DP and EA with OW - renewed contact

[onemorechance]

Have NC as regular poster. Would really appreciate some simplistic and objective advice. I will try and keep this brief.

• DP had an EA a year ago or so which lasted a few short months before they fell out and he went NC with OW.
  
• OW bumped into DP a few weeks ago.
  
• She initiated contact via text to which he responded and they exchanged text dialogue. Maybe 10 or so text messages. She sent the last text, he hasn't responded.
  

My personal opinion is that he should not have responded at all to her text. DP is saying he was just being polite, hence responded to a few, and then stopped.

Am I right to be livid?

[moggiek]

Wise counsel, Blood.

[veryfedup123]

Hi sorry you are going through this, my H also told OW he would leave after EA, nothing physical, so it does happen. He needs to give you all his passwords, phone, email etc so you can check them together. You need to be clear with him just what he is risking by staying in touch. Also have a good long think. Can you live like this? Questioning everything he does? Its a very stressful way to live. Xx

[MatrixReloaded]

The fact he responded to these text messages would suggest to me that he is interested in re igniting things.

[Blodss]

I doubt it was an emotional affair and they most likely had sex. Actually I seem to have been on a thread identical to this a couple of weeks ago

[Jan45]

In every case, the admission of sex is always the one that is denied, sorry but no way would you be contemplating leaving a partner if this was platonic, or just involve kissing, you have no idea what happened sexually. The fact he is responding should be enough for you to have his bags already packed OP, he's basically an untrustworthy weasel, surely you know you can do better than him.

[Muckogy]

Sorry OP but I would call it a day with him. This is the final straw.

[Muckogy]

I agree that he's shagged the ow. That's the one thing they always lie about.

[onemorechance]

veryfedup, what happened in your situation?

[Blodss]

Did you post about this the other week OP?

[Sansoora]

Onemorechance, Im sorry but sex isn't defined by a penis being in a vagina. Its anything a man or women should not be doing contact wise with someone who isn't their partner.

Can I ask if you posted about this before under a different name and if so - do your partner and the OW work together? Do you have children?

[onemorechance]

Thanks for all your responses. I know the right thing to do is go. But why I am struggling to do this?

[veryfedup123]

I asked him to leave. He's lied to me a lot and I needed my space away from the situation.

[Blodss]

Sansoora I thought this was familiar too.

[BloodontheTracks]

Onemore, you are afraid. And I suspect your partner is actually also reluctant to leave until the situation is ideal for him, which I suspect it will be soon. I think it feels counter-intuitive for you to push him away when you are afraid of being alone and loss. So you can either take action or wait for things to dissolve again on their own, and this may hurt you much much more. Most people do the latter, to be honest. it takes a lot of strength and confidence to leave out of wisdom like this, and people who have been cheated on recently seldom have that available to them. It's like someone swiping your kneecaps then wondering why you don't walk away.

But I think this is not the relationship for either of you right now. I'm sorry.

[onemorechance]

Thank you for all the words of wisdom. Deep inside me I know this will not work, but I keep hoping that it will. I know he is confused about what he wants. I just really hope that he chooses to stay with me.

He hasn't been in touch with her since I saw the text messages. He ignored her last text, but she sent another soon after suggesting lunch. He hasn't responded.

It pains me that I am living life this way, but I really do love him.

I am pleased he seems to be ignoring her, but if he does reply and agrees to lunch, I have already decided within myself that will be the final straw and I will leave.

[Sansoora]

Onemore - did you post about this when it initially happened - way back last year.

Your story is so familiar but with all the name changes Ive forgotten who's who.

Did you decide on moving to a new house after everything came to light?

[onemorechance]

No, only began posting on this topic this year.....

[Sansoora]

Thank you for that

I asked because I've often thought of that poster and wondered how things worked out for her.

Im really sorry you're going through so much.

xxx

[onemorechance]

Hello all

Thought I would update...

So since my last post, although I told myself I would find a resolution, I have in fact just carried on in the same way, monitoring his phone/tablet etc.

So he hasn't been proactive in reaching out to her, but she has been very persistent. The last time I posted, I had seen the message from her suggesting lunch in the near future.

He replied and agreed. A week or so later she suggested an actual day. He ignored. A week later, frustrated, she asked again. He replied explaining why he had previously ignored her and made a weak suggestion of some time in the near future for lunch, no fixed date. She replied to this message, but he has ignored since.

I am losing my head over this. I can't decide whether he is genuinely interested in seeing her again or if he is just trying to very politely fob her off.

[spanisharmada]

What's stopping you from confronting him? This is going to become your normality if you let it, it'll only do you harm.

[spanisharmada]

Fwiw I think it sounds like he's keeping his options open

[onemorechance]

We are in a good space at the moment. I can see a future and I do want to be with him. I don't want to rock the boat unless he does something I consider wrong.

If he meets her, I will leave, as I don't see how they can be friends. Any meeting with her is because he wants something.

[SongBird16]

I've been where you are now.

I couldn't spend the rest of my life monitoring him and lying awake worrying.

I can't add anything useful but it is hell and you have my sympathy. I hope it works out the way you want.

[BloodontheTracks]

onemore, you know what i think. I think you are not in a good space, and you are in denial. This is because you are interpreting being in a good space as you getting on with one another rather well whilst you deceitfully check his private correspondence for signs of infidelity. You will also be unconsciously and consciously manipulating the relationship in reaction to messages you see in order to keep him from straying or punish him for thinking about it. He ilwl be please by your bending over backwards and confused by your change of mood at other times. you are trapped by something weak that makes you feel powerful.

i think you know i'm right but as you say above, are just carrying on the same way. I want you to think about whether if he did keep messaging her and it wasn't clear to you if they met up or not, whether you would be prepared to do this for the rest of your life.

But I know that you are addicted and that you are not going to properly explore / confront / address this. you are going to keep playing this game. Since you are, I suggest one crucial thing. You need to have a bottom line. You have written here that if he meets her for lunch you will leave. Now I think this is a lie. I would love you to prove me wrong. Not because I want you to leave but because I think you are afraid and I think you are desperate to stay in this relationship whatever. Have a bottom line. Write it down. When we stick to our bottom lines we remind ourselves who we are and what we will stand for, fight for even. The really really damaging thing is when we crash through our bottom lines and lose touch with our own sense of self. If he met her for lunch and then they messaged about how platonic it was, how it had been a bad idea to meet, how they wouldn't again and how much he loved you. Then what? What would you do? I bet you bottom line would shift a little right? And so it is your life is this. your life is this now. YOu can do better, one more. You can. You could either have the courage to address this with him or have the courage to leave. I believe in you.

[onemorechance]

Thank you so much for the responses