Need help telling in-laws not to buy me PA gifts.

[holepuncher]

PIL have form for sending me very PA gifts and cards. DH has just begun to realise that they do this after many years. For example they send me the poorest quality birthday card (sometimes a note-let) they can find, send it 2nd class and late so it gets here 4 days after the event. I kept my DHs and DCs cards for 2 years and then showed my DH the difference in what they receive and what I get because DH thought I was making it up. I only did this to show him that they are PA towards me.

Before DC they mostly never bought me a gift for birthday or Christmas despite us being very generous with them i.e. me the wifey putting the thought into it and going out buying it. On the occasions they have bought me it has been things like a tea towel, a pair of socks or something very similar. My PIL are quite wealthy so it is not a cost issue and they always ask us to buy them expensive gifts. This year they have asked us for something that costs £150. I cannot really get out of spending this because they now spend around this much on DH and the DC so I feel obliged to pass it back and it also makes me feel that I don't owe them anything and we are even. If I ever get a gift it is given very begrudgingly. They buy it so my DH doesn't get annoyed and the box is ticked and they are off the hook.

Anyway, the above may sound strange and some of you are probably poised to type that I should be grateful I get anything and they buy the DC. Don't forget that they did this before DC came along. I am not being grabby as I really do not want anything.

The reason I am writing this is because I cannot stomach another year sitting there watching PIL opening golf gifts, beautifully wrapped scarves, nice perfume and then it's my turn to open my £1.99 gloves from Costco. It makes me feel inferior and that doesn't sit well with me. The bottom line is I do not want anything from them. I am happy to buy for them but I want nothing in return and I do not even want to feel obliged for the £2 gift. DH sit there and open really nice presents and I feel like a twat.

I need a few ideas as to how to say to my MIL that I do not want her to buy me anything in future. I would prefer to not have anything to open from them and for us to be a bit more honest with each other and know that she doesn't want to waste her money or energy on me and I want nothing from her. I need a few pointers as I really need to say this but it is going to come out wrong.

Let him buy them shite as Christmas presents, perhaps all the family is shit at choosing gifts and you are disturbing the balance by being so thoughtful.

My ex took ofence on my sis getting him the same present in three consecutive Christmas, it wasn't personal.... She has been giving me pink pyjamas for as long as I can remember.

Stop buying for them!! Ok you feel obliged to spend the money as a family but you don't have to do the traipsing. Even the busiest of busy people can order something online.

I used to buy my MIL's presents and put loads of thought into them. She sniffy/dismissive/rude one too many times and now I just leave it to DH. Not my problem.

Another vote for letting your DH buy for them

They sound awful. What horrible people.

My ILs do this. Although it has got better. I refuse to buy them the expensive gifts they ask for. We can't afford it and don't spend that much on each other. When they say what they want we tell them we've already got something.

Your DH is behaving like a baby. Tell him to get a grip and buy stuff for his parents. He's got plenty of time to fit it into his busy schedule.

Do not buy them what they want, give them their own medicine, but find the most hideous gloves etc you can.
They cant say anything can they!

To add, my step mother used to send me some hideous gloves from her and my father and i would send some thing decent. Now i send the cheapest crappiest thing i can find in the worst taste, it has become a great deal of christmas fun and very amusing!!!

Look I put time and money into buying my ILs gifts, but I love them - and they treat their SIL/DILs as they treat their own DCs. If they didn't like me then I'd be getting DH to buy for them.

As others have said, your real problem is your DH. I suspect he's noticed the discrepancy in gifts but doesn't want to face up to it.

I'd ask for a charity gift mainly because it completely removes you from the issue. They can spend the minimum but someone still benefits.

I am appalled that your DH has not even noticed this happening. If you have now pointed it out to him, I'd be disappointed if he didn't step up and talk to them about the rudeness. How hard is it for him to say "Treat my wife with respect or we will not be participating in Christmas gifts at all, nor will any of us be accepting any from you" ??

You seem very caught up in the minutiae of the family dynamics and engaging in a long drawn out battle of slow hard fought for gains that they may or may not even notice.

I guess what I'm saying is that it seems you are accepting the roles assigned to you and can only move within those tight constraints. I don't understand why it's ok for your h to treat you like a less important member of the family, and that he's content to let family be rude to you and basically buy into the whole 'oh she's not worth anything' position you'be been put in.

You really do need. Your DH needs to sort presents for his family and, if they're shit, they're shit.

If they say anything to you about what they want, you need to direct them to speak to dh as "he will be buying your presents from now on".

Personally I would deal with this by making a joke of the whole thing.

They give your DH and DC good presents and they give you dog poo.

That says far more about them than it does about you.

They want you to feel small so don't let it affect you.

What is the very worst you've been given so far?

I would open your present this Christmas excitedly saying 'I'm so excited - is it some washing up gloves?' 'or loo cleaner' 'or - a pencil?'

Then just say 'thank you so much you're so kind' - show it to your husband and compare your present with his.

I have been the one doing most of the Christmas shopping as DH works long hours and he would buy shite.

Excellent.... he's the ideal person to buy for your ILs then

I have read the whole thread screaming WTAF is your 'D'H playing at!

I like twinkles approach.

Is it dental floss? An old sock? Cornflakes? Bar of soap? Solliled nappy? Cotton buds?Washing up liquid? Ooooh I hope its a lump of coal!!

Funnily enough, my in-laws used to do the same to me- or rather my mil.
She would spell my name wrong in cards, and I'd receive presents with price tags still on them- nothing more than £4.99- again, not about the price- when I was gifting her silk scarves or things related to the hobby she does. DH used to suggest things to then that I might like, but it never made a difference.

It stopped when we got married a few years ago (we were together 7 years beforehand) so it seemed to me that I wasn't considered 'part of the family' until we were officially married.

Could you say you're trying to reduce 'things' in your home and ask them to please not buy you anything?

There is just NO need for people to be so nasty, especially at Christmas. MIL and I have had some failures buying for one another, but we do keep trying, and I think we're both getting better. The clear good will on both sides - even in the face of failures! - makes it worth continuing!

She'd be getting an exact copy of the present she bought me last year this Christmas.

How the heck could she think that was inappropriate. She'd have to have the hide of a rhino to kick up a stink too.

Not alone exact copy, give them back exact piece of rubbish. A glove each...

No need to be nasty? Really? PLEASE purchase a £150 gift oh ... heres a £2 pair of gloves ... thats nasty!!

I had EXACTLY this with the cards. One year they sent me a birthday card for Christmas with 'Happy Birthday' crossed out and 'Merry Christmas' written in. My card was always eater inappropriate (a birthday card meant for a man with a pint of beer and a racing car) or like yours, a notelet.

It only stopped when DH took them on - there was row after row and we ended up NC. At first I thought I was imagining how much they loathed me but after we went NC relatives admitted that all they did was bitch about me! I had taken away their Golden Child - I could have been the perfect wife and it would not have mattered as they were always going to loathe their DIL.

You have ALL my sympathy. I remember the feelings of powerlessness and inferiority when I opened the card. NC was our solution.

Imho, you need to reduce your expectations to zero. Asking for nothing is a step towards that...but it doesn't guarantee your request will be honored, or that it won't be thrown back in your face every year, iyswim.

It is your dh, I agree with pps. I would hope that you get an excellent gift from him, then anything else doesn't matter because you have already had a nice Christmas and no one would have the power to diminish that.

I agree with other posters. Reduce your spending on them and get your DH to sort it.
Not your circus not your monkeys.

Just wrap up last year's gloves and re-gift them to her, with a message saying
'This is the last year I will be exchanging gifts. I am making a donation to charity next year instead- apart from for DH and DC'

Why don't you just come out with it at the gift opening and tell them if that is the best they could give you then they really shouldn't have bothered. If it "spoils" everyone's Christmas, well tough. Or burst into tears and leave the room