Need help telling in-laws not to buy me PA gifts.

[holepuncher]

PIL have form for sending me very PA gifts and cards. DH has just begun to realise that they do this after many years. For example they send me the poorest quality birthday card (sometimes a note-let) they can find, send it 2nd class and late so it gets here 4 days after the event. I kept my DHs and DCs cards for 2 years and then showed my DH the difference in what they receive and what I get because DH thought I was making it up. I only did this to show him that they are PA towards me.

Before DC they mostly never bought me a gift for birthday or Christmas despite us being very generous with them i.e. me the wifey putting the thought into it and going out buying it. On the occasions they have bought me it has been things like a tea towel, a pair of socks or something very similar. My PIL are quite wealthy so it is not a cost issue and they always ask us to buy them expensive gifts. This year they have asked us for something that costs £150. I cannot really get out of spending this because they now spend around this much on DH and the DC so I feel obliged to pass it back and it also makes me feel that I don't owe them anything and we are even. If I ever get a gift it is given very begrudgingly. They buy it so my DH doesn't get annoyed and the box is ticked and they are off the hook.

Anyway, the above may sound strange and some of you are probably poised to type that I should be grateful I get anything and they buy the DC. Don't forget that they did this before DC came along. I am not being grabby as I really do not want anything.

The reason I am writing this is because I cannot stomach another year sitting there watching PIL opening golf gifts, beautifully wrapped scarves, nice perfume and then it's my turn to open my £1.99 gloves from Costco. It makes me feel inferior and that doesn't sit well with me. The bottom line is I do not want anything from them. I am happy to buy for them but I want nothing in return and I do not even want to feel obliged for the £2 gift. DH sit there and open really nice presents and I feel like a twat.

I need a few ideas as to how to say to my MIL that I do not want her to buy me anything in future. I would prefer to not have anything to open from them and for us to be a bit more honest with each other and know that she doesn't want to waste her money or energy on me and I want nothing from her. I need a few pointers as I really need to say this but it is going to come out wrong.

PA = passive aggressive no doubt there are 12 replies saying this by now

I would stop buying them expensive and well thought out gifts. Treat them exactly as they are treating you.

I think you need to get out of the mindset that you have to pay them back for what they've spent on your dh and dc. They chose their own spending level - it is not your responsibility. You never know, if you cut right back amd buy them the equivalent of what they have spent on you, then next year they might not blow so much money on your dh/dc and ypu can stop the cycle of ridiculous spending. If they carry on, well that's their choice. The upside is that you would have £150 more, to spend on your own dc.

I also agree that your husband has been very bad in not dealing with this. I dont hold eith the view that he visits them with the kids and you not go. Especially at Christmas. Your ILs shouldn't he allowed to edit you out of the family and visiting alone, indulges them imo.

I take the line that people who cannot be polite to me, dont get access to my kids. Children need not to see their mother being treated disrespectfully by your dh as well as your ILs.

If nothing else, stop shopping for them. It is your husband's responsibility at the best of times but esp in these circumstances.

I agree that it should be your dh standing up for you on this occasion. He is an adult what are the in laws going to do to him if he mentions it? If they are unable to accept criticism then they need to at least be open to suggestions of good presents for you as it is painfully obvious that there is a huge gulf here. If they deny it they are going to look really mean and petty. Your children will also start to notice and their grandparents are role models of adult behaviour so they should be setting a better example to them.

Your DH should deal with it.
Normally people who say that DH should buy presents for his parents irritate me because you join both families. However in this case I should leave him to buy the gifts and put an Oxfam present on your list.
Alternatively you could say that you thought Christmas over commercialised and were getting all adults Oxfam gifts this year.

It was time to declare "gifts for children only" in our house when I got the same ASDA fleece scarf & gloves set 2 years in a row from MIL.

Well why are you buying them a gift?
Stop buying them gifts.

Just buy cheap crap for them this year. What they spend on their grandchildren doesn't matter. If they mention it hold your present up and say "oh sorry, I thought we were only buying cheap crap nowadays" or send them a list of expensive things you'd like (tell them you think their list idea is great so you're using it too).

If I were you I wouldn't be spending Xmas with them full stop!

Sorry what? Your DH happily leaves you to spend £150 on people who are openly rude to you? WTF? Where's your self respect?

There's no way I'd ever sort DH's family presents for him- that is not my responsibility. But if his family gave me crap then I wouldn't be engaging with them at all. A shit present while everyone else opens lovely stuff is worse than no present - it's deliberately belittling.

First, delegate all responsibility for gifts to them to your DH. He sorts the lot from now on.

Great idea to ask for a donation and explain that any gift they give you will be passed on to charity.

Never ask what they'd like. But if they announce what they'd like, you could try countering with, 'Oh yes, I'd like perfume too. I wear Chanel or Hermes.' Then when exchanging gifts, try a PA - oh I'm looking forward to my present from you this year because we agreed we'd buy each other really lovely perfume, didn't we?'

Or you could make a huge fuss of your gift: Oh Look DH! look what they got me! Gloves! I saw these in Costco. Thank you soooo much. What did they get you? oh a cashmere sweater, and gloves for me. We'll all be so warm this winter due to their thoughtfulness, won't we? Honestly, you do spoil us.' etc etc. And watch them squirm.

Or you could be wonderfully frank. It could be so liberating. 'Please don't buy me anything. I can tell you don't want to, because you always buy me very cheap things with little thought to them and it doesn't help me warm towards you. I appreciate you spend money on DH and the children and am happy for you to be honest about your affections and leave it there.'

You have to be quite angry to do any of that PA stuff back at them, but no harm. I had enough of our absolutely vile PA family member when she was a cow at a funeral, and I gushed with enthusiasm at her lies about her job until she was squirming at how obvious it was that she'd been lying. She hasn't spoken to me since.

"With all that is going on in the world at the moment it's really time to just do gifts for the DC's from now on" - is what your DH should be telling them.

Then you can give either an Oxfam goat or the token scented candle or box of chocolates or regift the Costco gloves

I wouldn't go into the buy me a goat, cow , chicken gift business of Oxfam, they would relish buying you this crap and you will feel worse for it (sorry but those are not "thoughtful" gifts unless they are accompanied by a very nice other gesture and/or a request for them).

I would simply let DH sort the gifts for them and let him wrap them and find cards. He might not get gloves from Costco for them but, you wouldn't get the slap on the face after trying so hard.

This is easy.

Buy MIL a pair of Costco gloves. Buy FIL a pair of socks.

Job done.

What's the probem?

I can't believe people ask for a certain amount of money to be spent, and more fool those that spend it. I'd be telling them to jog on, regardless of who they were

why are you sorting out their gift?
that should be dh's job really.

I would be passive aggressive back. A pair of gloves each like they did for you only really garish like neon green and covered in crystals or a hot water bottle to warm their cold stony hearts. A book on 'how to be the perfect in laws', 'How to cope with your son flying the nest' or 'how to treat your daughter in law like she was your own'

Ok, joking aside...
I wouldn't buy the £150 gift. Anyone who specifies a gift without being first asked what they would like can stuff it in my book.

Get them something you feel is appropriate. Personally I like the idea of gifting them a charitable donation my fave would be to donate the £150 to the foodbank to give someone a good xmas. I'd be inclined to buy a small hamper - bottle of wine and some xmas cake or even a ticket so they could take their grand-kids out for the day and spend some time with them.

OP don't you dare spend what they've asked you to on them!

Who the fuck dictates what someone should buy and spend on them for Christmas?

You should in no way feel obligated to spend so much because they spend that much on they're grandchildren.Normal behaving Granparents spoil they're grandchildren because they love them not because of what they may or may not get in return.

As for you sorting out they're gifts,you mean you did in the past but from this year on and all following years your DH is sorting,buying and wrapping all gifts for his parents.

Please don't tolerate them treating you like this any longer,your posts are some of the saddest I've read on when it comes to how PIL's treat they're childrens wifes/husbands.

Your DH needs to step up if my DH had been treated like that by my family I'd off gone flaming ape and he'd be the same with his parents and he should have been giving you all the credit for the presents that were bought for his parents.

My ex used to take all the credit for everything I did and bought for his family and I hated him for it.

My DH was doing the same until I had a massive argument with him about it and he hasn't done it since.I think unless they're the one's putting all the effort in and doing all the spending they have no idea how upsetting it is when someone else takes the credit.

If it was me, fortunately it's not, but if it was I'd laighnin their face when they asked for £150 gift then go to £land and but them 3 things each and put it in a gift bag. If your OH doesn't like it, he can sort theirs next year.

The other option is to keep what they give this year, give it back to them next year.

passive aggressive merguez. A gift with a sting in the tail. or someone who says something, or behaves in a certain way, that leaves you thinking 'you what?!" after a few minutes.

^passive aggressive
A defense mechanism that allows people who aren't comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them^

My MIL was the opposite; she used to make snarky, horrible comments to me away from my DH but always bought me an expensive gift for my birthday. She thought money bought off her other bad deeds. But, when I had my second dd, she did not even send a card nor bought her anything. When dd was six weeks old, my DH mentioned this to her, although I had said nothing. Her response was to buy her a cardigan from the local outside market. She did not buy my girls an easter egg, but gave my DH around a pound in loose coins. What you are saying brings it all back. I was made to feel I had done something unspeakable, and your mil has kept up this campaign for too long.

I have nothing to do with her now. My dh visits but did not for some time. She lives her life of self indulgence and does not send her gd's birthday cards when she lost interest and control, whilst buying expensive gifts for her daughter's kids. My eldest dd does not understand why she does not respond to her texts asking after her. History repeats itself.

Sorry I really can't offer any advice but your DH needs to step up and stop your humiliation. Why should she benefit from your family when she treats you like this.

My MIL used to send money for DS2 and me. DH and DS1 got $20 each and me and DS2 used to receive $20.

In the cards she'd tell me to spend the change on myself. Bless.

What disgusting behaviour! Your dh really should be letting them know that it is unacceptable. If he won't I second buying them a cheap gift. Just do it. My sil and bil did this to me. So I bought them each a cheap gift. I got so sick of it. They have bought me more appropriate gifts since.

Are your PILs this nasty in other areas of their life, or is it just towards you? It takes some effort to be that mean year after year.

Shame on your DH for being blind to it all. I'm

Buy them the same crappy gifts they get you. They can't exactly complain without looking stupid.

Sorry but more fool you and your dh for going along with their wishes, box of chocolates or something of similar value, if it were me to be honest she'd be getting a matalan scarf and he'd get a pair of gloves. I am very PA back to people like this, its the only way I think they realise.

Although i'm very jealous of your gloves, I once was there at Mil's when she opened a catalogue parcel, it was when they gave you free gifts for spending so much and it was a massive personal cd player. 2 weeks later I had to look excited as I opened the gift bag it had been placed in, obviously someone had used it and decided they didn't want it, so she'd stuffed it in a used gift bag for me.

Other gems include a tatty boots £5 voucher from her handbag with pen all over it, a broken bracelet and a rather revealing underwear set meant for a husband buying for his wife type. I buy them nothing now and she gets me pyjamas every year in a size too large. still very PA towards me so I have as little to do with them as possible.

From your thread title, I thought they were sending you Peter Andre gifts. That really would be a terrible punishment. They don't sound very kind or thoughtful toward you though.

I really need to find the guts to tell my relatives that the adults in our house don't want or need anything this year.

Could you ask them for toiletries for the women's refuge shoe box appeal this year?