DP and EA with OW - renewed contact

[onemorechance]

Have NC as regular poster. Would really appreciate some simplistic and objective advice. I will try and keep this brief.

• DP had an EA a year ago or so which lasted a few short months before they fell out and he went NC with OW.
• OW bumped into DP a few weeks ago.
• She initiated contact via text to which he responded and they exchanged text dialogue. Maybe 10 or so text messages. She sent the last text, he hasn't responded.

My personal opinion is that he should not have responded at all to her text. DP is saying he was just being polite, hence responded to a few, and then stopped.

Am I right to be livid?

Hello all, it's been a few months and was re reading the thread, so thought I may as well give an update.

Our relationship is moving forwards. We are making plans to marry (not engaged yet, but soon) and buy a home together. He is treating me extremely well and I feel content for the first time in a long while.

We spoke about the OW, finally. He was honest, very genuine. He admitted the affair (he has already done so before). They were physical, but no sex. He also confessed that she has been back in touch (he did this without me prompting). He admits stringing her along agreeing to lunch dates but never actually turns up. He says he does this because he needs to stay civil for professional reasons, but he has no intention of ever meeting her for lunch as she has made it clear she wants to start things up again, so now he just ignores her messages.

I'm glad you feel things are getting better . But I would encourage you not to get married or have kids soon, you need a lot longer to see if he is trustworthy

What a dishonest and feeble man you're about to marry, onemore. He has plans for lunch and then doesn't turn up... because he needs to maintain a professional demeanour... really? Does this even sound realistic to you?

I feel so sorry for you. You're so desperate to keep hold of him you will do so at any cost.

I hope he doesn't marry you. That would be the kindest thing that he could do for you because you don't have the strength to get rid of this deceitful player. You know that you're now his 'the one' and you're still ok with that. You'll still marry him. I don't know why your self-esteem is so very poor but it's not going to improve whilst you're with this man watching, waiting and snooping to find out whether he's been in touch, had sex or met up with a dozen different woman.... you're in so deep that you will never get out until he dumps you, when he finds his 'one' or when he just gets fed up of being with a forgiving doormat.

I wish you well - and single to heal and recover your damaged self-esteem so that you could find actual happiness with somebody for who you will be 'The One'. This man is not he.

not 'his one'.

He has plans for lunch and then doesn't turn up... because he needs to maintain a professional demeanour... really? Does this even sound realistic to you?

It's not personally how I would go about things, but why else would he do it?

Oh dear.
Do not marry him.
He is still arranging meetings with ow.
He is not doing this to look professional as its not professional to make lunch arrangements and not turn up. So either he is turning up or he gets some other satisfaction from the ongoing relationship e.g enjoys the attention.

You will possibly live to regret it if you marry him.
Why has he not blocked her number?

How many warning signs do you need before you dump him?

I hope you can find happiness with a new and worthy partner who loves and respects you.

He does it as he is keeping her dangling on a string. What if one day they arrange lunch and he actually turns up?

Oh dear ^ this

I have just read your thread and I am sorry but you have very low expectations and boundaries. Combined with an almost child like mentality in compartmentalisation.

The number of times you wrote they did not have sex, even on your update you wrote They were physical, but no sex. I am sorry but that to 99% of people on here, that is a ludicrous statement. At least be honest with yourself. They had intimacy, sexual contact, but "possibly" not PIV.

Why would your DP be honest with you, when you demonstrate you are not honest with yourself (hence the boundaries issues).

Good luck for the future, sadly as someone up post wrote, I fear your future is built on sand.

OP i am going to go against the grain here and say congratulations on your improved relationship and your forthcoming marriage. So many people on here have been put through the mill by lying, cheating abusive men, that they cannot (understandably)understand forgiveness of infidelity.
He has not been back in contact.
He hasn't met up with her despite myriad opportunities and requests.
He isn't married to you and could have left with her at any time.
He hasn't slept with her because the 'evidence' you have that confirms this, I guess, that you have read text messages at the time of the EA along the lines of ' I can't sleep with you until you leave her'...
This would be pretty conclusive and I see no reason to question what you 'know' OP.

Many many marriages/relationships do recover from infidelity and continue to be long and happy. Some times it is a wake up call, when the unfaithful partner realises what they have so nearly lost.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

Marilyn, thanks for your kind words. I honestly believe he was having some sort of mid life crisis and it was all a blip.

OW was actually willing to DTD, it was him that declined...

mill by lying, cheating abusive men, that they cannot (understandably)understand forgiveness of infidelity

But her partner hasn't even admitted that he has been unfaithful . Let alone been repentant . So it's less about forgiveness and more about turning a blind eye

He has not been back in contact

Yes he has, he has agreed to meet up for lunch. But he's only doing it for " professional reasons "

He hasn't met up with her despite myriad opportunities and requests

The OP only has his word for that . I work in professional services and i can assure you that it's NOT part of the job to make lunch dates and Then not turn up .

He isn't married to you and could have left with her at any time

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but people CAN leave even if they are married

He hasn't slept with her because the 'evidence' you have that confirms this, I guess, that you have read text messages at the time of the EA along the lines of ' I can't sleep with you until you leave her'.. This would be pretty conclusive

I must have missed that bit about that text . However I don't think you can have " proof" of what goes on behind closed doors unless you were in the room with them . Unfortunately people lie about sex all the time.

Also some people draw up weird rules in their heads to convince themselves they are telling the truth eg it wasn't sex, it was only a BJ , I wore a condom / it was only once / I was drunk so it doesn't count

I'm sorry to disagree with you, but I think you are giving the OP false reassurance . Of course she can stay in the relationship if that what's she wants, but she should do so with her eyes wide open . Marrying a cheater wil not make him faithful . She may be willing to turn a blind eye to his infidelities amd of course that's up to her .

Of course she can stay in the relationship if that what's she wants, but she should do so with her eyes wide open . Marrying a cheater wil not make him faithful . She may be willing to turn a blind eye to his infidelities amd of course that's up to her

I think that the above sums it up perfectly. I'm still not understanding how it could remotely be construed as "professional" to agree to a meeting which you have no intention of attending. In my line of work it would be considered anything other than professional.

OP, surely the correct response to a suggested lunch meeting is that your DP has great respect for the OW but that he is a man in a committed relationship which did stumble last year but happily is now back on track?

It's not personally how I would go about things, but why else would he do it

to keep her in the loop, so he can pick up where he left off whenever he pleases.

If he had any respect for you then he wouldn't hape responded at all and told you straight away. These are the facts

Good luck though

So you think he is intending at some point to meet?

I have gone through everything in my head over and over again.

They were physical, but he never had PIV with her, even when she offered. He is not interested in that.

So those saying he can pick up where he left off, pick up what exactly? Resume the EA? EAs tend to lead to PIV generally speaking, but he has proven time and time again he isn't in it for that...

He is not interested in sex?

Op, you keep minimising. It was not an EA they had physical contact. Stop deluding yourself and call it what it is.

You make him sound like a moral champion with his aversion to PIV. It's weird.

Sorry to be blunt but what do you actually think happened "physically"? Is it less of a problem if she gave him a blowjob?

Ok, terminology error. Wasn't an EA as there was kissing and hugging. But no PIV, no touching or seeing of genitals whatsoever.

He is not a moral champion, but at least he knew he had to draw a line somewhere (no that it makes it any better). There comes a point where there is no going back or salvaging the relationship. If he had PIV or anything similar it would be much harder for me forgive as that is just too close for me to stomach.

She wanted sex, he said no.

Your partner told you that he didn't see or touch the OW genitals ? < head explodes >

And you believe him because ?

He didn't tell me, this is what I gathered from the messages. She was very explicit about the whole situation and what she wished she could have done.

OP, you're behaving like a doormat. Doormats are really unattractive to just about everybody. Be prepared for him not to find this attractive either and continue lying to you.

You have NO idea if he had sex or not, you're just believing him because you want to, because there is some kind of arbitrary 'line in the sand' with you and you just don't want to lose him.

'She wanted sex, he said no'... how naïve you are and how little you think of yourself. How sad that is.

LyingWitch, I don't think you have read my messages properly otherwise you would know that this information didn't come from him.

I have been 100% open and honest with what I know as factual and where the grey areas are. Them not having sex is something I 100% factually know to be correct.

Because an OW would always be honest wouldn't she. Unless you are joined to him at the hip you cannot be 100% sure on anything.

I think everyone needs to get off the OP's back and accept that sometimes, not everyone wishes to end their relationship no matter what the MN consensus says. OP appears to be very sure that the relationship her Fiancé has had with this OW did not proceed to full sex and who are we to know better. ? We are not in her relationship! However to be fair, OP has mentioned time and time again, that wether he put his penis in her vagina is really not the issue, for the OP the issue was his contact and emotional entanglement with OW that upset her the most.

OP now sees great improvement in her relationship, she is a big girl who can obviously make her own decisions and she has decided that she wants to marry with this man. All I can say is, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage, keep your eyes wide open and don't put up with any nonsense !