I'm 28, he's 52. I'm in love and don't know what to do

[Hellobearbear]

Just that really.

I've never felt so connected to someone or so attracted.

I want kids, he is prepared to do this, and he already has two of his own.

My heart literally aches for him when I'm not with him.

Is it naive to think I wouldn't find this again with someone younger? I feel like he is my soulmate. But I don't want to look back in ten years and wonder if I made the wrong choice. I don't know what to do.

Age doesn't matter hubby and I have a 30 year difference between us.

"no libido and are predatory"

Apart from anything else, you'd think the first of those would make the second less likely.

He will go off you when you've lost your youthful looks. But on the plus side, he'll be too ancient to do anything about it, so he won't ditch you and you'll get to do the geriatric nursing bit too - lucky you.

Ive seen male posters claim on here that some women are just as shallow as some men.

Well done to the posters who have validated their claims.

OP, you'll be dating men this age soon enough. Don't waste your youth dating older men.

I agree with Galiban and Rousette. I turned down a couple of sleazy owlfellaz in my 20s. Was horrified. I agree that for every 'mistress with a low self esteem' type that you see with a rich older man, there were who knows HOW many who turned him down first.

i don't think it is a 'given' at all that young women like rich older men. Most like men their own age and don't notice older men.

I dated someone with a similar age gap a while ago.

I'd say there was chemistry and love and some good experiences but there was NO way I'd have let it go on longer.

I can't remember the exact post, but someone wrote being with someone older made her feel socially "safe" for a while, like being a child again having everything organised for you?

And yes, it is actually quite fun (for a while) having a certain amount of sexual power but there is nothing in it longer term.

Ok whilst dating, but as soon as one gets into proper relationship territory it gets ridiculous.

I wouldn't class him as a friend now, even though I tried to connect.

We are part of the same social group (shared interest) , and yes, as other posters have noted, although we had good conversations, it would seem that I am as dull as ditchwater to him when he doesn't have sexual access to my younger body .

The only friendly messages he replies to are ones in which he can insist there is some sort of connection between us.

Oh, yes, the children. They were simultaneously resentful of me whilst expecting that I would be "carer" whilst they got the house.

I plan to move abroad and he assumed I would work and my home there would function as a rent-free holiday home for himself, his children and their friends also had a strong suspicion he would have tried to put a small amount of money in then leave this share to his children.

Although he had had a good career and a decent early pension, he was very clear that his agenda was always to maximise any finances for his children.

He'd been divorced for a long time when we met, and even though my career was WAY behind his - simply because of the age difference - he assumed as my work blossomed any additional money I had would pay for weddings/house deposits for his children, so there would never be any financial security for me.

As for my retirement and old age after he passed away? Why I'd just transfer my home to his children and fuck off into the sunset penniless, having spent 10 years as carer?

So if you think an older man looking at you and conveying "wow" and desiring you is "love", I'd think again.

Gosh phone, what an opportunist. You were in s relationship of sorts with him and therefore anything that was yours was also his children's? Blimey. You totally dodged a creepy bullet there.

phone that sounds like a cocklodger to me. They come in all age groups.

I think he picked up that I was conscious about being labelled as a gold-digger, so therefore made an effort to contribute.

It wasn't for a long time so it didn't hugely influence my life or finances, but I think he was seeing it as "I've worked hard in my career so deserve to have some time off, and my children deserve a high standard of living".

I think he saw the fact that I didn't have children and am CFBC as "that's great, phone can contribute any excess to my children."

When they are young adults with good degrees so it seemed very weird and entitled?

Just part of the weirdness that came with the age gap I guess!

I think men after a messy divorce look for someone new and think that woman "owes" them and their children because they lost out financially the 1st time round.

Certainly I understood that the 1st divorce had had decimated the family "joint pot".

But it was odd and entitled to then consider some random younger woman as the thing to glue up the financial gap.

I think my take-home would be "date don't marry" is often a good solution for age-gap relationships.

YY Phone I think that many women are a bit scared of being seen as a gold digger so feel they have to act in a way which proves they are not.

Unfortunately its them more possible to be taken advantage of by a cocklodger/financial abuser.

wow, phone, what a user.

my x also capitalised on my fear of being seen as a gold digger to screw me financially.

Yes, a lot of women in age gap relationships state "well I ended up being breadwinner and had to nurse him for 15 years" as if they have something to prove.

Fair cop, but it seems a lot simpler to only seriously partner up with someone at similar age/income level/career stage to begin with, then parity is easier to naturally achieve.

I actually bumped into the ex at our social group recently, and we spoke briefly, and he expressed his own worry about nursing homes (related to his parents going into one).

So it re-inforced how even though I felt we had an intellectual/emotional connection, to him when he intensely said "I love you" he meant "I love the idea of a fit young thing for now, and in 15 years time, someone to automatically care for me because I think my children should be shielded from that burden".

(incidentally we didn't go out long enough to make any dent in my finances or plans!

But I think that even though the sexist perception is "young woman on the make and looking for an easy financial ride" the reality can be it's the older man who is the user)

phone i care for my older DH but he is very respectful to me for it.

Helena your posts are very measured and I certainly found my older man attractive and knew what he was doing in bed a lot better than younger lovers I still miss him yes probably some grey pubes in there too

I just think that I owed my future self more options?

True he did most of the housework/hosting and was generally supportive, but really "housework for two healthy people" is not a big deal whilst nursing someone is.

Or if he'd said "look, the age difference may result in caring issues, but I'll arrange for the financial future, make X allowances for you so at least you won't be out of pocket".

It was the selfish assumption that things would just drift along because we were In Love and I'd automatically step into that role (or be labelled a heartless bitch) that got me irritated.

Hard to figure out which is worse, really: either an older man who'd cut his children off for a younger wife, or one like phone describes, who'd expect the younger wife to be left with nothing and the kids with everything.

In other words: a person with a lot of baggage (ie: family) is never going to mean a secure and happy future for anyone involved. My father was widowed young and married again. His second wife was 11 years younger so not a generation like the OP is looking at, but my mum had been a couple of years older (and wiser) so it must have seemed almost like marrying someone from another generation (and certainly once he was re-married my dad seemed to have very little in common with the younger model - he'd had a wealth of things to talk about with mum). And half the house mum went out to work to pay for, was no longer for my brother and I but to be split between us and 4 step siblings. To be "fair".

My dad has been dead a few years now but the younger bride lives on (with dementia). If my stepmother goes into a nursing home, I will lose every penny my mother worked for ever. My brother and I already stood to lose 2/3rds of it anyway. It's not a nice feeling from the child's side either to see everything your birth parent being handed over to strangers.

I agree Joffrey. No winners here.

It's common to have One-itis and think intense feelings can override practicalities, but there's always other men out there - especially in early 30's, one can go young or same age with ease!

Also I wonder how much of the ill feeling from the daughters towards me was due to the closeness in age - due to his line of work, my ex had regularly dated very attractive younger women after his divorce, so I was seen as a social competitor rather than a maternal older figure.

That's another thing - I think if he had REALLY cared for his children's wellbeing he'd have picked a mature woman with nurturing tendences not someone like me! He wanted to have his cake and eat it really.

But if he deliberately picked someone with nurturing tendencies surely thats still "using" as well as in for childcare.

Because of the sexist world we live in stepmothers are expected to do a darn sight more than stepfathers are.

You're in love with him. I think he really likes you. You both want the same thing. Love doesn't come along or at least falling in love doesn't come along every day. Please do not let him slip away just because of the age differnce.
I know it's a clique to say but age is only a number

There's lots of reasons why op may not have came back Mary
She could be working
Her internet access could be down
She may be ill.
She may be reading and processing the replies
She may be too busy shagginghaving fun with her man

I reckon the OP was a 52 year old man, fantasising that somewhere out there there's a 28 year old who'd shag him.

I wholeheartedly think you should pursue this love of yours. I met my husband at a similar age when he was far older than I (I was 24 and he was 45). We had many happy years, and two delightful children. In this time he showed me the world, eventually allowing me to become a stay at home mother. Unfortunately, after 15 years of marriage, I discovered my ex-husband was involved in a sordid affair involving a number of women. Although this led to our divorce, it gifted me a considerable amount of money, and a wonderful house for me and my children. So, pursue all you wish, and if it doesn't work out, think of the money.

phone I have to admit - even if I'd attracted a man in his 50s when I was in my 20s, I think I'd always have been conscious of the fact, on some level, that I'd be having more fun and ultimately more of a future with someone my own age or at least, my own generation. ;o)

As you get older, you value companionship (cliche but true) and I don't think a corpse gives any of that. But also, in terms of just companionship - some of the best conversations I have with my husband are about things from say the 70s and 80s we both remember - a shared culture that you simply can't have with someone of another generation if you were watching The Poddington Peas when he was watching Newsnight. And his version of Poddington Peas was Watch With Mother...

Our 50 odd year old neighbour with the 29/30 year old wife happens to have a voice like a foghorn (only louder) so we can't not hear his many Garden Conversations. And the gist of a lot of it (addressed to the young wife and the toddlers) is along the lines of "get offa my lawn"/"things ain't what they used to be"/"cars nowadays are pieces of shit"/"why do you spend all day on a mobile phone?" etc etc. It must be like a perpetual marriage to a teenager on his side and on her's, an old fart. I'm about his age and have a child only a couple of years younger than her - so I know for a fact how deep that age gap truly is.

The fact some of us on here have found it creepy has been used by others to accuse us of ageism which is basically to derail the thread and a red herring. But if you drill down, some of those accusing others of ageism here have a vested interest in wanting to believe others don't see it as creepy. That seems to be the dynamic, here, to use 'ageism' as a reason to deflect and distract from the discussion but the reality is... we are hard-wired to find it creepy.

You're in love with him. I think he really likes you. You both want the same thing. Love doesn't come along or at least falling in love doesn't come along every day. Please do not let him slip away just because of the age differnce.
I know it's a clique to say but age is only a number

Lighthouse, did you miss the bit about him being, y'know, married already?

'Age is just a number' might possibly be useful words to say to friends of ours with an 18-year age gap - no other current relationship, no dependents - who are cautiously, nervously edging towards the possibility of marriage, knowing that plenty of people are going to say 'Yuck, how could you?'

It's not a useful phrase in this case.