Need help telling in-laws not to buy me PA gifts.

[holepuncher]

PIL have form for sending me very PA gifts and cards. DH has just begun to realise that they do this after many years. For example they send me the poorest quality birthday card (sometimes a note-let) they can find, send it 2nd class and late so it gets here 4 days after the event. I kept my DHs and DCs cards for 2 years and then showed my DH the difference in what they receive and what I get because DH thought I was making it up. I only did this to show him that they are PA towards me.

Before DC they mostly never bought me a gift for birthday or Christmas despite us being very generous with them i.e. me the wifey putting the thought into it and going out buying it. On the occasions they have bought me it has been things like a tea towel, a pair of socks or something very similar. My PIL are quite wealthy so it is not a cost issue and they always ask us to buy them expensive gifts. This year they have asked us for something that costs £150. I cannot really get out of spending this because they now spend around this much on DH and the DC so I feel obliged to pass it back and it also makes me feel that I don't owe them anything and we are even. If I ever get a gift it is given very begrudgingly. They buy it so my DH doesn't get annoyed and the box is ticked and they are off the hook.

Anyway, the above may sound strange and some of you are probably poised to type that I should be grateful I get anything and they buy the DC. Don't forget that they did this before DC came along. I am not being grabby as I really do not want anything.

The reason I am writing this is because I cannot stomach another year sitting there watching PIL opening golf gifts, beautifully wrapped scarves, nice perfume and then it's my turn to open my £1.99 gloves from Costco. It makes me feel inferior and that doesn't sit well with me. The bottom line is I do not want anything from them. I am happy to buy for them but I want nothing in return and I do not even want to feel obliged for the £2 gift. DH sit there and open really nice presents and I feel like a twat.

I need a few ideas as to how to say to my MIL that I do not want her to buy me anything in future. I would prefer to not have anything to open from them and for us to be a bit more honest with each other and know that she doesn't want to waste her money or energy on me and I want nothing from her. I need a few pointers as I really need to say this but it is going to come out wrong.

I wouldn't get involved in any tit for tat. The charity donation request is the dignified way to go, or the very honest speech you bolded above. I'm glad that your dh has finally taken his blinkers off but amazing that it took him so long.

FIL buys for the kids, we buy from the kids. Stop doing it, send hubby out for presents so he knows the effort you go to ... leave him to it, its not compulary for you to do it.

Your dh should say something when your all opening the presents like 'bloody el mother you tight arse is that supposed to be her present' or get the kids to say 'mummy how come you got grandma that really expensive coffee maker and she got you a pair of gloves that not fair is it mummy grandmas a nasty cow isn't she mummy'

MrsMolesworth is spot on with "Or you could be wonderfully frank. It could be so liberating. 'Please don't buy me anything. I can tell you don't want to, because you always buy me very cheap things with little thought to them and it doesn't help me warm towards you. I appreciate you spend money on DH and the children and am happy for you to be honest about your affections and leave it there.'"

Tackle the problem, not its symptoms- be direct and leave no room for misunderstanding. You may feel awkward, but you'll only have to do it once, and it would do wonders for your self respect.

let DH buy shite then. that would be the whole point.
he can do the presents from here on in.
just leave him to it.
he'll just have to find the time. like the rest of the general population.

can i come round and give him a kick in the arse for being such a chickenshit?

My MIL does this - last year she have me a table cloth that looked like it cost £1 or came from her re-gifting cupboard! However, she buys nice gifts for our son and makes him lovely cardigans etc so I just shrug it off, and give my presents from her to the charity shop. I just can't be bothered to make an issue out of it. This year I am telling my husband he has to sort out Christmas presents for his family as I'm not willing to do it anymore!

But this (as usual) is a problem with your husband. How can he sit there and accept nice presents and watch you open a fucking tea towel? How can he ask you to spend all that money on them when they treat you with such little respect?

I think you should get them whatever they got you. So this year, your MIL should get a pair of gloves from somewhere cheap - in fact, I'd go to the same shop. Get your FIL a pair of socks.

Come on, show some backbone here. They are treating you terribly and you shouldn't put up with it.

I have been the one doing most of the Christmas shopping as DH works long hours and he would buy shite.

OP please stop being a martyr and let DH be responsible for buying gifts for his parents. If he is that busy he can buy things from Amazon or whatever. And does it really matter that he would buy shite for them? I mean doesn't he just have to shop for this ridiculous very expensive gift that they have "ordered" from you?

In your OP you say the presents are from PIL, but by the end it is clear that MIL is buying the presents - I expect she is, but do you know this for sure?

And you do most of the present shopping at your end. Present-buying is just another burden that women are expected to shoulder. I am 60 - at first I loved present buying, then when the kids came it became a chore.

Send DH out to buy his parents' presents.

A few thoughts

Why are you spending Christmas with them?

Why are you spending so much on them? My DM and DMIL get about 20-30 pounds spent on them....

Why are you purchasing their gift anyway? That's a job for their son.

Get them a bottle of wine from a v. cheap supermarket. You could even add a scraper for their car windscreen just to make sure that they know it's v. cheap plonk

Get them a Glade tea light from Tesco. Open the box and divide them so they get one each. -Pricks-

You really really need to leave this up to your dh. He needs to sort out the presents for his own family. Millions of people work and manage to fit this in. He can too.

And really stop complying with demands for £150 presents. That is just ridiculous. Set a budget you are both happy with and work to that.

I get crap presents from my own MIL tbh. She likes to buy her 3 DILs exactly the same whether we like the gifts or not. It's very generic - cheap tins of chocolate and/or cheap toiletries. They either get eaten by the dcs or donated to the next fundraiser at school. I don't really give a shit any more. Dh does sometimes get in early and ask for a joint present though, like vouchers.

Are you actually spending Christmas Day with them?

Agree, let your husband buy sh1te, or you get them an equally crap present, as they have given you, and as has been said upthread, say 'oh I thought we were just buying cheap stuff'...as you look at probably another pair of gloves, or cheap tat.

And if you are doing any traipsing around, let it be to buy yourself something nice. To heck with them, ordering gifts to a certain value, that is disgraceful behaviour.

Look if you really can't leave it to your husband, want to knock this on the head and can't get out of spending 150 quid then get a nice card and put the 150 quid in it writing 'for X'

Just see it as spending it on your kids, your husband can take the flack for it and he can take over next year.

As for their offering just chuck it to one side and say you'll open it later.

I would say nothing this year. Buy their presents and wrap them really nice (like every other year). Let your dh, dc and you open your present first to confirm that you again received a cheap gift. Make a big show of bringing their gifts into the living room, from the hallway, to watch ils open theirs. Buy really cheap gifts, wrapped really nicely so they are really unsuspecting. If or when they make a fuss about being disappointed, explain, as you always buy the family gifts, this year you put as much effort into buying for them, as they usually put into buying your gift and as every one can see. ... this year was no exception.
Hopefully, the penny will drop and they stop being mean.
There was a thread last year on mn about rubbish Christmas gifts posters got, some things were shockingly bad.

I believe my PA gift from mil couple Xmas' ago trumps all others-
A collection of books regarding emotionally abusive mothers and their dd's...after recently becoming a mum for the first time to a daughter- how thoughtful you nasty old witch

To be honest, I see you as the problem. Not in that you have done anything to deserve being treated like this but the fact you haven't delt with it.

Previous poster's have already said for your DH to sort their and his relatives gifts out but you won't as he will buy them crap. Well if he does then so be it.

while ago after a particularly crap Christmas gift I got very annoyed and had DH say to them that lets just do small gifts from now on and mainly for the DC and they got hysterical and started crying saying how much they enjoyed receiving nice gifts from us^. My DH then backed down.*

Really, Why the fuck did your DH back down. He could have easily solved this by telling them it works both ways, their adult, they know how to behave properly. And until they treat all their children, their children's partners and grandchildren then they do not get to decide how much you will spend on their presents.

Why not print off this thread and put it into a nice sparkly Christmas card and post it to them !

Fgs OP - why, just why, do you think it is your job to buy in-laws' presents? That is your dh's responsibility- just don't do it any more.

I remind my dh if birthdays etc come up, but leave it to him. He often forgets, absolutely not my problem that his dm brought him up thoughtless.

As to your issue with the Costco gloves etc, it would be great if you did use the script suggested here. Please don't let your dc see you being treated badly, even if your dh is content with it.

OP why are you buying for your DH's family?

They're treating you with disdain and yet you're going back for more.

If DH buys them shite that's his privilege, they're his family he knows them best!

I only give DP input into buying his family gifts as they are very considerate when buying for me and my DC (not DP's DC). And DP has form for buying 'joke' gifts.
But as far as I'm concerned it's DP's responsibility they're is family and he knows them best. Altho DSIL did remark she could tell there was a woman's input into gifts since I got him to get her a decent present for her birthday.
My point is they are lovely people and appreciate me and it's reciprocated.

If they didn't I wouldn't bother. And I don't think you should. Leave it to your DH.

I don't want DH to say anything to PIL because I don't want them to know I am bothered.

They need to know that your DH is bothered. That's it. He needs to step up here.

And DO please leave him to sort out PIL's presents. You really have done enough - don't make a big thing of it, just say you are not doing it any more. He knows why!

You can still buy thoughtful presents for other family and friends.

It really is as simple as letting DH buy for them. You buy all the other presents if that's what you want to do.