Ready to cave in & need some help

[Wibhay]

Hi I'm sure a lot of you have read a previous post ..Need your advice.
I've recently broken up with someone and although everyone is saying it's the right thing and I agree I'm finding it so hard. I'm sitting here blaming myself and keep picking up the phone to call him and apologie. It's like I'm out of control and can't help myself. Sorry to post on here it's just I have very few friends and don't know how to stop myself. :(

either that or he is getting something out of keeping you on tenterhooks

neither is acceptable

It doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

I know it hurts like hell. I'm sorry. The only way out is through the pain for now.

Look after yourself, lovely wibhay

From what you said, his ego is so enormous that he's confident you will crack and contact him first. Prove him wrong!

Thanks for your comments I've come close to cracking but reading your responses gives me the confidence that I need. Hopefully I'll have a nice sleep tonight

On holiday today... please don't spend it flagellating yourself with "if only", & "I should haves". keep busy, go & tell your parents... make a rdv for a hair cut, facial, other... make a few plans to meet old friends. Tell them, & make it real....
You are doing the right thing

Hi mix56 thanks for your post. I am struggling today with what ifs and if onlys. I have come so close to texting him many many times. I can't seem to think of anything else even though I am trying really hard but all I can think of is how much I miss him and how I want to make things work

I don't know what to say to my parents so haven't said anything to them yet

tell them the truth ?

Tell them, it will make it real.
Make a list of all the things he has done that aren't right, & reread when you are feeling like calling
Top of the list:

1. HE HASN'T CALLED. he hasn't tried to work it out.
2. AS a father he should know that you are not EVER going to put a young baby in a 15 yr old daughters room, or vice versa. It is complete bollocks 3)Step kids often make life more complicated !
3. Do they consider you as a home breaker/invasive presence?
4. Bad relationship with the XW
5. Removing you from your friends & family (a standard EA tactic)
6. NO equality re house & finances

carry on now......

From experience, I can tell you that if you do crack and text, you genuinely feel so much much worse. It starts off the roller coaster of anxiety - the regret is almost instantaneous, and it is such a MASSIVE handover of power, such a huge ego stroke for him, and you can't take it back. You will then be checking your phone CONSTANTLY, it pulls you right back in, if he doesn't respond you will feel even worse, if he does respond you get pulled into the whole dance again, it's AWFUL, and you end up back at square one having to go cold turkey again. In this case, I can put an actual price on your dignity here - £80k! Yes, the money he was expecting you to handover to fund HIS house and his children, on the vague notion that at some point you would have a baby........no no no. Hold firm, do not allow him to trash your life!

Why is it so hard? I don't feel anyone would find it this hard? What's wrong with me

It IS hard, I would suggest switching off your phone. Unthinkable at first but....try it. For 20 minutes. Then for an hour......go on.

do you think he is torturing himself like this ?

I would love to tell you my DD's story OP, but it could be recognised, so I'll just say that she was in a very similar position to you and several years down the line has no baby and a lot less money.

I don't believe that your ex feels as bad as you, annoyed yes, upset no.

You really do deserve better than this, you know you do.

Is there any other cause or "thing" in your life that affects you deeply? Something else you feel passionate about? It might be a hobby, an untapped talent that you've never explored because you've become fixated on this relationship as your reason for living.

To be fair, it's taken me a zillion years on the planet to realise how much of a tyrant and jailer Emotion can be. Acquiring balance between head and heart is life's journey. First step, though, is to accept that emotion is not a rational leader. Emotion is better understood as a responder to situations. It absolutely needs to be controlled by a whole mind centred on YOU rather than HIM.

He's a user, a taker, a faker. Your intellect knows this to be true but you're fighting it/yourself.

It is hard because you are letting go of hopes and dreams. Much harder than dropping a bad boyfriend.

You've clung to hope that he could change to be what you want, that he could deliver your dream. You've become addicted to hope.

Now you have to admit there is no hope. That's what you are actually fighting: the desire to keep the fantasy.

You need to keep busy. It's the only solution. If you are at home with nothing to do, de clutter or watch some engrossing TV. This is your chance. Your chance to have some dreams...

Wibhay, you've had some great no nonsense advice and support on here.

You're the adult, so you get to choose if you want to be walked over and used.

Or if you decide to find a decent, worthwhile human to make a future with (the bloke you described on here is no catch) and in the meantime get on with building your self esteem so you can recognise that person from a user.

It is your call, and nothing anyone can say on here will change your opinion. We can only suggest a few scenarios if it goes tits up.

It's just not getting any easier :(

Hugs

It's grieving. It doesn't go overnight. You had so much love and caring and hope invested and now it all seems to be in dust and ashes.

To be honest, from what you have said I don't think it would be better caving. I think it would have been different shades of worse hell. And you would lose your money.

Keep posting. I have just been laughing till I cried about this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2372561-To-be-slightly-mortified

(I'm going through a tough time for different reasons and Mumsnet Classics is a real sanity saver)

Think of yourself as addicted to something that's really bad for you. Of course you're going to find it tough, but you know it'll get easier. You know, deep down, that he's not the right man for you. The only way is go through all the emotions - there's no shortcut, unfortunately.

There's been some brilliant advice on this thread Wibhay

Read what Suddenlyseymour said again:

It starts off the roller coaster of anxiety - the regret is almost instantaneous, and it is such a MASSIVE handover of power, such a huge ego stroke for him, and you can't take it back. You will then be checking your phone CONSTANTLY, it pulls you right back in, if he doesn't respond you will feel even worse, if he does respond you get pulled into the whole dance again, it's AWFUL, and you end up back at square one having to go cold turkey again

She's exactly spot on with this. If you contact him, all the healing you've done and progress you've made so far (and you have, even if you don't feel like it) will have to be done again from the beginning, and then some. All you will be doing is prolonging your own agony.

Give yourself a chance. It's going to feel shit for a while. But the way to feel better isn't to throw yourself back into the lions den. It's to be gentle with yourself, to allow yourself to grieve, and to get back on with a life that you deserve.

Come on. You can do this. Tough out this stage and you will feel better before you know it.

:( I'm trying but I'm struggling. My mind is getting bombarded with memories and thoughts it's like it's out of control :(

It's so hard. Many of us have been there. Take one day at a time. Get to four weeks if you can and you'll feel so different.

wibhay you are going to feel awful. At times when you disregard the crappy elements you will idiolize him, and the relationship. At these times you will feel even worse. And it will hurt like a physical pain.

When you can't bear the pain of grieving the nice bits force yourself to also visualise the time he used the word 'compromise' in relation to having a baby with you. Or the time he said 'if we don't buy this house we're finished'

Because that is the reality.

The sum total of it you are letting go of..... Because you must.

So painful