Ready to cave in & need some help

[Wibhay]

Hi I'm sure a lot of you have read a previous post ..Need your advice.
I've recently broken up with someone and although everyone is saying it's the right thing and I agree I'm finding it so hard. I'm sitting here blaming myself and keep picking up the phone to call him and apologie. It's like I'm out of control and can't help myself. Sorry to post on here it's just I have very few friends and don't know how to stop myself. :(

You have a lot of processing to do. But if you went back to him, the thoughts and obsession would not go away. You would question everything: did I do the right thing leaving? Did I do the right thing taking him back? Is he changing?

Imagine going back and realising you wish you hadn't. Protect yourself from having to go through this again in the future! Better to get it done now. Waiting four weeks and then seeing how you feel is good advice.

It's rubbish timing right before Christmas :( I don't want to be miserable at Christmas. Then it'll be dreaded Valentines Day. God it's just so depressing. I feel like just hibernating for 6 months

Stay strong, Wibhay.

Valentines day is ages away! You'll be feeling so much stronger by then. It's a load of facile commercialised shite anyway. Kick it to the kerb.

Valentines Schmalentines. Who wants to sit in a crowded restaurant eating overpriced food sitting at the table looking into the eyes of a disrespectful, selfish, money-grabbing tosser.

Not me.

I shall be at home with Netflix and a bottle of wine!

Christmas is weeks away, and Valentine's even longer

Are you set on feeling like shit ? Come on love, put your Big Girl Pants on. There's a whole world out there and none of it needs to include shit men.

Wasn't one of the problems that he was moving you further from your family than you wanted to be?

In that case, start planning a lovely family Christmas. It'll be much better than spending it with someone who wants to take your money and offer you half a bedroom for a compromise baby. Someone who'll play games over a break-up because the power is more important to them.

Have Christmas with your family and remind yourself what nice people are like. It looks like you've forgotten.

In my head all I imagine is the good times. Yes I should be angry about the compromise offer of a baby and the half a bedroom. I seem to keep forgetting those points. I've turned my phone off now for the night not that he's going to text but it just stops me from keep looking at it.

I hope you get some sleep. It is harder when they're not talking to you, I think. When he gets in touch, something about the way he does it or what he says may well jolt you into remembering the bad points. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, doesn't it?

You know there are bad points to remember. That's enough for now. Your feelings will catch up in the end.

It's an awful feeling, like your emotions are an external force willing you to do something you don't want to, like you have no control.

But you do! Take it hour by hour even.

Make a real effort to not think about it, don't just say I can't. Really, really try.

Have you tried any of the things previous posters have suggested? Mn classics can take up hours.

Read loads, look up baggage reclaim.

Is there any strong person in real life, literature or celeb you really admire? Think what would they do?
Emulate them, fake it till you make it!

Aggh I just saw this thread.

OP, do you want one melancholy Christmas while you are still single, solvent, employed, young and with many life possibilities ahead of you????

Or do you want many five, 10, 15, 25 of miserable Christmases with a grasping, selfish user and your poor little forlorn child whom the user didn't really want? Do you want to sit there for years on end on Christmas day and thousands of other days trying to make it up to this kid for having a shit father, just because you were in the throes of infatuation for the father at one point?

Believe me, I and many other women here understand the inexplicable attraction to the bad boy, to the asshole. I understand the physical ache in your chest, the shaky feeling, the anxiety and dread -- and I and many other women here also understand that once we were out from under that lust/desperation cloud, the utter flood of relief at having dodged a major bullet.

You will feel love and attraction for another, better man. No one ever died from having a quiet Christmas at home with parents and to be honest I haven't even contemplated Valentines Day since I was 25, with or without a man in the picture. I'm sorry you are feeling bad, it's to be expected, but again -- would he want you without your ability to pitch in $80K? Truly, really want you in his life if it didn't smooth his path financially and provide a ready-made helper for parenting his kids?

Was last Christmas/Valentines that good though ?
Who did the running around? who paid for who at a restaurant? were there flowers? was there love? or was it all about his kids, his needs? Valentines sitting infront of TV with a bottle of cheap wine ?

I've had the worst day ever. I can't stop blaming myself I just feel like giving up.

Oh Wib

Hugs to you.

I know how awful it is.

Have you considered getting hold of 'How to survive the loss of a love'?

It's the best book ever for these times. It literally holds your hand for you while you are going through it.

[thanks{

Oh no I've never heard of it I will look it up now. My heart is literally breaking. Today he text saying he used to be a happy jokey person but my negativity has drained it all out of him :( i can't get out of beating myself up about it. It's all my fault

Well you had plenty to be negative about didn't you?

I don't think I've ever posted on Relationships, but having read both your threads I can't not. Seriously? What a load of bollocks - you know that right? Do not engage with him at all. In fact why don't you block him. It's over so why maintain contact. You are not at fault here, in fact as so many others have said you should be proud of yourself for a) getting rid of this pathetic speciman and b) not caving in yet re contacting him. You will feel better eventually, a few weeks / months of pain yes, better than a lifetime of unhappiness if you get back with this bellend. Stay strong.

Looking back I can se where I fucked up :( it's all my fault if I had been a better girlfriend none of this would happen. I'm 33 and my relationships have always been rubbish so it's clearer me that's at fault and now it's too late I've lost the man I love

He's a twat and now kicking you when you're down. Block his number and do that list of detox/distraction up thread.

Having a child is hard enough without saddling one with this idiot as a father.

OMG his selfish, disrespectful twattery knows no bounds.

Block him now, OP.

NC is hard but you'll recover quicker (I promise) and you really don't deserve this nastiness. So protect yourself.

He's an absolute lowlife, OP. With every further communication get gets more and more awful. This man has NO respect for you, OP.

Please get the book and block the fucker.

The only way you fucked up is by not being some sort of stepford wife /partner and giving your life savings to someone trying to get a new house for themselves.

If I promise to be a good dp will you give me £80k?

He's not even made that promise flippantly.

Today he text saying he used to be a happy jokey person but my negativity has drained it all out of him

As a teenager I used to babysit for a very spoilt child who would kick off if told no (e.g. to being permitted to put jam in my hair or, on one memorable occasion, to tie me to a tree in the garden) and say things like 'Don't blame me if I'm not happy'. But to be fair, he was only seven.

Your ex is a grown-up and still doing that shit? "Damn well collude in your own exploitation and oppression, or I will be miserable and it will be your fault and you will be a bad person."

Well, be a bad person in his eyes. Better than being a broke, desperately unhappy trapped mother and stepmother with no say in anything and no self-respect (I remember your last thread).

You will get through this. You need to tell people in RL (as much or as little as you want-the point is not to justify your decision to them but to let them know you are suffering and could do with some help) and to look after yourself. Long walks with your phone left at home, then hot chocolate and funny films, etc.

I don't have many people in RL to talk to :( I obviously have something wrong with me. I can't stop blaming myself :( all I wanted was a bog standard boring little life with a man I could love and look after and a little family I could care for. I won't ever meet anyone I now have no confidence and the thought of being with anyone else makes me feel physically sick. There are 2 sides to every story and I just wish you could all hear his because then you would probably be saying yes it is all my fault and I deserve this pain.

Why do you think he is telling the truth?

Hugs

btw someone as caring as you (which stands out from the posts) wouldn't be a drain. Seriously. But I think he is upset at losing £80k so he is lashing out at something that he hopes will hurt you.

hugs

Lovely what you have is a self confessed dose of low confidence and self esteem, you have been Choosing the same type of bloke who take advantage of your vulnerability.

Unless you dig deep and break this cycle of choosing bullies who bulldozer you and take advantage then nothing will change. He is now turning this on you and will get the desired effect.

Your isolated and have no real life support and he sniffs this out like a dog, your being played like a violin
Your life will be taken over by him and his kids lock stock and barrel money an all, and you will lap up whatever crumb he deems to throw your way.

You don't think you deserve very much that's why you don't get much kiddo, aim for the stars and get the moon, look at the pavement and all you will see is shit.

I so wish you could see this and him for what it is, your sleep,walking in to a world of hurt .