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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need your advice please :(

272 replies

Wibhay · 10/11/2015 13:17

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Wibhay · 12/11/2015 15:19

Well got the cakes in and everyone came down and had one except for him !

OP posts:

mix56 · 12/11/2015 15:47

Good, keep your chin up. Some of them will ask eventually. you already have the answer, "It didn't work out" ( He didn't accept that I wasn't financing his 1st family's project that was to exclude any of my needs & choices )

bjrce · 12/11/2015 15:48

That's do funny op, you have so pissed him off.

Stay strong, for Gods sake when he comes begging for another chance( which he will, who else I'd going to pay for his house). Don't have anything to do with him. He's shown his true colours.

LeaLeander · 12/11/2015 15:54

Now your leave starts?

Remember to spend part of it shopping (if your means allow) for new bedding, towels and a few other things to spruce up your surroundings and celebrate your fresh start.

Congratulations!

Handywoman · 12/11/2015 16:11

Think OP has two more shifts?

No harm in doing a little window shopping online though.

Good on you, OP, you are doing great

SuckingEggs · 12/11/2015 16:12

More cake for you! He's a sod.

Here's to you on your birthday, OP.

Original poster

Wibhay · 12/11/2015 16:28

I have 2 more shifts to go but he is actually off on the last shift I have just found out so really it's only the rest of this shift and tomorrow. I love the idea of buying new bedding etc. My flat is only tiny so I can't really change it around a lot but I'm going to give it a good try :) thank guys you've helped get me through today xxxx

OP posts:

AmyC86 · 12/11/2015 17:37

I love moving furniture around its so refreshing

Original poster

Wibhay · 12/11/2015 18:08

It's such a small flat I don't have much option to where the furniture can go :(

OP posts:

DearFox · 12/11/2015 19:15

New duvet covers and new pillow cases and bag up all the clutter! It'll feel good.

Glad you only have one shift left.

AyeAmarok · 12/11/2015 19:44

Well done Wib!

You're fab.

He's kicking himself, but he doesn't matter.

Original poster

Wibhay · 12/11/2015 20:45

It doesn't feel like well done :( I've just got in from work and want to break down and cry

OP posts:

Original poster

Wibhay · 12/11/2015 20:46

I feel so lost and empty :( I need to be up for my second job at 4.30am and I've no idea how I'm going to get myself to sleep tonight.

OP posts:

DearFox · 12/11/2015 20:52

You poor thing. It is going to be hard. There's no way around that. Even when it's the right thing it's still hard.

If you don't sleep tonight you will definitely sleep tomorrow night. Look at it that way.

SuckingEggs · 12/11/2015 20:53

Have a cry. It may help to let it out after holding it in all day.

Have a warm bath or long shower. Put on some music you like. Take deep breaths and focus on each breath as you inhale and exhale when you're in bed.
List things for which you are grateful, too. It really helps. Small steps

IonaNE · 12/11/2015 20:55

Wib, you have done brilliantly! Congratulations. I hope the next shift goes quickly (hm, what should I wish for, maybe some big abandoned-warehouse fire, where no one is hurt and nothing of value is damaged, it just keeps you busy till the end of the shift...? :) ).

Seriously, well done for getting rid of him. As others have said, do buy new bedding, move furniture around, maybe some new curtains? And after that, have a great holiday!

Original poster

Wibhay · 12/11/2015 21:03

Why is it that im laying here upset and blaming myself. I'm thinking how I've over reacted, how I shouldn't have made such a big deal. How if we had moved into the house I could have had a nice big house and been happy :( maybe my parents wouldn't have minded me not living close to them :(
But then I think well he obviously doesn't care because he hasn't begged for me back or tried to convince me any other way. I hope he is happy now and I just pray one day this pain will go away :( sorry xxx

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 12/11/2015 21:06

It will though it does not seem so at the moment. Remember just because something is painful doesn't mean it's not the best thing. Think of this as surgery.

You will have all you dreamed of at some point and with a man who does not begrudge you or put you last behind his wants, his children's wants, etc. and who is not after you for your money.

You must feel exhausted. Get through tomorrow and then take yourself home to your parents and get some extra sleep.

Original poster

Wibhay · 12/11/2015 21:15

Thank you Lealeander you have helped calm me down I'm in such a panic ??

OP posts:

Original poster

Wibhay · 12/11/2015 21:32

I give up I literally give up. He has just called me up asking me for the remaining £600 I owe him from a skiing holiday back in February. I don't have that sort of money kicking around. He loves upsetting me. I said I'll obviously pay him back as soon as I can but he is moaning he needs it now as he's had to buy a new van as his has died ?? When will this all end

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 12/11/2015 21:41

It is normal to feel an anxiety attack.

Sorry he is attacking you for money. Did you have an agreed-upon repayment plan that he is trying to accelerate? If so tell him you will stick to the plan. If not figure out what you can afford to pay him each pay period and tell him that's what he's getting. His van is his problem. (would he be hustling to help you if the situation were reversed?)

Block his phone number from your phone. Filter his e-mails and once the money is repaid, block his e-mail. Men like this are masters at defeating one's resolve and sucking women back under their spell.

Remember, he is not just a rather mean-spirited, manipulative user boyfriend. He would be a horrible father to any children you might have. You want better than this for your kids. You are still very young though it may not seem like it. Life will get a lot better if you give it a chance.

It may not seem credible now in the state you are in but you have a lot to look forward to. You have the control over your own life.

upaladderagain · 12/11/2015 21:49

If he'd really needed the money from February he'd have asked before now. It's just a ploy to get your attention so that he can reel you back in. You must have really rattled him today. Stay strong and focussed on the end game. Wishing you strength for as long as it takes.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2015 08:41

He loves upsetting me
Just hold on to that thought.

Put a payment plan together that you can afford and tell him that's how it will be.
It may be £100 a month for 6 months or £50 a month for 12 months.
He can take it or leave it.
Don't answer the phone to him anymore.
He will Hoover you back in if he can.
You know he's not good for you. He's done a real number on you already don't let it continue.
Not sure if anyone has mentioned the Freedom Programme yet?
Contact Womens Aid and look into it.

Elendon · 13/11/2015 11:24

You have a gut instinct to stay near your parents also, so hold on to that too.

Can you imagine if either of them became ill and you are living 80 miles away? How would your partner support you then? How would you help out with working two jobs?

Plus, I wonder why his daughter hasn't seen him since June. Did she turn 15 then?

Original poster

Wibhay · 13/11/2015 12:34

His daughter turned 15 in May and we took her to a concert in June as a present and that was the last time she stayed. I just think it's a bit unreasonable if we were to have a baby and it be a boy that it would then have to share a room whilst there would've been a room for his daughter hardly ever getting used?

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