Need help telling in-laws not to buy me PA gifts.

[holepuncher]

PIL have form for sending me very PA gifts and cards. DH has just begun to realise that they do this after many years. For example they send me the poorest quality birthday card (sometimes a note-let) they can find, send it 2nd class and late so it gets here 4 days after the event. I kept my DHs and DCs cards for 2 years and then showed my DH the difference in what they receive and what I get because DH thought I was making it up. I only did this to show him that they are PA towards me.

Before DC they mostly never bought me a gift for birthday or Christmas despite us being very generous with them i.e. me the wifey putting the thought into it and going out buying it. On the occasions they have bought me it has been things like a tea towel, a pair of socks or something very similar. My PIL are quite wealthy so it is not a cost issue and they always ask us to buy them expensive gifts. This year they have asked us for something that costs £150. I cannot really get out of spending this because they now spend around this much on DH and the DC so I feel obliged to pass it back and it also makes me feel that I don't owe them anything and we are even. If I ever get a gift it is given very begrudgingly. They buy it so my DH doesn't get annoyed and the box is ticked and they are off the hook.

Anyway, the above may sound strange and some of you are probably poised to type that I should be grateful I get anything and they buy the DC. Don't forget that they did this before DC came along. I am not being grabby as I really do not want anything.

The reason I am writing this is because I cannot stomach another year sitting there watching PIL opening golf gifts, beautifully wrapped scarves, nice perfume and then it's my turn to open my £1.99 gloves from Costco. It makes me feel inferior and that doesn't sit well with me. The bottom line is I do not want anything from them. I am happy to buy for them but I want nothing in return and I do not even want to feel obliged for the £2 gift. DH sit there and open really nice presents and I feel like a twat.

I need a few ideas as to how to say to my MIL that I do not want her to buy me anything in future. I would prefer to not have anything to open from them and for us to be a bit more honest with each other and know that she doesn't want to waste her money or energy on me and I want nothing from her. I need a few pointers as I really need to say this but it is going to come out wrong.

If I were you I would sit down with DH and explain something needs to give, leave him to suggest what but have a back up list in your own head. Be honest in saying that you can't go on being belittled in front of your DC's by your PIL.

This spiteful nonsense has to end now!

What does PA stand for?

I thought it was going to be Peter Andre. Must be passive aggressive.

Your DH should be sorting out presents for his side of the family. Start a new tradition this year.

Who asks for a present that costs £150?! That's not normal is it? Even worse that it's a parent asking their child. Outrageous - unless you're a millionaire I suppose.

You could get your DH to say about the £150 gift:

"Oh! holepuncher wants one of those. Perhaps you can get it for her! Or maybe we buy ours and you buy yours and don't do presents."

But he WON'T, will he? Because he hasn't even noticed that you get a £1.99 present while he and the DC get expensive ones. And doesn't care. And tells you you are making it up about the cards. And doesn't care.

He's your problem. He should have stuck up for you years ago.

Peter Andre!!!!*

"Oh for goodness sake, DH, stop going all Peter Andre on me!"

One year I bought my exH's nieces a little present each. When I didn't get a thanks I asked if they had received their gifts. They said no but they got lovely stuff off FIL! My gift! He had claimed it as being from him.

From now on your DH deals with all gift and card related activity with them. So it's his responsibility to remember their birthdays, buy cards etc. Likely he will put far less effort in than you and this will be a giant shock for them.

Next he tells them you are doing kids presents only from now on. Make up something about being short of cash if you need to.

They sound horrid but dealing with them is your DH's job.

Or you could be wonderfully frank. It could be so liberating. 'Please don't buy me anything. I can tell you don't want to, because you always buy me very cheap things with little thought to them and it doesn't help me warm towards you. I appreciate you spend money on DH and the children and am happy for you to be honest about your affections and leave it there.'

This - just do it and wash your hands of any involvement in present buying and wrapping from now on.

Horrid PILs.

I have this from my husbands aunt who gives lovely presents to DH and DCs. I always get nothing from her. I don't exist. I'm just not a blood relative, a proper member of the family. All the above advice is great. I ignore it now and don't want anything but see that I'm probably better off in my non existence. So sorry, very hurtful of them and your DH can be leaned on to sort this one!

Don't open your presents, tell them you're going to be donating them straight to some kind of charity collecting christmas presents, so to leave them wrapped.

If they are members of some kind of club, which is running a collection for such a thing, consider donating there and saying that they are from your MIL, so that they feel a bit embarrassed about what they know is in the present.

You're being very nice buying them the presents, but it's really not your problem. Your DH can handle it and you can totally opt out.

I don't want DH to say anything to PIL because I don't want them to know I am bothered. Someone upthread said that it is worse to get a shite gift than no gift. This is how I feel. I just want NOTHING off them. I am not upset or hurt and am actually indifferent to the fact that they do not want to treat me nicely. The Christmas presents is actually the last issue I have to deal with. There have been other things that I have already whittled down because of their last of respect. This has been going on for years and over time I have stopped buying expensive birthday presents for PIL and now just send a card. I no longer invite them out for meals which we ended up paying for and I generally make sure I spend nothing on them. I no longer invite MIL to Mother's Day. She can come over for a drink or we will pop into hers but I no longer invite her out for a Mother's Day meal.

Their reaction is not to what I have done above. They started this long ago. Christmas is the last thing I need to tone down but is proving very difficult. A while ago after a particularly crap Christmas gift I got very annoyed and had DH say to them that lets just do small gifts from now on and mainly for the DC and they got hysterical and started crying saying how much they enjoyed receiving nice gifts from us. My DH then backed down.

So, I have it down to spending on their Christmas Gift only. I'd love to drop this too but can't see how at the moment. I do however want to tell them not to buy for me as I want nothing off them. I like a response upthread on how to say this. I will flick back and find it.

It sounds as if they've categorised you as an outer circle relation. DH is their son, DCs are their grandchildren, you are DH's wife and thus one step removed - more like a niece they have to give a duty gift to. Actually I don't think that's necessarily such a sin. My own lovely DPs always give nice gifts, but gifts to their children and grandchildren are noticeably more extravagant than gifts to their SIL/DIL. I think it's pretty normal to make a distinction like that - hardly anyone really prioritises their DIL/SIL in the same way as their DC and DGC (apart from my lovely DPILs for who see me as the daughter they never had - but they are very special).

Your problem is that a) Costco gloves are a step too far and b) you are taking the responsibility for getting their presents so naturally you feel hard done by. I'd just step back and tell your DH that his parents are his responsibility. Accept in your own mind that they are distant relations by marriage and will always treat you as such. It's not worth a row if they are otherwise good grandparents.

He doesn't tell them you are bothered because clearly they wouldn't give a shit about that. The key is that he says he has noticed and he is bothered and he wants it to stop.

'Please don't buy me anything. I can tell you don't want to, because you always buy me very cheap things with little thought to them and it doesn't help me warm towards you. I appreciate you spend money on DH and the children and am happy for you to be honest about your affections and leave it there.'

Yes this...

Honestly though I do think I am a f@c£ing mug. Last year I bought MIL a gorgeous Becksondergaard scarf amongst other things. I spent ages looking for her presents and she wouldn't give me yesterday's newspaper.

If I have a DIL who buys me scarves like that and other gorgeous stuff I will be the luckiest MIL in the world.

My mil does exactly the same. Buys for DD and DH usually at least £30 each and I get a pair of slipper socks!!!!! I could live with this but I know the other DIL gets an expensive gift. I also get passive aggressive presents from DH sister
I have simply told them this year we are cutting back and will spend on the children but not on adults (apart from small stocking fillery gifts)!

Do they have other sons/daughters in law? Do they get the same treatment?

Anyone, I agree with you 100%. I know that I am outer circle family and do not expect to be treated like a daughter. I do have some standards though and think I should be treated better than Vera down the street.

I agree also that I am disgruntled because I am doing all the nice stuff and feel belittled in return. I have taken some very large steps back and I am trying to treat them like distant relations in return but I get sucked into buying all their presents (there are other members of DHs family I have to buy for too) and it pisses me off that I am buying things for them that I wouldn't splash out on for myself.

Last year for Christmas mil gave me the gift of telling me I'm no longer considered to be family.

So I'd be grateful for gloves. But I see what you're getting at. It's better to have nothing.

Can you ask them to just buy for your kids?

The problem is not your DMIL - it's the hours you spent tracking down the scarf. It would be like me buying Lalique for my work Secret Santa who will buy me a box of Celebrations. It's totally inappropriate for the relationship you have - but it would be appropriate for the relationship your DH has with his mother.

No, SIL's boyfriends are always treated like a beloved adopted son.

If tell DH that its all his headache now. He has £10 total to spend on the pair of them and can explain why.

The thing is thought that I love be generous and buying for people. If my MIL got me a stocking and put a bath bomb, box of Roses and a Revlon lipstick (i.e. put a tiny bit of thought into it) I would be more than happy to traipse around looking for nice gifts to make her happy. I don't think what I have listed above is unreasonable for her DS's wife and mother of DGC TBH. I put more effort than that into my DCs friends birthdays. I have been the one doing most of the Christmas shopping as DH works long hours and he would buy shite.

Tell your dh he is sorting the presents for them, he has plenty of time!

Oh and reduce the budget, they can ask all they like presents are gifts, you do not give to your grandchildren and expect the same value of gifts in return ( that way madness lies!)

They are grabby and demanding, you do not need to say anything actions speak far louder than words.

Great if dh would buy shite, shite is what they get. You are over thinking this. Just do it.

You don't have to buy for them.

Tell DH they buy you shit, that is what they think of you so he can get his arse down to the shop from now on for birthdays, mother's day and Christmas.

You will be staying at home/having a coffee in Costa with a nice book for an hour instead and that will be worth more than the thought in their gift to you.

Don't look at what he gets, don't check the value, don't wrap it.

You are only the mug if you carry on.