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Original poster

DP and EA with OW - renewed contact

154 replies

onemorechance · 11/11/2015 19:20

Have NC as regular poster. Would really appreciate some simplistic and objective advice. I will try and keep this brief.

  • DP had an EA a year ago or so which lasted a few short months before they fell out and he went NC with OW.
  • OW bumped into DP a few weeks ago.
  • She initiated contact via text to which he responded and they exchanged text dialogue. Maybe 10 or so text messages. She sent the last text, he hasn't responded.

My personal opinion is that he should not have responded at all to her text. DP is saying he was just being polite, hence responded to a few, and then stopped.

Am I right to be livid?

OP posts:
Blodss · 08/01/2016 12:36

What are your ways of finding out if he had sex with her? Low libido may just be with you. New lust interest re ignites libido.

Blodss · 08/01/2016 12:38

How do you know he has made zero effort to reply to her when you have said you have stopped checking Confused

ZanyMobster · 08/01/2016 14:04

TBH if he was really committed to the relationship then he would have told her he was not interested in meeting for lunch rather than just ignoring her. I am not sure it matters massively that he hasn't told you she has messaged it's his reaction to the messages that would bother me, my XH contacted me a while back since I have been married to new DH, or told him straight I was happy with new DH and definitely not interested. I considered telling DH but I had told XH to leave me alone which he did so I just didn't bother mentioning it. I have never been unfaithful or considered it but if I had been wishy washy about my reaction to XH then this would have been wrong.

I of course hope things will work out for you but my feeling is that once the trust is gone it's hard to rebuild and I expect you may always be wondering . . .

ZanyMobster · 08/01/2016 14:04

Also the fact he only ended it when she pushed for commitment shows that it is likely he would have carried on as it suited him.

NanaNina · 08/01/2016 14:31

I do hope you are not going to be hurt somewhere down the line OP, but I suspect you will be........

bjrce · 08/01/2016 17:19

Op.
Have you considered the possibility that they are still in contact through another means ie work email, which you would have no access to, he may well have coped on that you can read his texts and is one step ahead of you.

You do sound v confident that he didn't have sex with her, have you considered the possibility that he didn't leave you for her because, as you are so aware of his low libido, and are understanding and willing to live like this, perhaps he felt you were an easier option once the ow became aware he wouldn't be quite as appealing?
He does sound v conceited.

Original poster
onemorechance · 08/01/2016 20:03

Maybe I will get hurt, maybe I won't, it's a risk I am prepared to take. He deserves a second chance as do I.

I have stopped checking as of end 2015, but I could see before then that she was messaging and he wasn't really responding to all her messages.

I was checking everything, so know there is no contact (unless F2F of course, but that they would have to arrange and from the messages its clear they are yet to meet).

I am very confident there was no sex. He has said it, she said it, and the evidence I have alludes to that.

Bjrce, yes that has played on my mind. Maybe I am more convenient. More convenient for now. If you saw my other thread, you would know that is what kicked off me talking about the situation on this site. I found out that he told he couldn't leave me due to timing.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 08/01/2016 20:29

Gosh it's truly tragic what some people will put up with.

12purpleapples · 08/01/2016 20:33

It sounds very hard to be in a relationship if you think the main reason for that is that its convenient for the other person to stay. Sad

Fontella · 08/01/2016 21:20

I have stopped checking as of end 2015, but I could see before then that she was messaging and he wasn't really responding to all her messages.

There shouldn't be any messages - from her or from him. He should have told her to fuck off for good, left her in absolutely no doubt that he didn't want to hear from her again, changed his number, done whatever he needed to do to break all contact permanently.

Instead he's been 'polite' and accepted her messages and even responded to some of them .... leaving the lines of communication open and the option of being able to start it up again with her any time he likes. That's clearly what she wants or she wouldn't keep messaging him, and he knows that better than anyone.

Why the hell are you tolerating this?

Blodss · 08/01/2016 22:41

He will minimise, she will minimise. Of course they will tell you no sex. She will say that because he has asked her to. He will say that because he feels that you will walk if you know the truth.

Does he give you full access to all his devices and laptop etc? If he does then you have no reason to be ashamed of checking. He will have given you full permission to check, surely. If he hasn't then it doesn't bode well.

Making a fresh start is not going to be easy for you but you do need to have the truth and full facts and be completely sure.

How would you feel if he came out and told you that they had sex together and a lot.

Original poster
onemorechance · 08/01/2016 22:50

If he came out and told me they had sex, after having lied, that would be a blow. But as I said before, I have evidence outside of what he said to me and what she says in her messages to him (that neither know I have read), that they did not have sex.

But to me, whether they had sex or not is irrelevant. He cheated.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 08/01/2016 22:52

I think many of us are wondering why you are turning a "blind eye" to this situation, but that is your prerogative of course, and I'm sure you have your reasons. In a way I admire your ability to ignore this as I know I would be totally incapable of taking that course of action, but we all move to a different beat of the drum.

Original poster
onemorechance · 08/01/2016 22:53

I am not turning a blind eye

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 08/01/2016 22:54

I have given him another chance, if he cheats again, then at least I know who he is. My point is there is no point trying to stop him from cheating. I will let whatever plays out play out, and will make my decision then.

OP posts:
Blodss · 08/01/2016 22:55

Would you say what your evidence is? I understand if you don't want to but unless you were there with them in the room I don't see how you could know.

Do you have full access with his blessing to all his devices phones etc?

Original poster
onemorechance · 08/01/2016 23:04

I can't say, but it's solid.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemorechance · 08/01/2016 23:04

I have never asked for access, but he is very open. Let's me use everything and we share a tablet.

OP posts:
loooopo · 09/01/2016 00:10

Could you go into his phone and block and delete her number?

differentnameforthis · 09/01/2016 00:18

I have given him another chance How many chances does he get, op? You gave him a second chance after he cheated a yr or so ago. He started talking to her again recently. You are giving him ANOTHER chance after that!

This is, of course, entirely up to you. But don't make someone your priority when he sees you as second best!

If you meant anything to him, and he was genuinely sorry, he would have told her not to continue to contact him. Instead he has said yes to lunch.

AlwaysBeYourself · 09/01/2016 01:48

Good Luck OP. Its your life and your relationship and you have to trust him. :)

RivieraKid · 09/01/2016 11:36

I hate to suggest this but a friend of mine who quite recently left her husband had open access to all their electronics, etc, after he was caught having an affair with a co-worker last christmas. They put it behind them and she thought he was being genuinely transparent and they were working on their marriage. Turns out he had a freaking completely separate phone he was using to contact OW. Apparently that's surprisingly common.

Please take care of yourself, OP x

Fckup · 09/01/2016 11:41

I'm ashamed to say I was an OW, he confessed all to his wife and they started to work at their marriage. All the time he was messaging me for sex. He will never change. Being single is ok, good days and bad but at least you're not settling.

ZanyMobster · 09/01/2016 14:13

You know who he is already, someone who had an affair then only ended it as she pushed for more, not because he realised what an awful mistake he made and that it was you he wanted to be with. He absolutely should have told her never to contact him again but he hasn't, he has left his options open.

I so hope we are all completely wrong as you deserve for him to commit fully to you Flowers

AlwaysBeYourself · 09/01/2016 14:17

At the end of the day, if he is treating you the best he ever has, telling you he loves you every day, making plans for the future, taking you out on dates, always explaining his whereabouts without you ever needing to ask, wanting to be with you all the time and holding your hand, a lot then you are doing ok. If he seems apathetic, not bothered, not into you and not treating you like the best thing since sliced bread then I would be very concerned. Either he has seen the error of what he was doing and realised he could lose you and has fallen completely back in love with you and you will know this in no uncertain terms. You just know when the affair is over and you have the man you originally fell in love with back.

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