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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need help telling in-laws not to buy me PA gifts.

177 replies

holepuncher · 14/11/2015 08:29

PIL have form for sending me very PA gifts and cards. DH has just begun to realise that they do this after many years. For example they send me the poorest quality birthday card (sometimes a note-let) they can find, send it 2nd class and late so it gets here 4 days after the event. I kept my DHs and DCs cards for 2 years and then showed my DH the difference in what they receive and what I get because DH thought I was making it up. I only did this to show him that they are PA towards me.

Before DC they mostly never bought me a gift for birthday or Christmas despite us being very generous with them i.e. me the wifey putting the thought into it and going out buying it. On the occasions they have bought me it has been things like a tea towel, a pair of socks or something very similar. My PIL are quite wealthy so it is not a cost issue and they always ask us to buy them expensive gifts. This year they have asked us for something that costs £150. I cannot really get out of spending this because they now spend around this much on DH and the DC so I feel obliged to pass it back and it also makes me feel that I don't owe them anything and we are even. If I ever get a gift it is given very begrudgingly. They buy it so my DH doesn't get annoyed and the box is ticked and they are off the hook.

Anyway, the above may sound strange and some of you are probably poised to type that I should be grateful I get anything and they buy the DC. Don't forget that they did this before DC came along. I am not being grabby as I really do not want anything.

The reason I am writing this is because I cannot stomach another year sitting there watching PIL opening golf gifts, beautifully wrapped scarves, nice perfume and then it's my turn to open my £1.99 gloves from Costco. It makes me feel inferior and that doesn't sit well with me. The bottom line is I do not want anything from them. I am happy to buy for them but I want nothing in return and I do not even want to feel obliged for the £2 gift. DH sit there and open really nice presents and I feel like a twat.

I need a few ideas as to how to say to my MIL that I do not want her to buy me anything in future. I would prefer to not have anything to open from them and for us to be a bit more honest with each other and know that she doesn't want to waste her money or energy on me and I want nothing from her. I need a few pointers as I really need to say this but it is going to come out wrong.

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 15/11/2015 08:08

I can't believe you are opening the presents in their company - why would you put yourself in such a humiliating position (yes prob to keep the peace but you need to out them).

I can't believe they are spending loads on DH, why doesn't DH ask for a voucher for holiday or garden centre then you cna have half of it, consider it a joint present. DH sounds as selfish as them.

I would refuse to see them at all over Xmas. Talk to DH and get a solution and don't kid yourself that it's nice for the DCs to see Grandma or whatever NO, they are malicious and underhand and keep the DCs away. Do you really want the DCs to see you as some lesser being who can be ignored and sidelined???

haven't read the whole thread - too annoyed on your behalf OP.

Hissy · 15/11/2015 08:52

The key to the resolution here is DH and only DH.

HE needs to say something, or he buys you a nice gift (deducted from the ridiculous amount his parents are demanding) and when they give you the gift, he needs to swap it out and say that from now on there will be no more point scoring, or you'll be having Christmas at home alone with the family from now on. Enough is enough and the game is up. Then total refusal to discuss it. One cast iron boundary laid down, or nothing.

Then he gives them a card with the cash remaining and tells them that this year as a family, you have put as much effort into their gift as they have into yours. Should they wish to resume reaping the benefits of YOUR efforts, then they treat you accordingly.

Or... See above cast iron boundary...

Yeah they will cry, kick off, but who does your h want to betray and piss off? 2 very mean people who make the woman he loves unhappy, or the person he's chosen to spend his life with and have a family with.

They won't be around forever, they need to make it count and do good for others while they still can.

Is he an only child? Are there any siblings?

pluck · 15/11/2015 09:33

Sallyhasleftthebuilding, oh, I didn't mean the people on this thread were being nasty: it's the OP's ILs I was speaking of! They have no call to be so horrible, no matter how unlike them the OP may be.

mix56 · 15/11/2015 17:17

Sadly, I know from experience, you can't win with "gifts for DC only", or asking DH to be a man & taking a stand for you, or handing them back a bottle of wrapped toilet cleaner. If you do this, they will continue to demean you in other ways.

The only solution is to say that you would like a JOINT present, offer an list, new parasol, new BBQ tongs, money for a car service... something that will benefit you both. & then tell OH to buy them a gift...
(& NOT buy them a million dollar present) if it is construed as less worthy, you can drop in that OH has gone out of his way to find the time to find them a present....

The DCs are out of this loop. see how it goes, then after this Xmas, try & do Xmas on holiday, or with YOUR family or take the kids to Disney, or to the back end of anywhere, but just don't go to them...when they start moaning, Say that there are only so many Xmases that you will permit them to belittle you.

Hemlockinthegarden · 15/11/2015 18:21

Regift the gloves!

scarlets · 15/11/2015 18:50

Just say that you're only buying presents for children this year. Make sure that your husband supports you.

WitchWay · 15/11/2015 19:28

My ILs always give me lovely presents except they smell of damp & clearly think carefully about what they have chosen.

They're pretty crap about presents for DH though! He received a cheque for £40 for his 40th birthday & was upset as he really wanted something they had chosen themselves & thought they might actually make an effort for once - my DPs made a real effort to pick something appropriate - not expensive, but lovely. He had a cheque for £50 for his 50th Grin

he's such a git though I suspect they're terrified of getting it wrong, so default to the ubiquitous cheque option Sad

Iamverynotcrazy · 15/11/2015 19:37

I have in laws like this. They went on a lovely 2 week cruise this year came back with presents Dh and ds1 got expensive t-shirt ds2 and ds3 both got toys I got a sponge. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. I was very offended. My mil didn't see anything wrong as it was a natural sponge. But to me it was offensive specially when she knows that I am not a girly girl I don't have baths and am lucky if my showers last longer than 5 minutes so to me it seemed such I bizarre gift to give I would honestly prefer to not have got anything.

IjustGotmy2016diary · 15/11/2015 20:58

So OP what are you going to do?

MissApple · 15/11/2015 21:48

If they come to you for Christmas, give them both Iceland food

MissApple · 15/11/2015 21:49

Yes! Regift the gloves!

Original poster
holepuncher · 16/11/2015 11:54

I am going to tell her myself that I don't want her to buy me anything at all.

OP posts:
Rachel0Greep · 16/11/2015 12:01

I definitely would not be traipsing the shops either, for their expensive gifts, if I were you.

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/11/2015 12:15

Ooooh. Ballsy.

Make sure you've got witnesses (preferably your DH and FIL) so that your calm and non-confrontational delivery can be noted and you can't reasonably be made out to be the money-obsessed bitch from hell you will be though

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2015 12:18

Why not get your DH to tell her as well that you don't want anything?. Or do you not trust him not to cave in his mother's presence?.

RhodaBull · 16/11/2015 12:29

I was not offended by the pils' mean presents to me; after all, my mum would buy me a better present than she would dh. But the PA horrid presents is at best humorous and at worst insulting.

The pil always bought for my b'day a box of Ferrero Rocher which were skating perilously near to the sell-by date. It was offensive because it is quite hard to find a specific item so close to the expiry date. Mil must have combed every market stall within 20 miles!

Dh and I got joint Christmas presents. That was an excuse to be doubly mean. A small Stilton between two? When they came for the whole of Christmas? Grrrrrrr.

Whattheduck · 16/11/2015 13:47

My mil is the same.my dh buys her main present then i buy lots of other bits and bobs as extras but they are from us all.i also buy her a gift from dd.i always go out of my way to buy the things that i know she likes and appropriate to her.the past few years i have always made up a food hamper for her as she lives on her own so thought it would be nice to give her some extra christmas treats.i even deliver it to her the week before christmas.last year when i turned up with it she wasn't in so left it with her neighbour (my friends mum) so i know she got it.i never even got a thank you.on christmas day dh asked her about it and she said oh yes it was ok but i prefer to pick my own food.
My present was a bayliss and harding gift set which funnily enough was exactly the same as my sil had given her the previous year from her dd.
This year i've told dh he can buy her present and i'll get a small gift from dd but there will be nothing else.so come christmas day when we sit around opening our presents (mil and my dm are coming here)she'll be in for a shock.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/11/2015 17:15

Duck can you report back about her reaction?

OP are you going to let your DH buy for his mother this year?

FrancesOldhamKelsey · 16/11/2015 17:29

I think the poster with the sponge is BVU tbh. A natural sea sponge as a souvenir of a destination is just as reasonable a present as a T shirt. And you need to wash yourself in the shower even if you don't have baths. Just because it's not to your personal taste doesn't make it a crap and offensive gift.

Iamverynotcrazy · 16/11/2015 18:29

I am not going to get into a debate on whether you think I am bvu that's your opinion. Mil knew it wasn't my thing it wasn't a souviour of a destination it was bought in the duty free shop at the airport (packaging told me so). A sponges doesn't seem a reasonable present compared to a t shirt in my opinion and it being a natural sea sponge means absolutely nothing to me a sponge is a sponge.

magnificatAnimaMea · 16/11/2015 19:11

Good luck holepuncher

My PIL used to do this to me in the first year or two of knowing DH; I would always write nice thankyou cards for anything, they would always rudely take the piss out ofhow "nicely brought up" and pointlessly timewasting it was to write thankyou cards (probably because they were embarrassed that i was the only one who ever did thank them - their own kids certainly didn't have the manners to ever write a thankyou card). I got sick of having them be rude about the thankyous, so stopped writing them, and then they instantly stopped acknowledging me at all. For a few years they continued to buy expensive presents for DH and nothing at all for me, while I was still buying presents from "us" to them - but once i started leaving it to DH and he started forgetting or buying crap, they now don't acknowledge him either, and don't even remember his birthday. We sit there at Christmas and get ignored while they open whatever DH has got them and ignore it, then all have an expensive present love-in with SIL's family. Again - no problems whatsoever on their side with money or memory. Selfish twats.

RiceCrispieTreats · 16/11/2015 19:45

Your DH doesn't have your back.

A far worse problem than having PA in-laws.

Fannycraddock79 · 01/01/2016 23:25

What lovely gift did you get this year OP?

Morecheesegrommet · 02/01/2016 00:50

Update please!

BibiBlocksberg · 02/01/2016 07:53

Can't believe OP's DH 'hadn't noticed' the glaring difference in the gifts year after year.

Even my ex who was about as aware as the above mentioned natural sponge about any dynamic in any relationship noticed the year his family really outdid themselves with crap gifts for me (bar of galaxy & glade candle from his aunt plus a box of broken biscuits from his sister)

Every other DP/GF/Wife gathered for present opening had lovely make-up sets etc.....

Stung especially since they knew full well they're well thought out gifts from 'us' were entirely sorted by me from start to finish since ex DP couldn't be arsed to raise a smile let alone his arse off the sofa to do any christmas shopping.

Got a small (admittedly PA on my part) 'victory' a few months ago when i saw ex's sister at a Barbecue. Couldn't resist remarking on what lovely christmas gifts they must all be receiving since our split.....wish i could have framed her facial expression..... :)

Joining in with chorus of 'what did you get this year OP' now :)