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Original poster

DP and EA with OW - renewed contact

154 replies

onemorechance · 11/11/2015 19:20

Have NC as regular poster. Would really appreciate some simplistic and objective advice. I will try and keep this brief.

  • DP had an EA a year ago or so which lasted a few short months before they fell out and he went NC with OW.
  • OW bumped into DP a few weeks ago.
  • She initiated contact via text to which he responded and they exchanged text dialogue. Maybe 10 or so text messages. She sent the last text, he hasn't responded.

My personal opinion is that he should not have responded at all to her text. DP is saying he was just being polite, hence responded to a few, and then stopped.

Am I right to be livid?

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 04/12/2015 20:44

Blood, I don't know why but I just can't find the strength.

I have a plan. I want that if they meet for it to be the bottom line. I will confront him. I have promised myself this and I know what I will say. I know logically that even though so long has passed between the two of them, him meeting her will be proof he has not moved on.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 04/12/2015 20:46

The knowledge that he has not moved on will be enough for me to leave. That will be my ultimate proof that in his heart of hearts, he must have genuinely felt for her and probably still does.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 04/12/2015 20:47

I was only able to forgive/recover from the initial betrayal because logically it seems to me that it was just fleeting. And he doesn't have strong feelings for her. If he meets her, then I know that was never true and that he didn't choose me.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 04/12/2015 20:48

If you were to ask him "Has Ow messaged you again since we last spoke about it?" and he lied and said "no" - what would you feel then?

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 20:49

You said this before:
"if he does reply and agrees to lunch, I have already decided within myself that will be the final straw and I will leave."

But he did reply and agree to lunch. You didn't leave.

Now you're saying:
"I want that if they meet for it to be the bottom line."

What if they do meet and you still refuse to accept it? What if you come up with some new "final straw" or "bottom line" so you can keep hoping for a little bit longer?

Please stop playing the "pick me" dance. Please.

Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life about this? A close friend maybe? Would you consider counselling?

Original poster
onemorechance · 04/12/2015 20:51

I would ask him why he lied. He would probably say he didn't want to worry me/unsettle me. I would believe him. But this would cause me more stress as I would wonder why he lied.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 04/12/2015 20:55

Emma, I am a fool. I know this. I have moved the boundaries. I just don't want to leave him on speculation. Talk is cheap. I want to know that he actually went and actually 'cheated'.

I know how this will end. I know he thinks I am not the one. But maybe I just hope he never meets 'the one' or realises that concept does not exist.

I am embarrassed by my behaviour and actions, but I can't find the strength.

No one to talk to in real life.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 21:00

You're not a fool, love. You're hurting and you're in denial, that's ok. But you do need to realise that he has already cheated on you. He has kissed another woman. He has asked her for a relationship. He has been in contact with her even after you found out.

Please consider getting counselling, you really need real life support and I'm sure it would help you find the strength to decide what to do and then do it.

BloodontheTracks · 04/12/2015 21:01

onemore, let's just sit here a minute with this. As Another says, you have moved this bottom line before. Why don't you just admit you want to stay with him whatever? This is gruelling, isn't it?

He has been proactive, love. He has been proactive in not telling the OW to piss off. You are clinging to some hope that he is trying to 'politely fob her off'. Why on earth should he be polite? Even so, it is perfectly easy to be polite to someone you have had an inappropriate relationship with who gets back in touch with you, espcially when they know your situation.

A personal story, cos I'm aware I'm being a bit tough. Years ago I had an inappropriate relationship. we both told our spouses because it could have easily got out. We both stayed in our marriages. Months ago, he emailed me from a new email address (unblocked) and said they had separated. I emailed him back saying how sorry I was and how deeply sorry I was for her if I had anything to do with it. He asked to meet me because he was distraught and desperately needed a friend. I said again how sorry I was and though this was a very very good friend I'd known for a decade before, that it was bad idea and I was committed and unwilling to hurt my partner. I then asked my partner if he wanted to see the correspondence. He declined and said he trusted me. That's it. Truthfully I would have liked to see him because he was a good friend, not for nefarious reasons. But it was totally inappropriate and unhelpful. I don't honestly see why he wouldn't do this. It seems like you are not talking about boundaries and what you owe each other here. Nothing will truly heal unless you do.
I'm afraid your line that ' If he meets her, then I know that was never true and that he didn't choose me.' is just not true. Your problem is way way bigger than this. You are desperately flailing. And this is because you haven't properly found the strength to excavate this.

I suggest you write a letter to your partner. Even if you don't give it to him. I think you need to better understand your own fear of losing him and why you are prepared to put up with so much.

BloodontheTracks · 04/12/2015 21:01

" I know he thinks I am not the one."

This is heartbreaking, OP. You need to get into counselling and you need to do it now. Either alone or together.

BloodontheTracks · 04/12/2015 21:14

Also, I think you need to understand why you think that he doesn't think you are 'the one'. do you believe this? First the romantic concept of this is nonsense but leaving that aside, it sounds like, maybe you believe in it? So You are actually hoping that he doesn't discover this concept exists. You are hoping he remains emotionally stunted? This isn't what good partners want for each other. Why are so convinced that he doesn't think you are the one? Surely that should be enough? If I was with someone who I felt wasn't convinced in me as the right partner for then I would need to excavate that so hard because unless you have criminally low self esteem, this makes no sense. Come ON, onemore. What's going on here? Why won't you go for counselling? DO SOMETHING, love, you have to , for your own mental health. And for his happiness too, not just your own.

Original poster
onemorechance · 04/12/2015 22:04

If he thought I was the one, he wouldn't have cheated.

If he was remorseful and ashamed, he wouldn't have told people about it. They would never have found out if he didn't tell them. Mentionitis I presume.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 04/12/2015 22:27
  1. I think that's not true. People cheat on other's and then hugely regret it and realise what it is they almost lost and repent and rebuild. I suspect that you are more thinking of what he tole HER at that bar that time.
  1. Again. I'm not sure this is true. This depends who he told and why. Sometimes people confide in good friends because they are confused/guilt/upset. Even the fact you are presuming these things suggest you haven't asked him about it.

Why are you so afraid to get in a room with a counsellor about this? is it because you think if you suggest it he will leave? Or because your interior life of all this anxiety and self-doubt is so counter to what you are presenting to him that he will fail to understand it?

Please would you write a letter to him. Imagine you are going to give it to him but know that you probably aren't going to give it to him. I think it's important you understand what it is you really are feeling because you sound so totally mixed up.

timeisnotaline · 04/12/2015 22:49

What would you do if he said he was only going to lunch because she was so persistent he had to tell her face to face it was over? It sounds a plausible story, the text messages are reasonably consistent with it, if I were him trying to make something up that is what I would say. It might even be true, he is certainly making no effort to reciprocate to her messages, but if you let it get to the stage where they meet you will never know which it is unless you continue waiting and reading texts.... it is probably not healthy for you to let them get to that stage!

Original poster
onemorechance · 05/12/2015 09:59

I don't want him to know I am watching and searching. If we go to a counsellor, I would have to confess what I know and he will know how I found out the information.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 05/12/2015 10:00

I don't think he will meet her. I genuinely believe if he wanted to, he would have by now.

Unless the timing is not right...

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/12/2015 11:25
  1. You don't plan to leave your Partner for someone you've not had sex with yet (unless you're 15!)
  1. You only know what he wants you to know, about their physical relationship - of course he told you it was only kissing. Why admit more?
  1. You will never be "the one" as long as you behave like a door mat (if you told him it was over, he'd be all over you like a rash)
  1. You keep moving your bottom line, lower and lower it goes.
  1. He is still texting the OW and now they've arranged lunch - fuck that!

Ooh this makes me so angry. My DH would be out on is arse so quick!

Don't you deserve more?

BloodontheTracks · 05/12/2015 14:42

Onemore, you are putting your whole mental health, his mental health, the chance of a healthy relationship and a future all at risk for your own tawdry, desperate online secret. The only power you have over him that he doesn't even know you have. That's not okay.

Then I think you need to do something very different. I think you need to accept that you want to stay in this relationship no matter what and i think you need to stop reading his messages because honestly what difference does it make, really. You keep shifting the bottom line anyway, plus there are LOADS of ways he could get in touch with her anyway (OR SOMEONE ELSE).

I think you should tell him that you have been checking, maybe in the form of a letter, or somehow force him to change his password so you cannot get in. I think you need to get charge of this and stop this. And then go to counselling without the terrible secret that you check his messages. Why on earth can't you go then and explain that you used to or that you are still uncomfortable about what happened during the affair. You can. You can.
This is all such a distraction from the fact you've said many many times you don't think he really wants to be with you forever and you are terrified of losing him and that's how you're living. That's your relationship.

This is getting ridiculous. Both lives are being wasted. Why don't you at least talk to him?!

BloodontheTracks · 05/12/2015 14:55

I'm sorry for being brutal. I know how hard it is to recover from infidelity and the paranoia and control issues. But I think you need to see that this is bigger than this. It's way way bigger than this. You must be so afraid of losing this man, this man who has dismissed and degraded you and your relationship to another woman who he offered to leave you for, that you cannot even come to him with an admission of something you have done wrong because you think he is looking for a reason to leave you.
This cannot be a healthy relationship, for either of you. I'm interested in maybe you talking a little about how you really feel, without all the lying and hiding. That's why I suggested writing the letter. your posts are looking for simplistic advice and you KNOW the issue is much bigger. Please consider getting solo counselling if you can't bear being honest with him. And please consider finding a way to stop checking his messages and get over this addiction. I think you would be happier.

Original poster
onemorechance · 06/01/2016 19:09

Hello all, just thought i'd give an update.

I had a lovely Xmas and NY and feel quite settled. The relationship has improved and I feel he/we are doing what we can to continue building trust.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 06/01/2016 19:10

I used to check his phone every day. That has improved too, I have made a resolution to not check again this year. I did check on 2 occasions after I wrote my last update, but that is all in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 06/01/2016 19:11

As for the OW, he has definitely not met her. :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 06/01/2016 19:12

Despite her texting a few times :-)

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/01/2016 19:47

I do hope you and dp can get past this, but I can't see you'll ever fully trust him again.

I'm willing to bet that no ow or cheating p has ever, in the history of infidelity EVER asked either one of each other to leave their partner if no sex has been had.

You know nothing of the truth here love, and you're living a life on tenter hooks. I know what that does to a person...

You need to focus on yourself, and look to filling your life with those who live and appreciate you.

Original poster
onemorechance · 06/01/2016 21:02

Hissy

This may be TMI for some, but I know for fact he did not have penetrative sex with her.

Has he kissed her? Yes
Dry humped? Yes
Seen her naked? Possibly.
Penetrative sex? Definitely not.

OP posts:
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