DP and EA with OW - renewed contact

[onemorechance]

Have NC as regular poster. Would really appreciate some simplistic and objective advice. I will try and keep this brief.

• DP had an EA a year ago or so which lasted a few short months before they fell out and he went NC with OW.
  
• OW bumped into DP a few weeks ago.
  
• She initiated contact via text to which he responded and they exchanged text dialogue. Maybe 10 or so text messages. She sent the last text, he hasn't responded.
  

My personal opinion is that he should not have responded at all to her text. DP is saying he was just being polite, hence responded to a few, and then stopped.

Am I right to be livid?

[ZenNudist]

I am glad things improved OP and I hope it all works out.

Most of the advice on MN is based on the standard 'script' that cheaters follow, with good reason. Time and again it's the same. Hopefully your case is different, there do have to be variations.

Your script as I read it: The unmarried man in a relationship gets involved in an intense friendship that turns romantic. He keeps his options open but essentially sticks with his original partner. Doesn't have sex with the woman although other boundaries are overstepped, emotionally as well as physical. This frustrates the OW and she builds the relationship up in her mind and pursues the man. Meanwhile OP bides her time, unwilling to leave the man she loves. He doesn't ditch OW outright, perhaps preferring to avoid the conflict, particularly if they work together. Perhaps still keeping her on the back burner but still 'choosing' OP and deciding to make a go of it with further commitment. He's been honest with OP about the contact he has had with OW, maybe less honest about all of his motivations but still sounds like you're out if the other side of it for now.

You know as well as we all do here that there's no guarantees that he won't cheat on you in future and you will have to be vigilant. I'd also ensure that you're legally protected and do some divorce planning in advance of marriage. Prenup, separate bank accounts, hidden slush fund should you need to split, protect your own assets as best you can ... and hope!

I get that loads of people will pile in and say you're doing the wrong thing but it sounds like a reasonably happy resolution for you. It might not be a 'forever' solution.

Could you tell him you'd feel so much happier if he made it clear to OW that he didn't want to hear from her again and block her as best he could?

Good luck!

[onemorechance]

Zen, thank you, you have summed up my position entirely. The only 2 points that are critical that keeps me on edge and makes me question myself as to whether I am doing the right thing are;

1. during the initial affair, he made plans to leave me but she rejected him (though she soon backtracked,by which time he had come to his senses).
   
   
2. the issue with them messaging each other fairly recently (her more so him, he has replied politely and made text conversation, but he is ignoring requests to meet in person).

[DrMorbius]

So Zen your advice to a woman about to get married is the following: -

You know as well as we all do here that there's no guarantees that he won't cheat on you in future and you will have to be vigilant. I'd also ensure that you're legally protected and do some divorce planning in advance of marriage. Prenup, separate bank accounts, hidden slush fund should you need to split, protect your own assets as best you can

FFS that's no way to enter a marriage. If someone needs to be doing that, they shouldn't be getting married.