Need your advice please :(

[Wibhay]

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

Why are you even still thinking about the house situation? It's over, he's made his bed now let him lay in it. He also turned into the exact money grabbing mentally manipulating monster that we all said he was before you had even realised.

You've only got until the end of the day to work with him, then you've two weeks off. In that time, i'm sure that if you speak to your Boss, explain that he is harassing you, even though that he broke it off with you, he's still making it very difficult at work and at home at the moment & you've even considered contacting the police if it gets any worse. You would like a change of station or at least a change of shout, if this can't be facilitated your going to get your union involved (i hope your in a union).

Think about nice things, Christmas is coming up, think about how your going to decorate your flat, what your going to buy your parents and ?siblings? Stop focusing on the negatives, try mindfulness to help relax the mind. Tell him that you'll pay him after Christmas, take it or leave it, don't contact me again etc. Delete his number, email address and already have a cheque or similar organised for paying him in the new year.

Hopefully within the two weeks, work will have sorted alternative work out for you & life will be merry and bright in more ways that one

he's looking for £600 from you!? wow. grabber.

£600 demanded within hours of breaking up & just yesterday he expected you to buy (him) a house...... Wow, it just shows how much he really loved you.
Just Yesterday you were supposed to be his future....
What a lucky escape, God, I'm really gobsmacked by how vile he is.
Sorry you are hurting. but really, good riddance

I know it sounds like I am defending him but it was money I owed him. I text him this morning and said I had sorted the money and where would he like it paid. He replied and said he was thinking don't worry about it at the moment as he didn't want to leave me short. I replied and said no I pay my debts to which he replied no it doesn't matter at the moment. I haven't bothered repliying as its not getting anywhere.

It is so petty though.. ever been genuinely heart broken? I was dumped at 29 and it was such pain and loss. Not ego, not hurt pride. Just a horrible longing for something i couldnt have. Money was the ladt thing on my mind.

It is just an excuse to keep the lines of communication open.. he is hoping you will 'realise' that you nearly lost him with your drrama

Op, just give him his money back (drop it through his letterbox or send him a cheque by registered post) and block him, hes just using this to reel you back in. Ignore, ignore, ignore!

Ps, when i left my x he made me feel that i had no right to leave him because i was not perfect. Ha! It's not parole!! He also made me feel really really really heartless that i wouldnt give him (yet) another chance. I recognise this mindset in your recent xbf. He will have you believe that you owe it to him to see the best in him. Regardless of how selfish he has been. Somehow his selfishness can be glossed over and look out for this, expext this any hesitance on your part to overlook the evidence of his selfishness will be flipped around. He will telk you that yiu are cold hearted and ruthless not to forgive, overlook, ignore his behaviour. He will put it to you that he is three per cent good guy and make yiu feel ruthless and heartless and cold not to wipe the slate clean and overlook alk of your doubts. Be warned. You think it's over? He hasnt begun the guilt trip yet. He doesnt realuse u mean business.

He's a wanker.

Yesterday he desperately needed it and now he doesn't. How chivalrous!!

He's just trying to keep lines of communication open because he is utterly shocked that you don't want him.

Keep strong. You deserve so much more.

The one piece of advice I'm going to give my kids is 'don't settle' and it's the piece of advice I'll give you too. Or you could and could be a regular on here for the next 20 years moaning about him. You really are well rid.

OP you do need to block him you know. You will feel so much better when you have done this I promise.

If you have his bank details just transfer the money to his acct. If not, post him a cheque.

Better things await you. Pain is not love, don't confuse the two. This feeling will pass and you will look back and feel slightly embarrassed you were ever upset about him.

OP, many of us have seen the same tactic/technique used -- you dump them, or you fail to have a breakdown and beg when they dump you, and suddenly they think of material ways to keep after you. Whether it's "I need my passport" or "what about that money you owe me?" or "I want my computer back" "What about those books I left at your place?" "You have some things at my place and need to collect them.." and on and on and on. It's a timeworn and pathetic ploy. Don't get lured in by it.

He is dumbfounded that you aren't crawling back to him and he's using that money to keep you responding. Did you ever see people dangle a bit of catnip on a string for a kitten -- and then jerk it away just when the cat nearly had it in paw? That is what he is doing to you. He's a creep and a bully.

Send the funds to him by registered post. If you can, don't even send your own bank check -- get a voucher (not sure what they are called in the UK, in the US they are 'money orders' and can be purchased at the post office and other venues). Otherwise I could picture him declining to cash the check and messing with your ability to balance/reconcile the total in your account, etc., ad infinitum, or claiming you never paid him.

I'd take it in cash. Hand it to him infront of colleagues.
Say "here is the repayment you so needed so urgently." SNIGGER, & walk off singing/whistling.......la la la.......

I genuinely don't think he is in the slightest bit bothered that I'm not crawling back to him. But in a way that helps because it just reinforces that he wasn't that in love with me in the first place. Finding tonight's shift a lot harder then I found yesterday's. Maybe it's just that I'm tired at was at my second job this morning at 6am

Ask your station officer if you can Transfer to another watch as soon as there is a vacancy

I would guess at this early stage he doesn't consider it a break up. He considers it a fight. He is after all training you to never complain and never raise any issues... so he can hardly come back to you now, when you;re so near the end of your training and say ''yes, I was so unreasonable, dictating to you where you live, using your money to buy a house for me and my children, being so manipulative, so unwilling to accommodate your needs''.

He still thinks this is a Fight. Well he realises it's not a fight but a break up, then he may up the ante.

+

I just wish it had never come to this in the first place. Even now I'm still wishing we could have got the house and started a future together. I never said I didn't want his children involved I just thought it was our house and that things would be equal

It would have been a nightmare disentangling yourself from it. Now, you're hurt and disappointed. He would have clung on to his 'rights' I bet, if you had started that future together.

It would never have been equal . Scarlett is right, you are well out of it .

His nonsense about sharing a room is a good example . I have kids of exactly the same age and sex and they share a room on holiday etc . Every second weekend wouldn't have been a problem . A baby doesnt need to share a room with a same sex 15yo . It's bollocks

It's so hard because I genuinely thought it was going to be such an exciting new year and start of a new chapter :( I haven't heard from him which I guess is proof he didn't want to live with me

It will be an exciting new ayea and the started a new chapter. Just not the one you thought.

You get the relationship you settle for.

You're too good to sign up now for a lifetime of your partner telling you that you are bottom of his priorities and what you want and need is irrelevant to him. You know you deserve so much more than that.

He did want to live with you, just 100% on his unreasonable terms . Which would have been disasterous for you in the long term

Paid for mostly by you ( but he would own 50%)
Two bedrooms for his children who can't share " because it's illegal "
He doesn't really want more kids but you do( so it would never happen because the time would never be right )
Near his family and not yours

The " new start "that you were going to have was just a fantasy in your head , the reality would never have worked out the way you hoped for . His reaction since you dumped him shows his real character and intentions towards you.

You need to make a different kind of new start. One that doesnt depend on an unreliable user like him.

I've had a constant headache for the last 3 days :(

Do you think it's stress or something else ?

Oh yes - the constant headache from the stress of it all and the crying and over thinking and the beating yourself up and the lack of sleep, etc.....
I remember it well.
It will pass. Try to drink lots of water to keep yourself hydrated.
It will take a while but it will go eventually.
I hope you are holding firm and hope you are looking after yourself.

Crying and stress can give me a headache. Take two nurofen wibhay. Don't try to suffer the headache.