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Original poster

DP and EA with OW - renewed contact

154 replies

onemorechance · 11/11/2015 19:20

Have NC as regular poster. Would really appreciate some simplistic and objective advice. I will try and keep this brief.

  • DP had an EA a year ago or so which lasted a few short months before they fell out and he went NC with OW.
  • OW bumped into DP a few weeks ago.
  • She initiated contact via text to which he responded and they exchanged text dialogue. Maybe 10 or so text messages. She sent the last text, he hasn't responded.

My personal opinion is that he should not have responded at all to her text. DP is saying he was just being polite, hence responded to a few, and then stopped.

Am I right to be livid?

OP posts:
ElfishPresly · 06/01/2016 21:15

The fact that you have questions about him seeing her naked is enough. Have you asked him? Do you believe his replies?

I am glad things are better for you, but how the hell do you live with the uncertainty of what went on?

Original poster
onemorechance · 06/01/2016 21:30

I have asked and I believe him as the responses reconcile with what I know from other sources. From what he told me during their dry humping session her clothing became 'loose'.

It has been hard. Even now, having to type what they did, it's still hard. I accept that even if these are the full physical details, I will never know what he felt for her during that time....if anything at all.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 06/01/2016 21:44

As much as you're worries about leaving him and being on your own, there is absolutely nothing more lonely and heartbreaking than being in a relationship like this.

AyeAmarok · 06/01/2016 21:48

I don't understand, you say you have stopped checking his messages.

So how do you know he has definitely not met her? Or that she has texted him a few times asking?

And why does this make you happy?!

Why are you doing this to yourself. You deserve so much more than a relationship with this level of torture.

RivieraKid · 06/01/2016 21:53

From what he told me during their dry humping session her clothing became 'loose'.

Wha...I...Oh, this is a mess.

You really deserve more than this.

Original poster
onemorechance · 06/01/2016 22:06

I used to check every day. Then in Dec I really did my best to not check, but I tripped up twice towards the end of the month. In that time, I could see she had sent some texts wanting to meet and pin down a date, but he ignored those particular messages.

2016, I have decided I am not going to check at all.

As per my name, I am giving him one more chance. He made a mistake and accepts that he did. I have forgiven him, though it still plays on my mind, it gets easier each day.

I hope we can rebuild the trust in the relationship.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 06/01/2016 22:08

How do you rebuild the trust when he's still not being honest with you?

Original poster
onemorechance · 06/01/2016 22:11

Why do you think he is not being honest?

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 06/01/2016 22:23

onemore, it seems you have decided to keep the relationship rather than the secret control. I think that's better than both, to be sure, but not ideal probably, since I doubt your (anyone's ability) to resist temptation to check, and I doubt that someone who has described your relationship as he has in the past is really as committed as you hope. Those two things will infect each other. But I think, for what it's worth, this is a better path than the one you were on. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and if nothing but this man is what you seek, there's something to be said for being blind in both eyes.

Marilynsbigsister · 06/01/2016 22:45

This is no way to live op. You deserve more.

AyeAmarok · 06/01/2016 22:51

Why do you think he is not being honest?

Because he hasn't told you about these messages. Or him replying and agreeing to lunch.

If a relationship has any chance of recovering from an affair there needs to be complete honesty and transparency, on both sides really, but especially on the part of the cheater.

He is still hiding things from you.

Blodss · 06/01/2016 23:01

How do you actually know for sure that they didn't have full sex?

Hissy · 06/01/2016 23:24

Love, they lie. Cheats lie and your oh was and still is lying.

You don't say to leave a partner to be together without having sex, you just don't.

Hissy · 06/01/2016 23:25

Has someone shown you the cheaters script?

Blodss · 06/01/2016 23:34

I have to agree with Hissy here. Men don't leave OH for just a kiss. Takes much more than that and not dry humping which is what teenagers do, not grown ups.

AyeAmarok · 06/01/2016 23:42

And clothes don't come "loose" when you're dry humping, leaving you naked (or even just nearly naked), you need to take them off.

Please stop burying your head in the sand about this.

BloodontheTracks · 06/01/2016 23:44

Hey, the issue here isn't necessarily the sexual details. The OP has read numerous messages between the cheaters, unbeknownst to them, in which she has gleaned these details, so it unlikely she is misleading herself about such details. however, there are other things, from other threads, like what he said to the OW about his relationship which are more damning and, I personally think, issues in the relationship, including what the OP is prepared to put up with in order to keep her man, which does include burying head in the sand stuff.

NameChange30 · 06/01/2016 23:49

Oh dear God. I remember this thread, and it wasn't hopeful, but these latest updates are SO DEPRESSING.

OP, I was gentle before, but I'm afraid I can't be this time. For the love of God FIND YOUR SELF-RESPECT and accept that this man is a CHEATING FUCKWIT you cannot trust - WALK AWAY and don't look back.

Borninthe60s · 07/01/2016 00:08

You aren't checking because you don't want to face the truth, not because you trust him. He's been unfaithful whichever way you look at it. All you see is text messages, he may have spoken to her. Put up or shut up woman.

Blodss · 07/01/2016 00:14

I also remember the thread from before and to still believe there was no sex involved is just bonkers.

Creampastry · 07/01/2016 08:39

You gave him one chance - well, he's used this chance up. How on earth do you know they haven't had sex - crazy, you don't know, and will never know for sure.

Jan45 · 07/01/2016 10:30

Oh please wise up and get rid, this man is continuing to take the complete piss, grow a backbone, find that self esteem and tell him to disappear - I can't believe you think they never had sex - why did she ask him to leave you then - as per, the cheater will tell you what you want to hear, not the full truth.

He's still betraying you, stop allowing him.

Original poster
onemorechance · 08/01/2016 05:00

I am 100% sure they did not have sex. Of course when asked, he said no, but I have/had other ways of finding out the truth. Personally, whether or not they had sex doesn't really change anything. He still cheated. He is a man with a low libido and not the best communicator with me. The fact he had no sex with her but told her certain things that he took years to tell me is more hurtful than if he had sex with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 08/01/2016 05:08

I am not burying my head in the sand. I know what he did, and I know the significance of it. He made a mistake by cheating that was quite calculated; a very conscious mistake. He has now made a conscious decision to stay in the relationship and try and make it work, as have I.

He has not told me about the recent messages she sent, but really there is nothing to tell. He has made zero effort to reply to her. Ignores most of the texts, only replying to a few out of politeness. Yes he agreed to meet for lunch, but this was now months ago and it has not happened despite her trying to pin down a date.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 08/01/2016 11:06

DP is saying he was just being polite = trying to start it back up, imo.

I am so sorry op, but the fact that he agreed to to lunch, even if he hasn't actually pinned down a date, he is prepared to meet her, despite the pain he has caused you.