Need help telling in-laws not to buy me PA gifts.

[holepuncher]

PIL have form for sending me very PA gifts and cards. DH has just begun to realise that they do this after many years. For example they send me the poorest quality birthday card (sometimes a note-let) they can find, send it 2nd class and late so it gets here 4 days after the event. I kept my DHs and DCs cards for 2 years and then showed my DH the difference in what they receive and what I get because DH thought I was making it up. I only did this to show him that they are PA towards me.

Before DC they mostly never bought me a gift for birthday or Christmas despite us being very generous with them i.e. me the wifey putting the thought into it and going out buying it. On the occasions they have bought me it has been things like a tea towel, a pair of socks or something very similar. My PIL are quite wealthy so it is not a cost issue and they always ask us to buy them expensive gifts. This year they have asked us for something that costs £150. I cannot really get out of spending this because they now spend around this much on DH and the DC so I feel obliged to pass it back and it also makes me feel that I don't owe them anything and we are even. If I ever get a gift it is given very begrudgingly. They buy it so my DH doesn't get annoyed and the box is ticked and they are off the hook.

Anyway, the above may sound strange and some of you are probably poised to type that I should be grateful I get anything and they buy the DC. Don't forget that they did this before DC came along. I am not being grabby as I really do not want anything.

The reason I am writing this is because I cannot stomach another year sitting there watching PIL opening golf gifts, beautifully wrapped scarves, nice perfume and then it's my turn to open my £1.99 gloves from Costco. It makes me feel inferior and that doesn't sit well with me. The bottom line is I do not want anything from them. I am happy to buy for them but I want nothing in return and I do not even want to feel obliged for the £2 gift. DH sit there and open really nice presents and I feel like a twat.

I need a few ideas as to how to say to my MIL that I do not want her to buy me anything in future. I would prefer to not have anything to open from them and for us to be a bit more honest with each other and know that she doesn't want to waste her money or energy on me and I want nothing from her. I need a few pointers as I really need to say this but it is going to come out wrong.

I think I have rtft but currently in hospital with pneumonia so not feeling particularly clever, so apologies if this has already been answered OP, but how long has this behaviour been going on for ? and what would PIL say about their relationship with you if asked ? Why do they dislike you so much ?

Let your DH buy the presents for his family. Stay completely out of it. If he buys crap presents or not the things they asked for, what's wrong with that?

My in-laws gave me tea towels and oven gloves which might not have seemed so bad if mil hadn't trilled 'We were just thinking that every time we're here you've got your head in the oven.'

I bake less for them now ...

Can I be the first to say....

You don't have a PIL problem, you have a DH problem .

I understand he works long hours. Can I reccomend a wonderful new invention to him - it's called the Internet ?

I agree with letting your DH buy the gifts from now on, with a very strict budget - none of the £150 nonsense. Then - do you have all the past gifts? I come from a family of re-gifters, I'd just give them back as a little something from me and say I really think they were much more your taste than mine if there are any comments.

Whatever gift they give you, wrap it up (or not) and give it back to them for their birthday/Christmas.

Or if you are in their house, just "forget" it. If they had you the present just put it to one side and then drop it behind the sofa misplace it.

I'm AMAZED this is going on and your H hadn't even noticed!?!?
Wtf is going on!

So he doesn't notice when his own wife is being treated like the house elf? And how good is it for your DC to see their mother relegated to this deeply insulting position within the family? Bloody bad for them, and bad for you.

NO he doesn't buy their presents. The presents STOP until they treat you with respect.

I say 'they' but what kind of husband is this that he hasn't even noticed?? He clearly sees nothing wrong with it - that's your role, fucking cinderella

A long time ago I hosted a foreign student and the parents dropped off their kid. They gave H some very expensive bottles of wine and gushed all over him.. they gave me a wicker chicken plate thing, must have cost all of 2f. I was deeply insulted - it was daily sexist for a start - particularly as I was the one who was going to be doing most of the work! - and I didn't even know them, they were nothing to me at all. H didn't notice. ExH I should say.

*openly

On Xmas day take DH's gift and say 'ld like to swap. You have my gloves DH and I'll have your xxx (what ever it is)'

Yeah that is very PA.
I left it to my DH and he and his DD bought MIL a witches potion bottle for her bday. I was mortified when she opened it but I didn't know what it was until she did. For xmas he got her (bearing in mind she is very posh hyacinth bouquet type woman) an apron with pictures of Pugs all over it! I hope she knows Im not being it, I just don't have time to deal with his family on top of mine and although DH parents send me a little something I don't feel like they really love or care about me, Im guessing this is how you feel.

doing

I've had this, but as a warning, don't be too honest about things; I did and it blew up in my face!

We bought expensive lovingly wrapped presents (even though we were the poorer ones), and they (S and BIL) bought, pound land presents, broken presents (the ones you find in the clearance sections of shops) and get this.....second hand presents!!! Worn clothes, and shoes, wrapped up. They have an income 4 times ours

SO, one year, I got so mad. I thought honesty was the best policy. Turns out not. They made me out to be a money grabbing, present obsessed, materialistic nut job, and turned the whole thing around.

Definitely ask for a donation to charity, swop presents with your DH (that's a good one!), or ask that they spend the money they would spend on you, on your DC's instead, but don't confront. Clearly there is an issue, or they'd be buying like for like presents like us normal people do.

Luckily for me, I no longer see my family, which means I get to spend my precious money on my DH and my DC's!!! No longer do I have to unwrap crap and have to look pleased, while they look like they've won. I won in the end

Good luck OP! x

NO, don't ask for the money to be spent on your kids, it's bad for your kids to see you being treated like this (labours point)

Ah, but if they only spend £2 on OP, the kids won't be getting much more...

OP, reading this thread with interest. I agree in the main that your DH needs to address this issue with his parents without dragging you in.

As a specific tactic, though, I just recommend that you do NOT even open their gift. As the opening ritual is taking place, just busy yourself admiring your children's gifts, gathering the used paper for the fire or garbage, taking photos or otherwise ignoring their gift. If anyone mentions opening it just smile and say "yes, as soon as I get a moment," and set it aside. Keep doing this. Do NOT give them the sicko satisfaction of seeing you opening their gift. If they press you on it, say, "Oh, I'll get to it this evening - it's so pleasant to have something to look forward to!" with a bright smile. You will drive them crazy in the politest possible manner.

Later in private with your DH open the gift, if you wish, and ask him to contrast it with everyone else's. Or, toss it in your "donation" bin unopened. But again, don't give them the moment they are licking their chops for.

I also think the poster above who suggested putting the 150 pounds in a card, cash, for the demanded gift for PILs is brilliant. It underscores their greed and saves you a shopping trip.

It would be hilarious if you got a hamper basket the same size at the 150 pound gift and then filled it with household cleaning supplies, cheap own brand rich tea biscuits and some Costco gloves.

It's the thought that counts

Oh OP, how mean of them.

I think you need to stop asking them what they want (surely your DH is hurt by their actions too?). If they ask for something, then say that you have already bought something. Make sure you have already bought something in the sales or whenever.

The charity thing would be good as it takes away the option of your MIL hurting you and means you won't go into Christmas ready to be upset by it.

Or, if she refuses to give to charity (which she may do - after all, where is the fun in that for her?), make it into a game with your DH. So, for every 10p under £5 that they spend, he has to make you breakfast in bed, buy you chocolates, do something of a sexual nature etc etc. With a bit of luck the anticipation of finding out what they have given you may mean that you and DH exchange smirks and the odd look that will change the balance a bit. It's almost as though as though she is competing with you over your DH and this the only way she can do it without raising eye brows. Really unpleasant.

If that doesn't work, just buy her seeming lovely, but PA presents back; a jumper in a massive size, awful but expensive lipstick etc.

RTFT now - I also agree with those saying it is a DH problem too. How could he not have noticed?

Who actually days "we enjoy getting nice gifts from you"? They are unhinged!

My MIL used to do this. She once bought me a CD of Don't marry her, fk me!
I just stepped away and uninvolved myself. Christmas Day was so awful at her house that DH wanted to stop going
He then used to go over with the DCs before Christmas for tea. There's a great photo of my young DS nibbling the corner of a manky paste sandwich, (for his evening meal in December), with MIL in a paper party hat. Whoopeee!
After that, DH went for a few years on his own, then after an awful session with them, they went non-contact and when they've decided to get in touch again, DH has ignored because they chose to go NC at Xmas with all of us, even the DC
So you'll never win. If you usually go for an hour Christmas Day, you stay at home, to have a break during the day & put your feet up.
Do NOT be buying DH' s present to them.
That's Christmas past, Christmas future is in your hands. [santa]

Buy yourself a nice gift and wrap IT up. At gift giving whip it out and whisper to PIL thst you bought this because the dc were upset at you not getting as nicer present as them and dh

Just read the thread and agree with those that say to give MIL her gift back assuming you've kept it. Any comments you can tell her that she obviously liked it as she bought it for you but it's not really your taste.

Actually that could be seen as rude. Maybe get her Costco gloves in a different colour and say the yours were so cozy you just had to return the favour! Then suggest that in future you stick to presents for DC only and DC can get them pocket money gifts in return.

Seriously OP I'm furious on your behalf. MIL has bought me odd things occasionally but they have always been bought with love!

I can't believe they've specifically asked for something so expensive. How rude and presumptuous.

I have experienced something similar to this and we now have a £10 rule for presents.

It means that we all get something of similar cost / worth.

I still manage to buy something nicer for others than I receive in return but, at least I haven't spent a fortune.