you have to go through.

You will not feel like this forever, it will pass and you will be happily single

SanityClause · 14/11/2015 15:34

Remember "this too shall pass".

In a few months time, this strong emotion will be a thing of the past.

You can do this.

AnyFucker · 14/11/2015 15:36

Come on love. No man is worth this. You know it/

Lacoba66 · 14/11/2015 15:38

i just know I can change and that I've been in the wrong

OP, that is one of the saddest statements I have read on here.

Maybe, you're not ready to look after yourself, but don't ever assume that he has your best interests at heart- because he doesn't.

lborgia · 14/11/2015 15:55

Where are you? Right now? I didn't see the last thread but presume you can afford to leave the house. Do it.
Go and put some shoes on.
Put on a coat.
Get your bag.
leave your phone at home
Get in the car/walk to the bus/train/hail a cab /ride a scooter. .MOVE. out.of.there.
Go to the shops
When they're closed, go to a 24 hour supermarket.
Take a basket - you don't want a £200 bill from a trolley of stuff
Walk slowly down past international food. Look for things you've never tried before.
Go slowly down the toiletries aisle.
Sniff bubble baths.
Sniff shower gels.
Look at face masks and other fluffy crap.
Perhaps buy something.
Perhaps not.
Maybe your favourite ready meal--or something else nice to eat.
When you just can't stay out anymore, go home, check your phone to see that he still hasn't called, eat food whilst watching something stupid (but not reality shows, something with no emotional stuff ).. if you're not tired out have a very hot bath or shower (possibly with some new smell from the shops ).
Put on some clean jamas or other clothes (laundry may not be your priority right now)
Go to bed.
You should be knackered.

Wake up in the night and check phone and feel crap and do this several times probably.

In the morning go back to top of list but plan for whole day out with library/book shop/place of tourist value, something.

Repeat for several days. You are going through detox and you have to take it one minute at a time. Fill those minutes.

Good luck

category12 · 14/11/2015 16:01

You're not wrong. He wanted a house for him and his kids, that you paid for, far from your family and maybe then he'd compromise and have a baby with you.

Don't go asking him back, this misery will pass and you'll be able to move on.

mix56 · 15/11/2015 07:54

the point is, he hasn't asked YOU back. He may come round once he realises you are serious, but for now, he is throwing a strop. Nice

Suddenlyseymour · 15/11/2015 08:50

Did this all involve £80k? YOUR £80k? Had you gone ahead with it, dear god - he's a con artist.

Pp are right, you are going through a kind of withdrawal and it does extreme things to the emotions. Guaranteed you will feel so much worse if you contact him. Hands the power over to him, and if he didn't respond, you'll feel even worse as well as kicking yourself

Original poster

Wibhay · 15/11/2015 13:37

Thanks everyone for your views :) I haven't caved in yet X

OP posts:

rollmeover · 15/11/2015 13:42

Well done - see you do have strength!

Just think about not contacting him today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Original poster

Wibhay · 15/11/2015 14:04

Thanks rollmeover :)

OP posts:

mix56 · 15/11/2015 17:20

every day will get better, slowly but surely

Handywoman · 15/11/2015 17:48

Google 'Abiola's love class' and 'dating detox'

It's on madamenoire.com

Read that page.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2015 18:07

One hour at a time, one day at a time.

Original poster

Wibhay · 15/11/2015 18:59

Every hour seems like a bloody day :(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/11/2015 19:28

It will do. But it's one more hour towards being totally free of him.

ModernToss · 15/11/2015 21:36

I read your previous thread, Wibhay, and hoped it wasn't you when I saw the title of this one. Please stay strong and don't contact him - you will really, really regret it once you're trapped. You deserve much better. I know it's agony now, but honestly it won't last. One day at a time.

Original poster

Wibhay · 15/11/2015 21:50

I just am gutted because he hasn't contacted me. I guess that just proves he didn't love me :(

OP posts:

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