Need your advice please :(

[Wibhay]

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

Thanks it's just totally ruining all what I had hoped to do.i feel ratty with my family and all I want to do is sleep. :(

That's totally normal, it's just shock and grief . You're not going to get over it just like that .

Be kind to yourself. Come home from work, watch trash TV while you eat your favourite food and go to bed early .

For a few weeks it will take you all your energy just to go to work .

Did you speak to the station officer about changing watches ?

I know it's bad form, but check out this thread, page 20.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/2445190-Anyone-else-had-enough-Join-me-for-a-glass-of-virtual-prosecco?pg=20

They talk about how their partners basically had kids with them as a compromise and their kids are sidelined in favour of the partner's first kids.

That could be you in a few years time if you accept his terms.

If you'd carried on with him, it would definitely have spoiled all you'd hoped you'd have in your life. Definitely. Every single thing you've posted on this thread points to this man being a user, a manipulator, and just weak, whereas you sound kind, generous, loving and motivated. Seriously, you can do better, and you will. You'd have given him your money, your love, and, most importantly, your precious 30s, and got very little in return.

Try to think of this time as being one step nearer the relationship that will make you happy. Because it's out there, and you just have to plough through these next weeks and months of headaches to get there. As others have said, it'll pass. Do what you have to do to get through it, but please don't look back - there are much happier times ahead, and I promise you, one day you'll be relieved you got out of this relationship when you did.

Definitelybutter1, funnily enough I just read that post this afternoon and it did make me think god there are poor other people out there experiencing what I've been through.
It's such a shame because if I had met him before he had kids I think we would have been just perfect for each other.
I just am struggling with the thought of not having him in my life anymore and missing all of the things that we used to do together. I guess now I just need to focus on spending time with my family and getting used to being on my own.
Thanks again everyone who has commented it gives me that little bit of hope that I'm looking for x

\i agree with calonDu. My pscyhotherapist told me that a taker and a giver often end up in a relationship. As in, I think, it keeps going for a while. It doesn't mean that the giver is happy. But if it's in the giver's nature to give and in the taker's nature to take....... then that relationship has a shelf life. Longer than two takers, or maybe even two givers.
I might be misquoting her there but that's what I took from it. That although I gave too much, I would recognise it in the future and not do it again.

So sorry you're going through this

Drink lots of water and make sure you breath deeply when you think of it, it will help with the headaches. Xx

I tried doing some mindfulness earlier but my mind just won't switch off enough to benefit from it :(

|How are you doing now OP?

I'm not much good at the " thinking of nothing to block out unwanted thoughts " thing. I prefer to exercise or do things to distract myself .

I don't think I have the right personality for meditation / mindfulness

I'm sorry you are so sad right now .

Hi CakeMountain I'm doing pretty rubbish if I'm honest. I seem to have manage to forget all of the bad things or times I would cry myself to sleep and all I can seem to remember is the good times and how much I miss him. I keep saying to myself how I want to change and be a better person etc etc. I really wish it was a case of I wouldn't seen him again because that is the only way I think I'll get over it but sadly that isn't an option at the moment. I also keep thinking about the house and how I had all these grand ideas and plans.
I'm thinking of maybe buying a new car but then I think maybe I should save that money and use it for a house deposit. I just don't know anymore. All I know is I've had a headache for 3 days now and my eyes are killing me :(

Thanks kr1stina for your reply. I should try and exercise but I just can't seem to find the energy

It's really crap to split up with someone you love, because it's the right thing to do.
You end up thinking you brought the misery into yourself. Thing is - imagine feeling like this in a few years time, but having put your money into a house that you can't get act without a load of hassle. It would be so much worse, and you WOULD have been feeling like this from what you've told us about him

*get back

Oh, OP. It'll take a while. It's so tough, but you will get there

Maybe you should write down the times you cried going to sleep because of the relationship.

I have been with my dh 8 years and never done that.

Definitely write everything down that was bad.
When he made you cry and why.
Put in on your fridge and go back to it whenever you start thinking about the good times.
Of course there were good times or you wouldn't have stayed. And that is how they work I'm afraid.

KOKO!

Sorry OP , I don't mean you should exercise , I was just saying I can't do the quiet contemplation stuff when I'm stressed , more the " get out for a run " stuff .

Youre still in a bit of a state of shock and grief , and you will need to find the best way for you to cope with it. For some people , it's to call up all their pals and go out with them or have them come round for a coffee. For some it's a session at the gym, others prefer a box set on the sofa .

Whatever gets you through these first few weeks until you begin to feel a bit more like yourself . Then you can start up your social life again , or even make a new one .

You are young, fit, have a great secure job, decent income , loving family and ambition . You are a good and caring person . You have such a great life ahead of you and in time you will meet a good man who will treat you as well as you deserve.

Kr1stina's advice is spot-on - essentially you just need to get yourself from Point A (here) to Point B (being over him). It's largely a matter of time, nothing more, and so you need to fill that time with as much stuff that isn't him, ideally something that'll give you a sense of achievement/improved self-worth once you're there.

When I split up with my longterm DP, I started a running programme to give myself something mindless to focus on: it was an eight week programme broken down into three sessions a week, which had the added advantage of filling in two months. Almost before I knew it, four weeks had gone by and I could run for nearly twenty minutes, something I never thought I could do. Already, my life was better without him in it. You could do the same thing with a language course (don't have to go to classes, you can download an app/podcast and listen on the way to work), or a dance class, or a big wardrobe declutter (eBay seven items a week, give one bag to a charity shop per week). Why don't you start looking for somewhere for you to live? And focus on all the things YOU want, not what you'd have had to compromise on to accommodate his requirements? I bet you could get a really fantastic 2 bedroom place with your £80k deposit - two bedrooms, one for you and your future new bloke, and a spare for guests/your first baby.

I also read It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, for all the moments when my mates weren't available to tell me I was doing the right thing. I can recommend it for some straight talking.

I read it's called a break up because it broke a few months ago and it was a very good read. I am trying to focus on me but it's hard and a bit lonely :( I'm not very good with my own company as my mind seems to think too much into things.
I just keep thinking to myself it must be for the best because why should I miss out on a baby having its own little nursery. I've also read some of the step parenting posts and it seems really tough so maybe I will look bad and although I will miss him thing it's for the best :(

Still finding it incredibly hard. Think I need a boot up the butt into reality

Hi OP don't beat yourself up because you are feeling sad and lonely, that's inevitable. Just remind yourself that he split with you because he couldn't get his own way. If you had given in this time, you'd have always had that fear hanging over you next time he wanted something that was wrong for you.

Can you imagine a lifetime like that?

I met my wonderful husband when I was in my early 30s but didn't get together with him till I was 36. We had our beautiful dcs when I was 40 and 42. It took me that long to work out what a good man for me was like vs one who I would not be happy with, but sooooo worth the wait!

Stay strong, be kind to yourself. The doubts will fade as you recover your confidence in your own judgement. There will be ups and downs but no-one deserves to be used the way he was trying to use you.