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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need your advice please :(

272 replies

Wibhay · 10/11/2015 13:17

Hi there I'll try keep it short but I really need your advice.
I'm 33 and my partner is 40 with 2 kids a girl 15 and a boy 9. We have been looking at houses and found one that is near his children but is a quite away from my parents (80 mile). I want to have children of my own and sooner rather than later. the house we have found is a 3 bed. My partners children stay with him once every 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night although his daughter hasn't been since June.When discussing the bedrooms my partner said one was for his boy and the other his daughter. I said well what about when we have a baby to which he replied well they will share with either his son or daughter depending on the sex of the baby which is fine but he said half the room would be decorated for his son/daughter and the other half a nursery. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit unfair on our baby who would be living their full time? Also my parents would be coming down to stay every other weekend so why couldn't the 2 bedrooms be neutrally decorate so that anyone coming to stay could use them and feel well. He also said he was compromising by having a baby with me? That's a bit of a harsh thing to say I feel. Sorry just feeling really said and need some help xx

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 11/11/2015 07:55

Glad you're taking control OP.

He doesn't sound like a very nice man. He's forcing you to provide for his children and you get nothing out of it.

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 08:01

Morning everyone. I'm a bit upset as I didn't have a very good nights sleep and just had 101 thoughts going through my mind. I feel so bad as if I've described him as some horrible person and he's all to blame. But I've just tried to explain the situation. I'm probably not being very reasonable about the whole thing :( oh I just wish I could have more control over my mind I really do this is so hard and today is my dads birthday so I should be happy

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 11/11/2015 08:09

Morning, sorry you didn't sleep well.

It's natural to doubt yourself, you're making a big change in your life and it's scary. I felt guilty at leaving my ex even though he was horribly abusive, these doubts are natural but it does pass.

Please remember no matter how much other "good" stuff this man may or may not do, no matter how you've portrayed him on here, the fact remains that he told you he'd end your relationship unless you bought him the house he wanted. That's a deal breaker in itself.

Stay strong Flowers

TempusEedjit · 11/11/2015 08:15

Oh and it might be worth having a read of the step parenting boards. Yes many step families are a joy to be part of, but I predict you'll have a very bumpy ride with someone as entitled as your OH who will always put his needs and wants above yours e.g bedroom arrangements, excluding you from naming the dogs etc. I can almost guarantee you'll become voiceless in your own home.

mix56 · 11/11/2015 08:42

So when are you going to tell him ?
It doesn't automatically mean your relationship will end. He may be reasonable & see your POV. Love you enough.... etc

Everything is going his way in these plans. In your new home you should feel equal, cherished, loved & HEARD. Your wishes for a child do not seem to be his. you are not his equal, you appear not to be cherished & certainly unheard.

Before you worry about your job situation. It sounds like he should be the one to move nearer his kids as that is what he so dearly wishes. You want to stay near your family, & whilst moving so he can see his kids is understandable, You don't gain anything from it.

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 08:48

Oh no it will def be the end of the relationship as his heart is so set on this house. We have been looking since April and he said that if we haven't found anywhere by now then we're not going to and house prices are rising etc.
It's a shame because I love this man but my desire to have children far exceeds that and I was hoping that he would be excited about having children with me not doing it just to keep me happy. I feel he would never have loved our child as much as he loves his 2 and that it wouldn't have been as special for him. Yesterday he said that this relationship is worse then it was with his ex which really hurt me as he blames it all on me

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 11/11/2015 08:59

It is not your responsibility to get him onto the property ladder. Plenty of people don't own their houses. If he truly cared for his kids he'd use his £20k to rent somewhere big enough for them.

His comment comparing your relationship against his ex was really low. If things are that bad then why is he so desperate to move in with you? Oh wait... $$$

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 09:12

Oh no when he made that comment yesterday he was saying it was over with us as he couldn't deal with it anymore. Purely because I brought up the bedroom situation and said to him that I was hurt by him saying he had made compromises in the relationship too

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 11/11/2015 09:22

But he hasn't compromised anything has he? Well nothing tangible at least, other than a vague promise to give a you baby that he doesn't want. In the meantime you're actually having to compromise on everything else right now in the real world.

If he's serious about starting a family with you then why haven't you started ttc already? Anyway all this is a moot point, you will be loads better off without him.

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 09:35

He wanted to wait until we had a house as he said moving and expecting a baby would have been too stressful

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 11/11/2015 09:48

I guessed as much. And then he'd have wanted to wait until his DC had settled in. And then you wouldn't be able to afford it right now as moving house costs such a lot doesn't it. And then his now 9yo would be leaving primary school and he doesn't think it would be fair to introduce a new sibling whilst he adjusts to high school etc etc...

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 10:00

God I was blind :(

OP posts:
FluffyNinja · 11/11/2015 10:07

Do you see your parents often as you currently live an hour away? If you want children and for them to be closely involved, you would need to live much closer, IMO.

2 hours away and they'd probably end up visiting you twice a year, not twice a month.

Seriously, if you want them to be active grandparents at some point in the future, you'll have to live much closer to them.

AyeAmarok · 11/11/2015 10:36

He's starting to sound like a manipulative bully Sad

You've tried to talk about something that you're not happy about and his response is to tell you that the relationship is over and you nagging him makes it worse than with his ex, thus guaranteeing that you never again feel able or secure enough to bring up something that you're not happy about. You must tow the line.

And yet, to everyone on the outside, it's him who needs you!

DearFox · 11/11/2015 10:43

It's not wonder you're not sleeping well. The ground is shifting massively beneath you.

Maybe you can let him break it off with you!?

Announce disingenuously, as though you have no clue how manipulative he will be, that you can't go for this house as it's too far from your parents and there wouldn't be space for your baby and it's just too much compromise for you! Then wait. He will probably end it with you expecting you to come running back begging him to let you buy him a three bed house for him and his children, but you will change your number and you will be free!

You will sail in to work and tell everybody that upon reflection he's not for you. You will smile and be normal and he will be angry and stressed and his big plan will have fallen through. It won't matter what he says at work if you are calm and sane and friendly and he's ranting and bitching and acting like life/you owe him.

DearFox · 11/11/2015 10:46

Yes, quite apart from this issue, he is working on the long term plan of training you to never ever raise an issue, never ever complain.

If you complain, if you ever in the future appeal to him to be reasonable when he is not being fair, then the script is that you're a nag, you're worse than his x.

He wants to train you up to never, ever complain. Always accept any old crap. Obviously if he can do this he'll have a nice easy life.

Paperthin · 11/11/2015 10:46

Oh Wibhay, have just read this thread in one go. You are going through a tough time, I think you have lots of great advice here which i can only agree with. Keep focussing on what you want - a good relationship with a DP who wants the same as you. This man does not sound like he wants the same as you. I had my first DC at 34 second at 37, so don't worry about that biological clock, it will happen when it's right. The best thing any parent can do for their child is bring them into the world wanted and loved not "a compromise" to someone else. Good luck.

AmyC86 · 11/11/2015 11:50

This is such a mentally abusive relationship. 'This is worse than my ex'

You already doubting you thoughts after going to bed, he's got his claws in you already. You think it's you that's in the wrong, this is what abusers do. Did you mention that you have relationship councilling? That's another way to make you think that it's you who has the problem.

Manipulative and a £ scrounger

Get out while you can!

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 11:52

I've suggested we see a relationship counsellor but he doesn't believe in all of that

OP posts:
AmyC86 · 11/11/2015 12:08

There must be something deeper underlying for you to suggest councilling. I would honestly say that you'll be much better without him x

Original poster
Wibhay · 11/11/2015 12:19

I just think we both have our faults and I'm quite happy to hold my hands up and try and correct them but he doesn't seem to think it's ever this fault. It's always my actions that apparently cause him to react or behave in a certain way

OP posts:
katbump · 11/11/2015 12:41

If he currently has a one bed flat, where do his kids stay when they stay with him? They don't have their own rooms then do they?!

wheelsonabus · 11/11/2015 13:04

You haven't painted him badly - his actions have done that! He will never think it's his fault. Telling you you are worse than his ex is bs too. He's the common factor - he was prob a selfish arse with her too. He doesn't like women standing up to him.

It is not your fault. He is being unreasonable and probably always will be about all sorts of things. He will have been this way for a long time before you came into his life and will be after you leave it.

Thankfully he's going to move away from you. Then you'll meet a lovely man (take a year off men first to recover from this relationship) just like I did. They do exist! Plenty of men are giving and caring and kind. Don't bother with the shits that aren't.

LeaLeander · 11/11/2015 13:48

Bottom line is he would be a begrudging father. Even if you could put up with his flaws, it would be reprehensible to create another human being in a situation like that. You owe your future children a loving and enthusiastic father.

I know you think the clock is ticking but don't be fooled into thinking it's him or no one. You will easily meet other men when you aren't under this one's thrall.

Biologically I can think of six friends just off the top of my head who had children in their 40s, none of them using any assisted fertility/reproductive techniques. Two were first-time moms at 45 and their kids are healthy and neurotypical; one just got accepted to a very prestigious university here in the US. I'm not suggesting you wait that long or that your concerns about your age are totally unfounded but please, do not let them drive you into childbearing with a selfish, money-grubbing manipulator who already appears to have more than he can provide for in his existing children. Hold out for a better life for your own children.

rainbowstardrops · 11/11/2015 14:08

He's got all this worked out. You're putting considerably more money into this venture than he is. He gets a stake in a house that he's contributed far less to.
I think once you'd moved in, he'll say finances don't allow for a baby right now, let's wait/dc's at tricky ages, let's wait etc etc etc.
Also, is he only 'agreeing' to you having one child with him? What if you'd really like more?
This just wouldn't work for me. Sorry :-(

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