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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm 28, he's 52. I'm in love and don't know what to do

329 replies

Hellobearbear · 11/11/2015 21:29

Just that really.

I've never felt so connected to someone or so attracted.

I want kids, he is prepared to do this, and he already has two of his own.

My heart literally aches for him when I'm not with him.

Is it naive to think I wouldn't find this again with someone younger? I feel like he is my soulmate. But I don't want to look back in ten years and wonder if I made the wrong choice. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Madbengalmum · 11/11/2015 21:59

Ffs who is Rhys???

DearFox · 11/11/2015 21:59

Oh right................ I get it. Geez.

What cactus annie says. Not only is he a shit, but he's 52 as well. Come on.

fastdaytears · 11/11/2015 22:00

Cannot believe Rhys is shagging around. He seemed like such a great guy.

DearFox · 11/11/2015 22:01

Is this another archers ref?

Movingonmymind · 11/11/2015 22:01

i think this particular age gap IS an issue, 10-15 years, depending on timing? no problem, but 24 years is a whole generation and you will regret wasting your youth/fertility/finite window of 'young woman' attractiveness on such an older man. You can never reclaim this time again once you're 35/40/45...you are young enough to still have options. Exercise them and go away and nurse that broken heart and get out there again.

DinosaursRoar · 11/11/2015 22:02

OP - in my experience, couples having affairs end up being very intense and having lots of angst like you are feeling, whereas if you dated the same man openly for the same period of time, it might not be there. It's the secretiveness, the 'wanting what you cant have', the sneeking around, that makes it feel far more special than the relationship actually is.

If you were able to date openly, spend long amounts of time together in each other's homes, spend time with friends, the age gap and the difference between which life stages you are at would have been highlighted. I assume he's not spent time with your friends and family, you've not spent time with his. You've not seen how hard it would be to combine your lives and how different they are.

It is unlikely this man is your soulmate - or rather, it's unlikely if you were both single and openly dating that you'd find him your soulmate.

(One more thing worth thinking about, in my experience of age gap relationships with an older man, it doesn't make the man live a younger lifestyle, even though they often think they will - rather it's the woman prematurely ages in an attempt to fit in with his friends, family and work/family commitments)

DickDewy · 11/11/2015 22:03

So he's still married? Or in a relationship?

You won't get much sympathy on here as it all been seen before.

Why is his still with his partner? Is it because of the children (and of course they never have sex...)?

You're young, he's not and has baggage, and you're breaking up a family. Is he worth it?

Leelu6 · 11/11/2015 22:03

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NorthernLurker · 11/11/2015 22:04

'rhys' was a typo not an adulterer

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 11/11/2015 22:05

leelu quite.

TopHat33 · 11/11/2015 22:06

That must feel tough OP. But you (and he?) are talking about having children? If he's married he shouldn't be having a relationship with you at all, let alone talking about having children. Thats just wrong.

This isn't really a question of age difference, it's a question of thinking you can have a meaningful relationship with someone who has already committed and promised to love forever someone else. when you think about the nice things he says to you, remember He's in a relationship with someone else. Unless he leaves his wife then he is not ever going to be in a loving and respectful relationship with you. Full stop. And if he's discussing having children with you while still married to someone else then he is not a good man. Either he leaves his wife right now to be with you, or you stop seeing him now and find a man you deserve. That's it really, there aren't any other options. No excuses about finding the right time, if he's married and has kids then there is absolutely never going to be a right time.

I guess you know this really, which is perhaps why you posted re: ages looking for reassurance. The only reassurance you can have about being with him, is if he commits to being with you instead of his wife. If that's not going to change then you have your answer, and hopefully what that tells you about a man like that will make it far easier for you to walk away.

And so in answer to your first question, yes. You will find someone else. Someone who loves you entirely and is not married to another woman.

flanjabelle · 11/11/2015 22:06

Have you got daddy issues by any chance?

HelloItsMeAgain · 11/11/2015 22:06

My sister wasted her 30s on a married man 13 years older than her. By the time he got some other OW (ie not his wife and not her) pregnant she was in her late 30s.

By the time she finally extracted her self told him to fuck off she was 39.

She then spent 4 years internet dating in desperation trying to find someone to settle down with and have a family.

She is now 47. Single. Childless and accepts her crap decisions in her late 20s fucked up her whole life.

Get out.

Now.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 11/11/2015 22:08

I want kids, he is prepared to do this, and he already has two of his own.

You're 28 no stretch marks and tits that still point in the right direction he's 52 (and married) he'll tell you whatever it takes to get your knickers off.

He thinks he's died and gone to heaven.

My heart literally aches for him when I'm not with him.

It's all a bit forbidden love/Romeo and Juliet isn't it? Do you think you're the first woman he's cheated on his wife with? I doubt it.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 11/11/2015 22:08

Tell him you can only be with him if he leaves his wife.
And then stop seeing him until he does.

^^This. With bells on.

He's a liar. He's lying to his wife and children. Do you want to be with a liar?

Vijac · 11/11/2015 22:09

It is hard work parenting and doing it with someone by then nearing retirement age, who also already has the responsibility for another family, is unlikely to be easy or fun. It's not just the age gap, it's also the fact that he is a cheater and he already has other children (not to mention the wife.) Give yourself the chance for happiness in your life, this sounds like infatuation not rational, real love. Find someone like you young and single.

HopefulHamster · 11/11/2015 22:10

You're SO in love with him because you're not in a real relationship when you're having an affair, you don't have any of the difficult bits, only the lust and the yearning to see each other. What will it feel like when he's moaning about there being nothing in the fridge or you're picking his pants out of the washbasket yet again?

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 11/11/2015 22:11

Okay so I am pro age gap relationships.
But this isn't a relationship.
This is an affair.
You could be seen as a home wrecker, esp. As he has children even though his wife might be awful (or so he might say).
If you had met each other in the street, had time to flourish without each other needing to rush back off to their wives, would you want to be together? Or are you just caught in the moment and excited?

whirlybird42 · 11/11/2015 22:11

Wonder how those telling the op to carry on would feel if it was their Dh involved.
There is responsibility on both sides imo. A responsibility to be a decent human being, have a degree of integrity and not knowingly crash into someone else's marriage.

DearFox · 11/11/2015 22:12

Helloitsmeagain, that's so sad. It must have been torture to watch her waste those years on him.

TwoSmellyDogs · 11/11/2015 22:12

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NewLife4Me · 11/11/2015 22:13

You won't have any children with him because he's telling you what you want to hear.
Even if he wanted to which I doubt, he may not still be capable.
Stop sneaking around and ask him to divorce so you can be married as time is of the essence for any children.
Then see him vanish rather quickly.
I'm sorry for you, I won't give you a hard time as you sound so very young, with a lot of growing up still to do.
Do you really want to be a carer for him as he grows old and you grow into your prime.

RollingRollingRolling · 11/11/2015 22:13

Age isn't the issue, its the fact he's married, sadly you're his younger bit on the side. He won't leave his wife for you. If you ask him to leave, he will just find someone else.
You feel this way because when he is with you he is excited and treats you well, because this is his secret sordid affair.
Ask him to leave his wife, let her know this week. If he doesn't there's your out. None of this "I need to wait until after Christmas for the kids/them to finish uni"
He won't leave his wife for you. Ever.

ICantSpellNoffink · 11/11/2015 22:19

How old are his kids?

seasidesally · 11/11/2015 22:20

My sister wasted her 30s on a married man 13 years older than her. By the time he got some other OW (ie not his wife and not her) pregnant she was in her late 30s.

By the time she finally extracted her self told him to fuck off she was 39.

She then spent 4 years internet dating in desperation trying to find someone to settle down with and have a family.

She is now 47. Single. Childless and accepts her crap decisions in her late 20s fucked up her whole life.

Get out.

Now.

yes a very true scenario and it is more common than we realise,op dont be that female

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